Crave You: A Novel

Chapter 5

Kayla

I tried the ignition one last time. The engine sputters, rumbles giving me hope. I think my Honda EV hasn't hit its warranty period. Though, maybe tomorrow, I'll have to take it for servicing. I wasn't expecting the collision to shake us into the divider to nearly take our life. I thought that was the end for us. The end of our crumbling relationship like Sherry left me numb on the wet cobblestone path.

I didn't realize how much pressure I was putting on the key.

I turn my hand and see the color-forming on my fingers. That's how aggressively I was trying?

That's not what I'm supposed to think about it right now. Yet, I can't ignore the memory. It's fresh and scalding like It's making me spark more than this car could try to liven up.

There. The engine spews in sleep. This was the last thing I expected to happen at an hour I'm late. Damnit. Why couldn't I imagine Nathan? Even hitting the steering won't erase my guilty pleasure. Neither can it assure me if it's going to go away from my tingling toes. For now, I give up. I've no time to waste. I have to take the subway. I'm a half-hour away from my meeting.

I can feel the headache starting to form. I didn't get time to power nap. Not after that. I was too immersed. So knee-deep into overthinking any logical sense about the stranger. I had to blink and force myself to go through the presentation. I didn't let myself dissuade when I had to close the deal. This opportunity could make the company worthwhile in the market if Mr.Henderson agrees to sign the contract with us. Make us the supplier for our plant-based dyes and rolls of organic fabric materials. This is something I built on, skin-friendly and toxin-free. With a passion, I didn't know I decided to live in Mississippi. Much less, get married and start my life with Nathan. Sometimes, I never know when I miss myself. My satisfactory life before meeting Nathan.

I was a design student at the Metropolitan Art of Fashion Institute in Boonville. I thought I would be there for two years and then return to Bhubaneswar to start a new fashion business venture with my childhood best friend, Sangeeta.

We had it all planned. I was constantly keeping in touch with her. We were planning, scheduling and had even started a blog page on WordPress.

Instagram was our major deal. We started posting designs and fabric samples. During that short period, we were able to garner fourteen hundred followers. We even planned how we could upload videos on styling with the natural fabric on Youtube. Or just talk about us. The duo. How it started.

"It would be therapeutic - minus the negative comments or those sleazy ones if you can drink and forget. But, it would be worth something right?" Sangeeta smiled on Skype after she put away her notepad somewhere.

"Yep. It would be a nice distraction. It's the internet after all. We may be loved. Or sneered. Or ignored. In the end, I have to remember why I agreed to do this with you."

"And have fun."

"Have fun." I raised my large mug to her.

"I can't wait to finally see it happen, Kayla." She said, popping a Kurkure stick in her mouth.

"I'm scared, to be honest."

"Kayla, if you look at risk as a grim reaper, I'm not seeing you off."

"I also know, you wouldn't resist knowing where I'm going."

"Partly yeah. I mean who's going to save you?"

"I can save myself,"

"Yeah, right. We'll see. Oh wait, can you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Laughing. The grim reaper doesn't agree with you."

"Uh-huh, don't underestimate me, Sangeeta. That scathe-holding skeleton wouldn't know what hit its bones." I said, winking as I took a strong sip.

"Oooh, now that's the Kayla I know."

"In all seriousness, I'm just, excited yet I can't help but think about --"

"Don't."

"But,"

"Shhh, I'm thinking about that spacious eleventh-floor apartment at Infocity road. Don't dare ruin it for me." She said, shutting her eyes as the screen froze her. A snort slipped from me. I wish I could tell her not to visit that street often. Who knew by the time, during the beginning of my last semester, I didn't think I was ready to go out with Nathan when he visited with his colleagues at the campus.

Thinking back, I remember him, he was talking with Mrs.Jackson, vice-chancellor of the institution.

I was passing by them, when she interrupted me, hooked her finger, and gesticulated to her.

I was a bit apprehensive. Because she doesn't like me. It was one time I was in her office when she lectured me how Maria Ravera's fashion show was an important showcase for the institution.

