Crave You: A Novel

Chapter 6

Scott

I stay inside my car a little more. If I play with the air flaps a bit longer, I don't think the day would pass by soon. That's why I've to do this.

I muster up and turn and see the same plain building. That same entrance where I once stood outside when I contemplated meeting Eva.

At another location, I don't remember where it was, Catherine was the one who stood outside a small rehabilitation center in her wrinkled yellow raincoat. She turned to my passenger side and asked me if I would like to go with her inside.

The July rain, in the blistering noon, I watched the drops quickly scrubbing the screen in front of me that with every wash, it blurred my curiosity to meet Eva. I wanted some answers but I wasn't ready to face her then.

I remember picking up lint from my sweater while I sat quietly. I know Catherine was patiently waiting for my answer. I can still feel that day. That warm worried gaze she gave me when I wasn't looking at her. I'm sure she understood my silence was enough after I hugged the purple bear tightly against my chest. And stayed there in the truck. Glued to my seat anxiously.

Catherine held her that battered transparent umbrella tightly. Beneath the drops plunking pit-a-pat, her tired eyes dropped sadly. She nodded before sprinting carefully toward the facility. I recall I timidly turned then at that moment. I watched her disappear inside.

Catherine believes behind hopelessness, there's always a reason to hold on to when a tiny hope floats on the surface. You touch it. Care for it. And don't let it go until it's time. She was a person of empathy. I'm a person who wants to see hope in Eva's empty eyes after those three years.

If not for Catherine, I wouldn't have bothered coming down here.

At the dinner table before her retirement, I remember her saying, "All in all, Scott. She's my best friend. I'm willing to give her a second chance,"

"Catherine, you shouldn't. You deserve better."

"I did deserve better when I met you. After my little Josh died, I thought I would never have a child in this home. That's when one day, I found hope in you." She smiled as she kept her spoon down and placed her hand on my shoulder, "This old lady wishes you to visit her."

I did ponder on it. But over time, I flung the thought of meeting Eva out of the window, when Catherine meant everything to me.

She had been an incredible mother that I never thought I would ever have a parent again in my life. When she looked oblivious that day as I stood at her porch, she took my hand and made hot chocolate for me. Her smile didn't make me panic. I felt oddly at home. Like I found a new home where I could say, I know this place.

She's been the kind of mother, I can never be thankful enough if I wasn't lucky that day.

That's why I'm here in my hatchback. Because Eva lead me to Catherine. And I can't dishonor Catherine's wish, which I've been avoiding for so long.

I step out in the blazing sun. Before I change my mind, I carefully make my way through the entrance. I hope I leave early as soon as I'm done. Though, every part of me is screaming to turn back. This is the old me talking. The new me is responsible for mending fences. That's what I keep telling myself. If I'm being honest, I don't believe my introspection.

After clearance, I'm asked to wait in Hamid Malik's office. No sooner I settled myself in the chair, the manager scoots his way inside the room. Tall, broad, and bright with bushy beard in the red-white uniform of Chance center's logo. He greets me with a formal smile, hastily before fumbling for papers on his desk in front of me.

As he took his seat, I knew what he was going to ask me. I wasn't prepared for him to clear his throat and say, "I thought you changed your number, Mr. Miller."

"Just Scott, please. And no, you have the right number."

"I tried reaching you several times."

"I know. I was, um, not familiar with your cell number."

"We did text you."

"Yes, I know. I got your message. I was busy. It slipped from my mind. But, I'm here now."

"Alright. We want to update you about Eva's progress."

"Okay?"

"Her progress is well...concerning."

"Meaning?"

"She's not handling the sessions well. Short outbursts. Yelling. Resisting pills. And some days ago, we caught her taking drugs."

"What? How?"

"She wouldn't tell us. Strangely, we've had no unknown visitor apart from Catherine's lawyer."

"Yeah, Jerry. We aren't in touch but when needed, he keeps me informed. But, honestly, I don't know what to say about Eva. She can be, let's say, quite capable where least expected."

"We don't doubt that. We thought, apart from Catherine, you might know someone since you're close to Eva."

"No, I don't know anything about her life, people she meets. I'm clueless since the day she left me with Catherine. I haven't been in contact with Eva for a long time."

"That's none of my place to judge. But, I'll say, Catherine Miller, she's still a good soul. She's helping Eva reform after her death, which not many have the heart to do."

