Never give up

I know a part of me has always felt different and it wasn't because of how I grew up, I think I've always felt this way because I was always treated differently in every foster home I lived in. I was always the outcast and it made me feel insecure and unloved. I always felt so alone in those homes. I struggled with ptsd as a child and it never really went away because I didn't talk much. Struggling with depression, suicidal tendencies, and cutting since I was 7 years old, didn't really change much either I just learned how to cope better. There was so much going on and so much that was wrong but I couldn't speak a word, because they would never understand. I kept my mouth shut with everyones secrets avoiding all the questions regarding my well being. Lord forbid they ever seen the damage that was done. I never spoke a word to anyone about what I endured in those foster home, or even what happened under my own family's home because even as a child I was alone living with strangers on a daily basis. No parents, just foster parents who passed me around after they no longer had use for me. I had no one to love me during my struggles, and that hurt is what tore me apart, but I still managed to get through it. Good days come and go and I'm always left feeling sad and low. It was hard getting my thoughts under control. I was just so alone and there was no real place to call my home, but I kept smiling in everyone's face, pretending I was happy. You would never know just by looking at me how many dark secrets I actually harboured. I held every hurt and every drop of pain deep inside and only let it out alone in silence. Cutting myself was my only escape and I would watch the blood drip down my flesh, and instantly the pain in my chest would finally rest. The secrets of men would never be told, at least not til I could understand how to fully control my emotions. I never blamed anyone for treating me badly or even cared how cruel people could be to complete strangers. I had grown up watching the world change friends into strangers, and lovers to fighters. The world is a cruel place to get lost in your mind. I was always frightened with fear of losing everything I ever loved and sometimes I was afraid I'd lose my own life; which is mostly why I decided to use this as a platform. We keep quiet everytime people hurt, and we never look passed that fake smile. What still throws me off is how can a we live, knowing someone is out there hurting. How does one learn to survive, and continue to keep quite? I keep wondering if this is what develops these dark thoughts or instills anger into the broken hearts turning them into compulsive liars because they perfected a way to cover the pain or co-dependant because they feel the need to rely on someone during the bleakest moment? Feeling alone in any home is never a good sign. I'm alone in my home where threats became reality. My mind recalls all the tragedy from childhood trauma such as; staring down the barrel of that gun, even feeling the cold bleak blade up against my neck where it pierces the tip of my flesh, being forced to call him names during every sick deed, in moments like this I just wish I was dead. Being alone in your head is hell especially when you're feeling sad because it torments every dark memory lost inside your mind. Although you may never see these signs in the ones you love, it's their silence and what they don't tell you. For awhile I felt like I was drowning in the pit of my decay, I just want to die, but I can't so I cry. It just hurts me so bad that I can't get away. No one in my world cares because I'm just their slave. I have always catered to the world, yet no one came to save me. The pain eats my chest craving my flesh and I can't help but endure this hurt until it doesn't hurt. My home isn't my home because I feel so alone it's like a prison cell where I just get lost and search for windows to let me out. The more my mind races the heavier my heart gets and I need to release this before it gets dangerous. My cuts haven't healed but I open it up once again to feel something other than pain. I'm alone in my home and no one can save me.