KANA

Part IV

"I don't hate being alone. What I hate is missing the chance to be with you."

How can I not misunderstand when she talks to me like that? And she didn't look like she was joking. She said it directly to me while looking into my eyes. There's no way that doesn't make me go crazy.

I was about to ask what she meant when her phone rang. She grabbed her phone and smiled widely when she saw who was calling her.

"I thought you didn't remember me anymore." She answered the call with a beaming face. I didn't get to see the name that appeared on the screen so I cursed myself for being too slow to peek. Now I'm actually very curious who she was calling to look very happy like this.

Is it her husband? I tried to plug my ear, but couldn't hear anything on the other end of the line. Only Kana's voice.

"How are you, honey? Did you miss me?" She got out of bed and went into another room. I guess it was because I was there that she felt uncomfortable. Faintly, I can still hear her voice getting smaller and smaller. "Of course I miss you too. I can't wait to see you."

It was her husband. What was I just thinking? Saying that she wants to be with me doesn't mean she's flirting with me. She only sees me as a friend. And for her, maybe saying something like that to a female friend was normal.

She had a husband, and their marriage seemed fine even though that person wasn't here. I can't bother her. I didn't even have a chance to disturb her even in a dream. She is married. She wouldn't be interested in a girl like me.

I got up and walked out of her room because I couldn't hear her voice anymore. Stupidly I'm still curious. She was on the balcony, and the phone call seemed to have turned into a video call. She looked genuinely happy when she chatted with her husband.

I can only stare at her from inside of the room. The balcony consists of a row of glass windows and a sliding door. There are two layers of thick and thin curtains that can be closed at night. Currently both curtains are open so I can clearly see them. She closed the door to the balcony so I couldn't hear her voice.

She was at called in very a long time. I sat back in front of the television while waiting for her to finish. I no longer feel sleepy, nor do I feel tired. Just curious. Would I have had the courage to ask who she had just called?

No. I better not do that. Asking while I already know the answer as if deliberately building false hopes for myself, then blowing a painful strong wind until all is gone. And, I don't have the authority to ask. I had to realize that I was just a bodyguard. Her personal affairs are not something I should meddle in.

Kana finished the call after exactly forty-seven minutes. I purposely timed it and it felt to me as if years had passed. Korean dramas that aired have even changed to online shop shows. She came straight to me who was sitting on the sofa.

"I'm going to the airport today, for the next few days you are free and can take a vacation," She said to me, "Tell Mbak Dedeh and Mang Ramli that I have to go abroad. They will understand."

I stood up from my seat. "Is there any problem?"

"No, I just want to go for a holliday." Even the beaming face didn't go away after she finished the call. "Ah! Do you still want to stay here? While you are here, you can also take a walk before coming home. Later I will extend the hotel, also book ticket to Jakarta . Don't worry."

What hollidays? Aren't we also here for a holliday?

"I'll be gone for a while, you can take a break," She continued. She went to her room and started to pack her things.

"You left right away? How's your head?" I asked. I followed her, then helped out with some stuff so she wouldn't miss it.

"I'm fine. My tickets are booked for this afternoon." She collected her belongings to put back in the bag.

"Why all of a sudden? How about waiting for Mang Ramli to take you?" I said as I tucked her shoes into the shoe box.

"Are you curious?" She glanced at me grinning. "You want to go with me?"

What am I going for? So that I can be a mosquito repellent when she is with her husband? Didn't Niki say that she usually goes alone? Why is she offering me to come along now?

"I don't have a passport," I replied in a low, lieful mumble. Of course I have it. I just wanted to avoid her invitation. Even though taking care of her is my job, this time I really don't want to do it. You can say that I'm an unprofessional coward. I do not care.

"That's too bad." She reorganized her things. I can't see the expression on her face now

"When will you be back?" I asked again.

"I think in a week, or maybe more," she replied, "I'll let you know when I get back."

"Are you okay going alone?" I just kept asking. Won’t her to leave while I also don't want to go along and become hurt later.

It's none of my business though. The longer it goes on, don't I become less self-conscious by crossing the line that I should? Did she want to go alone, when would she return, or should she leave so suddenly. It's none of my business.

"I'll ask the hotel service to take me to the airport." She shifted to crouch down beside me. While hooking her arm with me she said, "How about you? Are you going to be all right?"

