Savage Pride

30

Performing mental gymnastics to keep the proper perspective helps to some extent. I have assured myself that the world isn’t ending, but I’m still not in a great headspace. “Please, don’t.” The rumbling command startles me for the hundredth time today. If this keeps up, I’m going to need a pacemaker to keep my heart from giving out. I whip around to find Zeno standing not ten feet behind me. “What?” He’s clearly talking to me, as there’s no one else around, but I have no idea what he means. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were contemplating drowning yourself in the lake.” My eyes drift back to the surface of the water. “I’m surprised you wouldn’t cheer me on,” I mutter. “Why would you say that?” The frustration I’d had on a leash is suddenly wriggling free, hissing at me to say brash, hurtful things. “Because every time I’m near you, I get the sense you wish I’d disappear.” Tears burn at the back of my eyes. I try to regain the control I thought I’d mastered minutes before, but I’m swimming out of my depths with no idea where the shore has gone. “I’m sorry,” I clip, attempting to minimize the damage I’m doing. “I’ve got a lot going on.” Why is he suddenly interested in starting a conversation? Of all the times to play nice and talk civilly, he has to choose the moment I’m at my lowest. I can sense the heat of his gaze studying me—assessing and analyzing—when all I want is to be invisible. “Is everything all right, Luisa?” Do I detect a note of genuine concern in the mellow hum of his voice? I look back at him, but his face is stoic as ever. Why is he even here? I can’t imagine he was walking by the lake in the middle of the day and just happened by me, though no other explanation appears any more or less probable. “I’m fine.” I wave him off, then peer back at him. “But since you’re here, I have something to ask you.” Might as well hit him up for a job while he’s in a relatively decent mood. “My plans have recently changed, and I’ll be staying with my parents a while longer than expected. Gia mentioned that Anna would need to be replaced, so I was wondering, if you’re okay with it, if I could take the job. It wouldn’t be forever, but I could really use the money until the end of the year.” I struggle to hold his gaze. It shouldn’t matter what he thinks, but it does. I hate for him to see me moving back with my parents and groveling for a job. Z steps closer; his position uphill from me magnifies his already imposing height. Light reflects off the water, making his cobalt eyes almost cerulean. His irises have always had a touch more green than mine, and the effect in this light is breathtaking. “Has something happened?” His assertive nature urges me to spill my guts. It’s tempting, but word of my mother’s debt getting out is exactly what I’m trying to avoid. “No, it’s nothing to worry about. Some things didn’t line up as I’d expected.” Maybe I’m reading into it, but I swear his face is lined with conflict, as though he’s torn about helping me. The resistance I detect raises my defenses. “Look, you don’t need to feel obligated. It’s not a big deal. I can find a job somewhere else.” “Stop.” Zeno’s barked command silences me instantly. “Don’t assume to know what I’m thinking because you don’t. I want to help you, but I’m concerned about my brother.” “What about him?” Is it true? Is he worried Nevio might form an attachment to me and shame his family? Z moves even closer until only a foot of space remains between us. His nearness sucks up all the oxygen in the area, leaving me breathless and dizzy. “I’ve seen the way he watches you. His track record with women is … let’s say he’s not great at sticking around. I don’t want you to get swept up in that.” He wants me to think he’s protecting me, but is that the truth? Or are his motives more selfish? “I appreciate you trying to protect me, or whatever this is, but your concern is unnecessary.” And unwanted. “Nevio is a friend, and that’s it. But even more importantly, I’m an adult who can make relationship decisions on my own.” The slight furrow of his brows and pursing of his lips tell me he’s not convinced. My threadbare patience unravels along with my hold over my emotions. I sense tears threatening on the horizon and know I need to get away from him before the storm hits. “Look, you can trust my judgment and give me the job or not, but whether I do something with your brother is none of your damn business.” Zeno stiffens at my rebuke. “He’s my brother and a soldier under my command. I don’t need you to tell me what is and isn’t my business.” My lips snap shut. “You’re right. He’s your family, despite how you treat him.” “Do you want the job or not?” Each word is clipped and sharp, spoken between clenched teeth. I hold my ground, not allowing my gaze to waver, but I realize I’m jeopardizing the plan that will get me back to school the quickest. With that in mind, I inhale slowly before speaking calmly. “I do.” “I’ll tell my mother you’re staying on.” The bitter cold of his reply stings, though I brought it on myself. I can’t be angry because it achieves what I need. Our conversation is over. I hold perfectly still as he turns and walks away. A sob is clawing its way up my throat from deep inside me, and if I make the tiniest move, it will burst free while he is near enough to hear. Using the last of my mental energy, I hold tight to my reins until I’m certain he’s gone, then I allow the emotions to drag me under. Hiding my face in my hands, I attempt to suffocate the sound from my uncontrollable weeping. Heaving breaths wrack my chest, and my shoulders curve in as my legs threaten to give out. For long minutes, I come undone. Six years of hard work, and I was so close to being done. So close to achieving my goals. It’s only a delay, but no matter how much I try to package the turn of events in shiny paper and colorful bows, it still sucks. And no matter how many times I tell myself this is my choice and it’s what I want, I’m still heartbroken over it. Someone has extended the finish line of my marathon, and after all the running I’ve already done, those last few meters feel like an eternity.