Five Years After

Why doesn't he know?

God. Dammit. Cara.

I marched a hole in the corridor outside Justin’s room just thinking of what to say to Jaxx when I call him. I was going to make that dreaded phone call in a while because Justin wanted Jaxx to be there tomorrow morning. It was high time that they met formally anyway.

After hours of contemplating, I thought to myself what Jaxx always said when he threw caution to the wind: Bahala na si Batman.

I dialed the number Ace gave me and waited. It rang once, twice, thrice… I wanted to put it down but then he picked up on the fourth ring. Sana namatay na lang ako.

“Hello?” hearing his voice immediately made me lose my composure. “Hello? Sorry, hold on I’ll move to a quieter place.” Maingay ang sa likod so I don’t think he realized na hindi pa ako nagsasalita. He’s still out partying at two in the morning. God, I hope he doesn’t go home with Grace tonight. For my sanity’s sake, let me not find out.

 When it was finally quiet, he spoke again. “Hello?”

 “Hello, Jaxx?”

 There was a slight pause. “Yes.”

 “It’s me. Cara.”

 “Cara,” he repeated.

 But the way he said my name, it sounded strangled like he was hurting him just to say it. I thought I would never get tired of hearing him say my name. But not like this, not when it felt like it was the last thing he wanted to say.

 I leaned on the wall for support. Suddenly, the cat’s got my tongue and no matter how I tried, my voice couldn’t get past the lump in my throat.

 I heard him sigh. “Do you want to say something or should I end this call?”

 “I, uhm, yeah. Sorry.” I breathed. Inhale, exhale. There’s no point in beating around the bush because I could not form words as quickly as I should and I don’t know if he would listen. “If it’s not too much to ask, can you come by the hospital tomorrow, six am?”

 There was a calculated pause. “This invitation is rather late, don’t you think? It’s two in the morning and I’m still… indisposed.”

 I’m surprised that he listened to my request and that he was talking to me. In fact, I’m surprised he even stayed on the line when he realized it was me.

“Yeah, I can tell. I’m really sorry to disturb you, I just needed to ask. For Justin.”

 “For Justin. Really.” he was doubtful and borderline mocking me. I wanted to argue and tell him that I wasn’t lying. If I had my way, I would not call him, not tonight at least. But I closed my eyes and bit my tongue. It was hard to believe but it was the truth. I needed to get the message through.

 “Yes, for Justin. If you could make time –“

 “Why should I?” he was now getting irritated and I was beginning to break down.

 “Jaxx, please, I didn’t call to demand anything. I’m sorry. But he asked for you.”

 “Bullshit. Why the hell would he ask for me? We only met once, I doubt he even remembers.” he scoffed. I could almost see him roll his eyes. “What is this really about, Cara?”

 “If you could drop by the hospital tomorrow around six AM at room1201, I would be grateful. That’s all I want.”

 “And if I don’t?”

 “No pressure, Jaxx. It’s a request, not a demand.” But I really hope you’d come because our son needs you and he misses you. Hell, we both miss you but this is more for him than me. Please, please, please show up tomorrow, even just for a while.

 But I wasn’t going to blackmail him with pity. It was bad enough that I asked him all of a sudden.

 “Good to know.” He said and he immediately cut the call before I could thank him.

 As heart-wrenching as our conversation was, iyon lang ata ang magagawa ko as of the moment. I wanted to pour my heart out, to cry and tell him the truth. It wasn’t the best time but di ko alam kalian yun. Pero ganun naman ako lagi e, gusto lang pero hindi kayang gawin. Duwag.

 By six in the morning, the nurses were back in the room and the IV tray was already at the foot of the bed. Mahimbing pa tulog ni Justin at ayaw ko pa syang gisingin. I was also hoping Jaxx would show up. I walked aimlessly around the room, looking repeatedly at my phone for any message or call.

 By six fifteen, I stroked Justin’s cheek to wake up him. He stirred and his eyes fluttered open. His eyes immediately scanned the room and the disappointment was evident when he didn’t see his father. His shoulders sagged and his eyes looked down on his hands that were playing with the hem of his shirt.

 There was a knock on the door and my heart pounded in my chest. Is it really he? Could it really be? Everyone turned to see who it was.

 “Hi. I came as soon as I can.” Derek strode in and settled directly on the spot beside Justin and kissed the top of his head. Suot-suot nya smock gown niya and his stethoscope was sticking out from one of his pockets.

