Savage Pride

29

She’d do it, too, but I can tell how much the idea pains her. She needs her vehicle just as much as Mom and Dad need their 4Runner, maybe even more because that’s her sole source of freedom. And my parents’ old SUV wouldn’t help—I doubt we could get a solid five grand for it. Plus, if we sold the car, we’d have to tell Dad, and I’m not even sure we could sell it before the end of the week. Gia didn’t say how much she gave to Mom, but it had to be sizable to empty her accounts. She’s done so much; the last thing I want to do is ask her to forfeit the car she spent years saving to buy. Livia and Marca don’t have any money, and I can’t think of anything else to sell. No matter how I look at it, I’m left with only one option. My eyes close, heavy with the weight of my decision. “You’ve already helped her enough. I’ll handle it.” The hollowness of my voice is an outward reflection of the emptiness I feel inside. Too many emotions war for dominance—rage, desperation, anguish. I can’t process them all at once, leaving me in a vacuous darkness. “What does that mean, Isa?” I open my eyes and meet her concerned gaze with resignation. “I’m going to use my school money to pay her debt. I have just enough saved to cover what she owes. Then I’m telling Mom we’re done bailing her out.” “Should we tell Dad? I feel like he should know.” “He would be humiliated if he knew we’d been covering for her, but I don’t want him hurt because of her either. If he doesn’t know what’s going on, he can’t protect himself.” A pounding headache starts to pulse at my temples. “We have a little time to think it through. Let’s not make any decisions on that yet.” Gia pulls me into her arms, but I can’t hug her back. A tidal wave of emotion threatens to drown me, and her affection will only draw it closer. “What does that mean for you and school? Will you still be able to finish?” I pull away and shrug. “It’s taken me forever to get this far. What’s one more year?” I put on a strong front because I have no other choice. On the inside, a part of me wants to scream and rage about the unfairness. “I’m going to head out and let you get back to work.” I need to be alone. I need a moment to come to terms with my decision because that’s what it is—a choice. I don’t have to pay off Mom’s debt. It’s my choice, and that means I can’t blame anyone but myself. That won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. I don’t want to carry a chip on my shoulder for the rest of my life, and the only way to be free of that is if I believe the decision was mine. “Okay, honey. We can talk more this evening.” I offer a broken smile before walking numbly from the room. I’m halfway to the lake before I even realize where I’m going. Nevio had talked about hanging out, and I have his number, but that’s not an option at the moment. I have no capacity to even think about Nevio or Zeno when my entire life is in the process of derailing. I have twelve thousand in savings—some from student loans, and some I’ve stashed away from each paycheck I’ve earned waitressing. Without that money, all my earnings would have to go toward rent, leaving me nothing for school. I would need all of my savings plus the three months of summer earnings in order to cover school and living expenses. There’s no way I can make ends meet now. I could look into getting more student aid, but I’ve tried so hard to keep my loans at a minimum and already stress about repayment. Not only would this add more debt to my total but I’d have to take out my standard amount plus a bunch more to cover the money I’d earned at work. I’d have to spend an entire year working to replenish my savings enough to take classes. The serene waterfront comes into view as something my sister said the first day I arrived plays in my mind. I could get used to working with you. With Anna gone, we’ll need to take on someone new. If I moved back home and worked at Hardwick, I’d be able to save up twice as quickly. I could take a single semester off and be back in classes by January. But at what cost? I’d lose my f*****g sanity living with Mom and Livia, not to mention I’d run into Zeno on a regular basis and have to deal with his infuriating arrogance. Isn’t finishing school worth it? It’s not forever. I heave out a breath, my shoulders slumping. My internal monologue leads me to the only logical decision. I have to suck it up and do what is needed to get me back on track as quickly as possible. I have to make Hardwick a part of my life again. OceanofPDF.com The glassy surface of the dark brown water shines with sunlight, reminding me of a storm cloud’s silver lining. The water isn’t crystal clear like the shores of the Caribbean. There’s moss and silt, and the fish within wouldn’t wow any children with their lackluster scales if displayed in an aquarium. But the lake is beautiful in its own way. The tall trees standing watch at its borders protect the water’s edge like soldiers out front of Buckingham Palace. They seem to recognize the intrinsic pricelessness of the water, though they have no eyes with which to experience its beauty. I lose myself pondering the wonders around me in an intentional effort to focus on the good parts of life so that I will not sink deep in the quicksand of despondency. Its spindly claws tug at my body each time my mind drifts back to my situation. Each time I think of calling my would-be roommate and letting her know I have to back out of my promise to sublet the room in her apartment. Each time I consider calling the school registrar and asking for a hold on my status as an active student. Each time I resolve to ring my boss and inform her that I won’t be coming back. Disappointment lives and breathes inside me, but I will not let it take over. Something about the permanence of the lake gives me a wealth of reassurance. These few months that I’m stressing about are but a single season of rainfall to a body of water that has existed for possibly centuries. It’s a welcome reminder that a handful of months out of what I hope will be a long and happy life will hardly be memorable in the long run.