Five Years After

My Death Sentence

Pagkauwi ko ng condo, I immediately snuggled beside Justin. Medyo may sinat pa siya pero masmahimbing na tulog niya kahit na sa bibig siya humihinga. Apat na araw na siyang inuubo at nilalagnat and I just started him on antibiotics on his yesterday. Noong una akala ko simpleng ubo at sipon lang dahil sa panahon, tapos naging masama ang ubo nya kahapon kaya agad-agad ako bumili ng gamot.

Yaya Elena was sleeping on a mattress on the floor beside the bed, katabi nya lahat ng gamot at measuring cups ni Justin. May thermometer pa syang naka-handa. Nirereport nya sa akin ang temperature ni Justin every 6 hours in case he needs another dose of Paracetamol.

 While lying beside Justin and just feeling his steady breathing, my thoughts went back to Grace and Jaxx.

Hindi ko maalalang nakita ko sya sa mga pictures ni Jaxx sa f*******: pero nga naman hindi ko din sila tinitigan kasi si Jaxx ang tiningnan ko sa lahat ng pictures. Did they get back together even while he was in the States or dito na?

I rolled my eyes at myself for being so senseless. I mean, does it even matter kailan sila nagkabalikan? The main question is, are they back together? Kasi kung hindi sila, anong ginagawa nya sa condo ni Jaxx, ala una ng umaga? And surely she would not take the liberty of answering the door if hindi sila diba? Or would she?

Oh Cara, what does it matter? He went back to her, diin ko sa sarili ko.

 Yung inaasam-asam kong pangarap na sana mabuo ang pamilya namin was slowly going down the drain. I know I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’d be okay if Jaxx wasn’t my happy ever after as long as I find one, but that was a big fat lie. Just like the lies I spewed about being over him and moving on, like the little fib I said that I didn’t care what he did with his life, like that untruth that I claimed na hindi ako nasasaktan that he’s dating other women and moving on.

 Lagi ko syang iniisip, na sana nasa mabuting kalagayan sya, na sana hindi na sya maaksidente pa ulit, nna sana gumaling na yung fracture nya. Kinakamusta ko sya kay Ace. Minsan, nakikita ko pictures nya sa Lifestyle column ng mga newspaper sa tuwing may mga relevant social or business endeavors na inaattendan ng mga alta.

 I was proud of him that he was successful in his work and his business was expanding, my heart swelled seeing that genuinely happy smile on his face when he graduated, na parang ako yung gumradweyt ulit na kapiling ang pamilya.

 Pero kasi kasama sa kanyang mga success stories ay ang mga kwento tungkol sa mga babaeng nali-link sa kanya, how he is photographed with different women in all the galas and social events. None of them ever claimed na girlfriend niya and all the Lifestyle columns did was speculate who has gotten him smitten but there was always no comment on his end. Minsan lang sya nag comment na single sya and it was for that magazine feature on the hottest young bachelors in town, kung saan kasama sila ni Ace. After that interview, he never said anything about his private life again.

 But that was three years ago and maybe a lot has changed and one of them was his status. And as the events a few hours ago, at last, sank in my head, the tears finally came.

 s**t. He went back to her. He always did.

 Why can’t I just get over him? Please, move on, you stupid heart! Bakti ba ang hirap mong turuan ng tama?

--

 “Dem, Plan C na. Ayoko na bumalik sa condo nya. Bumi-bingo na ako sa mga guard and I don’t want to interrupt him again.” I exhaled deeply as I stabbed the innocent potato on my plate. Naiinis ako sa tuwing naaalala ko pagmumukha ni Grace. Dapat pala yung paa ko na lang pinakausap ko sa kanya.

 We were between cases and we were having our lunch at four in the afternoon at the OR lounge. I gave him a quick recap of all three attempts and he thought I should give it one more try.

 N**p*cha.

Grace’s words still lingered in my head. Alam kong hindi sila engaged, but there was this fear inside me that was growing more each day, telling me na nagkabalikan na naman sila ni Jaxx and maybe he might really propose to her. She was his first love, after all, and Jaxx is an idiot romantic. I bet he will think na she’s the one pala talaga after all these years.