I keep busy packing dirty clothes into separate compartments. Make an effort to glance at her, because maybe I'll melt and won't let her go. I don't have the right to it, so I try not to embarrass myself in front of her.

"I'd rather have a few days off."

"Oh I see!" She let me go. Sounds a little disappointed. I don't know, it's just my feeling. Or I want that.

"Too bad I don't have a passport." Although maybe it's just my feeling, I want to make her disappointment a little less. "It would be more fun if we could travel abroad together."

"Then next time we go together!" She touched my arm again. Sounds excited again. "Let's face it, you take care of your passport in your spare time. So you can go with me next month."

Kana will go again next month. I really don't want to go with her. Why did I see her with her husband? I know myself well enough. However, on the one hand I was faced with the opposite demands. Like I can't continue to like her because she is a married woman. On the other hand I also can't keep refusing to go out with her while she pays me as a personal bodyguard.

How should I face this girl? I really do not know.

***

I just stared at the screen of my cellphone which had not received any notification since two days ago. Several times I checked the signal in case there was interference. All smooth without problems.

"Well, you still haven't moved since morning?" A boy of fourteen years old came and sat on my feet which had been lying lazily on the living room sofa. "Go help mom over there!"

His name is Andrinof Piliang, my youngest brother. We used to call it An. The most nosy boy in the world I've ever known. His face is exactly the same as Armahedi Piliang, Ar the middle child who is now in his last year of high school. The difference between the two apart from the general aspect is their nature. While An could be said to be hyperactive, Ar was a bit more calm.

Coincidentally, it was a Saturday. Neither of them went to school. Because of that, the house feels crowded today.

I pulled my leg, then looked at the time on my phone. I've only been like this for two hours. The boy is too much. It's not even noon yet.

"Mom? why?" I asked lazyly. I turned to the kitchen where I heard a noise coming from there that I just realized.

"She make some cake," he answered. He snatched the phone from my hand and opened it. "What wring with your cell phone?"

I left him with my phone and went to the kitchen to see what was going on. There, I found mother and Ar sitting on the floor. My mom is kneading the dough using a mixer, while Ar is greasing the baking sheet with butter.

"Is there be an event or something?" I sat beside my mother and saw what I could do to help.

"Ida's youngest child will be circumcised tomorrow. They ordered a cake from us," Ar answered.

Later, I heard from Ar that my mom often received cake orders from neighbors who were going to have a celebration. He said that mom cannot just sit still while her children are working. I told my mom that she didn't have to do that because my salary was enough for our family. But, mom insisted. According to her, we have to learn from experience not to depend on just one person. And I think that's true.

In the past, when he was healthy, my dad was a sports teacher at a private school. In his spare time, in the afternoon and on weekends, he would train the children to practice martial arts. Sometimes he even trains older children to take part in the championship.

And everything immediately turned around when dad fell ill. So far, we have only relied on our father as the backbone of the family. That's even enough to buy a house, a car, and also go on vacation every year. When he was sick, we all panicked. Our car was even sold to cover medical expenses. Maybe that's why my mother tried to make extra income by baking cakes. We cannot depend on just one person. Depend on me. After all, no one knows what will happen to me in the future.

While my dad really felt guilty. Several times we caught him crying lamenting the situation. Feeling this is all his fault that our family is in trouble. Honestly, we don't blame him. None of me, my mother, and my siblings blame him. Who would have thought that a calamity like this would befall our family?

At least we were lucky because we still had a house for shelter. Although the savings must be thin out and some assets are sold. The thing I am most grateful for is that my dad survived the incident even though he was no longer able to carry out his activities without the help of others. It started with my dad falling in the bathroom and passing out. We panicked and called an ambulance. My dad was unconscious for several days. The doctor ruled that my dad had a stroke. And since then he has been stuck in a wheelchair.

"Not bad for increasing the cost of living," mom add, "you can take a break. It's rare to have a day off like this."

"Where's dad?" I asked again.

"He was resting in his room. I just told An to check on dad's condition," said Ar.

"An?" I pointed to the living room. "He's playing on his cell phone out front."

"What?" Ar looks furious to hear that. "That kid really..."

Ar was about to stand up to him when his mother held him down. "Leave him alone! Dad will call if he needs anything."

"Mom spoiled him too much!" Ar protest.

"He's a kid," Mom still defended him. "You guys also go get some rest. It's just a little longer."