I was nervous. I entered their spring festival 2016 fashion competition through the institute. It was because Sangeeta told me to do it for our possible exposure. I wasn't in favor of the idea because other competitive designers intimidated me. When she said, "Kayla, this is now or never. Crack that walnut open." I did. I went ahead and entered. But I had to get Mrs. Jackson's signature since the competition required one and her referral letter. I wasn't one of the best in my class but I was highly praised for my print and cut. When I got the appointment after requesting her assistant how urgent this was, she was kind to let me in but not too kind to give me a heads up about how Mrs. Jackson expects a lot. Monstrously a lot, "Remember, Kayla. This isn't just a small event. This is important. Do what it takes. Ensure you win this." I gulped. When I didn't win and told her I tried, she replied what I was surprised to hear, "Maybe you should've taken Mr. Guinevere's help. He would've been an excellent mentor." I've no doubt how Mr. Guinevere and I would've got along since the dissertation with him had resulted in us arguing over me disagreeing to work on supporting fast fashion. I was too timid to reply to her back. I even tried to evade her whenever I spotted her around. Then, Nathan happened to be standing, looking confident in his white shirt, crisp and stain-free.

His dark hair was laid back, side-parted, like the typical executive he looked. His smile was warm. Like something I would miss if I leave his side. His lean frame occurred fit. He looked like someone to be admired, a dancer, maybe?

I was observing him as I neared them. I was doing it because Mrs.Jackson only calls those when she has no one to show off. This was scary to me. I wanted to disappear in the air if I knew that sort of magic trick.

"Mr. Lee, this is Kayla Mohanty. Our final year student. She participated in Maria Ravera's fall show in 2016. It was a huge honor to have someone represent the institute." She said fake smiling proudly like a huntress standing above her helpless prey.

I glanced away and looked at Nathan, smiling wide, unfamiliar before I shook his hand when Mrs. Jackson interrupted again, "Mr. Lee works for Ben & Morty company. One of the finest investment corporations in the United States. Please, Ms. Mohanty, take him on a campus tour."

I thought I didn't hear her right, so I asked her, unsure, "But, Mrs.Jackson, isn't Felix in charge of the campus tour? I'm not --"

"Ms. Mohanty, please, do as I say." She cut me curtly but maintained that same purgatory smile.

She gave me an eye that raven wouldn't even know it had a competitor. I shook my head and mentally started preparing where I could start. I nodded and tucked my hair back.

"Great. Mr. Lee, after the tour, please join us for lunch." She cooed, tipped her chin up, powerful in flaunting her magnitude before she turned her back to us and disappeared into the building. It was now Nathan and me, standing under the grey cloudy sky.

"Maria Ravera show?" Nathan asked, facing me with his beautiful eyes, that I remember how the weak breeze made my skin shiver.

"It was a fashion competition. I participated. Got through the semi-final here but didn't win the main event there." I said, trying to keep my speech even.

"That's huge. It's not often you get to be proud."

"That's a big stepping stone for me. But, my VC thinks I should've tried harder."

"What do you think?" He asked me delicately. I felt crimson blushing me. I thought he seemed like a person I don't usually meet who would want to listen.

"I think my scholarship is safe for now," I said briefly. I didn't want to overpour my feelings when he was simply a visitor.

"I like that. You impress me, Ms. Mohanty."

"Just Kayla." I tried hard not to smirk. But my lips were pressed already. I couldn't hide from Nathan. What was he doing to me?

For a minute we stood silent, staring at each other smiling. I haven't smiled like that in a while. With anyone I know. I believed It wouldn't be easy for me. I shook my head before I could think about Sangeeta.

"Alright, campus tour. I should tell you I'm not a proper guide but I think you might like to --"

"It's okay, just take a walk with me," Nathan said, offering me his arm. My eyes widened. I thought I misheard him. I shook my head and asked him goofily, "Excuse me?"

"A walk will suffice the campus tour. You don't have to show me the building." He arched his sexy eyebrows and gave a smug grin that had me melt in a puddle.

I hesitated at first. Then, I took his arm and slid my trembling hand in his. I felt something at the moment I couldn't describe. I only knew this was going to be one time. After all, he was visiting for the day. Nothing much was going to happen.

"If you don't mind, can I ask you something?" I asked, oddly because I was starting to feel comfortable with him.

"Sure."

"Why aren't we on-campus tour right now?" I looked at him, at the same time, he looked at me, smiling warmly like the sensation you get when you feel you're seen.

"Because before meeting Mrs. Jackson, I already took a tour here. My ex used to study here. I visited this place in 2011. I have known my way in, way out. It's past but the campus is pretty much the same."

"Oh, if you know your way here, then…" I stopped myself before saying something to him he already knows. I don't want to make things bland between us. Especially me. I'm not the best at leaving a good impression, "We can head to the souvenir shop. It's new. You can check out some of our designs. Whatever we make, we select and put it for sale. Every student on campus gets to show their work. You might love looking at some of the best creations there." I said, proud of my quick thinking.