"Mr. Malik, Catherine was too good for this world," I said, emphasizing it. While Catherine was loved, dumped, hated, she went with her life as a great mother and a kind nurse, as if it's a new day. That's what sometimes she used to tell me when she dropped me off at school, "Finish your day like it's a new beginning, sweetheart."

I quickly change the topic, "Why exactly am I called here, Mr. Malik?" I controlled my emotions and composed myself stiffly before I decided to walk out.

"The thing is, we think, you should talk to her,"

"Why would I do that? I've nothing to do with her."

"Scott, I understand it's not easy for you. But for this rehabilitation center, it would be a good step to change what can be treated."

"Isn't there any other therapist or counselor to talk to her? Like, get through her?"

"I wish this was possible but no, our experts tried. They think the next therapy might help get through her."

"Which is?"

"Family session. Talk to her. Make her --"

"I'm sorry Mr. Malik, I cannot agree to this." I get up and head for the door. I cannot stay a minute longer to bear the idea of talking to her. I was here only to meet her from afar. This is not what I came here for.

The times she has talked to me is the time when she told me I have to adjust to living with her second husband, Lawrence, and the fake plan at the neighbor's house.

"Scott, please sit down. We aren't done yet."

"I'm done."

"Is this how you're honoring Catherine?" He said sharply. I stopped when I was about to turn the knob. Not this again. Not about Catherine again. Why do I've to be reminded about something I'm not comfortable doing it.

I let my head fall because this isn't going to leave me alone. Also, there's no point in standing here and holding the cold knob in my palm. I run my tired hands through my hair and turn to look at the relentless man, "I think Mr. Malik, coming here was enough."

"What you're meant to do, can, later on, be considered saying, you did enough."

"What do you want?"

"While the money is still flowing for Eva's treatment, we want you to sit with her. Talk to her. Try the least."

"And what if I say, I can't. I'm not good at this?"

"Do it for Catherine, Scott, that's all I'm asking. Or let's just say I'm doing my job, I expect you to cooperate." He said, staring at me hopefully.

I exhale deeply and dig my hands in my back pockets. I didn't notice when I started tapping my right foot.

I shouldn't hesitate. I'm thinking of walking out without further explanation.

I could hear the pulse ringing in my ears. I was boiling inside. I was seething to grab the knob and slam the door behind me. If I do, for how long can I keep avoiding her? Eva has become a noose around my neck that I can't untangle her from me.

I know what needs to be done now. So I reluctantly decided, "Fine, just ten minutes, and I'm out."

"I don't think that's how the session works." Hamid sat straight in his chair, folding his hands calmly.

"Trust me you don't know Eva as I do." I slipped a sarcastic laugh before I grit my teeth and relaxed my breath.

"All I ask is, be enough to make an impact on her." He said carefully while looking at me, holding a red Manila in his hands I didn't notice before.

I shook my head and prepared to reply, which presumably he wouldn't like to hear me say, "We'll see."

Hamid opened a room. It wasn't large. Nor too small. The color was mundane but lacked the atmosphere of settling in. Or it's just my mind, that I wasn't able to ease my tension when repeatedly I was twiddling my index finger.

I saw a few chairs stacked to a corner and some supplies I didn't bother studying.

I took a seat at a shaky table. And looked up at Hamid for the next event.

"I'll go get Eva." He said confidently, nodding his head. I agreed and placed my hands on the clean spick surface.

I remember the last time I saw her before she was admitted to Chance center. When I was twenty-two or maybe twenty-four? I saw her at Target when I was working my shift. I wasn't paying attention when a noise shook me to see the security guard grabbing her by her black hoodie abruptly. I didn't move from my place. I didn't want to get involved or have to do anything with her.

"He's there! Standing there! See?" Eva barked defiantly.

"Hey, Scott?" Kathy called me loudly. I was hoping then, I could run and hide in the dark storage room. It was a situation that I couldn't avert the scene nor could I pack the juice box in the bag.

"Yeah, what's up, Kathy," I pretended to sound indifferent.

"You know this woman?" She asked strongly while holding her down as she tried kicking the guard's hand.

I knew what I had to say, "Yes, I know her. "

"What is she to you?"

"She's my mom's friend," I answered, not looking into Eva's spiteful dark eyes.

