Taste of Poison

Kabanata 21

Cuddle

"Do you want me to continue?" Azar asked in a low voice. Ilang segundo ko siyang tiningnan bago tipid na ngumiti.

"Hindi na. I think those informations were enough..."

"Enough to?"

"Enough to not see him," I looked away. "I just wanted to confirm if he's really my father, Azar. Wala ng dahilan pa para kilalanin siya ng higit pa roon."

I already did my part. He may be don't know about our existence, still, he should've done something about it but he didn't.

Besides, he has a new family. A daughter... I don't want to add up to his responsibilities as a father. Though I won't deny the pang of pain that slowly building inside me, I think I'm better off without him.

I mean, who needs him if I lived well for two decades and fifth without his presence?

I smiled weakly. "It's okay, right? Not seeing him, or him not knowing about me..."

He stared at me for a second. "Are you okay though?"

I rolled my tongue over my lips. I swallowed hard.

"Bakit naman hindi, Azar? I'm okay, really. There's a bit of pain but bearable naman. I'm just... I don't know. Happy because he's alive? Or sad because he didn't find ways to know about his children's existence?"

"You'll be okay..." he said.

Binaba niya ang hawak na papel sa lamesa at umisod palapit sa akin. Then I felt his cold body covered mine.

Ipinatong ko ang baba sa kaniyang balikat.

"You're with me, right?"

He caressed my hair. "Always..."

"Thank you," mahina kong sinabi.

I felt like I lose two people today. My mother... whom I can't trust now, and my father. Hindi ko alam kung saan o kung kanino pa ako tutungo bukod kay Az. Wala na akong mapagkatiwalaan pa bukod sa kaniya.

I can't tell why I trust him this much.

Humiwalay ako sa yakap. "So, any plans? I'm your girlfriend now. You and me... couple..." Pinagdikit ko ang dalawang hintuturo.

"Let's talk about it first, though. Harapan mo akong inangkin, Emory..." medyo paos niyang sinabi.

"Well, I realized kasi na gusto kitang maging boyfriend kaya..." nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"You love me..."

Tumango ako. "That... and because you're Azar Saint Laurent, kaya nais kitang..." natigil ako sa pagsasalita. "We've talked about this already. Hindi pa ba tayo tapos sa usaping ito?"

Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "I just wanted to hear it again. Over and over again."

Nagtaas din ako ng kilay. "So? May magbabago ba sa nararamdaman mo? You're heartless, literally."

Bigla siyang tumayo at nagpagpag ng kamay. Dinungaw ko siya ng tingin na ngayon ay nakangusong tumalikod mula sa akin. Sinubukan ko siyang silipin ngunit todo naman ang pag-iwas niya. Natatawa akong umiling.

"Para kang bata..." I commented.

He glanced at me through his shoulder. "Your baby?"

"My baby..." sabay tawa ko.

Hindi ko matukoy kung sino sa aming dalawa ang mabilis magbago ng mood pero mabuti na rin iyon. I don't want to think of anything that would ruin my day.

He shook his head but there was a sly smile playing on his lips.

"I love you..."

"I know..." pagsakay ko, nakangisi.

Kailangan ko yatang masanay sa ganito. Azar saying I love you is actually... meaningless. Yet it made my heart jumps in happiness.

Nababaliw na nga yata ako.

How can I still be happy knowing those words were nothing for him? Walang laman na emosyon. Maybe I would just try to engrave in my heart and soul that this man... my man loves just the idea of me. Mas mabuti iyon 'kesa naman na ni isang parte ng sistema niya ay hindi ako mahal o kahit gusto man lang.

Mas mabuti na siguro iyon 'kesa ang isipin ko pa na siya ang crush ko na hindi ako kayang i-crush back.

Tumayo ako para itulak siya mula sa kaniyang likuran. Nagpatianod naman siya sa aking ginawa. 

"So... Any plans inside that beautiful mind of yours, luv?" I asked, still pushing him to nowhere.

"How about we lay down on my bed? Minus our clothes?"

"Ah, binyag sa first day nating dalawa na magka-relasyon?" Natatawa kong tanong.

His deep chuckles filled my ears. "Let's put it that way, hmm? Besides, today is our first day! Maybe we should at least celebrate it?"

Sinilip ko siya. "Do we also need to celebrate our upcoming monthsaries? Or anniversaries?"

"Do you want us to?"

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling.

