All I Need

Emptiness.. That's how I feel everytime I open my eyes in the morning. My mind is full of questions, frustrations, and uncertainty. I tried to stretch my hand to ever so familiar place on the bedside table to turn off the blaring alarm clock. Yeah.. time to wake up.. time to move in autopilot. I stretched my arms unwillingly and rubbed my eyes. Things that make me feel alive yet a sign that I would waste yet another day of life doing the same routine. Waste? That's how I feel it but for my 5 year old daughter. I'm her everything. I gently stroked her hair and kissed cheek. “Time to wake up baby. Time for school.” “Mommy.. I want to sleep more..”  Deciding that 5 more minutes would do more good than bad in this kind of situation avoiding that possibility of a huge tantrum early in the morning, I opted to scroll down my messages first. Wow.. got 3 messages today.. have i missed something special today.. Let see.. 1st message.. Louie: Hey, sorry! Had an early nght and needed to go somewhere today. I noticed that he deleted 1 of the messages. I wanted to ask him but decided against it. Not really for lies yet. 2nd message.. from my nephew.. Aunt Blessy, can you print my homework for me?? 3rd message.. from my friend, Kara... "You can access my account through the browser." Referring to her new socmed account. Yeah.. good morning to you too people.. I took a deep sigh and focused on my sleeping daughter again. Feeling a bit irritated by the messages, I woke her up a bit harsher this time. “Heidi! If you don't get up now, you will be late for school.” I bit half shouting, half hissing. “Hug me first.” I obliged. If there's 1 thing I'm sure about my life is that she needs me. She needs me more than anybody else will ever do. “Yeah, right.. get up, you sleepy head!” After a chaotic morning of preparing and sending her to school, I finally got back home. Not in a not so good mood, I refused to have eye contact with anyone. Walking with my head bowed down the whole time. Finally home.. How I wish I could call this empty place Home sweet Home but I know deep in my head this can hardly be thought of as one. I tried to take a nap and think of happier thoughts for once as I closed my eyes. The first few seconds were a success but as usual it would go back to all my worries and never ènding responsibilities. Why am I so grumpy?? I haven't even reached my middle age. I am only 35, a single mom, and working to make a living all my life. Ever since I graduated from university, I felt the need to help my family mainly to pay them back for sending me to school. Everybody may think that I'm the best daughter my parents could ever have. Well, that would never be further than the truth. I'm the middle child, the least favorite, black horse of the family. I strongly disagree with the last 1 though. I did my best to be appreciated, but ended up just giving up. I grew up in a family that could be categorized as normal, nothing special. My father never had a stable job. As far as I remember, he would always come back home fuming because he had a huge argument with his boss. It happened not only once but it was a cycle I got so adapted with. He would apply for a job he thought was good enough for him. The first few weeks would be a bed of roses, then all of a sudden he would see the bad things about just everything or should I say everyone, his seniors, employers, even the security guards. He was a difficult man to be with. That caused us to hardly have enough food on the table. We almost stopped going to school because we had no money to spend on our projects and daily allowance to have a little snack at school. It forced my mom to do anything that would let her take home some money. She became a street vendor, factory worker, domestic helper, name it. Although she was willing to help my father, she was always forced to stop working because my father would always be jealous of everyone near her. I guess for him, it's better for his family to starve as long as his ego is intact. Sometimes I wondered in the little head how my mom was able to live with it all. I appreciated my mother's effort in raising us, but never happy with how she treated me. Perhaps a part of it was because I spent more time with my paternal grandmother that was why our bond as mother and daughter was never that strong and I didn't care much not until my grandmother died. That's when it struck me hard. I was alone. I never had a home with my so-called family. I tried to get the attention I never had from my parents from other people. I would spend so much time with my friends or staying in the office day in, day out. Always wanting to feel appreciated, I would play the role of a martyr breadwinner who never had enough money for herself because she gives so much of what she gets to her family. Someone who would gladly shoulder paying the bills, buying food, name it. There's nothing special about me. Not even the best looking girl although a few would find me cute. I never believed them. My personality is not even so pleasant. I'm hard to deal with. My humor is harsh and my mouth utters truthful yet hurtful words. I wasn't born with filters at all which made my relationship with my friends bittersweet. When I reached the age of 30, I wanted an escape. Oh God, I badly needed an escape. I have tried to loosen myself with some online flings but did not satisfy my needs at all cost. I wanted to have a family or maybe I wanted an assurance that I would be loved unconditionally. That I would be prioritized for once. Then, I met him.