RAGE AND PASSION (TAG-LISH)

CHAPTER 3

TRAVIS' POV

I went back to my office and sat on my swivel chair, and then I frustratedly cupped my head, raking some of my hair. 

What is happening to me? I was so confused. I could hardly believe that I was capable of committing such cruelty. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. 

Each night, I felt like I was being possessed by a demon. I felt like I was losing my sanity. I don't know why I couldn't control myself, something demonic was taking control over my mind and my body, and then in the morning, I'd end up finding myself being through with the same mistake, over and over again. I wanted to apologize, but I don't think I deserve to be forgiven because even I couldn't accept what I did.

I couldn't even face her because I'm afraid that I might end up becoming a monster again, so I just kept my distance away from her for almost a week now. I isolated and drowned myself from work just to avoid her. I kept on figuring out how could I possibly reach out to her without being harsh, because the last time I tried, I almost got killed her. I'm so scared that I might end up doing the worst. 

I have been hearing endless gossips about her, but I never believed those, not even once. I was blinded by my love for her, but at the same time, that love was also pushing me to want to know more. I was so guilty at that time when I hired someone to dig more about her, it was as if I was stubbing her from behind for not trusting her. Through the investigations, I found out that all the rumors were true. She grew up in an awful kind of family and was raised and taught at an early age to work at a strip club. Her family was illegally engaged in prostitution and gambling. But knowing all the truth, I chose to accept all of her bad past, confident enough that she had changed into something holy, only to find out that I was wrong. She cheated on me and I witnessed it just right in front of me, but I never hated her for that, Instead, I hate my self even more. Many questions in my mind kept bothering me— Why did she do that? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not enough? 

I love Dannelle more than anything else in the universe and even if that would cost my life, I will never hesitate to sacrifice just for her and that is why I turned blind and ignore all of those and I'd love her even more with all of her flaws for who she is, even if she cheats on me, multiple times I will never hesitate to forgive her, but the pain was so raw, so I started to dosed myself with alcohol until I realized that over drinking was the reason why I was turning into a violent monster that no one could ever imagine, so I decided to stop drowning with too much. I admit, I was drunk a while ago but it was just one glass, thinking it won't cause any harm, little did I know that glass would be enough to transform myself into a hideous monster which made me almost killed her again.

I don't understand what is going on with me. From now on, I won't drink anymore, not even a sip. I had experienced being too much drunk before but none of those did I ever turned into a violent one. I know myself, and I am very certain that I can never hurt anyone, especially never with Dannelle.

"Tama na! Patayin mo na lang ako! hindi ko na kaya!"

What she said keeps bothering me. I took a deep breath and slowly released. It helps lessen the troubles that keep tormenting me from the inside, it felt like I was stuck between rage and passion. My frustrations were driving me crazy.

"Sir, are you ok?" Thomas asked worriedly. I didn't even notice him entered my office.

"Huh?" I looked at him, baffled.

"The legal department is done reviewing the contracts and it is now ready for your signature—" I cut off his words.

"Where is she?" I asked coldly.

"She is now resting at the maid's quarters."

I immediately stood up leaving him at my office and went straight to the maid's quarters. I was hesitating to turn the knob thinking of the worst thing that might happen. I'm so terrified that I might turn into a beast again. I took a deep breath, fixing up myself back together. My drunkenness had already subsided. 

After I had finally assured myself that I'm ready, I carefully opened the door and there, I found her sleeping peacefully. I sat beside her and started to fondle her cheek. 

My heart broke the moment I saw some wound marks and bruises on her skin. She got even thinner and her bones were so visible under her fragile skin. 

My tears began to rush out. "Oh, Dannelle, I am so sorry." I sniffed kiss her hand, and then I snuggled on her right cheek as my tears were endlessly gushing out from my eyes.

A memory flashed like a ray of light in my mind and it brought me back to where I first met her.

Dear Mr. Ylvania, 

Ako po si Dannelle Gervacio, labing-walong taong gulang. Isa po ako sa mga maswerteng nakatangap ng full scholarship grant mula sa YGGC. Working student po ako at paputol-putol ang pag-aaral ko dahil hindi sapat ang sinasahod kaya kailangan kong huminto sa bawat pagitan ng pasukan para magtrabaho at makapag-ipon sa susunod na pasukan. Pero dahil sa mabuti niyo pong kalooban ay hindi ko na po kailangan magpahinto-hinto. Marami po kayong natutulangan na katulad ko kaya laking pasasalamat po naming lahat sa 'yo.

Nasa unang taon pa lang po ako sa kursong Bachelor of Science in Social Work, pinili ko po itong kurso kase gusto ko pong makapag lingkod sa mga kababayan natin lalong-lalo na po ang mga batang katulad ko na lumaking ulila. Sana po ay marami pa po kayong matulungan.