"I'm sure you would take me there and I would love to check out but tell me one thing, Kayla,"

"Yes?"

"Do we have to be so formal? I mean talk about the institute only?"

"Aren't you here for that?"

"I'm but I don't want to bring business between us. I don't want you to get bored with me. Would you hate it if I wanted to, you know, just hang out with you?"

"What? No, not at all, Mr.Lee."

"Call me Nathan. Just Nathan." He said assuringly, squeezing my hand.

"Okay, alright Nathan. I'll try not to be professional."

"Good. I just want you to be who you are. Let me know who you're." His emerald eyes shone in mine as he said, smiling and searching my interest too.

I was smitten but controlled my speeding heart as I softly grabbed his arm.

"Why do you think I would do that?" I asked, drinking his playful grin. Then, slowly he leaned toward me and said to me softly, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

I stared into his eyes and chuckled. I shook my head. He is interested in taking a tour somewhere else but first, I want to know, "Why me?"

We were walking on the open ground. The breeze picked up gently but stayed to cool my warm skin. He didn't reply immediately. He let himself loose from my touch. And then turned to face me. Looking intensely into my eyes, smiling and scratching his head, I remember him saying, "Let's say, I'm interested. Is it sleazy?"

I stared at him, grinning. This was a situation I never knew what to do. It was new. Something I don't know when a guy wants to talk to me. Since after fooling around with my crush and the day he rejected me when I proposed to him before graduating college, I dared not get myself involved in something I didn't want to find myself in.

Instead, I plunged my pleasure into the virtual world like Eden garden for me, where I felt desired.

I told myself, I was happy with the way things were. That I would focus on my priority and get the degree I want to. But then, Nathan, standing before me, put me on the spot, where I wanted to go but I didn't know if I could.

I clutched the strap of my sling bag. I held on to it, looking away and then back at him. I was unsure what to say. Until when he offered his hand, "Let's start over?" He asked hopefully.

I nod my head while pressing my lips and concealing my smile.

"I'm Nathan. Would you like to have coffee with me at the cafe?" He asked, chin up. Smirking confidently with the charm he was working on me.

I couldn't contain my smile. I grinned and decided, if I get hurt someday, it would be worth something. Because Nathan would mean something to me.

"I'm Kayla. I think I would love to." I said taking his hand. That was the start of something. Of us. When we didn't know what we would be.

That day changed for me after Nathan kissed me gently on my warm cheek before he left the campus.

He continued visiting the campus and me, until my final exams. Partly because of the funding the institute wanted from his company. Partly, because he found every reason to stay till my classes were over. I thought I couldn't be more in love with him. Because he's the kind of man I wanted to spend my whole life with.

Now, I'm standing in the moving tube, wishing I could rewind and tell Nathan, we are going to fall apart. Maybe, we shouldn't take the coffee. And maybe, he shouldn't stop by my classes. Maybe, Mrs.Jackson should've ignored me.

I startle from my covet when the automated speaker announces the destination. I hop off as soon as the door separates. I've to reach quickly. I've got five minutes in hand. The seconds shouldn't stop me. I need to remember if I don't maintain my cool, I may inadvertently crave more cocoa and sugar.

That's it. It's a relief crossing one-hundred-three, third avenue. And pass by the newly renovated Henry's bar and cafe. Just a few more.

I'm glad to see the tower. It's good I'm getting my focus back as I rush inside the Stonefall building.

Two minutes. That's not good. Not for me. I hope the elevator doesn't stop on any floor other than the thirteenth. I catch my breath as soon as I get in. I ping the floor number. My prayer goes unheard as I go down. This isn't good. I'm drastically late.

I know this doesn't look good. The impression I want to make in front of Mr. Henderson cannot be dwindling. I need to have faith. A miracle. I don't know. But I want things to stay under control until I get there.

I reached the parking area. Two men mill in, arguing over something. I couldn't bother myself listening to them like in usual days I listen to what others talk about. Okay, Kayla. Not now. This isn't the time to panic. My palms feel sweaty. My head reels in worry. I need something to gather myself.

I lean against the cool metal bar behind me. My back feels awful. I've to distract myself to stay upright. Alright, think about something. Nathan. No, I can't. This gets back to our last night. Still, I close my eyes, I see blue eyes flash before me. His manes sway, glowing brightly as if his piercing gaze waits for my move. He licks his soft lips before smiling smugly. He opens his mouth and says, "Excuse me?"