"Okay," Ar patted me on the shoulder, and motioned to leave. "I'll take them to Mrs. Ida's house later."

Mom nodded in agreement. She then waved her hand in a shooing motion. Asked us to leave from there. I just got up, mom spoke again. "Oh, the box isn't there yet. Can you buy it at the shop? Take the money from my wallet!"

"Okay!" Ar agreed while gesturing with his hand.

"I'm with you!" I offered myself which Ar gladly accepted.

While walking out, Ar hit An's head lightly who was watching youtube using my cell phone. "Phonehead!"

"Where are you going?" asked the boy.

"Kids ask a lot of questions!" I hit his head too. Then we left him in a sullen state.

The shop that my mom meant was not far from home. It is a convenience store that can be reached only on foot. It takes less than five minutes to get there.

We live in a densely populated residential area. Most of those who live there are upper middle class. Not rich people like Kana, but those who are well off. Only a small proportion are in economic difficulties. Those who have been bankrupt or stricken by disaster. Like we used to be.

Our house is in the middle of the housing estate. The road is big enough for two cars to pass at once, but not so many vehicles pass by. Therefore, children are free to play on the streets making the atmosphere lively. Even more on weekends like this.

Ar and I walked side by side with him on the other side of the road. His towering body covered the hot sun so it didn't hit me. We are tall, but Ar is the tallest. Maybe because he worked hard. He is even active in the football club.

Unlike me, who is quiet and tends to be introverted. Ar sociable and friendly towards everyone. He smiled and greeted everyone we met on the street. He even took the time to stop for a moment to chat with a man of the same age as dad that Ar said is our neighbor, but I've never seen before. No wonder I rarely go out and socialize.

"How is your school?" I asked on the way after he said goodbye from the man earlier. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and even though we've been at home for a few days, we don't have time to talk because he has to go to school. When he got home, he still had home work to do. I don't want to bother him. Moreover, he also needs rest.

"Just like that," he answered simply.

"Have you decided where to study?" I asked again.

He shrugged. "I don't think I want to go to college."

"You are!" I patted his back. "Don't worry about the cost. My salary is enough to pay for your tuition."

Ar is younger than me, but he is much more mature. As the eldest son, he felt he had to take responsibility after our dad was sick. He once said he wanted to find a part-time job in between school to cover our living expenses. Of course it was opposed by me and my mother. If he wants to be responsible, he must at least finish his school first. Don't let his school be neglected. Because of that, I don't think he wanted to go to college because he was thinking about the cost.

"Not because of that." He laughed loudly. "You know that I'm pretty good at football. There is a club that is planning to sign me. It's not a big club, but if I had to choose between studying and playing football, of course I would gladly choose to play football."

"Did mom know?"

He nodded. "I've asked her opinion. And she asked me to think about it again. She would prefer if I went to college. But she's not against it either."

"Can't you stay in college if you go to that club?"

"I don't know, I haven't asked yet," Ar said. He then kicked a small rock into the ditch. "How about yourself? You've been looking down for the last few days. Is there a problem?"

"No," I denied it and quipped, "I just feel a little tired."

"Okay," Ar nodded and didn't ask again.

Or maybe I can ask Ar. Even though he was young, he was wise enough to be consulted.

"Ar, I want to ask you something," I said then.

"Yes?"

"If you liked someone who turned out to be married, what would you do?" I asked straight away.

"You like a married man?" he asked again.

"Not me," I panicked and hurriedly came up with an excuse. "I just saying if."

"Your boss?" He guess. And that's exactly right. Ar can't possibly read my mind right? At least I didn't tell him it was a 'She'.

"Only if!" I confirmed again.

"Does he like you too? Or is it just you who like him?"

"I don’t know!" I shrugged. I really do not know. She's always been very nice to me, but that doesn't mean she likes me. It's basically good. "Is there a difference?"

"If he likes you too, you should just quit from that job. You shouldn't be around him. Not good for you, nor for him. But, if you're the only one who likes that person, I hope you can control yourself," Ar explained the meaning of his question before.

I guess that's the second option. Only I who like her. And what if I can't control this and continue to like her? Even though I know Kana is married. Even though I knows it's impossible for her to like a girl like me.

"I believe you can control yourself," Ar continued.

"I told you it wasn't about me. Just in case."

He even laughed at that. "Okay, this isn't about you."