Taste of Poison

Kabanata 15

Commitment

"...four bodies were found dead," namatay bigla ang telebisyon kahit hindi pa tapos magsalita ang reporter doon.

Napasimangot ako bago dinungaw si Azar na nakatayo sa likod ng sofa. His arms were crossed above his chest while holding the remote.

Death is spreading nationwide and it has the same findings like before minus the missing heart. Dahil alam na ng lahat ang tungkol sa bampira, sila ang tinutukoy nilang suspek. Totoo naman iyon. Ang kawalan ng dugo pa lang ng mga bikitima ay masasabi na kung sino ang salarin.

But four in just one night? That's a lot.

"I was watching," I stated in a matter of fact.

Tamad niya akong tiningnan. "You were cussing while watching."

"Because vampires are heartless," sinabi ko.

He arcs his brows. "I am."

"Yeah, right. Literal."

Sumandal ako sa sofa at humalukipkip. They kill for blood and the officials must find alternatives. A product that would stop their needs from consuming human blood. Kung walang mahahanap, mauubos ang tao. At hanggang ngayon ay walang ibang bukambibig ang nasa itaas kung hindi ay ang paghahanap ng gamot para maging tao ulit sila.

The cure is important, alright. Pero iyon lang ba ang pagtutuunan ng pansin?

Napaigtad ako nang makaramdam ng lamig sa mga balikat. It was Azar's hands massaging my shoulders. I heaved a deep sigh.

"Sabi mo nagt-take ka ng drug to control your blood lust. Puwede rin iyon sa kanila, 'di ba?"

"Yes... the drug was made by a friend, inaalok na niya 'yon sa gobyerno pero sabi ay kailangan pa 'yon pag-aralan," aniya. "But that won't do. It help us control our blood lust pero panandalian lang 'yon. Hahanap at hahanap pa rin kami ng dugo."

Binalingan ko siya. "Gano'n?"

He nodded. "Isa o dalawang beses sa isang linggo dapat kami umiinom. Kung hindi ay manghihina ang katawan namin at kapag na-dehydrate ay mamamatay."

He stood straight. Pinatong ko ang isang hita sa sofa at hinarap siya. Nilagay niya ang kaniyang mga kamay sa likod.

"Speaking of cure pala, kapag gumaling na ba sila ay mabubuhay pa rin? Ikaw? Some were dying before they turned into vampire," ani ko.

Kapag nahanap ba iyon, mabubuhay pa rin si Papa? He was dying.

Tumango siya. "Oo, pero tatanda."

Bumaba ang tingin ko. Vampires stopped aging and if they would turn human again, doon na makikita ang katandaan nila depende kung ilang taon na sila. In Azar's case, he's just thirty-two so, he wouldn't age that much, right? But he's different. Kapag naging tao siya, hindi ko alam kung mabubuhay siya gayong wala naman siyang puso.

I sighed and sat properly. Why did I think of that? Of course! Kung ayaw niyang mamatay, manatili siya bilang bampira habambuhay!

"Hindi ka naman mamamatay, 'di ba?" mababa ang boses ko.

"If I die, what would you feel?"

"I'll be broken," balewala kong sagot.

Tumawa siya at umalis. Iiling-iling na kinuha ko ang cellphone sa mesa at binuksan ang mga mensahe roon. I opened the first one. 

Mama Astrid:

Come home tonight.

I replied okay without question.

Ang sunod ay ang kay Mallory naman. It was sent to many. Natawa ako sa nabasa.

Mallory:

Guys, I'll leave the country for the meantime. A solo trip to New York because I'm rich and bored. 

Ako:

Take care!

I scrolled down for other messages. Some were just from my friends and previous exes. Binura ko ang hindi mga importante at nabasa na pero natigil ang hintuturo ko sa pangalan ni Azar. Ang huling mensahe niya ay noong inaya niya ako sa bahay niya roon sa parking lot ng mall.

Napatitig ako roon. Why did I follow him again? Bakit sa tingin ko ay naging marupok ako?

"Babe! Get ready! We're going somewhere!" Si Azar iyon.

Lumipad sa bungad ng kusina ang mga mata ko. My forehead knotted when he went out with a bag, he was busy putting something inside.

"What's that?"

Bumaling siya sa akin. "Food. May pupuntahan tayo."

"Now?"

Tumango siya at sinukbit sa balikat ang naturang bagay.

"Your clothes are fine, let's go..." aniya at nauna ng lumabas.