"Well... You're my first official boyfriend, but it doesn't mean naman na kailangan nating i-celebrate ang relasyon natin every month. I'd like to celebrate anniversaries instead of monthsaries."

"We could do that..." Natigil ang pagtulak ko sa kaniya.

"Pumapayag ka?"

Humarap siya sa akin. Bahagya akong tumingala upang pagmasdan ang kaniyang reaksiyon pero ang nakangiting Az lamang ang aking nakita.

He seems genuine. I mean, I don't think men likes to celebrate such events. Especially Azar.

What does it even mean for them?

"Why not? You're my girlfriend. Mas tama lang naman siguro na ibigay ko ang gusto mo?"

I averted my gaze. "Ang unfair naman kasing isipin..."

"Unfair?"

"E, kasi..." Ngumuso ako. "Kapag nag-celebrate tayo, ako lang ang masaya..."

"Ah? So, you think I'm not happy?"

"Are you?" Baling ko sa kaniya.

Umiling siya. "No... But my mind says yes, I'm happy, Emory..."

I stared at him. Why should I stay? The world is just so unfair. Can we just go back to the time when the virus wasn't still created? Nang sa gayon ay walang bampira... at walang bampirang Azar.

Maybe he's still a human. Siguro ay may nararamdaman siya kahit huwag na para sa akin.

Or since not all vampires were heartless... Can we just turn back the time when his heart was still intact?

Humakbang ako palapit sa kaniya. With hands still on my sides, I leaned on to his chest, silently praying.

Marahan kong ipinikit ang mga mata. Gusto kong may marinig kahit alam kong wala.

"What happened to you?" bulong ko sa kaniyang puso.

I wanted to know what made his heart stopped from beating. Ngunit sa tingin ko ay masyado pang maaga para imungkahi niya sa akin ang lahat ng tungkol sa kaniya.

Nevertheless, I'm willing to wait until he decided to tell me something about his heart.

I raised my hand and poked his chest with my finger.

"Kahit siguro dumating ang oras na sobra na kitang mahal, hindi pa rin ito titibok para sa akin..."

"Emory..." Hinuli niya ang aking kamay.

I opened my eyes to looked at him. I smiled slightly. Hindi na naman ako umaasa dahil imposibleng mabuhay ang puso niyang literal na namatay. But why?

Bakit sa lahat ng bampira, siya pa ang nawalan ng buhay? Does his blood has something to do with it? Or did something happened in the past that killed his heart?

A stake, maybe! I don't know. I wanted to know!

"It's okay, luv... I'm okay..." I assured him.

Unang araw pa lang ng relasyon namin pero pakiramdam ko ay may tinik na nakabaon sa aking puso. Unang araw pa lang... What more for the following days?

Iisipin ko ba nang iisipin ang kaniyang sitwasyon? Was I sure about my feelings? O baka nadala lamang ako ng emosyon?

Sapat ba ang pagmamahal na mayroon ako para sa kaniya upang manatili habambuhay?

God, we just started! Why do I have to think of these things?! I accepted it! But why do I keep on thinking about my future with him?

Are my hands willing to hold the roses full of thorns?

"We'll see where this relationship would lead us to, Emory."

If I'm wondering where our relationship is going, do I even know where I want it to go? I don't have any slightest idea but, I'm sure of one thing.

Azar makes me happy. That's all that matters to me now.

I mentally shook my head. I shouldn't think about tomorrow or the future. Mas mainam na harapin ko kung anuman ang mayroon kami ngayon ni Azar.

Him and me... couple.

Bahagya akong lumayo sa kaniya at ginawaran siya ng malaking ngiti.

Don't worry about tomorrow, Emory.

"We'll see... And if I turned thirty and we're still together, I would marry you."

Tipid siyang tumango. "Anywhere and anytime you want, luv..."

I smiled. I don't know what our future holds. But I'm certain that our future depends upon our choices. I don't know where my life will take me. Pero handa akong magpatangay sa agos ng tubig at tatanggapin ko kung saan man ako nito dadalhin.

As long as we're together, my heart would be at ease.

"Do you want to see my room?"

Napakurap ako. "Your room?"

He hummed. "My room... I'm thinking if you could bless it with your sexy moans."

I shot my brow. "Sorry, passed..."

He chuckled. "I will try to keep my hands to myself, luv."

"Really?" Sarkasmo kong tugon.

"I just wanted..." he scratched his nape. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

"A cuddle, luv. A cuddle..."