"You know, she was trying to shoplift. I caught her but she says you told her it's on you." She said, showing me some Doritos, beef jerky, and toilet rolls. I could only look surprised at Kathy. I resisted looking at someone who, at the moment, proved frivolous next to me.

"Shoplifting? I think this is a misunderstanding but yeah, that's right. I told her I'll pay for her."

"Then why wasn't she headed to the line?"

"I told her to join the queue. Come straight to my section. I think she got confused. She couldn't find me. Right?" How ironic, I thought after I said. I smiled sympathetically, showing what's necessary to avoid.

"Fine. Though I can't say if she's clean."

"I promise she won't repeat."

"Better not." Kathy scathingly glanced at her then pointedly threw a look at me before she went inside the break room.

Once I was sure she was inside, I didn't wait to say it in her face, "Get out."

"This is not your property."

"Yeah, but it's where I work. I could've made you out in seconds."

"Huh, bluffer." I seethed at the comment she spitted. She grinned mockingly at me when I was looking at her agitatedly.

"Go away before I change my mind."

"I don't care about your mind. I'm here for what I need. You can't stop making me see Catherine."

"I did for her good. You're not worth her energy or money."

"You're, right? Hand me the bucks. I'll make myself invisible." She glared at me coldly. She put her dirty hand out. I looked back and saw the woman in my section shift to Phil's counter with her little daughter.

"Fine. Take it. Don't show up here. Ever again."

"Yeah, yeah. As if I want to." She bumped me intentionally. The smell of her reeked of the blessings she never had for me or she desperately tried to have it for herself. Sometimes it befuddled me, why Catherine was trying for her. For what? With what hope she was holding on to when she could've cut her off from our lives? Such was my mother, who refused to see the ugly side.

I didn't move my attention from the secluded view of the ground outside until I heard Hamid clear his throat again and say, "Scott."

I abandon the view. This is it. I remind myself, I can get through this. This wasn't going to be easy. But as a grieving son, I have a responsibility.

I stand up and crossly without smiling, without a flick of emotion, I dig into her hollow droopy eyes.

"Eva, you remember Scott, right?" Eva stared at me in surprise. Her pupils were flitting, from corner to corner. Her thin, wrinkled, dry hands shivered momentarily. Her uniform was clean at least. Her hair sat disheveled and her curls sprang grisly. Her forehead had its intention somewhere else. How predictable can she be? After these years, I figure her out easily just by her, standing scraggy In front of me.

"Eva?" Hamid checked her reaction. A few seconds pass when she finally nodded her head.

"Okay," Hamid drags the empty chair opposite me. Thank God, there's good enough distance between us. After settling her down, I sat down quickly. I show how I've no time for her. I'm not like this at all. But for her, it's how I am.

"I'll leave you two. You both need some bonding to catch up." Hamid left after he said.

I saw him click the door behind him. I know he'll be watching us which I would've found irritating. Right now, I feel oddly safe. I can't trust the woman in front of me who wouldn't utter in withdrawing her seat.

I peeked at her. I straightened myself in my seat and crossed my arms. I lift my brows, indicating to her to go ahead. I can't deny how my heart beat fast. I can't deny how inexplicably I'm still not comfortable around her.

She didn't speak. I didn't too. I stared at her spotty skin instead. At those pale chapped lips that were cracked like a depleted desert. Cold and hollow. The way she is.

I see her weight has dropped. Her skin has sagged. I can see that mole a few inches away from her lips, above the chin, where I curiously touched when she held the three-year-old me in her strong arms and eyed furiously at her dead sister inside the casket.

I've no time to waste. I've to deal and end this quickly, "I heard you're doing well here." I said looking right at her.

She squinted her face like an evil snare. And then spit at her side, the fact she took the compliment nicely.

"I see, you're holding yourself good. Nice." I couldn't suppress my grin. So much hate. So much darkness inside her is amusing to me.

"I know it's not always you see me but they told me you were missing me so much, so I had to come. See you. I wanted to see how you are surviving on Catherine's money." I said before I smugly insinuated my satisfaction.

She stared at me coldly. She didn't budge. Neither moved her shoulders. It was a sight I felt like I was staring at a broken statue. Then, I thought she moved her eyes towards the door. I frowned at her carefully. I was judging what she was trying to do. In a flick, her bloodshot eyes turned to me. It happened the second time. Her nails pressed deeply on the table. It seemed like she would scratch any moment if I didn't get up, walk to the door and tell Hamid through the slit, "Can you leave us alone?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. She seems like she would talk if you're not around."