My upper lip rose up. Hindi man lang ako hinintay! Tumayo ako at lumakad sa salamin. I took a shower after I woke up but I'm wearing the same jeans I wore yesterday! Tapos tee shirt niyang ginupit ko pa ang manggas dahil malaki.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa shirt bago sa sinturon ng suot kong pantalon. I unclasped it before unzipping my jeans and tucked in the shirt. Umawang ang bibig ko nang tumama sa metal ng sinturon ang daliri ko. Naabutan ako ni Azar sa ganoong posisyon. My other hand holding my jeans and the other was inside it with my lips parted.

 "What?" I asked when he looked at me weirdly.

Tumikhim siya. "Just continue what you're doing," he looked away. "May kukunin lang ako sa taas."

After that, he left. His head on the side. His reaction was a bit strange. Tiningnan ko ang sarili sa salamin para lang mapaatras. Agad kong hinugot ang kamay mula sa loob.

Uminit ang pisngi ko. Bakit ba kasi may pag-awang pa akong nalalaman?! I looked like I was doing myself! With parted lips! Iyon siguro ang dahilan kung bakit hindi makatingin sa akin si Azar. Sa huli ay minadali ko ang pag-ayos sa sarili at lumabas ng bahay bago pa man niya ako maabutan. Sumakay na agad ako sa kaniyang sasakyan.

Isa pa, bakit naman niya naisip na di-no-do ko ang sarili? Sa harap pa talaga ng salamin? Sa lugar kung saan makikita niya ako?

O baka ako lang itong nag-iisip ng kung ano?

Nagtago ako sa upuan nang gumalaw bahagya ang sasakyan. May nilagay siya roon sa compartment sa likod. It was just seconds before he appeared and opened the driver seat. Inayos ko ang sarili bago pa man siya makapasok.

Taas-noo akong tumingin sa unahan.

"Where are we going?" seryoso kunwari ang boses ko.

I saw him glanced at me on my peripheral vision.

"Somewhere," ang tanging sagot niya. Binuhay na niya ang sasakyan at nagsimula ng magmaneho.

Lumingon na ako sa kaniya. "I wasn't touching myself when you saw me in that position," sabi ko. "Nag-tuck in lang ako ng damit, itong shirt, kaya nasa loob ng jeans ko ang kamay ko," hinawakan ko pa ang damit at hinila gamit ang hintuturo at hinalalaki ko.

"I didn't say anything," aniya. Ngumuso pa siya roon ng kaunti.

Umismid ako. "Your reaction says otherwise."

"I'm sorry," his voice was calm. "My mind went green. I knew you weren't touching yourself, but the face you made... I can't help but think wildly."

"Everything about you is green," he chuckled at my remarks. "My finger was hurt! I was about to say ouch but your reaction stopped me." Humalukipkip ako pagkatapos magsalita.

"Okay, I believe you."

"You don't," madiin kong sinabi.

"I do," aniya.

I rolled my eyes and didn't bother to talk. Sumandal ako sa upuan at pumikit. Memories from last night flashed in my mind. The thought of having someone whom I can talk to was different. I felt safe with him. Para bang kahit ano ang mangyari, nariyan siya.

I don't know why I felt that way. I forget all the things that go around in my mind if we're together. Like nothing matters. Like nothing bothers me.

I opened my eyes and tilted my head to looked at him. He was touching his lower lip with his fingers, one hand resting on the steering wheel. Sa daan lang ang tingin niya.

Nang sumulyap siya sa akin ay ngumiti lang ako, hindi iniiwas ang tingin sa kaniya. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

"Why are you staring?"

"Nothing," nakangiti kong sagot sa kaniya.

"Stop it," aniya.

"Why?"

"Naiilang ako," sabay tawa niya.  "The way you stare made me think that I'm the most beautiful creature you've ever laid your eyes on to."

Humalakhak ako. Nanatili pa rin ako sa ganoong posisyon at pinagmasdan siya. Hindi na siya mapakali sa kinauupuan dahil doon. I know staring is rude but his beauty really amazed me. The Western looked type. Hard and strong. His physique was the first thing that caught me. It attracts me. 

I bit my lower lip. "Why did you choose me that night?"

The car went faster. Hindi ko iyon pinansin.

"Well, while I was thinking seriously about the woman who pissed me off at the restaurant, I suddenly got horny watching you dance wildly in the crowd."