 “Hey Derek, I’m glad you’re here. Baka hindi ko ma shoot ‘to, kinakabahan na ako.” I was relieved but also disappointed and I was sure it showed on my face.

 “Is he coming?” Justin’s voice was soft but hopeful.

 “Who’s coming?” Derek asked.

 I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. I didn’t have the courage to say his name out loud in front of everyone like it was going to jinx everything. Hindi naman ako superstitious pero wala namang mawawala sakin diba? There’s nothing wrong with hoping and doing everything, rational or not, just to make it come true.

 “He said he will try. He was still working when I called him last night. Maybe he’s getting ready right now.” I lied.

 “Can we wait?”

 “I’m sorry, anak, but we need to put the line already. You’ll need the transfusion soon.”

 “Cara, who is he waiting for?”

 “Derek, please. Not now.” I looked at him tearfully. He stood up and walked to the foot of the bed. He looked at me kindly and stuffed his hand in his coat pocket.

 “Gusto mo ako na?” he asked. I shook my head remembering my promise to Justin.

 Habang hinahanda ko ang mga kailangan, Derek politely told the nurses to leave us and that we will call them if we needed anything. He returned to his spot at the foot of the bed, covering my view of the door. He helped me prime the line and he laid out everything I needed, making it easy for me to reach for the next thing quickly.

 We were both stalling until there was nothing more to do.

“Mommy, where is he?” Justin’s voice quivered.

 “I’m so sorry, anak. He was working late and he.. he said he’ll try, but no promises.” I sighed. “But we need to do this now, okay? You’re going to be just fine. Ako ata ang hindi okay.” I gave him a weak smile.

 “Cara, come on. Just hold Justin, ako na magla-line. Your hands are shaking hindi mo yan ma sho-shoot.” Derek moved to push me out of my seat.

 “Mommy, I want my da—“

 “Buenos días, chacal,” a warm, manly voice said behind Derek. My head spun so fast I think I must have snapped my neck. I must have been so preoccupied I didn’t hear him knock, nor did I hear the door open. But I could not hide my surprise nor was I able to stop myself from sighing loudly in relief.

 “Oh, thank God!” I breathed as quietly as possible as I buried my face in my cold, shaking hands.

 “Gran zorro!” Immediately the forlorn look on Justin’s face was replaced with pure elation. Mas tumuwid ang upo nya at kung kaya nya lang, sigurado akong tumalon na sya para yakapin ama nya.

 Lumapit si Jaxx kay Justin ngunit hindi nya ako nilingon man lang. Basa pa buhok niya, halatang kakaligo lang nya. He was in a plain gray shirt and dark jogger jeans. I missed seeing him in his casual clothes. I missed seeing him, period. The faint scent of his cologne invaded my sense as he settled on the other side of the bed beside Justin.

 “You came,” Justin told Jaxx, still smiling.

 “I’m sorry I’m late. Why are you sick?” his voice was soft pero rinig na rinig namin lahat because the room was deathly quiet.

 Justin didn’t know the answer to that and I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I wasn’t sure he wanted me to talk to him anyway. Sensing the suffocating tension in the room, Derek adeptly to put all feelings aside and became the doctor that was expected of both of us.

 “Glad you’re here now, pare. Hinihintay ka nya talaga. But I’m sorry to interrupt because we need to put the line now. The blood has been thawed and you need to get it immediately, buddy.” Derek said as he looked at Justin.

 Suddenly he fished out his handkerchief from the front pocket of his jeans and wiped Justin’s nose.

 “P’re, pahawak na lang muna, his nose is bleeding again. Don’t tilt his head back, just pinch it lightly,” he instructed Jaxx who nodded and replaced Derek’s hand with his. Jaxx sat on the bed beside Justin and handed him a Sharpie he brought with him. Justin’s eyes twinkled as he took the marker and Jaxx held out his cast.

 “Chacal, just breathe through your mouth, okay?” Justin nodded.

 “You’re doing great, buddy,” Derek reassured.

 However, Justin’s eyes widened with fear when Derek held his hand and began sanitizing the area where he wanted to place the line.

 “Sorry, bud. Will it be okay if ako na gagawa nito instead of your mom? I know she wanted to do it but we both know who’s better at this,” He winked at Justin giving him a teasing smile, trying to lighten the situation. Justin merely looked at him, undecided.