Pinapangako ko po na mag-aaral po ako ng mabuti para po magantihan ko ang kabutihan niyo at sana po balang araw ay magkita po tayo ng personal at makapagpasalamat ako ng pormal.

Ipinagmamalaki ko pong ipinapa-alam na nakapasok po ako sa Dean's list ngayong semester na ito. Mas lalo ko pa pong pag bubutihan upang hindi ko po kayo mabigo sa pagtustus ng halat ng gastusin ko sa pag-aaral ko. 

Marami pong salamat at hanggang dito na lamang po.

Lubos na gumagalang,

Dannelle Gervacio

She already captured my heart the moment I read her heartfelt letter. And I could tell that she has a pure, warm, and sincere personality. The kind of a lady that every man would ever dream. 

Days had past and I could no longer take her out of my mind. She always pops on my thoughts now and then, and it felt like she's taking some parts of my mind, my heart, and my soul and it gets bigger and bigger each day until eventually, she had totally conquered my entire system. She instantly became part of my daily routine and I am losing my mind, in a light-hearted way.

"Thomas," I said with my usual kingly tone of voice.

"Anything, Sir?" he answered with his usual smart aura.

"Do you know which university she's attending?" I asked, playing spin with my pen in between my fingers.

Thomas raised his brow with confusion. He sets aside what he was doing and then he stared at me. "I noticed that you've been acting really weird lately. Is it because of the letter sender?" He smiled, meaningfully.

"Urgh! Just answer me!" I said a little bit embarrassed.

He laughs lightly. "She's our scholar from the Univer—" I didn't even let him finished talking.

"That's great! Bring me there, I wanted to see her." I excitedly took my keys and threw it to him.

As soon as we entered the University, someone caught my attention. A very simple lady, in a crowd surrounded by luxuriously, well dressed-up students. She was the only person who looks different among all of them. She was wearing an old-fashioned dress which looks so worn-out but despite that, she looks content with it... And wearing such doesn't lessen her beauty. I've never seen anyone or anything simple, that could look as stunning as she could ever be.

"Sir, please wait for a moment. I'll just talk with the university president so they could assist us." Thomas left me in my car. I just continued to look at her through the tinted window of my card at the back seat. 

She suddenly runs in my car's direction, and faced the tinted window of my car at the backseat where I was sitting, and then she fixed her long brunette hair using the tinted window as her mirror. She has no idea that I was inside the car and the window was the only thing which blocks in between us.

I felt a sudden rise of heat on my face and I could feel the unusual rapid beatings of my heart under my chest. I look at her and she still got no clue that our eyes had already collided. 

She is undeniably beautiful even without a single tint on her face. Her innocent beauty was so natural. The Gods must have been mistaken in bringing her into the world of humans instead of heaven where angels belong.

She walked and went somewhere so I got out of my car and I secretly followed her. She stops at the grassy field under the gigantic tree where a lady janitress was resting.

"Dannelle, nariyan ka pala," said the lady janitress.

I was a bit stun when I heard her name, she has the same name with the girl who sent me the letter.

"Manang, may dala po akong baon para sa ating dalawa." Her gentle voice sounds so good to hear and the sight of her looks so good in my eyes, it brings comfort and warmth. I can't help myself but smile.

"Nako, nag-abala ka pa. Napakabuti mo talagang bata ka."

From the enchanting fantasies, as I was admiring her in my daydreams, Thomas appeared and I was brought back to reality. 

"Sir," he said.

"They were right, she's just right here," Thomas said as he looks at her.

"Do you wish to talk with her?" he asked.

"No need. Let's go," I said and went inside the car. Everything I saw was enough already.

"One more thing," I added. 

"Anything else, Sir?" Thomas asked politely, waiting for my orders.

"Buy her some new stuff, provide a safe and comfortable place for her, and give everything she might need without letting her know that it was from me."

"Will take note of that, Sir. Anything else?" 

"Well I guess, that's enough. Let's go." I answered.

We drove back to my office with a smile on my face as I think of her, she is exceptionally beautiful from within and out.

That was the first time I first met Dannelle. I never believe in love at first sight before, but when I met her, my point of view had instantly changed. 

For four years, I had also pretended to be someone just for her not to get intimidated by me. She has no idea that the Tristan she met at my office was actually me. I knew her even before she knew me and I loved her first even before she does.

I stood up and carried her gently. I brought her to my room, and then put her down on my bed. 

"I love you, Dannelle. I am so sorry." I kissed her forehead.

Her eyes opened slowly, and then she suddenly gotten startled in horror when she saw me. "Tra-Travis, p-parang awa mo na, 'wag!" she uttered faintly with her jittering mouth.

