Crave You: A Novel

Chapter 7

Kayla

The neon lights outside couldn't help me, making me forget the meeting. On other stressful days, I would've forced myself to stay awake while late dining and drinking. Tonight, I can't.

I'm not struggling to stay awake. I'm not bunching the napkin like I usually do. I'm here at Seus Doces again. Certainly, when I'm sitting here, this proves I'm not thinking straight.

I shouldn't have mentioned it to Kelly. It was my turn tonight to choose our dining spot. This cafe was in my mind for all the wrong reasons.

After I said impulsively, I decided that if I had to deal with this craze, I'd forget and focus on myself. On Nathan. On my business. Right now, I'm just letting myself tear the sweet bread into little pieces. Letting it fall on my plate like my thoughts scattered everywhere.

I know Kelly is staring at me. They probably are trying to figure out if it's okay to finish their Sopa de grão de bico while I'm not putting a cold bit in my mouth yet.

"Boss."

"Yes, Kelly?" I sound tired, I think I'm not loud enough, not very clear, but I can say, I sound disheartened. They know I wouldn't look up. I can't. Not yet.

"I've to ask now."

"Go on."

"What was that?" Finally, Kelly asked. The question I've been trying to search for an answer to. Or I know. But, I don't want to answer them.

I exhale as I rub my worry on my forehead. And I threw that cold piece, which was still waiting for me to put it in my dry mouth.

"We don't impose others. We make them understand what we believe in. What you did there, was like you were trying desperately to get that deal compromising your vision." I know what Kelly was saying is right. I could sense that. So, I swallowed up and lifted my head slowly, and said, "Believe me, Kelly, I think I was lost."

"You're lost, boss. You seem like you would collapse if you chew another piece of that bread."

"Way to cheer me up, Kelly."

"I'm not cheering you up. I'm making you see where you're right now." Kelly kept on stirring her soup. I would say there was barely any left. I push the Bolinhos de backhaul to her. Gladly, she didn't deny it.

"You're right. I can see it. My mind is where it shouldn't be. I'm just dipping myself in absurd things. I don't know why I'm thinking about it so much."

"Say it, there's something wrong between you and Nathan."

"I don't want it to be that obvious, Kelly,"

"Boss, I can see it on your face. I can't read your mind though. I'm not Klaus you know."

"Who's Klaus?"

"Don't you watch The Vampire Diaries?"

"No,"

"You keep hurting me, boss." Kelly shook their head.

I stroke the back of my ears as I look at them. I know what they're trying to do. I'm not sure if it's right to share everything with them that's going on with me. But, I can't keep it up for long. I've to tell them someday. They know me by now to easily figure me out when I would tell them.

"I had an accident last night while returning home with Nathan."

"What? You're telling me now?!" They pushed their napkin on their side, surprised. I nod to her reply. I couldn't think what I could say.

"But you look, is there any bruise or something?"

"No, nothing like that. I avoided it on time."

"What about Nathan?"

"He's fine." I chewed another piece, annoyed after I said.

"Don't tell me the accident happened because you and Nathan..."

"What else could be?"

"While driving?"

"Hm, I was feeling a bit tipsy. I wanted to let my frustration out. The next thing I know, I lashed out at him. We fought horribly. It was a nightmare, Kelly." After I said, I looked away and saw a young man wiping his eyes as he exited the cafe. I looked back at Kelly and again, I couldn't think what more I could add.

"Boss, if you don't mind, may I ask, what happened this time?" They searched my eyes cautiously. I don't want to disappoint myself. I said,

"Kelly, I'm sorry, but I don't want to say it. This is becoming ridiculous day by day."

"It's okay. Anything ridiculous is fine by me, you know this. As long as I'm there for you, you don't have to feel I would judge you. You know me, boss. I don't do that." They said gently. They shouldn't make me feel so comfortable. It's a heart-wrenching thing to think there's someone for me who wouldn't think me a lunatic.

"What is there to say? We are fighting most of the time. It's becoming a routine with us. This one however was...too much. We could've died." I shudder at the feeling when I go back that night. The feeling of stepping over the line and nearly missing from toppling over. For real this time, our relationship would have looked theatrical.