 L**he! Ako dapat yung “the one” nya, e!

 Kung sa bagay, “the one” nya nga naman din ako. The one who left, the one who pushed him away, the one who had his child and never told him, and now wants to be together with him again, after five long years. And the one who was sorry for all the things she’s done. The one who’s chasing him. The one who’s trying to figure out how to talk to him. Ako ‘yun, ako yung “the one” na iyon. 

The pathetic one.

 “Dem, I’ve already wasted so much time. And ayoko nga na baka ibang babae na naman bubukas ng pinto. Masakit, just so you know.”

 “Look, nag-aalangan ako kasi tama naman yung unang sabi mo. It’s low for you to ambush him during his mom’s chemo session. I don’t want to stress out his mom. The last time na nandun kayo ilang araw syang pagod na pagod from the happening.”

 “’Kayo’? Parang wala ka rin dun.” I grumbled.

 “But I wasn’t part of the drama unfolding before everyone’s eyes. Alam mo ba pati mga nurses tinatanong ako kung anong nangyari dun?”

 “Sus, gusto lang nila malaman kung sino si Jaxx at kung single ba sya.” I rolled my eyes.

 “Well, true. May nagtanong nga.”

 “Walang nagtanong sa kanila kung single ako?”

 “As if,” he chuckled and rolled his eyes at me. “Kung ayaw mo na sa Plan A, mas maigi siguro to try Plan B muna. She will be done in three weeks pa naman. Subukan mo muna,” Derek insisted.

 I was about to tell Derek na ayoko na talaga nang biglang tumawag si Seb. I asked him to look after Justin today while I did my OR. Twenty-four hours na na hindi nilalagnat si Justin, and his cough was also improving so hindi ako masyado na guilty to ask Seb to watch over him for a few hours.

 “Hi Scarlet letter, kamusta? Nasa ospital ka pa ba?” he sounded chirpy.

 “Oo, bakit?”

 “Tapos ka na ba mag-OR?” A bit too chirpy, it was suspicious. Naku, mukhang may nagawa na naman tong kasalanan sa akin. May nabasag na naman ba sa condo ko?

 “May isang kaso pa ako then tapos na. Bakit?”

 “Pwede mo ba kami kitain sa ER?”

 “P**ha naman Seb, BAKIT?!”

 A hundred thoughts raced to my head: nahulog ba si Justin? Nabalian ba sya? Did he have a cut that needed surturing?

 “Si Justin kasi, hindi ko mapatigil pagdugo ng ilong nya e,” now he sounded uncomfortable. I closed my eyes and controlled my temper. Malilintikan to si Miguel sa akin pagka nagkita kami.

 “Go to the ER. Now.”

 Fortunately, it was not a fall kung bakit nagdurugo ang ilong ng anak ako. Pero unfortunately, na-admit pa rin sya dahil sa Dengue. He was having fever for a few days but I thought it was from his respiratory tract infection.

 Now, he needed a transfusion and he was panicking. He was usually a brave boy pero siguro dahil nakikita niyang natataranta ang mga tao sa paligid niya, natatakot tuloy sya.

Naluluha sya habang tinitingnan ang pedia chief resident na naglalagay ng swero sa kanya. Hindi ko na mabilang pang-ilang ulit na nilang sinubukan lagyan ng IV access si Justin. Nahihiarapan sila because his veins were tiny and they were hardly visible. He was dehydrated and wala syang gana kumain o uminom. Nagsusuka pa sya and nahihirapan pang huminga kasi hindi pa sya gumagaling from his respiratory infection. Pati tuloy ako naiiyak na. I asked them to stop for a while ksi awang-awa na ako sa kanya.

When they left us in the room, that was when Justin began crying. Masakit na raw mga kamay niya. Ayaw nya na magpa-line. Seb and I tried to convince him that it was for his own good, para mabigyan sya ng gamot pero mas lalo lang syang umiyak.