I open my eyes when I feel someone shake me by my shoulder.

"Are you alright, mam?" One of the men squints their eyes in concern. I avert and look I've reached my floor. I managed to detract myself - the way I didn't want to when I know I would certainly start to forget his name. But I'm late for the meeting. I can't force myself to forget him.

I hope Kelly is keeping him busy. I looked at the two men and smiled, awkwardly, half-heartedly, letting them know, I'm fine but not at all comfortable around such a question. I jump and click-clack noisily on the shiny marble floor. I pull the glass door open and see my receptionist, Carla, hand a paper to a scrawny-looking young gentleman. The type you see when you assume he might be into analytics.

She looks up and greets me, hastened, standing up immediately, "Good morning, Mrs. Lee. Kelly has been asking about you."

"Has Mr. Henderson arrived?"

"Yes," Carla replied nervously.

"Okay, thank you, Carla, let Kelly know I'm here."

"Right away." Carla picked up the receiver and that was the last glimpse I fixed in my mind when ahead of me, people cleared out, greeting me, professionally.

I try to smile, genuinely as I pass by them.

Once I head inside my cabin, I see Kelly chewing a huge bite of a chocolate chip muffin.

"Aren't those supposed to be for Mr. Henderson?"

"And his assistant, hot Gloria."

"Uh, okay, I didn't know that but thank you for letting me know. Don't touch the rest and keep one for me."

"You're freaking late! Where were you?! I tried calling you so many times!"

"Three missed calls, only." I show her my screen. She rolls her eyes and chomps down another chunk, "Three is still so many. You told me you'd be here by noon. It's two. No. It's two- five." They put their other hand on their waist and raised their eyebrows for an answer.

I smooth my frizzy hair and unpack my laptop. I don't think they would like to know what I was doing.

"I, um, slept late. I couldn't hear the alarm. Then, my car didn't start. I took the subway and ran down here as fast as I could. Sorry, Kelly. I should've informed you." I said hurrying up and looking for the cable cord. Also, I've to ask, "How much time have we lost?"

"Twenty-plus ten." She said dusting her palms.

"s**t. This isn't good. Okay, how's Mr. Henderson?"

"He was impatient. So, I lap dance for him. For free."

"Kelly."

"Translation. I kept him busy with our latest prints and gave him a virtual tour of our workshop site."

"His reaction?"

"He scratched his grey beard. Looked bored. Then, we chat about our personal life, and viola, he likes the Scooby Express!"

"The Scooby Express?"

"A bar, downtown in Meridian. Nothing extravagant. I lied I love hanging out there."

"And?"

"He's still in there with that special bourbon I hate sharing with. I had to hold him down somehow so I could get in your cabin and chomp this succulent baby here."

"At least he's still in there. Thank you, Kelly. You're a savior."

"I know. You owe me a free dinner."

"Done."

"And the coffee. I don't see it in your hand."

"Right after the meeting."

"Alright. It's a date." Kelly chirped as she handed me a tempting bitter aromatic muffin. I took the piece and guffawed a large bite. I was searching for this heavenly delight I couldn't explain how much I was craving for.

"Okay, I've wasted enough time," I said before washing the sweet taste with Himalayan water, "Brief me."

Kelly fills me in. They point out the important congruent details as I fish my mind, making myself prepared how I would approach Mr. Henderson's side.

Once Kelly closes the notes, they look at me if I need to go over again. I rise from my seat, take the laptop and hope I get to enjoy the rest of the cake later.

Kelly opens the door for me. They place their hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. I look at her and nod.

I clack my heels in the narrow cold-lit hallway. It didn't take me much time to reach the conference room.

This is it. I don't have time to fidget. I can do that once I sit opposite him.

I push the door and immediately I'm greeted with — a discerning smile.

"Glad you could make it on time Mrs. Lee." Mr. Henderson said in a vociferous tone. He looked like a mafia boss in a black pinstripe suit, chic with a whiskey, unfinished. He gave me all the reasons to feel I should be concerned and hell worried. What Mr. Henderson doesn't know is, I don't show it on my face. I bury them in my pockets.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Henderson. I believe my assistant Kelly has looked after you well?"

"They are a charmer. If not for them, I might have had to reschedule our meeting, Mrs. Lee."