"Jesus Christ!" I cursed out in too much worry. "Dannelle, babe, calm down, I'm not gonna hurt."

I panicked when I saw her forced herself to rise. Her body wiggled and it almost collapsed when she withdraws all her strength just to get away from me.

"P-Patawarin mo ako. H-Hindi ko sinasadyang mapunta rito. P-Patawad," her voice was shaking, hysterically begging for mercy. She hugged herself and sat down on the side of the corner.

"No, It's okay, It's okay, nothing's bad gonna happen." I was trying to reassure her.

She pressed her back against the corner as she was hugging herself when I tried to take a step towards her. She looks seriously frightened with my presence as if she sees me as a monster and it really breaks my heart.

She starts crying together with her trembling body. She looks so traumatized and depressed. Oh God, what have I done?

I step back putting a little distance from her, assuring her that nothing's bad gonna happen. I am such a crap! 

I bent up my head looking up at the ceiling as I released a heavy breath. My knees automatically dropped on the floor. 

"I am so sorry, Dannelle," My voice cracked in agony. I dropped my head down my shoulder level, and then I let my endless tears from falling. I couldn't control it any longer, I started sobbing. 

"Dannelle, alam kong walang kapatawaran ang lahat ng nagawa ko sa 'yo and I am not asking you to forgive me dahil maski ako hindi ko kayang patawarin ang sarili ko." I paused for a while. Some fluids were starting to block my nose and it makes it even harder for me to breathe.

I look at her and there I saw her face shifted from a terrified looks to a worried expression, it has gotten even softer and warmer. 

"Dannelle, pinapalaya na kita. I don't want you to went through with all of this hell with me anymore longer."

"I love you so much, Dannelle, but you deserve someone better than me."

"I don't know what is going on with me and it scares me that I might get even worst as days passed by. I almost killed you twist and I don't want that to ever happen anymore, not ever again."

"Natatakot ako na baka sa susunod ay magawa ko na nang tuluyan ang bagay na 'yon sa 'yo at hinding hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kapag nangyari 'yon."

"I don't wanna lose you forever so I think, letting you go would be much lighter and better." 

I can't afford to lose her but it will be unfair for her if I would choose to be myself and let her suffer from a miserable life with me.

"At least, If you're just away, I would still be able to see you even if it's from afar, and that is enough with me already if that would give you freedom and happiness. I am now setting you free from all of this hell-kind of life with me."

My chest got even heavier, telling all of those to her, it felt like something sharp was pressing against my heart.

"You are now free, Dannelle. Sana lagi mong tatandaan na mahal kita at ginagawa ko lang ito dahil ito ang alam kong makabubuti sa 'yo. Huwag mo sanang isipin na pinagtutulakan kita dahil ginagawa ko lang ito para hindi ka na mahirapan pa."

"Idemanda mo ako. Ipakulong mo ako, Dannelle. Masgugustuhin ko pang mabulok na lang sa kulungan. I deserve it anyway."

"T-Travis," she uttered in between her sobs.

She runs and dropped her light-weighted body to me, and then she puts her arms around my neck. "Oh, Travis, I miss you! You're finally back! I miss you!" she said as it cracks with sorrow. She hugged me even tighter.

"No! Hindi kita iiwan. Pinapatawad na kita, Travis. Handa akong kalimutan ang lahat. Mahal na mahal kita! Kahit itaboy mo ako, hindi ako aalis! Hindi ko kaya kapag wala ka."

"How could you just forgive me that easy? I've caused you too much pain. I-I," I struggled to utter the word. I am so ashamed.

"I-I raped you," I tried brave enough to utter those words in shame. I loath myself. I am nothing but a piece of a disgusting, rapist. I am such a loser.

"How could you just forgive me that easily when I couldn't even forgive myself?" I said faintly.

"Enough, Travis. Please, don't give up on us. Tapos na, nangyari na. Let us just fight together. Tao ka lang at nagkakamali and you deserve a second chance. Kilala kita higit pa sa inaakala mo sa sarili mo." She cupped her both palms on my face. 

"Mas nasasaktan ako 'pag nakikita kang ganya." Her swollen eyes start to released new tears, that were filled with passion.

"How could you trust me if even I was doubting myself?" I said.

"Kaya kitang tangapin ng paulit-ulit kahit ano ka pa. At kahit pa buhay ko ang kapalit handa kong isugal 'yon."

"No! No, Dannelle! I won't let that happen. Please, leave me now, you're free—" 

I was stunned the moment she suddenly kisses me. Her sweet lips move against my mouth. It was so smooth like a fruit gum and it was so addicting. 

I tried to restrain myself but she's irresistible. I failed to convince her to leave me and my mind was now betraying me until eventually, I chose myself over her welfare. If something worst would ever gonna happen to her in the future, I will never forgive myself.