It's weird....the way my heart beats when I'm alone with her. She's my bestfriend, of course I love her. Am I confusing the two kinds of love? I miss her when she's gone...and when her boyfriend walks her to class I wanna kick his ass. I have a girlfriend, I shouldn't feel this way. She's who I turn too when I need advice or something is wrong. When everything hurts and I wanna die....she's there to carry me through the night. No....I must be confused! You can love your friends and have a strong connection and there be nothing more then friendship. I have another friend I consider a best, and I don't feel this way about her. This is different....How do I even....How am I supposed to go about my day now? Math and English are gonna be hell now, how do I conversate with her and sit next to her....How did I accidentally fall in love with my straight bestfriend. That's just something you don't do, you're bound to get heart broken everytime.

Just about every one has written a book about this guy, I apologize for writing another. This ones gonna be a little different though, I swear! It'll have some facts and an outline of most the situations. Mostly though, its gonna have alot of my opinions and concerns that I've had over the years...and I'm pretty sure most of the world has had the same thoughts if not worse. This case is something else, every time it crosses my mind I shake my head. I wish there was a way every one could know the real truth or what happened. I'm aware that there was at least 3 different times that the discussion of this case has been altered and told it was the full truth. But every time Chris Watts told the story it evolved to something else. Or he twisted facts and lies. Unfortunately only the people involved that were in the house that night are the only ones who know the truth of what really happened. May they rest in peace. First he said they left, then he said she did it and he avenged his kids, after that he said he did it all by himself and he had decided the day before that he was gonna annihilate his family and start a new life. Did he really do it by himself? Who gave him the oxi? And why wouldn't he reveal the source of the medication? Was his mistress in the house when he did it, did she help? Would he have done it, had he never met his new love interest? He said he wouldn't have....Would things have been different if he had just went to with her and the girls to visit family? Did the mass amounts of thrive he was taking cause a chemical imbalance he just couldn't handle? These are only some of the topics that have been weighing on my mind. Shall we get started....

There's good days, and there's bad days. Sometimes you just need something to help you escape. The world spins and you just want anything to make it go slow. Depending on the day sometimes you need something stronger than caffeine, something stronger than alcohol. With it, I'm in my fucking mind, without it I'm out it. The days goes by in a blur, but at least your surviving. I know what I'm doing, most of the time it doesnt look like it but I do. I'm stronger and smarter than I look. I hate when people judge. Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you're not a person that has feelings and knows how and what they need to survive. Just because I'm an addict doesn't mean I'm not aware. It doesn't mean that I'm a junky. If there's four people in a room and one's an Addict, one's a Functioning Addict, one's California sober, the other a Junky they're all different. The functioning addict does what they need to do to get through their day. The junky steals and sells what ever they can to get the next fix. The Addict is addicted to the feeling they get when they're high, they crave comfort and that high is the hug, the kiss that they need; yeah okay maybe they the addict and controlled addict are pretty similar. Anyway, the person who says they're California sober they might've died once, they might have hurt someone they love trying to get their fix and now they just do the minimum amount to make it through their day. A controlled addict is similar to Cali sober too, I guess. There are alot of differences but there are alot of similarities. For one, no matter the title you give yourself, guess what? You are an addict...shit I'm high right now...that's my difference from all the labels user's use. I can admit it, most can't. That's why I call myself a functioning Addict...you're about to read some very personal stuff...stuff I try to keep to myself but these words are my diary screaming out loud. If I get it all down it's no longer threatening the life it belongs too. Maybe I'll start to feel sane again, because they're not embedded on my brain. They're etched into paper. Or in this case a digital piece of paper, for everyone to read aloud or silently....