"I understand you were mad at him. But, I'll say, please don't be reckless next time, boss. I, also, don't understand how someone like him could be like that? I mean he could've handled the situation well. I mean I've met Nathan occasionally. I thought you're lucky you found your prince charming!"

"I thought that too." I force myself to calm down while I dust the crumbs off my lap.

"Did you talk with him?"

"Not yet. He's in Biloxi. For some conference. He's supposed to return today, hopefully."

"You think he's going to turn into 'Classic Nathan'?"

"No doubt about that. He returns as he pleases. 'Tomorrow' has become his favorite word." I furiously down the lemon water. I let my throat find the strength I've been suppressing. I was careful not to choke myself. Even though I can't help feeling choked.

"Boss, I get it, it's not easy to stay prim focused. But you have a responsibility. Your career needs you. You've to be the Kayla that everyone knows. Not that Kayla that everyone will know." They said, squeezing my hand. I nod, looking at Kelly.

It's hard staying normal. Normal for me doesn't look normal anymore. There's still hope I'm hanging onto. It's only to reassure me, that I need to see it in Nathan's sparkling eyes. In those eyes, I fell in love with it.

"Alright, I think it's best to tell you now what happened last night,"

"Okay, boss, I'm listening."

"Nathan and I were invited to --" A familiar ringtone interrupted.

"Sorry, boss, I have to take this." Kelly got up from her seat, taking her phone away urgently. I lean back and wait for her. Just then, flashes fill me up. The arguing at the back of the restaurant. Nathan accused me of talking back to his friends. The words, "Why you can't stop" ring my mind. I can still see it as a movie reel moving slowly at an amusing pace.

I place my hands on my head. I try to massage it but no, this too, it's not helping me forget.

"I've to go home, boss."

"Oh, uh, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah it's fine. There's this Tinder date. She had called so,"

"I get it. It's alright. It's late as it is."

"You'll be fine?"

"I'll be, Kelly. Don't worry."

"We'll continue this later. At lunch?"

"Fine."

"Don't stay too late here, okay."

"Yeah, I'll leave in a bit." I smile restlessly. I try to look like I mean it. Within me, my energy says something else.

"Goodnight, boss, and thanks for bringing me here. It's a lovely cafe. We should come here sometimes." Kelly said after hugging me tightly. I let my eyes close and pull myself from their embrace.

After I see them skip in Uber, I look around me. Few people still stay by. Couple more hours left for the cafe to close.

I can stay here. I can finish the softballs and tough bread pieces.

As I munch on, I look at the same seat, leaving two tables in front of me. There's no one there. It sits empty. Like the day hadn't changed yesterday.

What would have happened if I had said yes to Scott? Would I've shared my thoughts with him like others usually do?

I can imagine us, especially me, trying hard to impress him to like me. No, not again. This is bad. This is not what I should be thinking.

What I should be thinking is, what I was about to tell Kelly.

I hang my head down, letting loose strands fall forward. I stare at my dried-up plate. Like the night I was staring at my half-eaten plate while Nathan graciously laughed with his colleagues, who ignored me as if I was invisible. I didn't realize how problematic the moment was. For me.

"What happened with Logan? That Olive Garden oil manufacturer." Paul asked, grinning and looking like a Cheshire behind his red wine.

"He still hasn't made his decision yet. He seems convinced, not gonna lie. He's unsure but likely he might take up the negotiation."

"That's alright. I'm sure he'll. I had told you though. When you have me, you've nothing to worry about."

"That's a fuss, honey. Nathan is far more level-headed than you. He's polite. You're rash."

"In what context are we speaking, darling?" Julia hit her husband playfully on his shoulder. I moved my gaze away from them. I can't say how 'amused' I was by their relationship. While mine sat at the head far from me.

"C'mon, Kayla, cheer up! We aren't stealing your man!" Paul said too loudly. I saw others looking in our direction. I looked at Julia who was giggling while sipping her wine. Paul loves good attention. He didn't care. He won't even if I shut him up. Julia didn't have any objection either. Her sharp dark-winged eyes said she was enjoying the show. What she doesn't know is, I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction in their show.