I bit the side of my cheek. This what I noticed to him. Azar is a sucker for cuddles. Even after our sexy times, or nights, he would wrap his arms around me and embraced me as if his life depends on it.

I liked this side of him, really...

"But I need to go back to the company, Az..." seryoso kong sinabi.

"Oh..."

Tumango ako. "Parang ang dami kong time. I'm still a normal person, Az. Kumakayod para mabuhay."

"I can provide you that..."

"You're my boyfriend and not my bank account."

"Well... I didn't mean that way," sabay iling niya.

Pinagpagan ko ang kaniyang dibdib.

"Maybe after my work? Friday naman ngayon. You can have me tonight until Sunday night. Iyon naman ang schedule natin palagi, 'di ba?" Sabi ko.

He looked away then, pouted his lips. "I will fetch you after work."

"Of course, you can..."

He tsked. "I can now?"

Kumunot ang aking noo. "Puwede naman anytime, ah?"

"You didn't let me fetch you last, last week..."

Mas lalo yatang kumunot ang aking noo. Is he going to start a fight?

Noong nakaraan kasi ay hindi ako nagpapasundo sa kaniya hangga't makalipad siya papuntang ibang bansa. I thought he was okay about it since we never really talk about it. Besides, he's not obliged to do it anyway. Hindi naman ako nagde-demand ng kahit ano. Siya lang talaga itong maraming isyu sa buhay.

"I thought everything was clear before you went to New York?" Nalilito kong tanong.

Bumaling siya sa akin at umismid. "I don't know. I'm just... it's irritating. Tinatanggihan mo ako palagi tuwing susunduin kita. I couldn't help but think of something..."

"Like what?"

His brows furrowed. 'Tsaka siya tumingin sa akin na nangungusap ang mga mata.

"Mabaho ba ang sasakyan ko? Is my car not big enough? I brought a new one... A bigger car."

Namilog ang aking mga mata. He did what?! And his questions were hilarious! How could he think of that? His car actually smells good. Isa pa, hindi pa siya roon naka-move on? That was weeks ago!

He was busy and even if he's not human, I knew he needs rest, too. Kaya hindi na ako nag-abala pa na abalahin siya dahil alam kong may mas importante pa siyang gagawin 'kesa sa akin.

Unti-unting kumawala ang tawa sa akin.

He looked so innocent! So cute.

"Emory..." he warned.

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from laughing.

"I can't believe you..." hingal kong sinabi sa kaniya, natatawa pa rin. "You really did that? Luv, seriously..."

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "Why are you laughing? Because of you, my mind wandered to different dimensions!" Singhal niya.

"I didn't... Gosh..." I can't even finish a sentence!

Mabuti at nagpa-fuction pa ang kaniyang isipan! Kung hindi ay iisipin kong isang robot ang aking karelasyon. God, why is he so cute?

"Where's your new car?" I asked. "Baka puwedeng ibalik pa iyon?"

He just wasted his money for nothing.

Hindi pa rin siya makatingin sa akin ng diretso. I could see his ears turning red. Mas lalo ring kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

"Luv..." tawag ko sa kaniya. "Don't sulk. Kung gusto mo ay ihatid mo ako pauwi, o sunduin after my work starting now. Pero hindi mo naman obligasyon 'yon..." usal ko.

Ngumuso siya. "I just wanted to be the best man for you..."

"Azarius..."

"Hindi ko maiwasan," sabay tumingin siya sa akin. "I'm not human, Emory. I'm a vampire and unlike them, I don't have a heart. My heart doesn't beat, I can't feel anything no matter what I do..." his voice was calm.

I can feel the pain through his eyes. Hindi ko alam pero iyon ang aking nakikita. His mind works for everything, and I actually don't have any idea how to comfort him.

"Azar..." I held his hands. "Look at me, luv..."

He took a deep breath. Bahagya kong pinisil ang kaniyang mga kamay.

"We just started, luv... And even if you're heartless, I will still be here. I'm always with you, remember that."

Nang hindi siya tumingin sa akin ay inangat ko ang kamay para hawakan ang kaniyang baba. Pagkatapos ay pinilit ko siyang tingnan ako sa mata.

"Kagatin mo ako kung aalis man ako sa tabi mo, Az. Bite me, drink my blood... or drain me. Do that once I turn my back on you."