"Alright. But try to take it easy, Scott. I won't be far. If she does anything, let me know." Hamid said cautiously. It came across as if it's a warning to me.

I saw his shadow leave the hall. As soon as I turned around, I saw Eva put her legs up, cross them confidently on the surface. Her unsteady arms rest back and her expression? The sly smirk of a possessed patient.

"Happy now?" I said, disgusted.

"Your mannerism has fallen, kiddo." She said, slurry and slovenly.

"Learned from the best, aunt Eva," I said as I dragged my seat.

"I can see that." She squinted her face in contempt. I distract myself.

I turned the chair and sat down with my legs spread on both sides. I wasn't interested to talk in circles. I wrapped my hands on the edges and asked, "Why am I here?"

"I didn't call you. How would I know?" She chuckled as she wiped her drool.

"Say it. You wouldn't cause trouble when you want attention."

"So you still know me, huh."

"A little. I'm trying to forget you."

"Oh, Scotty, not so soon."

"What do you want?"

"Need some cash, Scotty. Deposit and leave."

"That I know. Why?"

"I don't have to explain to you."

"Then I can't give you unless you tell me."

"How stubborn. Just like Macey." I hadn't heard my real mother's name in a long time. I don't remember her much. Other than that polaroid photo that aunt Eva gave me when I was five, where a beautiful red smile, young glimmering eyes with wavy shiny golden hair in green pullover and denim overall, grinned happily at the camera, hugging me in her lap. I was a toddler. Just turned a year old. I only remember her soft hands. I used to clutch her finger and think how big they are.

"Good thing I took after her."

"What can I say? You, born when she was only nineteen. The brick of a wall she was when she thought she could have a happy family. Laughable." She giggled and clapped her hands as if she was in a theater. I clenched my jaw and glared at her furiously. She was irking me to the brink I reminded myself where I was.

"Oh, look at you getting all flared up. Like your dad too. A scoundrel. God knows, what Macey saw in him. Or saw in you." She said folding her hands coolly. She smiled broadly shaking her head and exhaled a satisfied breath that suffocated me. Her cool gesture poked a hole in my chest. I can't believe how twisted can someone be, someone I can't call my family.

"Like John saw the same way in you," I said slowly, gritting my teeth.

She creased her forehead and dropped her smile instantly. She remained quiet for some minutes, before she said, "You can't be just grateful for the life I gave you. If it wouldn't have been for John, I would've left you at foster care long ago." Her unflinching gaze gave her the strength to look at me. Every word. Every drop out of her wet mouth told me why I should leave. Just leave.

"Why do you hate me so much?" I asked slowly. I saved my courage and bottled my angst. I will not lose myself, for this person.

"Later. I don't have time for family drama."

"Glad we're on the same page, Eva."

"Good. Where were we? Yes. I want two thousand dollars."

"Isn't Catherine's money enough for your treatment?"

"Huh, I'm here 'cause I've roof. What I don't have is not enough freedom."

"So you need the money for drugs."

"Your aunt has a lifestyle too, Scotty. Think whatever you want. Call it what you like."

"Catherine didn't pay for you, so you can do as you please."

"Damn right well, kiddo. I'm doing what I want to. You do what you came for. What you're supposed to do."

"I'm not giving you a cent," I shout irritated. I didn't realize how heavily I was breathing. I balled my fist on either side of the edge of the chair and swallowed my frustration to wet my dry throat.

"Easy kiddo. You wouldn't like me next as much as you don't completely like me."

"It wouldn't work on me."

"Nah, I'll still give it a try." She said, crooning her neck.

She unceremoniously dropped her legs and moved forward, resting her hands on the table. Then, she opened her mouth, "What will happen if it gets out?"

"Get out what?"

"You, Matt, the little sloppy kiss in the alley."

My hands froze when she took my boyfriend's name. I couldn't believe what I heard. Eva. How did she see us? My body suddenly feels numb, acting up quickly as I frown. I was convincing myself it's a dream. I'm not awake. I'm not here. She doesn't have a clue about my relationship. This is unreal. I want to test it. So, I asked, "How do you know about him?"

"Doesn't matter. I know things which I doubt you know."

"Answer my question."

"Not telling you."

"You know I can report you to the police."