 “Cars, pakuha na lang nung FFP sa station para maikabit na natin. You don’t want to be around when I do this,” He said while tying the tourniquet on Justin’s forearm. Jaxx pulled Justin closer to him and gently turned his head to face him. He asked Justin something inconsequential obviously to distract him from the procedure and Derek opened the cannula while staring at Justin’s hand.

He was wrong and right at the same time. I wanted to be there for my son but at the same time I didn’t want to witness it.

 I quickly stepped out and rushed to the nurses’ station. The nurses were still doing their ward rounds so hinanap ko pa sila kung nasan na sila and dragged one of them to do the cross-checking with me.

When we returned to the room, Derek was already running the fluid and Jaxx ruffled Justin’s hair. Jaxx was biting his lower lip, trying to contain his smile as Justin returned his marker. However, his smile dropped when he saw me. I had to look away to hide my tears. That hurt.

 Nagpaalam na siya kay Justin shortly after and thanked Derek as well. They shook hands. There was a sincere smile on Derek’s face and the way Jaxx thanked him was just as heartfelt. I was baffled. I was gone for less than ten minutes and already they were like friends.

He continued to bite his lip when he neared me. His eyes spoke volumes of anger, disappointment, betrayal, denial, and refusal.

 “Thank you.”

 He simply stared at me and shook his head, then headed out. He did not say a word pero kitang-kita na nagpipigil siya. Sa tindi ng pagkagat nya baka dumugo na yung kapag hindi sya umalis.

 I felt like I was doused with cold water when I realized na baka may nasabi si Justin o si Derek kay Jaxx na dapat ako ang nagsabi. But Derek would not do it, right? He knew how much I needed to be the one to tell Jaxx. But Justin, he didn’t know.

 I don’t know what came over me but it took several moments after he left bago ako natauhan at hinabol ko sya. Naabutan ko sya as he waited for the elevator.

 “Jaxx, wait!”

 Alam kong naririnig nya ako kasi yung nurse na nasa unahan nya pa lumingon sa direksyon ko. Pero sya, hindi lumingon. Patuloy pagtitig nya sa elevator na parang wala siyang narinig, na parang hindi na sya makapag hintay at kailangan nya nang makaalis. His right hand was in his jean’s pocket but I could see the muscles on his forearm contracting as his hand balled into a fist.

 “Jaxx, I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner, that it –“

 “Stop it, Cara.” he spat, bitterness lacing his words. “You don’t get to do this. Not here, not now.”

 Hindi nya pa rin ako tiningnan pero sa tindi ng titig nya, he could have drilled a hole through the elevator doors.  He did not have to look at me kasi ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit and sakit sa boses nya. Napuno ng luha mga mata ko at kinagat ko mga labi ko para pigilan sarili kong suminghot o magsalita sa takot na baka hindi ko mapigilan ang pagbuhos ng mga luha.

 I brought this upon us, upon myself. Wala akong karapatang magalit na hindi nya ako pinakinggan. Pinagbigyan nya na ako sa hiling ko kagabi. Maybe this was too much, too soon. Maybe I should give him some time and some space.

 Pero hindi pa ba sapat ang limang taon?

 Sabay bumukas ang dalawang elevators and nagsilabasan ang mga residente ng iba’t ibang specialties. Oras na kasi ng morning rounds. Some of them noticed me and gave me a look of concern. Yung iba naman dinaanan lang ako na parang hangin. At sa isang iglap, nawala na si Jaxx sa paningin ko.

 When I got back to the room, Justin was happily eating a fruit cup with jello. He was almost finished with it and hindi sya nag reklamo.

 “Where did you get that?” it didn’t matter that he hasn’t had breakfast yet, or that it had a lot of sugar in it. I was just thankful that he had some appetite.

 “Tito Derek gave it to me. I finished it. See?” he beamed at me and showed me the empty cup.

 “That’s wonderful, anak,” I smiled at him and kissed the top of his head. “Did it hurt?”

 “A little. Sana Tito Derek was here yesterday,” he pouted.

 “Sana nga, but he was at the OR when you were admitted. Are you happy to see Mr. Fox?”

 He merely nodded. I wonder if it’s just that the earlier enthusiasm had faded or there was something more. I remained quiet.

 “Mommy, is he really my daddy?” he suddenly asked me, confused. He looked happy to see Jaxx earlier but it was now replaced by indifference and detachment.

 I nodded hesitantly.

 “Why doesn’t he know?”