Five Years After

Toxic

“—her.”

 Oh f**k. He was there standing in front of me. Putang ina. f**k my life.

 I stood there with my eyes glued to his for what seemed like a full minute. And in that minute, the past came flooding back to me, all the feelings I tried to lock away: the excitement, the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the denial.. EVERYTHING. But they all came flooding back.

 “Hey, Cara! I’m glad you’re here.” I snapped out of my trance. Ace walked over and hugged me. Jaxx, on the other hand, stood there and stared at me with his cold gray eyes and blank facial expression. I think he knew that I had been avoiding him for the past years but hearing his words earlier, siya rin pala iniiwasan ako. Ouch.

 Umiwas na ako ng tingin, Biglang ang laming ng ER e, parang -12 degrees.

 “Hey, Ace! It’s good to know you’re fine, no broken bones. Just get that CT of your wrist and make sure you where your splint until you get the results.” I blabbered and tapped Ace on the back awkwardly, telling him to let go.

 Si Ace nga ba ang pasyente? Bakit si Jaxx ang may splint sa kamay?

 “Yep! Everything seems ok, heard you guys can be discharged soon. Pati si Bart. That’s the good news. Ok, now that that’s settled, I’ll be off. May iba pa akong patients titingnan, toxic kami tonight e. Anyway, see you. Bye!” I rapidly prattled in one breath, and then turned around and left.

 Hindi ko pa rin sya kayang tingnan. Hindi ko sya kayang harapin. I cannot be in the same room with him. Ang bigat ng dibdib ko. All these years alam kong ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit kami nagka ganito. I broke up with him, I told everyone not to tell him about the pregnancy. I did not reach out to him when he came back.

 But it was for our own good. It was for him, so he won’t drop his MBA and fly back. He graduated with distinction and he’s done a lot for their company since then. I saw his graduation pictures on social media. His dad and his older brother graduated from Wharton, and Jaxx wanted to be part of that line. Kaya din his dad was insistent on him taking the degree there, because he wanted his sons to follow his footsteps.

 Going to Philadelphia wasn’t so much for the MBA but for the want to have a family. While Jaxx’s dad was divorced with his first wife, they remained really close and he spent most of his time in the States. His mom also kept flying back to Spain for her family though she was based in Manila, together with Jaxx’s grandparents. However, his maternal grandparents passed away when he was in high school and it was also the time that his mom started spending more time in Spain because her brother was getting sick.

 Seeing him happy with his father and his brother made me smile. It seemed that he and his half-brother became really tight after two years despite the seven-year age gap. Jaxx was always wanted a family: a brother, a father, and a mother. Now he finally had one with his father’s first wife.  

“Naku Ace sasabunutan talaga kita hanggang maubos lahat ng buhok mo! Why did you have to call me? Alam mo namang hindi ko pa kayang harapin si Jaxx e! In fact, I have been hiding from him. Aaace namaaaan eh!! I really want to strangle you right now!” I whined, stomping barefoot back and forth in our living room in El Valle.

 Ace was seated on of the wooden Cobonpue pieces on our terrace. He was wearing a faded gray Rolling Stones shirt with the classic tongue logo, still trying to live his musician dream. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and looked at me snickering.

 “Cara ano ba? It has been four years. Ay wait, five na pala. Five years! I had to call you because I thought it was serious. He really was in pain, maga yung wrist nya, and his knuckles were raw. You may have not noticed, but he had a busted lip as well. And ikaw ang una kong naisip. C’mon, give me a break. I was being a friend” he defended.

 “A friend? His friend, not mine! s**t, now I have made a complete fool out of myself. How am I going to face him, huh?”

 “Meh. Try fixing yourself for another five years. Maybe that should help you get your act together.” He shrugged and leaned back on the chair.

 “Stop being so childish.” I threw a pillow at him, but he caught it.

 “Childish? AKO? Sigurado ka dyan sa accusation mo? Sino satin ang nag-iinarte kasi hindi nya alam pinagsasasabi nya nung isang gabi sa ER!” he laughed out loud. I had to agree, I was being childish. But that doesn’t mean I will not harm him.

 “Tse! This is all your fault!” I threw him another pillow, and he still caught it.

 “Tama na nga yang pagtatapon mo. I have enough pillows, thank you very much.”