"I know, too easily. That would even complicate things, Scott. You know that right?" She said, smiling too wide, that I can't sit here for her to overwhelm me.

I push the chair aside. I march up to her and stop where her legs lazily moved. I leaned in, till I had the distance that so desperately, I wanted to avoid. I was close to my aunt now like the only time she held me close was when I insisted her to hold me.

"Speak now."

"Sit down kiddo. Otherwise, I'll shout and tell them you're abusing me."

"You're so sick." I pushed myself back. My fury was levitating. I was losing my patience. Losing my shield.

I got back to my seat. I plopped in the chair and turned to look at the view outside.

"I was looking after you, how you are, you know, Catherine is dead. Someone needs to look after you. Doing my aunt's duty you see."

"Cut the crap and tell me who it is you asked to follow me."

"It isn't important. I don't want to spoil the fun."

"Okay. Have it your way as you like. But I'm not giving you any money until you tell me who is it."

"See, that's one little step to making a mistake." She turned to the empty ground outside and said, "You wouldn't like it. Nor I've any interest getting involved." I think both of us turned to face each other at the same time. Before I could say something, she wasn't done with me, "You'll end up hurt. Though it would relish me to see that face but no. If I want money, I'm not willing to see that pain on your face."

"Why are you doing this, Eva?"

"Oh, kiddo. You think I'm threatening you?"

"This is surely not the kind of talk we're having right now."

She laughed hysterically, slapping the armrests hard. The echo in the room foiled my remaining strength. I got up and started to move away when she composed herself again, "You know, why I hate you?" She said, still chortling.

"I'm not interested."

"Because you're the one who destroyed my happy life. With John. With Lawrence. If you weren't in my life, I would've been having a picnic, you know, living the idyllic life."

"Why do you think I'm the reason?"

"John took you. I didn't want you to stay with us. After Macey took her life, who was left to take care of you?"

"I'm not getting at what you want to say."

"I didn't want you in my home!"

"Not surprising. I'm not arguing here. Instead of helping your sister, it's your fault you left her to deal with herself alone." I blurted out. I was hurt. The woman I used to hope would somehow change, looked like a stranger I knew all along. I didn't want to accept the fact that aunt Eva could hate me so much.

"You were Macey's fault. It should've stayed that way. I don't know why everyone wants to fall on me."

"What kind of younger sister you're?"

"The one who everyone wants to take advantage of!" She screamed. The words scratched in my ears. This is what Eva knows best. Maybe that's why Catherine wanted her to heal.

"That's in your head."

She spat again, the way she conveys so affluent. I don't know if it's out of pity that I'm standing in the depressing room. Or is it for some solution I don't know if I'll be able to find out?

"Give me the money, take your photo, and leave."

"I hope you get well soon, Eva."

"Oh Scotty, I'll. You've three days. You know your dear aunt how impatient she can be."

"This was good bonding. You know, it's great you remember I exist." I avert her gaze and walk out the of room. I didn't hear what she was saying other than her laughing filling up her small world inside her head and the room.

"How'd the session go?" Hamid asked, holding a small soda can in his hand.

"Productive. Let's say, she has too much to work on."

"And?"

"And?"

"Did she tell you about that person who snuck her the drug?"

"No, no. She kept on avoiding."

"Okay, well. We've to measure up our security then."

"It'll be for good."

"Thank you for coming. Catherine would've been so proud of you." Hamid said taking a sip. I smiled unwillingly. If anything for Catherine, I'm not sure whether I would have the heart to go on.

Some things can never change. I don't know if I'm ready to let it go. Now the bigger question is, what am I going to do?

I feel tense after I exit. I feel queasy as I make my way to my car. The sky has painted me in vain. The emotions are heavy inside me that I can't decipher if I should go home yet.

I take out my phone. I tap on Matt's picture. I want to call him. Tell him what Eva told me. Will he listen to me when the sun is setting? I should dial him without thinking but I can't. For some reason, I don't feel like talking to him.

I close my eyes and see those sad beautiful eyes flash in front of me. The light strands tickle her skin. The face I can't touch but feel her in my body. I cover my face resigning to the ecstasy I haven't forgotten yet.

This is unbelievable. Why am I thinking about her now? Shouldn't I be thinking where I could go? What should I do?

I quickly rev the engine and drive away from the parking lot. While the sky is still pink, I need to relax somewhere - where it all began.