I placed my spoon carefully and turned in his direction and smiled widely, "Paul, lower your voice down. You aren't on stage,"

"The host can say you look so sulky! It's like you hate us or something," Again he barked loudly, gaining some enthusiasm which was infuriating me.

"I've no reason to do that Paul. You're just exaggerating,"

"I don't exaggerate. I point out the truth!"

"Yeah, Paul doesn't say anything like that for nothing," Julia joined his overconfidence again, like a switch. While she was glaring at me like a corpse, ready to pounce on me.

I didn't fumble. I felt I might. Only I felt intimidated. But I knew, I had to curl my fist and look in their direction, calm and equally intimidating before I said, "Well, um, I don't think it's a bad thing to have concern for my husband after you know, Julia can't keep her hands off Nathan,"

"Oh, Christ," I heard Nathan sigh. I didn't care when he put his hands on his head.

"C'mon, Kayla, that episode is over," Paul chuckled. He put his lanky hands around his wife's slender shoulder. Looking at his pearl white teeth made me want to smash them there and there.

"I know, Paul, it's over. Still, you gotta stay wary when the candle is burning," I said, smiling, fiddling with my pesto pasta, as I swirled it in a big maelstrom that looked like I wouldn't be able to take it in my mouth.

Nathan, Paul, Julia, remained quiet. Für Elise went on patiently. I didn't see their reactions but I could feel their daggers at me while I ate silently.

I wasn't wrong there. If anything my relationship has to do, I've to correctly stick the bandage between me and Nathan. That's what I'm doing right now. And I don't care.

"I'll be right back," I felt his chair bump the table. I didn't look up but I peeked at him, watched him march to a door at a far corner, where I believed it wasn't the men's restroom.

Paul and Julia didn't say anything. I didn't bother looking at them. All I know, I saw Julia rising to her tall height in red killer heels as I glanced from my side.

I meekly looked at Paul, who also joined Julia. Both of them left the table. Left me. I sat there alone. With the low blue light dropping on me.

I don't want to recall the scene. The texts between him and Julia. At that moment, the memory resurfaced the hurt I felt when I couldn't look away from their photo. Both of them smile warmly at each other, kissing, like a couple in love.

I closed my eyes. Inhaled. Then exhaled out my emotion while gritting my teeth.

I got up without finishing my meal. I simply, automatically, let myself guide me towards the far end.

I exit the door that leads to an open space outside.

As I walked along, I saw the torches on either side of the pillars, illuminating my lonely shadow in passion, that bathed me to drown in my emotions. Alone.

I was trying to shake the memory off me. I was trying to clear my mind. I was thinking how easy was it for Paul to forgive his fiancé? I was expecting him to question Julia at their apartment, but he just hugged her. He comforted her like it was time for me to go.

He and Nathan didn't speak for days. Until out of nowhere, I don't know when they made up, suddenly, Nathan told me, they have invited us to have a friendly dinner with them.

I reminded him what happened before our fourth anniversary. I don't know what I was expecting. What I wanted to hear from him. He just said, "Stop being obstinate, Kayla. We want to move past this, alright. We don't want to ruin our friendship,"

"What about us, Nathan? We still have things to talk about,"

"Christ, Kayla. I'm begging you, stop. I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about,"

"Nathan, there is! If you don't open up with me if you don't help me understand you, how am I supposed to live with you?"

"Kayla, I'm still the person you know me. I'm fine with the way things are now. Because honestly, I think we're moving on."

"Nathan, that's what you think. I haven't moved on!"

"Stop it, Kayla. This is important for me. For us. Please, don't ruin it."

I stopped thinking back to that moment. I reminded myself I'm there. That for Nathan's sake, I've to work on myself. That's why I reached the lawn where small lights decorated all over the pruned bushes.

There was a small maze in the center. The glittering lights perfectly fell on the little miniature. After I entered, I saw lots of string lights decorated above me.

I removed my flats. I took them by hand. And started walking on bare feet, feeling the soft, wet, grassy leaves, touching and soothing my aching soles.

Fresh roses filled up my nostrils and slithered straight into my bleeding heart.

