Letters For High School Misfits

CHAPTER 4

Chapter 4

August 13, 2018

For my future self,

It’s been a week since I form a mantra every time I would go to The Academy. “I am straight. I need to be straight.” I recite this every time I wake up in the morning and the second I set my foot to The Academy.

If I’m not thinking about Agatha or about s*x or about academics, I am thinking about the mantra, secretly reciting this in my head, hoping that my entire body would cooperate.

A week has passed and I still don’t know how will I make friends with my classmates. It’s kind of requirement in this kind of setting. After all, I don’t want to be alone. Even though they are all intimidating, I need to fit in. But everybody seems like they already have a circle of friends. How can I be one of them if they already formed a solid connection with each other?

I tried. On lunch break, I decided to walk besides a group of boys in my class. I was hoping they would notice me and invite me to sit beside them at the cafeteria.

“Man, the latest edition of Lamborghini is so lit af. I immediately called my dad when I saw their ad on the internet,” said someone whose name is Edric.

“Oh, you mean this,” responded Josh. And he showed a picture of a red sports car in from his phone. “I already got mine. It will be delivered here in a few weeks.”

“Woah! That was fast man! I envy you,” said Edric. He was shocked, and everybody in the group tapped Josh’s back as if he achieved something so important.

I was thinking of an appropriate compliment for his new car, but I can’t find one. It seems like I have forgotten all the adjectives I have learned. Even though I was one of those who looked at Josh’s phone when he showed his car, they still didn’t notice my presence.

Or maybe they did. They just don’t want to talk to me because they already know that I don’t have something to contribute in their luxurious conversation.

We arrived at the cafeteria and they are still not paying attention to me. I try to smile whenever their gaze would be at my position, but they won’t respond. I know that they can see me. I can feel their eyes would meet mine but they will look away after a millisecond.

They ordered their food, and I waited for them because I already have mine in my bag. My mother always prepares my food for me.

When they were all sitting in the table, I quickly count the number of chairs and I know I won’t have one. I know that if I grabbed the seat, one of them will not be able to sit. So, I turned away.

I guess I’ll eat again inside the comfort room. Besides, I did not get any invitation from them, so it’d be weird to sit beside them. The last thing I want is for them to be weirded out because of my presence.

It’s not bad to eat here, though. I used to do this in my previous high school. The comfort rooms here in The Academy are so much better. They have top-notch facilities. I could sleep here.

I ate my lunch. I was careful not to make any noise with my spoon and fork because I don’t want anyone to hear that I’m here. I just hope that my viand will not make any weird smell. Oh, I forgot to mention that they have working exhaust fans here. No need to worry about the smell.

After I eat, I do my usual routine, which is to masturbate. I don’t know. I am very addicted to m**********g even before. I used to j******f in my free time in my previous high school or whenever my classmates would bully me. I do it in our comfort rooms. Sometimes, in the library because no one goes to our haunted library. No one would know ‘cause I’m good at hiding. I like to think I have mastered the art of it.

I just love the sensation it does to my body. Of course, I felt guilty at first, but it’s something I always look forward to. My day is never completed if I didn’t do it. I’m lucky that in our house, my family never caught me. We all sleep in one room and I would sneak outside our house or in our dilapidated bathroom to do it.

I thought at first that it’s something only juveniles do. I am not a juvenile. I am an honor student, but still I do this. So, I already have a redeeming quality if I got caught that I am addicted to this.

I thought of Agatha when I did it. I can clearly picture her beautiful being when I close my eyes. I can see her at the front row of our class. I can see her long hair gracefully move whenever she does something. Her face. Her soft features. But I realized I have little time left. I only have 10 minutes until my first afternoon class. So I need to go finish this.

It’s weird that whenever I forced to imagine Agatha, my m**********n period would be longer, that my d**k would start to hurt. So, I think of other sexy things and ideas.

I remember Josh and Edric earlier when I was walking with them. I imagined what if Josh and Edric were kissing each other, touching each other? And in a minute, I can feel like I am about to explode. And yes, I came.

I cleaned myself immediately. Thanks to the free tissues and sanitizers installed in every cubicle. They seem to never run out of it.

