Sweet Revenge

"I'm leaving." He whispered the words that would shatter and shake me to the core.  I stood there in silence opposite the room we shared for more than 5 years. I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to react in any way at all. I don't know how long I stood there staring blankly ahead with a million thoughts racing through my head. After what seemed like an eternity, I spoke. "Does she take care of you better than I do? Does she love you more than I do?" The questions just came out emotionless. I needed to break the silence else I would scream at the top of my lungs until I pass out! I shifted my gaze and looked at him. He met my gaze and there was no remorse, just pity. I couldn't bear the way he looked at me. I couldn't take it. I needed to leave. The space felt too cramped... Too small... I needed to get away. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I reached for the door and he was instantly behind me and covered my hand with his. "I'm sorry." This was all he could say. For some unknown reason, my eyes started to itch and a lump started to form in my throat which I tried so hard to swallow. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I continued to chant these words in my head. I failed. One by one the tears started to fall. I couldn't hold the pain, resentment, fear of the unknown and the heartbreak. He kept his hand wrapped around my hand while I was holding the door. His other arm he wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. "I'm sorry." he whispered. I can't recall how long we stayed that way. I started to feel the numbness building up from my heels to my upper body. I had to sit down. I slowly let myself slide down to the floor and let the pain and hatred consume my inner being. I wanted to break free. I wanted to be far away from him as possible. I wanted him to suffer and feel the pain I was feeling. At the same time, I wanted him to hold me this way forever. It wasn't fair. Why did it feel like I was on the losing end? Why did it matter so much to me to make him see that he was making a huge a mistake? Why did this feel like my entire world stopped moving? Why did it have to happen to me? Why me? "Why?" Was all I could I ask in that moment. I don't even know how that word came out of my mouth. My throat felt like it was closing up and I had no words or strength to continue speaking. Silence. I waited for him to acknowledge my question and answer it truthfully. Silence. I felt like I was going to go crazy as the silence was hurting my ears. Silence. I felt the sudden shift in emotions. I started to feel rage and anger. I wanted to scream and curse and hurt him so that he could physically feel what I was feeling inside. I started to squirm from his embrace. I wanted to be as far from his touch as possible. I felt nauseated that he was holding me at this moment. Soon my movements became bigger and more forceful. "Let me go!" I screamed. "You asshole! Stop holding me! Let the f**k go! f**k!" I broke free from his hold or so I thought. Maybe he loosened his grip. I don't know. All I know is that I found myself free and I scrambled to the other corner of the room. I put a good distance between us. I suddenly had the courage to look up and see him. He was hunched at the other side of the room with his head down. I couldn't quite make out his expression. With all the strength I had in me, I hissed at him and said, "I asked you why goddammit!" He looked up. His expression unreadable.He met my stare. Silence. "You at least owe me an explanation! I deserve an explanation! That's the least you could do!" I spat out the words that were playing in my head while letting the tears fall. He just looked at me in silence. For a moment, I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes. Although it disappeared as quickly as it appeared. He stood up. Brushed himself a little and cleared his throat. He was finally going to say something. Silence. He ran his hand through his hair as a sign of frustration and put his hands in the front pocket of his jeans. He looked defeated. He looked so vulnerable that it was too difficult to find him at fault in this crazy situation. This made me hate myself even more. What have I done to deserve this? Was it wrong to want to save this relationship? Did I invest too much in him that I lost track of what contributed to this mess? Was I really a sucker for happy endings? It felt like my whole world suddenly came crashing down. I had so many hopes and dreams for my life together with him. But all is lost now. He slowly made his way over to me. He closed the space between us in 5 strides. I counted because I expected him to pick me up and hug me tight and whisper in my ear that this was all make-believe. That this was a bad dream and he was going to wake me up. He hunched over me, tucked my hair behind my ear and wiped the tears that were falling from my face. He kissed me on the forehead and abruptly stood up and walked towards the door. Just before he opened the door, he looked at me one more time with sadness in his eyes which I mistook for pity. He pulled the door open and walked out. It was the most painful day of my life. The image of his face just before he walked out the door. The image of his back to me. He didn't even look back. It felt like he wanted to leave everything behind and move on without regrets. And just like that, he left me in my misery. No explanations, no reasons why and no "Baby, let's work this out." 7 years of my life with him all thrown away like garbage. There was nothing left to do but cry. Cry at the empty space. Cry in the darkness. Cry until I was too exhausted to cry some more. This is what has become of me. Broken and shattered. I don't know how to start picking up the pieces that was left broken by him. "Bella, you need to be strong." I whispered to myself in the dark. I don't know how I ended up curled in bed and how long I stayed that way. All I knew is that I needed more time to cope. I needed more time to feel the pain. I needed to re-arrange my life and pick up the pieces again. I needed to heal for me, but not right now. Right now, I need to breathe and allow myself to wallow in my misery. Tomorrow, I'll recover. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I promise, I'll start building my life again.