"Really? Inis ka sa 'kin dahil sa pabango ko?" sabi ko inaalala ang reaksiyon niya noong una kaming magkita.

He licked his lower lip and nodded. "Ikaw? I'm sure you have a long list of ex-lovers and men waiting for their turn, why me?"

"You're hot, that was it. Your touch sent me on fire I can't help but play with it."

"Was I the only hot man who captivated you?"

Umayos ako ng upo at nginisihan siya. "No. My curiosity and your appearance led me to you," sinabi ko.

Bumagal ang takbo ng sasakyan hanggang tuluyan ng tumigil. I looked outside the window. I didn't find any spot that caught my interest. Sa kaliwa at kanang bahagi ay kakahuyan naman. Saan ba talaga kami pupunta?

Narinig ko ang pagbukas at sara ng pinto sa driver seat. I glanced at Azar before opening the door beside me and went out. Sinilip ko siya mula sa bubong ng sasakyan.

"Ano? Saan tayo pupunta?"

Narinig ko ang ingay ng susi. Tinungo niya ang likod ng sasakyan at binuksan ang compartment doon sabay kuha ng malaking bag. Sinara ko na lang ang pinto bago lumapit at tumabi sa kaniya.

"Camp?" I asked.

I received no response. But then, no response is a response.

Umilag ako nang muntik na akong matamaan ng bag nang isukbit niya ito sa kaniyang balikat. He faced me and threw something towards me. Agad ko iyon sinalo. Namilog ang mata ko nang mabasa ang label doon.

"Azar!" I shouted.

Huli na ng itapon ko siya sa loob ng compartment dahil naisara na niya iyon. Tumalbog lang ito pababa. Umatras ako at tiningnan ang box ng condom doon na nahulog sa lupa. Hindi pa iyon nabubuksan.

I palm my forehead. Ano bang reaksiyon iyon, Emory?

Naiinis kong tiningnan si Azar na tumawa sa harap ko. He was trying his best not to laugh but failed. In the end, he bit his lower lip to stop himself from laughing.

"I hate you," I uttered before getting the box from the ground. Pinagpagan ko iyon. "And this is for? Hindi ka naman gumagamit nito tuwing may nangyayari sa atin noon. What changed?"

Slowly, his smile faded. Natulala ako dahil doon. Kumurap ako ng ilang beses.

"Don't tell me..." Pagak akong tumawa. "No, no. It's okay. It's not like I own you. Of course, you can do it with someone but since I'm here, I do not allow you to f**k someone else pa. If you did it last month, I understand."

Tumango-tango pa ako para sabihing ayos lang sa akin. Pero nang may maalala ay parang may sumuntok sa puso ko. Oo nga pala, hindi namin napag-usapan ang tungkol sa amin. Hindi ko naisip na baka ay ayaw na niya sa binuo naming set up noon. Why did I think he would still accept me? I should have think of possibilities. What ifs.

I don't even know if he wanted me to be just his friend or with benefits.

"Are you still up? Sa arrangement natin. I'm sorry if I came to you like I didn't leave," mahinahon kong sinabi.

Nakatayo lang siya roon. Seryoso ang kaniyang mukha na tinitigan ako. I didn't move an inch. Holding the box of condom in my tummy, I stared back.

"Why did you suddenly bring that up? Hindi pa ba malinaw?"

"I'm just you know... naguguluhan. I didn't think of your opinion about this. Me coming back, me expecting more about just being your wholesome friend. I don't know," may pagkumpas ako ng kamay roon.

Maybe his wholesomeness last night made me think this way. He didn't touch or even kissed me! How am I supposed to think?

He sighed deeply and turned his head on the side before looking at me.

"We have a bit of walking to do first, shall we?"

Umiling ako. "Hindi ako mag-e-enjoy sa kung saan tayo pupunta ngayon kung hindi mo sasagutin ang tanong ko."

Bumuga siya ng malalim na hangin. He moved forward and I just found him kissing me thoroughly. Hindi ako gumalaw kahit nang lumayo siya sa akin.

He smiled slightly. "I'm sure you know my answer, let's go."

Does that mean our arrangement is still up? A smile made its way to my lips as we walked along the flattened grass. He was leading and I just followed like a good girl into the woods. We both stay quiet for most of the walk except my few complaints about the branches blocking my way. Kaya naman inalis niya ang mga iyon na nadaanan niya para hindi na marinig ang reklamo ko.