I don’t remember when my addiction to m**********g started. Though, I can remember one time when I was 10 I went to a computer shop near our house. I saw someone watching p**n, and he was jerking his p***s in front of the computer. There were only like three people in the shop and he was at the last cubicle. I saw him, but he didn’t see me. He was an older man, maybe 30s or 40s. I felt my d**k grew hard, and I ran back to our house.

My heart was beating fast and I don’t know what shall I do with my erected p***s. After a few weeks, whenever I’d feel my d**k hard, I would try to imitate what that older man was doing with his genitals. And it felt good until I felt like I was about to explode and I let it happen. But I felt extremely disgusted with myself and guilty for what I did. The white liquid smells awful. Where did it come from?

I didn’t tell anyone about this, and I never did it again after a few months. But curiosity got me again, so I did it one more time. Until I was doing it two or three times a day. One after I woke up, after lunch and before sleep. It’s part of my routine and I did my research about it. I have found out that it’s normal. But I don’t know if my frequency of doing it is normal. That, I’m not sure.

I felt like it was a familiar feeling I used to feel when I was a kid. I don’t know. My memories are hazy.

That afternoon, there was a long bell. I knew it. I memorized our student handbook because I was too excited to come here at The Academy. Of course, it’s my chance to reinvent myself so I made sure I knew the rules here in The Academy. That long bell meant that all students must go to the Square for an important announcement.

And there, I saw Agatha once again. She was, of course, always beautiful. And her voice, though, I always hear it, I appreciate it more when I heard her speak with a microphone. Her voice being amplified in the whole Square is my ultimate kind of music.

I stared at her and followed her every movement on the stage. I did not let my gaze be disturbed. She has my full attention. She was saying something about the coming acquaintance party, its theme and other details. I already memorized it after seeing the poster on the bulletin board. So, I just focused at Agatha. I like it how she stares at us while she was speaking. She has that commanding aura. She’s really perfect for the position.

I can feel my d**k slowly getting hard again. s**t, not this time. After Agatha’s announcement, the students came back to their own businesses. I scanned the crowd, the crowd that doesn’t see me.

I saw a guy. I don’t know if he was looking straight at me. I believe he’s in my class. He was the oldest one because he stopped studying 2 years ago and then came back. He was handsome, though. What’s his name again? Gab? Gavreel?

But I immediately erased that thought because I had to think of a way to ask Agatha if she can be my date to the party. I still don’t know what will I wear to the party, but I know that I have to have a date. It’s also part of fulfilling my mantra. “I am straight. I need to be straight.”

So, I followed Agatha. She was walking towards the office of the student government.

“A-agatha?” I said. She turned to me. She was ever beautiful. Suddenly, we were the only people at The Academy.

“Yes?” She smiled at me. “You’re Bryan, right? We’re classmates. You’re the scholar.”

I almost died when she said that. At least she remembers me! She knows me!

“Uhm, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“C-can you be my d-date at the party?” f**k. I stuttered.

In my peripheral vision, there was some sort of a commotion. Some guy was asking a girl to be his date. It was all unexpected. There were balloons and all that surprise just to get the girl’s yes. The surrounding students were all cheering for the two.

I saw Agatha looked at their position. I felt humiliated. I think she deserves that kind of ‘proposal’ but I know I can’t afford that. She looked back at me with an awkward smile.

“I’m sorry, Bryan,” she said. But I can sense the sympathy in her eyes. It almost like she wants to say something to me but she can’t. I wonder what was it. “I already have a date.”

After she said that, she was called by a girl, probably a fellow student officer. She whispered goodbye to me and I was left there, crushed.

I don’t know what to feel though. I can see some students were watching me. But I don’t mind. At least they knew that I tried asking Agatha, that I’m no queer, that I’m participating in their straight activities.

At least, the cameras around the school will see that. Yes, I forgot to say that The Academy is fully equipped by security cameras or CCTVs. I have read that in the handbook. It was all used to monitor the students for their own safety.

I wonder if they also have that in comfort rooms.

The handbook said that there was a specific monitoring room located somewhere in The Academy and a few staff of the school and authorities are manning the process 24/7. There was rumor that the authorities also used that to determine potential queers in The Academy. But were they caught? Or maybe it seems like the process is all in secret.

At least, if they see what I did with Agatha, they won’t suspect me as queer. I hope they also see my attempt to be with my boy classmates.

Once again, I recited my mantra, “I am straight. I need to be straight.”

Always trying to be real,

Bry