What was even more painful was that he looked tired and very sick. His usual bright and sparkling eyes were dull and sunken, they had dark circles under na wala naman dapat sa mga batang malusog. His lips were chapped, and halos wala nang luha na lumalabas sa mga mata niya. Ang dami nang bakas ng IV needles sa dalawang mga kamay niya at nasimula na itong magpasa.

 He begged for me to make them stop, na kung kailangan talaga, one more time and ako ang maglalagay because he doesn’t trust them anymore.

O diyos ko! Hindi nga kinaya ng chief resident ng pedia, ako pa ba kaya? Kailan ba ako huling naglagay ng IV line sa bata? Hindi ko yata kaya yung pinapagawa nya sa akin. Ni hindi ko nga halos pinapadapuan ng lamok, ngayon ako pa ang tutusok! 

Ganito pala pakiramdam ng mga mommy sa ER na umiiyak at humihiling sa amin na huwag nang lagyan ng IV line. Ganito pala ka tindi ang pakiramdam na nasasaktan ka dahil nasasaktana ng iyong anak. I will never tell a crying mom to stop crying anymore. Legitimate ang pag-iyak niya kasi nakakadurog ng puso ang panoorin ang anak mong nasasaktan at wala kang magawa.

Justin fell asleep while crying in my arms. My heart was breaking seeing him hurting so much yet I could not do anything to stop them because it had to be done. We needed an IV access for transfusion. The latest time for it to be done would be tomorrow morning. Mabuti na lang tumigil na sa pagdugo ang ilong nya but that was not an assurance na walang ibang parte sa katawan nya ang nagdudugo. Mas mahirap matantya ang internal bleeding and my worst fear was for bleeding to occur in his head. 

Hindi ako nakatulog. I kept on looking at his hands, I needed to find viable vessels otherwise we will have to make a central venous line.

Nagising siya bandang alas dose ng hating gabi and I was so happy to hear him ask for something to drink and food. Dali-daling bumangon si Dad to reheat the congee and open a bottle of Yakult.

Ilang subo lang ang nakain niya pero naubos nya ang Yakult. Thank god for Yakult!

Tinabihan ko sya ulit sa kama and talked to him about getting an IV line in the morning na ako ang maglalagay. I also told him na if hindi talaga successful, we will bring him to the OR kasi kailangan na kailangan niya na may dextrose.

Naintindihan nya naman mga pinagsasabi ko and he tried to reason his way na kung pwedeng hindi na lang.

“Kung pwede lang sana, anak, pero hindi eh. You need it because it’s the only way to give you blood.”

 “Can I drink it na lang? I promise I will finish it.”

 Inumin? Talaga lang? Ano ka, bampira? Nakakaloka!

 Siguradong matatawa ako kung ibang tao ang nagtanong sakin nun, but it was my son and when his woeful eyes looked at me and desperately begged me to say ‘yes, it’s possible’, I could not do it. Instead, I regretfully shook my head and wiped a rogue tear that had slipped out from my eye. He started to whimper again. 

This must be very traumatic for him. One moment he was just sleeping in my condo, the next minute nasa ER na sya and kung anu-ano na pinagkakakabit sa kanya. I stroked his head and hugged him tighter.

 “Mommy, will you promise to put it one time only?” he asked while his head rested on my arm.

 “I promise to try. Only one time. If I still won’t make it, we will have to bring you to the OR, as I said.”

 “I don’t want to go to the OR, Mommy. Please do it once.” His voice quivered. I merely nodded. I could not make any promises and I certainly would not make any false ones just to appease him.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, love?”

“Can daddy come tomorrow when you do it?”

I was stunned beyond comprehension. I think I might have stopped breathing after he said that. Of all the things to ask from me, ang daddy nya pa ang naisip nya. 

I wanted to tell him ‘no’, na hindi pwede, na hindi ko kaya, na kapag nandito ang dad nya mas lalong hindi ko siya malagyan ng line dahil sa kaba. Sure ball na hindi ko kaya. If nandito si Jaxx, I might as well book his OR schedule without even trying.

But he had to say four little words that made me cry in shame for even thinking of denying his request. It wasn’t a request anymore. It was my death sentence.

“Please? I miss him.”