Saglit na nagningas ang kaniyang mga mata. Napakurap siya't muling nag-iwas ng tingin.

Binaba ko ang kamay.

"Azarius..." I called again. 

Hindi ko matukoy ang kaniyang iniisip. We've been together for months, and it seems that he's doubting my feelings for him.

Marahil ay hindi niya pa ako lubos na pinaniniwalaan. Siguro ay naiisip niyang sa simula lang ang lahat ng ito. Na hindi ako ang tipo ng babae na mananatili sa tabi niyang alam kong hindi ako maaambunan ng pagmamahal.

Kung sakali man na iyon nga ang bumabagabag sa kaniyang isipan, parang gusto ko siyang batukan at sakmalin sa inis.

How could he doubt my feelings? Hindi ako mananatili ng ilang buwan sa kaniya kung laro lang ang lahat ng ito para sa akin.

I wouldn't risk my life playing with fire. He's a vampire while me? Just a mere human who fell in love with him.

"Emory..." tawag niya nang muli akong yumakap sa kaniya.

Sa pagkakataong ito ay nakatingin na siya sa akin.

I was looking up to him, my arms around his waist, as my lips stretched to form a smile.

"I love you, Azarius Saint Laurent. Your heart doesn't beat, so let my heartbeat for you, luv..." 

Bahagya akong tumingkayad upang kintalan ng halik ang kaniyang labi na animo'y nang-aakit sa pula.

Mariin siyang pumikit. Nang muli siyang magmulat ay ginawaran niya ako ng isang ngiti. I smiled too, even when I know better than his smiles.

Of course, he's heartless. Pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay panatag na siya. By the looks of his face, I know his mind was still wandering.

I don't want him to think of anything about being my perfect boyfriend. Nobody's perfect... we all have our own flaws and his, I accepted it wholeheartedly.

"I wish I could say the same..." sabi niya sa mahinang boses.

I pinched his toned back. "Sabi mo we should celebrate our official first day as boyfriend and girlfriend. Should we proceed to our plans for today, hmm?"

Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang braso na pumulupot sa aking beywang. Then, he pulled me closer to him. I couldn't help but let out a chuckle when I felt him sniffed my hair. He rest his head over my shoulder and later buried his face in my neck.

I felt him tightened his hold as if he doesn't want to let go.

I gently tapped his back, assuring him.

"It's Friday... should we go clubbing?" biro ko.

"Do you want to?" He asked, still hugging me tight.

Bahagya akong umiling. "Peaceful place, maybe? Gusto kitang masolo."

"In my house?"

"Well, your new place?"

"Would you bless it with your..."

I rolled my eyes. "Ang horny mo..." sabi ko.

"I can keep my hands to myself but, with you... Luv, I always lose my control."

Naramdaman ko ang munting halik sa gilid ng aking leeg. I swallowed hard.

"B-babalik pa ako sa kompanya, remember?" Paalala kong muntikan ko na rin makalimutan.

But he just continued on showering my neck with his small kisses. Naramdaman ko pa ang bahagya nitong pamamasa dahil sa kaniyang masusuyong halik.

"Lumiban ka na lang muna ngayon..."

Ang plano ko half-day absent lang. But Azar is really turning me into a very, very bad girl. Noong isang araw ay lumiban din ako alinsunod sa kaniyang sinabi.

I mean, I was sick. Pero sinat lang naman iyon at kaya pang agapan but he was persistent.

"Bawal..." pabulong kong sinabi.

"You just told me that we should celebrate our first day. Paano naman natin iyon gagawin kung wala ka?"

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi. "E, 'di mamaya. After my work..."

"Pagod ka na no'n. I don't have a heart to..." bahagya siyang umiling. "I don't want to tire you, Emory. Alam kong busy ko for these past few days so, I won't."

"Tonight?" ani ko, hindi pinansin ang kaniyang sinabi.

Bahagya siyang humiwalay sa akin.

"Tomorrow..." his voice was stern.

"Tonight?"

His forehead knotted. "You really missed me that much?"

"Oo. Unfair nga, e..." tumaas ang kilay ko.

He sighed. "Tomorrow, Emory."

"Final na?"

Mas lalong kumunot ang kaniyang noo. "I mean, I will fetch you after your work. Then, tonight... A cuddle will do. Bukas na tayo mag-celebrate."

Ngumisi ako. "Just cuddle?"

"Emory..."

I shrugged. "Okay, noted. A cuddle with my luv tonight."