Tattoo my scars

I had enough , after twenty years I decided that I was going to end it . I went to my phone calendar and set the date , now I have thirty five days to my birthday and thirty five days to either end it or keep living . I had put it on a reminder and continued with my daily activity. I'm Jennifer , I'm twenty and since I was twelve I have been nothing but a burden to my family. Don't get me wrong they love me , they try everything in their power to give me the best . I was the second daughter in a family of three . There was a time when life was cool, life felt so free , I remember growing up to get everything I wanted , I just had to say it and I'll have it . My parents had put us in schools very expensive, my dad believed that we didn't just go to school to learn , he believed in connection so he made sure to put us in the right circles. They were very much respected and my sisters and I made sure to make them prouder by being brainiacs . we always made it at the top of our classes and yes my parents bragged about us to everyone. After my primary education I was sent to a boarding school. Not the regular ones , this school only takes a hundred students every session and even after that up to forty will be filtered out by the series of examinations and interviews so basically out of hundred students like thirty students make it in and it was very costly. my dad had spent millions like other parents and bragged that I'd make it in. So I studied and I spent nights awake , pushing my limits . My dad was never the type to physically pressure his kids but his constant bragging and pride towards us made us way more pressured than people knew . After the examinations and multiple Interviews I came out first , while other parents rejoiced and praised their kids my dad just rubbed my head and my mom smiled at me . it was a regular thing for them and they weren't one bit surprised. when people praised me calling my parents lucky for having me they shrugged it off with words like "of course she's my daughter , oh she doesn't do less than first place " . They were being envied and I could see that they loved it. School started and it was very competitive, I stayed in first place with one or two donuts above the second person every time, so yeah I didn't even try to relax like I always do. While teachers praised my academics and my parents'contribution to the school I got more hate from my peers . They'd say I always feel like I'm better than everyone. That was a lie I just followed the schedule and barely had fun which was never my wish. They didn't know how much I envied how they distract themselves in class when the teacher is teaching, I envied how they can sleep during night preps , I envied how they get to stay in non academic clubs while I have to be in clubs like the school press , debate club, spelling bee and chess. I had once joined a music club and my dad was so against it saying it won't help my life , but I secretly attended , hoping that one day he'd see my passion and decide that he would give me a chance . That never happened; music hasn't helped me either like he said. It all started on a particular visiting day in my JSS2 , my parents had come late , they never came late before . when they arrived they weren't carrying as much goods like they always did. when I asked they told me they were rushing and couldn't get enough and promised to make it up next time. When I looked at my sisters they weren't looking so good . They smiled but it didn't reach their eyes. I've always been the sensitive one and I knew they weren't telling me something. They knew I could sense it but they also knew I'd get hurt if they told me so I guess that's why they kept it to themselves. We had a normal family chat and everyone seemed happy , we even played songs and danced , they didn't leave until seven at night. I carried what I was given and went back to the hostel. While other kids were talking about their day I stayed alone reading a novel from our literature class. I had made it my life goal to keep making my parents proud even if it meant isolation and not having a life of my own so it was no surprise that no one came close to me . There were no colorful disruptions to break the monotony of the days that followed that visiting day. While the rest of the boarding house found ways to whisper, giggle, or sneak around after lights-out, my world shrank to the precise margins of my textbooks and the rigid chimes of the school bell. Morning prep began before the sun even cleared the hostel roof. I would slip out of bed into the biting morning air, shivering slightly as I hurried to the study hall. There, under the harsh glare of fluorescent tubes, I spent hours memorizing chemical equations, historical dates, and literary analyses. Recess wasn’t a time for games on the field; it was a solitary walk down the concrete corridors while reviewing flashcards in my head. Even when the afternoon sun dipped low and the other students gathered in clusters under the mango trees to trade gossip or share smuggled snacks, I sat at my designated desk. I forced myself through endless problem sets, terrified that a single dropped grade would c***k the immaculate facade my family had built. My life was governed by a strict, suffocating routine: wake, study, recite, eat, study, sleep. The weekends offered no real escape either. While others received a steady stream of visitors or packed their bags for mid-term breaks, I remained behind, filling my hours with debate notes and essay drafts for the school press. Joy felt like a distant, foreign language I had once known but completely forgotten. Whenever a brief spark of exhaustion tempted me to close my eyes and rest, the memory of my father’s proud, expectant smile—and the silent, crushing weight of his heavy financial sacrifices—would jerk me upright. I couldn’t afford to be tired. I couldn’t afford to fail. The weeks bled into one another, cold, gray, and relentlessly identical, until the term finally ground to a halt. When the long-awaited Christmas break arrived and the iron gates of the school finally swung open, the other students screamed in absolute euphoria, rushing toward the parking lot to throw themselves into the arms of waiting relatives. I packed my metal trunk slowly, dragging my feet toward the exit, wondering what kind of home was waiting for me after months of guarded smiles and unspoken secrets. Another weird thing happened, we didn't travel. We always travelled every Christmas but no we didn't and my family began having meetings without me. They'd whisper and if I came close they'd stop talking. I still got everything I wanted , my sisters still kept their perfect scores. I just placed my hand on what was wrong . My mom , she got quieter but she looked healthy , my dad looked more stressed , and our stock at home was getting smaller.