Takip Silip

iv. Pumapangapat

It was her own tragedy that give her the misery teenager life that she have always wanted. From her friends used to talk about it and from the novels she read. The bar, s*x, alcohol, and drugs. The hopeless and temporary happiness. Freedom. She can go to any place wherever she want, sleeps whenever she want, be drunk and wasted and no screaming voice will be heard. Just music and laughter. No one will stop her from this ecstasy. 

Is she really free? She knows it to herself, she was not. She doesn't have a place to go. It was the illusion and blurry nights that makes her believe that she was free. Or she let herself believe; to stop caging her thoughts. 

No one will yell at her for not going to school. She can be a sloth and have her own peace. No one is pushing her to be the best; she will not push herself anymore. No more crying nights out of frustrations. Hindi niya na kailangan may patunayan, wala siyang kailangan patunayan. She found comfort in her own chaos. 

Until she doesn't have money left in her pockets anymore. 

It was almost a month, she still attend her classes once for a week. Minsan may hangover pa. Scared na her siblings will see her being miserable, and their own mother is the reason for it. Her whole family, rather. She doesn't want them to know how it affected her but she hopelessly hope that they would get her out of this place. But hoping makes her more miserable. Para siyang kumakapit sa stick na mababali agad. 

She can make art and sell them but couldn't dahil limited lang ang material niya na nasa kanya. And she doesn't have money to buy more materials. 

She's there again in the dark place and she have to push herself in the limits not to her family but to herself. To live. To survive. 

She applied sa isang cafe and got the job as a waitress, it doesn't pay enough for her to live pero ayos na kaysa wala. Eight hours she will work and at night she get herself wasted. 

She can hear laughters again and forget. 

"Nice. Libre naman d'yan! Isang frappe lang." it was Elli, the first one she kissed sa five seconds na naging five minutes, or more than. They were friends na. Lagi rin kasi ito nasa bar and they were long time friends ni Mia. 

"Sa sahod na." she said habang nagsindi ng sigarilyo. Kinuha ni Elli sa bibig niya at ito naman ang umithit, "Hoy!" she reacted and tried to get it pero iniwas niya. 

"Ako na lang manlilibre sa'yo." sumimangot si Aurora dahil kinuha nito ang sigarilyo. She was about to lit another one pero inilayo rin nitong isang kaha. "nakadami ka na." she said. Aurora rolled her eyes. She was there to be free! Dapat lang makarami. Anong point kung bakit siya nandyan di ba? Bwisit. 

Napahiyaw siya nung may tumaas sa lamesa and twerk-ed. She wants that too! Pero she doesn't have an ass. Kaya gumiling ito na parang matcho dancer na tinawanan naman ng mga kaibigan. Lumapit pa si Joy at nakipagpaligsahan sa kanya. It was all fun that night, every night. 

Nagkayayaan matulog sa unit ni Mia, everyone was wasted. Halos hindi na makatayo ang nakararami. Tska harap lang ng bar ang unit. They continued the party sa unit.

4AM, tulog na rin ang lahat. Marami nainom si Aurora yet she's there. Still sober. Nasanay na ang katawan sa alchol kaya’t hindi na tinatamaan ng alak. Masikip naman din kasi ang kama, mayroon pa sa sahig na natutulog. 

"Di ka matutulog?" Elli asked na bumangon. Ch-in-eck ang phone. Gising pa pala.

"Saan ako makakatulog?" aniya habang nakatingin sa mga kaibigan nila na nasa sahig. Parang mga sardinas. Elli stood up at pumuntang kusina, nagtitimpla ng kape. "Hindi ka pa matutulog?" it was Aurora turn to ask kahit obvious naman ang sagot. 

"Sa pwesto ko muna ka matulog." she watched her sits sa ibabaw ng lababo. Aurora was about to say na baka mahulog siya pero wala na siyang lakas.

"Hindi ako inaantok." sa totoo lang, may trabaho pa siya mamaya. 

"Kape tayo?" yaya ni Elli, she was about to say no, "and midnight talks." and smirked like it was something funny to say. Aurora just stared at her. Her head feels so heavy. Elli didn’t wait for her to answer. Nagtimpla na ito ng kape, "tara rito?" 

"Tired," to move. Elli nod. Inilapit niya ang kape sa gilid niya at bumalik sa pagkakaupo sa lababo. This time, she's facing Aurora. She looks like a kid with a coffee mug. She was too small kaya pasway sway ang paa nito sa hangin.

"Kapag nagrant ba ako sa'yo makikinig ka?" biglang seryosong tanong niya nakapagtaas ng kilay ni Aurora. She’s already used about people who suddenly vent out. They are group of people trying to escape. They all met because they were lost in some point, right? She nodded. Elli nodded back, "they told me, magaling ka raw magdrawing." hindi sigurado kung anong isasagot niya rito. Sa tingin naman niya magaling siya, "you're seventeen and yet you accomplished a lot of things? Wow." an awed. She smiled, pilit. Ano ba 'to? Awkward for her. Elli stared at her coffee. Playing with the mug. 

"I'm actually a writer, I write novellas and have published plenty of books too. Wala pa akong twenty and yet." smirked. It was narcissistic to say that, kita pa ang yabang sa bibig nito and then nawala, "yet, everything feels not enough. Writing was my dream, bata pa lang. And now that I accomplished them, shouldn't I be happy?" it was a question that both of them cannot answer. Aurora sips on her coffee. Kape nanaman. Halos araw araw kape ang kasama niya. 

Ayaw niya nang deep talks. She doesn't want to dig on her own grave. But Elli keeps on talking.

"My family was proud of me kasi I can make my own money. I can buy everything that I want including theirs. But why am I not yet happy?" Maybe it was the alcohol and the moon. Wala siyang sagot. Muka ba siyang masaya? “I have great friends. My life is almost perfect and yet.”

"Maybe because we always compare ourselves to others. We envy people and we want people to envy us." Sinubukan niyang hindi ikonek ang sarili niya sa sagot. Ayaw niya malaman ang sarili niyang nararamdaman. Ayaw niya magisip. 

"I never compared myself to others. Pero gusto ko nang maipagyayabang. Masama ba 'yun?" She answered. She too never compared herself from the others. Aurora have her own identity. She doesn't really care about what other people think except her family. She will never be happy to the things that she can have. She cannot satisfied the person she wants to be proud of her. She want to be understood by her family, she want them to accept her and what she wants. Is it too much to ask for? She will never be happy. 

She wants to tell her too that she feel the same. Gusto niya rin tanungin ang mga tanong na ‘yun sa kanya. But, she dislocated herself from her own body. Emotions hurts. Feeling pains. She’s here to escape not to look back to her memories. She’s terrified that if Elli continue to talk, her fragile bubble will burst out.

She’s safe that the day ended without her uttering any word. She just listened to Elli and her lucky yet not life. Same but different from her. 

But same questions.