A few moments later we emerge from the woods to a river. It's quite big and looks pretty deep. We walked to the bank and he dropped the bag there. 

"This is beautiful..." I whispered under my breath as I roamed my eyes around.

The river was a skyline silver and the atmosphere was very quiet and soothing. It was window clear, peaceful, and still as a statue. The only sounds were the swoosh caused by the gentle wind and the rustling of leaves in the trees, then birds chirping.

Nilingon ko si Azar na nilalabas na ang gamit doon. He actually brought two bags, one big and small. Tinulungan ko na siya roon sa paglatag ng picnic mat at kahit sa paglabas ng dinala niyang pagkain. As usual, healthy foods.

"You should have told me we're going to a place like this. Sana ay nagdala ako ng extra shirt mo para may masuot ako," ani ko.

"I brought everything you need."

Nahiya ako roon. "Sana ay sinabi mo kasi. I felt like you're serving me, Azar. I don't like it," I shook my head.

"I'm spoiling you and this is supposed to be a surprise," he shrugged and stood.

Dinungaw ko siya mula sa pagkakaupo ko sa mat. He pulled his shirt over his head revealing his well-defined abs. Binigay niya sa akin ang damit at pinatong ko naman iyon sa hita ko. He bent down to untie his shoes.

"Wear that shirt if you're going to swim," sinabi niya.

Ngumuso ako. "Smell you."

He smirked after removing his shoes. "My shirt belongs to me, you wearing that means you're mine," medyo seryoso niyang sinabi.

"Damit mo naman ang suot ko ngayon."

"Iyong hinubad ko ang suotin mo," sabi niya.

Umiwas ako ng tingin nang sa zipper ng pantalon niya dumako ang kaniyang kamay. Inamoy ko ang damit niya bago tumayo. Tuluyan na niyang hinubad ang kaniyang pang-ibaba. He is now in his boxer briefs, the dark grey material is tight against his body.

"Talikod ka," utos ko sa kaniya.

"What?"

Umirap ako. "I said, tumalikod ka."

Ginawa nga niya iyon. Inutusan ko siyang huwag munang lumingon hangga't wala akong sinasabi. I stripped my clothes and wear his shirt. Pinagpagan ko iyon.

"Done," ani ko.

He turned around to face me. I brushed my hair with my fingers as I let him feast on my body. Hanggang gitna ng tuhod ko ang kaniyang damit.

Tumikhim siya. "You're not wearing a bra?"

Tipid akong tumango.

He faked a cough. "You should eat first. Tinapay lang ang kinain mo kanina. I bet you're hungry."

I glanced at the mat. Uminit ang pisngi ko nang masilayan ang condom doon na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng bag na nasa tabi lang ng picnic mat. Maingat akong umupo at pinasok iyon sa loob.

"Well, join me."

Umiling lang siya at tumungo sa dulo ng bangko. Nag-dive siya roon. Hindi ko na siya pinagtuunan pa ng pansin. I just ate and it took me minutes to finish the food. Pagkatapos ay umupo ako sa dulo ng bangko at binabad ang paa sa ilog.

"Azar, I have a question."

"Fire it."

"Why do you not want to commit?"  I asked seriously.

I can see the drops of water falling from his black hair. His expression was serious as he pushes his soaked hair back and wipes his face with one hand.

"Because you don't want it," he answered.

"Ayoko."

Tumawa lang siya. "Why not?"

"Let me rephrase my question. Why people don't want to commit?"

"Well, fear is often the main reason why people can't commit to relationships. Fear from a previous relationship that went wrong, grew up in a broken family, or a fear of losing one's independence."

"Maybe we're just both afraid of the responsibilities that come with commitment..." sinabi ko.

"The expected responsibilities as a partner, yes..."

I've never been in a serious relationship because I'm someone who loves freedom more than anything else. I thought of the happiness I know would be taken away from me. The inconsistency of feelings. The fear of getting left behind. The pain...

It's just scary. Infinite whys follow if one decided to end everything.

"How about you? Aside from fear and you're not ready, what else?"

"I'd like to commit when I'm sure about my feelings towards someone. The last love, ganoon. I don't want to enter multiple relationships kasi paulit-ulit na lang. Back to zero. I would tell my story again, again, and again. It's not like I want to broadcast my life, 'di ba? It's tiring."

He let out a chuckle. People have their own reasons and I also have mine. Hindi ko lang alam ang kaniya.

I stared at him. "Is it possible for a heartless vampire like you to fall in love?"