I was trying to tell myself, I can fix this. I can fix my relationship. I don't want to lose Nathan. I don't want to be the person yet who shouldn't stay. I wasn't willing to give up yet. I was trying to tell myself, there's still some hope. That I can change, that I can make our relationship work. I just have to figure it out, like this maze, I was walking wherever the paths lead me. Only if I wish I knew, I shouldn't have stepped into the left-wing. Dark, hollow, and short, I wasn't expecting to see them.

I open my eyes slowly. I see the cafe almost empty.

Few people sit by, smoking vape pens. An hour has gone by. I haven't finished the food. But I'm not hungry anymore.

That's the thing. Food was supposed to keep me here for long. I don't want to go home. I don't want to spend the night alone, in a house, where constantly Nathan's presence feels transparent.

My husband is still with me. But, emotionally, he has locked himself from me.

When I take one step forward, he backs away from me. When I back out, give him space, he gladly backs out calmly.

We've both become different individuals who keep on walking backward as we face each other.

We are like seasons. When it hits, we fall hard. When it disappears, we fade without letting each other know. It matters. It's really important for me. I don't want to be the kind of person for him when he wants to neglect me and walk away fast.

All these thoughts in my mind are making me tense. I take a deep breath and let it out of my strained chest.

I want to cry. I want to cry and push the suppressed emotions off me. The thing is, I can't.

I can't feel my eyes well up. I can't feel my throat constrict.

Nothing. Nothing happens. Isn't it strange? When I want to cry, my cheeks feel dry. I don't know why it's that way.

I connect both my palms together. I trace along the line drawn below my fingers, and the other one ending right at my wrist.

One day, Sangeeta had taken a look at it. After stuffing a spoonful of Singaporean fried rice, she told me, "Seems you'll meet a dashing man,"

"Sangeeta, that's just delusion,"

"Hey, don't insult palm reading. It tells your fate, all by looking at your gross lines."

"Yeah, right, your prediction about my high school grades didn't prove right."

"Hey, it wasn't close, but don't say, it was bad."

"Alright, alright, let's see yours,"

"Why should I tell mine?"

"Can't you do it?"

"Duh, it doesn't work that way, I can if I want to. I don't want to."

"Shall I call, Pratishtha, and do it for you?"

"God! No! Leave her out of it!"

"Aw, you blush so cutely when I mention about Pratishtha,"

"Shhh, don't say it too loud," Sangeeta anxiously turned her worried gaze at her Green Day poster, fixed intensely on her bedroom door.

"Sangeeta, how long can you keep this secret?"

"Like everyone else, who covers their face, you see in the road."

"But, you must have thought about it, right? Have you figured out how you would tell your parents?"

"Dude, my parents will kill me. If they know their daughter is a lesbian, they'll send me off to some mental asylum or burn me alive,"

"Don't say like that,"

"This is the society we live in, Kayla. They'll get me married to some man without asking me if I want to or not. I have the freedom I can use. Thank God, for my Master's degree, they aren't trying to interfere in my life."

"Sooner or later, they're going to get you married,"

"I'll run away if that happens. But, unlikely, because they're busy showing me off to our relatives,"

"Still, Sangeeta, you deserve to be happy,"

"Don't worry about me, Kayla. I'll figure a way out. I'm sure, I'll find something,"

"Promise me,"

"Promise, dumbo. Now let's see if your man cheats you or is damn boring." I pushed her playfully, and I thought, though she was trying to remain optimistic, she knew deep down, how difficult it was going to be. Like I'm being now.

Who knew her prediction would someday catch up with me. And that, I can't tell her.

I shake my heaviness growing inside me. I can't linger on here and let it consume me wholly.

Instead, I think about Scott. I try to remember his face. Now blurry and fading slowly, the thought of him, just makes me want to see him again. I can't describe the feeling. It's weird and outright incredulous. Thinking about a stranger that way, I can just turn to see the empty seat again. I can reminisce that memory of him I can't rewind. I think it's time for me to call the night.

Before I could get up, I saw a warm silhouette exiting the cafe. Once the stranger steps into the moonlight, I think, I might have got it mixed.

But, wait. It can't be.