 “Uncle Ace!” napalingon kami dalawa ni Ace sa loob ng bahay as my four-year-old son rushed down the stairs. He almost tripped running to us.

 “Justin, be careful naman!”

 He gave me a big sloppy kiss before climbing on Ace’s lap. Bagong gising lang sya, tayu-tayo pa ang buhok nya.

 “I have a big bulldozer! Do you want to see?” Justin faced Ace, his eyes twinkling. Ace gave him that bulldozer because he helped tend their garden two weeks ago. Mabuti na lang at hindi nya pa ra rin napagsasawaan.

 “Talaga? How big?”

 “Big! I can ride on it and dig! It’s outside.”

 “Is it color yellow and does it make sounds?”

 “Si! That’s the one!”

 “Si?” Nagkatinginan kami ni Ace. Mas marunong pa mag Español ang anak ko sa akin. Dapat siguro manood na rin ako ng Dora.

 “I think I gave that to you, Justin!” kiniliti sya ni Ace and Justin giggled as he tried to stop Ace’s fingers.

 “Stop, Uncle Ace! Stop!”

 He looked so much like Jaxx – dark brown hair, thick brows and heterochromatic gray eyes. But he had my nose and lips. May pagkapilyo din sya and he was bullheaded. Definitely not from me.

 “Okay, show me. Sunod ako.” Ace said and Justin nodded his head and scurried away.

 Ace looked at me softly and tilted his head to one side. He knew what had happened between Jaxx and me five years ago and I know it was my own doing kung bakit ganito kami ngayon. I was a fool, I was afraid, and I let my doubts and naïveté take the better of me. And my pride, oh this insurmountable pride that was misplaced at that time made things worse.

 “Cara, come here.” He tapped the seat beside him and moved the pillows I threw at him aside. I slumped my shoulders and sighed deeply. I dragged my feet and sat down beside Ace. I rested my head on his shoulder as he put his arm around me, both of us looking blankly ahead. I really wanted to make it up to Jaxx, takot lang talaga ko because of what I’ve done. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, regretful, mortified.. lahat na ng synonyms na applicable, that’s what I was feeling.

 “I’ve said this a hundred times before, Cara, and I will say it again. Jaxx will forgive you. It may take some time but he will. Trust me. And I know mapapatawad niya rin kami. Our barkada is very special to him, you especially. Kasi minahal ka niya.

 “But you have to take courage and aminim mo mali mo, tell him the truth, explain mo sa kanya anong nangyari. Five years Cara, sinaktan mo sya, you kept him in the dark. Wag mo na patagalin pa, please. As much as I love you, mahal ko din si Jaxx and I miss the guy he used to be. Well, I miss us all na magkasama and hindi na yun nangyayari.” He regretfully said while rubbing my arm with his hand.

He pulled be away and forced me to look at him, holding me by my shoulders.

 “Please, Cara, end this foolishness. If not for yourself, then do it for me, and for that little jackal that you guys have together. He needs his father. Ayoko nang ganito kayo, ayoko na na ganyan sya. And I need my bestfriend and my COO.” He begged me, his eyes were sad and I could feel the loneliness in his voice.

 I looked down on my lap and nodded silently. I fiddled with my hands, not knowing what to say. I know a asking a lot from him, from all of them – Val, Seb, Chino and Ace. They did not have to be burdened by what happened. Tama na when they picked me up and took care of me when I was at my lowest.

 After a few moments, Ace stood up. “I have to go. Have to check on my bulldozer before ko puntahan yung pasyente mo and make sure he gets that CT scan done.”

Sa condo kami natulog ni Justin that night. We were meeting Mom and Dad for lunch after our morning endorsements.

 Kilala na ng mga nurses si Justin since he was always at the hospital with me. For a while, we had a makeshift nursery sa callroom for him kasi nga I couldn’t always leave him with my parents since both of them are working and I did not want to leave him with only his yaya sa bahay.

 After tucking him in bed, I walked to my table and took out a box wherein in placed all of Jaxx’s photos and all the small things that reminded me of him. Whenever Justin would sleep here, he would ask to look at the photos of Jaxx and he would ask me to tell him stories about us and why his dad could not visit us yet.

