Write About the City

Chapter 7 - Chaos she spoke of

ILANG BESES PANG tumunog ang doorbell bago niya sinilip kung sino ang nasa labas. It was Lucas. Maling desisyon yata na ipaalam dito na aalis siya saglit. Pinagbuksan niya ito ng gate. “Is it an emergency?” tanong nito. “Ba’t bigla kang uuwi?”

He placed his hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay? You don’t look okay.” Kung ganoon naman pala kalinaw ang hilatsa ng mukha niya, bakit itinatanong pa. Stupid question, gigil niyang naisip.

It must be the dark circles, staying up late sucks. “Miss ko na ang kapatid ko, and some of my friends.” All true.

Pinatuloy niya ito sa sala at inalok ng maiinom. Tumanggi ito. “May problema ka ba sa akin?” diretsong tanong nito. She almost groaned in frustration. Again with the questions.

“Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?” Okay, isa rin siyang mahilig umiwas.

He looked at her straight in the eyes and she could tell that he knows. “Are you in love with me?” he asked softly.

She have nothing to say. “I have no response to that,” is all she could muster. Wow, bigla ay nailabas niya ang coldstone b***h na side niya. More like, phone agent side. 

May iniabot ito sa kanya na ngayon niya lang napansin kung hindi pa nito iyon ibinigay. “Parting gift.” anito.

“Are you going away, too?” tanong niya sa maliit na boses. Parting gift sounds like they are not seeing each other again. Sa ikinaluwag ng dibdib niya ay umiling ito.

“I figured you’re gonna stay there longer than you expect. Something to remember me by.” He pinched her nose and kissed her lightly on her cheeks. “Mauna na ako. Nag-eempake ka pa yata?” Tumalikod na ito, humarap muli, at kumaway. Hinabol niya ito. Tumigil naman ito nang marinig ang mga yabag niya. “Thanks for this,” piping sabi niya. “I’ll miss you.”

He did that thing again. Smiled slyly, sucked in his breath, touched his stomach, and did the finger-gun thing. “Yeah.” he said then turned his back.

The finger-gun was appropriate because she feels a hole somewhere in her chest and she might as well play a Jon Bon Jovi song. 

To Jessica,

I was gonna write about the city but then all I could think was a thousand times Jessica. Jessica Jessica Jessica Jessica Jessica. You became this city. The city. The place that I never want to leave. You never made me want to leave. I just want to wake up every day greeted by your morning face. You made me feel so good to be at the same time of life with you here in this wonderful place.

You are wonderful.

You are the sunburn I look forward every summer.

The colorful leaves I get so excited to see.

The warm feeling I get under layers of blankets.

The butterflies that never left.

The you that could have left but stayed.

She could see the influence she had in his writing. The letter felt unfinished and not altogether targeted for her. It appears to be intended for another person, maybe to one of the characters he’s writing. But because she’s living the bagets life and being a marupok one, she took a pen and wrote her own.

To Lucas,

I embrace everything about this city. I embrace you with all that I can, with all the courage I could muster. You made me brave again. I don’t feel scared when I’m with you and love should feel that way, for me, at least. You held me at the top of your hands and saw the city with me, with all its grits and secrets, with all its secret places that we shouldn’t feel entitled to call our own but we still did. With you holding me, making me see that not all butterflies are not as bad as the last time.

Ibinaba na niya ang ballpen. She couldn’t write anymore. Itinabi niya ang sulat. It will stay there until she decides against it.

***

ITO LANG NAMAN ANG alam niyang gawin kapag gusto niyang aliwin ang sarili. Palilibutan niya ang sarili ng malakas na tugtugin, ng mga estrangherong nagkalat, iba’t ibang inumin at pulutan; dito siya magaling, sa ikahihina ng katawan niya, sabayan ng marahang paghigpit ng puso niya sa bawat paghinga. Palaging ganito ang sistema niya. ‘Di siya magugulat kung isang araw sa kalagitnaan ng nakapapasong araw ay bumulagta siya. Lagi niyang hinahanap ang magpapalala ng destruksyong nararamdaman niyang kumakalat sa kanya. Pampaningas niya ang gawaing ito sa lumagalablab niyang sistema. 

Mas malala siya noon. Walang panama ang mga nakaraan niyang pagwasak ng sarili kumpara nang tuluyan nang putulin ni Ignasi ang komunikasyon nila. Hindi niya makilala ang sarili sa salamin; napaka-pangit niya na hindi niya masikmurang tingnan ang kanyang repleksyon at dumating sa punto na kung hindi man niya mapagmasdan ang sarili ay tatabingan niya ang mga salamin ng tela o dyaro. Nagpagupit din siya ng sobrang ikli. Ilang buwan siyang laging nakasuot ng sombrero, ngayon ay hanggang balikat pa lang niya ang buhok. Lamon siya ng lamon, tinubuan ng acne, nag-let go ng proper hygiene. Nag-reflect ang lahat ng iyon sa bahay niya. Ultimo pader ay tumutuklap ang kulay. 

She wants to hurt herself so bad she ended up hurting the people who stayed with her all throughout. It was them who felt the magnitude of chaos she spoke of. 

Ngayon ay hinahanap niya ang gano’ng sakit. Alam niyang kaya niya iyong lampasan ngayon. What is it with Lucas that swept her off her feet? Hindi niya kasi alam kung saan ilulugar ang sarili. Wala naman silang label. Lagi silang magkasama, laging lumalabas, naglalambingan. Walang pinalampas na pagkakataon na hindi sila magkasama. Pero alam niya, siya lang ang lulong sa ilusyon na magkakaroon sila ng relasyon. 

Nag-iilusyon na naman ba siya? Kung sa ganitong estado ay halos mabaliw na siya, paano pa kaya sa susunod na kabanata kung saan may pagkakataon silang pumili ng magiging hinaharap nila.

***

SCENE 1

Nakayapos ang kamay ni Lucas sa kanya. Nasa terasa sila at nagpapahangin pagkatapos mananghalian kasalo ang pamilya nito. 

JESSICA:

Ang ganda rito sa lugar niyo.

Ang sarap bumuo ng pamilya.

Lucas smiled knowingly. 

LUCAS:

Ilan ba ang gusto mo?

Silence. 

LUCAS:

I want four. Two boys and two girls.

Jessica looked at the twins. Both cooing and sleeping gently. 

JESSICA:

You mean, ilan pa ang gusto mo? I’m in love with the twins.

But yes, I want more. Siguro, isa na lang.

Lucas kissed her shoulder and tightened his grip. 

LUCAS:

Know that I’ll love you forever,

My sweet summer love. Could you imagine us not

Meeting during that summer?

Jessica shivered at the thought and from the cold.

JESSICA:

I never stopped hoping you’ll be mine.

LUCAS:

Since the airport scene?

She tiptoed and kissed him on the tip of his nose. 

JESSICA:

When you knew me from the stars.

They both chuckled softly so as not to wake up the twins.