"I do not doubt that. You should know Mr. Henderson, Kelly holds this fort strong like a Queen's loyal commander." I said, proudly beaming at them.

"I quite agree. Now, let's talk about the deal. I've fifteen minutes to spare. This is my assistant, Gloria Buchanan by the way."

Gloria looked sharp and inscrutable. Her rich brown fudge lips didn't move. As I nod, smiling at her, she moves her head barely as she bored her kohl eyes in me. Her thin arms stayed still on the armrest, waiting patiently to type away. According to Kelly, she might be hot but to me, she reminded me of the calculating gaze of an Egyptian cat.

"Alright, then, enough time has gone by but let me tell you this Mr. Henderson, you wouldn't want to taste the pizza without knowing what toppings you're having. Let me tell you why I believe Kaysee Fabrics will be worth your investment."

Sangeeta's face flashes in front of me as I explain the milestone of the company. Everything she believed in, every little part of nature we believed in, she was imprinted in the line. The only thing was - she was missing. She wasn't here to embrace her mission. She was taken away abruptly that I haven't forgotten yet.

I stop for a second and then proceed to explain the benefit of supplying the natural-based fabric. I show him the numbers he was interested in looking at. We were selling at a steady rate. Kelly looks at the graph proudly as she assesses the Mafia boss's face. I do too. I don't see any utterance on his face. His knotted fingers stay on the side of his prime face. It appeared, as if he was thinking of making up his mind, I couldn't tell. I only want to show the strength that this startup company is enduring and striving for, which Nathan believes I'm being superficial. My husband can't see why this company means so much to me.

I try and push away Nathan's pessimism about Kaysee. I focus on my client and notice something.

I'm not able to read Mr. Henderson's face but I know something isn't right.

I stop as the last slide twirls with 'any questions?' Mr. Henderson doesn't speak for minutes. He whispers intently in his assistant's ears. Then, he looks blankly at his gemstones. And then, his critical look lands at me, "Mrs. Lee. Your company is doing a notable deed for the environment. I'm quite impressed with your portfolio and the styles are massively trendsetters." I wait for him to further rationalize what was making him hesitate until he looks up and speaks again, "But the numbers are concerning. There's a breakeven point. While I'm not complaining, I'm just someone who sees more profit turning in."

"What's your point, Mr. Henderson?"

"My point is, the risk is questionable. Dealing with your fabric will be like trying a new uncanny flavor."

I put down the remote and shuffled in my seat beside Kelly. I refocus my energy and speak, "Mr. Henderson, it's new in the market. With help of your impressive social ranking across five social media sites, Imagine the new wave you and I will be making. For the climate. For the planet. It'll be like any other cloth but more natural, carbon-free, toxin-free. This aim and purpose will serve you better in the textile industry. Yes, lots of money can be made. It's slow but growing. You can't deny that. Even seventy-two percent in the United States, sixty-three percent in the United Kingdom, and seventy percent in India want to invest in! A better wearable material that's more environmentally friendly."

"Five crores in revenue roughly in quarterly reports are still...something to contemplate on."

I feel my throat dry, as I gulp the fact and lean forward, folding my hands tightly, "Mr. Henderson, you and I both know, you want the prints, you want the material. I promise you, you won't regret your deal with us." I emphasize each word as I express my hope. I push myself back and see I'm not wearing my heels.

Mr. Henderson slowly rose from his seat and said, "We'll be in touch, Mrs. Lee. I'll let you know my decision." He and his assistant depart the room silently before Kelly squeezes my shoulder and leaves to see them off.

I don't know what to feel. I thought this would play out differently. That somewhere in my mind, this will work out. Something I wanted to happen, is something I haven't lost yet. Like Nathan plucking the shimmering rice string lights above us. Like me, pushing him inside the car. Like us, shouting and screaming inside. And then, as I looked away, that divider called me.

I thought I still had myself. Being me. The same Kayla. The way Mr. Henderson looked unconvinced, I guess I wasn't.

I don't know for how long I was feeling uncomfortable in the leather chair. I make myself get up, slowly and make my way to the window view in my bare feet. I see the twilight streaking the city in orange syrup. I close my eyes. I rest my pounding forehead against the cool glass. I was grateful for the only support that held my weight. But again, I see him. "Scott." Why is he still in my mind?

I open my weary lids and see my reflection staring miserably at me. I cover my reflection with my palm. Without hesitating, I bang it flat. I don't know if this was me changing. Or I know it's still me — who isn't going home tonight.