 I picked up the first ultrasound print of the pregnancy, which I also stuffed in the box because Justin would occasionally ask for it. He was just a bean in my tummy then.

 I never grew tired of reminiscing all that had happened from the start of that year, to the misdiagnosed food poisoning na morning sickness na pala, to the night when I bled and almost lost Justin.

That night that I almost had a miscarriage, everyone thought I lost my baby. Even Tita Mel. She could not detect the heartbeat initially through the transabdominal ultrasound. But when she shifted to a TVS, she found Justin’s beating heart and immediately scheduled for surgery.

 I had an incompetent cervix, meaning, my cervix was gradually opening kahit na hindi pa dapat. Mabuti na lang naagapan and that emergent surgery saved Justin in time. I was able to carry my pregnancy to almost term without any more major problems.

 It was also after that night that my parents finally spoke to me. Well, I finally begged for their forgiveness and I wanted to go home with them so bad. Hinihintay lang naman daw nila ako, like the prodigal child that I was. It had to take me almost miscarrying to swallow my pride and go home.

 Everyone wanted to be there during the delivery but I only let Val and my Mom in. However, Derek and Dad sneaked shortly after to take photos and to see Justin.

 Jasmine and Kaloy never complained about taking more hours and duties pero they complained about my constant pumping kasi nakakailang daw. According to Kaloy moment he hears the breast pump whir, feeling nya his breasts where being sucked as well. Kaya nagtatago ako sa pantry o di kaya sa dressing room when I need to pump.

 I had to continually pump my breastmilk so Justin did not have to depend on formula milk. There was a section in the freezer sa callroom na designated for my milk bags and natatawa ako whenever I had to pump and maabutan nila ako in the kitchen. Ang bilis makatalikod ng mga senior kong lalaki, as if they’d just caught me naked.

 Ace, Seb, Val, and even Chino offered to look after Justin. Kapag duty ako, nagco-condo hopping to si Justin. Ace and Val already had a mini-nursery sa condo nila. Si Seb naman inuuwi nya sa Valle so his parents were also very fond of Justin. Kaya ang nanny ni Justin, si Elena, kilalang kilala na rin ng mga tao.

 Of the people na hindi ko inaasahan na masasandalan ko through all of this, it was Derek and that took me by surprise. He took care of me throughout the rest of my pregnancy. Hindi ko alam if he did it because na pressure sya or it was out of kindness but he seemed to genuinely care about me. He was included in my Dad’s phonebook kung sino mga tatawagan about my whereabouts and how I was doing during the ordeal.

 And when Justin was born, sila ni Bruce ang tuwang-tuwa kapag nasa callroom ang bata, especially when he began talking and walking. Kung anu-anong salita tinuturo nila kay Justin, buti na lang his first word was still, “mama”.

 Derek graduated three years ago. He did his Surgical Oncology Fellowship sa Makati General Hospital so we still constantly saw each other. Now, he’s already a junior consultant but he still spent a lot of time in the Cancer Center and when he was around, he always looked for Justin.

 In fact, madalas niyang iniikot si Justin during his rounds sa Oncology ward. He would show Justin the sick kids and he taught him compassion and how to be kind to these kids. Ang dami na ngang alam ng anak ko about cancer and chemotherapy kakabisita sa ward at kakasama kay Derek.

“Cara! Pahiram naman kay Justin. I saw you bring him in kanina.” Derek greeted me as he sipped his morning coffee.

“Sure, nasa callroom siya. Magra-rounds lang kami saglit.”

“One hour?”

“Yup.”

“Alright! Thanks!” Derek quickly left me and headed for the callroom to pick up Justin.

After an hour, Derek and Justin were walking hand in hand in the wards. Derek was holding his phone on the left hand and his right was holding Justin’s left hand. Si Justin naman may hawak na bagong Hot Wheels car on his right and he was letting it run on the wall.

Looking at them, you’d think na mag-ama sila if it weren’t for Justin’s eye color.

Guilt suddenly washed over me. I realized I did not want Jaxx to miss this. This was his role. I had no right to give it to anyone else. I had to let him know at least. It would hurt him more if he found out from someone else and he had missed Justin’s childhood.

Handa naman din ako kung sakaling he didn’t want to be a part of us anymore. At least I also gave Justin a chance to meet his father.