When She Cries

Stage Three: Disappointment

Couples at this stage spend about a year working out their differences in an effort to get to a place of stability. Reality continues to sets in, both of you have likely thoughts on whether to stay or break up. Without strong communication, and trust couples are unlikely to advance past this stage.

Here I am, wasted and wounded while I watch him in his deep slumber. I can't sleep, nor can take sleeping next to him. Fear sets in, I kept thinking if I close my eyes for a second maybe I won't be able to open it again. I tried to stand up, but my legs hurt so bad that I eventually fell down on the floor. I slowly lift my whole weight and headed to the bathroom.

I am in front of the mirror. I can see a woman with messy hair, bruises all over the face, and swollen cheeks. I can't help but cry, I can no longer recognize myself with all these wounds. I blamed myself for having kept it this long, for not having been honest with him the moment I knew about it. Tears started to fall, and I breakdown. Memories of me from the past of how happy I was, being with my family and friends came rushing in. I was gasping my breath and tried to calm myself down, I can't afford to wake him up and see me crying. I gently washed my face and fixed my hair. I got the pillow and the extra sheets, placed it on the floor, and decided to lie down. Hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to wake up with no memories of what happened.

I woke up to the sound of a door slammed, Gino just went out of the room. He must have been preparing breakfast since I can smell something cooking from the kitchen. I can't get up, the pain I felt continues to cause me discomfort. I checked my phone to checked the time. I took a shower, I clean the broken pieces of my laptop and went to lie back in bed. I can't walk properly, and I was having a hard time even moving up the bed.

Then I heard footsteps from outside the door. Gino went inside bringing a tray, placed it on my bedside table. And sat beside me on the bed. I can see tears started to fell down from his cheeks, he was sobbing. " What did I just do. " He continued crying, held my hand, " Bella, I just don't like the feeling of being lied at, I wasn't able to control myself. I love you, and it was not my intention to hurt you. I don't know, I can't understand. I'm not a violent person, I just wasn't able to control my hands and my emotions, all I was thinking is that you fooled me for a month. I'm so sorry. I admit, it's my fault, what I did is not rational. Please forgive me." He hugged me so tight, I can feel my shirt drenched in his tears. I don't know how to react. I'm in deep pain, but it was this first time, maybe I did deserve the beating. He shouldn't be blaming himself. It was my fault, I deserved this. He apologized, so I guess he did not do it intentionally, if I'll just be honest, maybe things, like last night, won't happen again. I love him, I tried to understand his actions, and blame myself for how he reacted.

I held his face, " You don't have to apologize, It's my fault. I understand that you reacted that way, what's important is you sincerely apologize. These are just bruises, it will heal. Don't worry, I totally understand. I'm so sorry, for hiding it from you for a month, I just don't know how to react, or know what to do. I decided to kept not because I wanna fool you, but because I had been thinking of ways that I can fix this. I am to blame. " I kissed him on the cheek, and hug him back.

" As long as you promise to tell me everything, Bella I am your husband, there is no need to be afraid. All I want is just your honesty, we can surpass anything. Just don't hide anything from me. I was expecting so much, that everything is okay. Please, Bella, I don't wanna lay my hand on you again. " He said while trying to wipe away his tears. His eyes were red and swollen. " I can't see you like this, it pains me a lot. To look at you with bruises I caused, I just don't know what got into me, It's like I'm possessed or something, that I don't have control over my reflexes. "

" It's okay, you are forgiven. It's my fault anyway, you have every right to react. I love you Gino, I really do. " Tears also starts to roll down my eyes,

" I love you too, Bella. So much " and he lay beside me.

After the accident, things got a little bit smoother. We came to find out, that we had been dealing with a fraud. We went back to Cebu after 2 months, to continue the lives we had left. We lost an amount of money, but we did not lose our relationship. We were stronger than ever, and much more open. My fear in him slowly subsided. We remained to be hopeful in our visa application. We continued to look for an agency that can help us, this time Gino decided to take over, to control the decision making and to make sure that we won't be dealing with a fraudster again. Though I can sense, that Gino doesn't trust me because of what happened, I just remained quiet to avoid conflict. I just took the time to let him heal, as long as I know I have him nothing can go wrong.

I was watching my favorite Netflix series while waiting for my husband to arrive, I heard a loud banging noise downstairs. I checked the time, it was 02:30 am. So I hurriedly wore my robe and went down to check. I saw Gino laying on the doorstep, I approached him and tried to help him get up. I can smell the aroma of cigarettes around his sleeves.

" Oh, It's you. It's the love of my life. " With a full grin on his face, his eyes were droopy, and his breath smells like he drank a house packed with beers. He was recently promoted and he was celebrating it with his colleague. He began to laugh so loudly that it's hurting my ears, I was trying to help him up the stairs and put him to sleep.

I changed his clothes, and gave him a sponge bath, he must have been enjoying the night. I was smiling, looking at him laughing, with that crazy, drunk face. As I was about to put his dirty clothes to our laundry basket, I noticed a red stain on the collar of his shirt. It looks like a lipstick stain, and when I smelled the collar part of the shirt, it smelled like a woman's perfume. Dark thought clouded my mind, but I don't wanna put up a fight tonight. I won't likely be getting any straight answers. " Guess I'm just gonna have to ask him tomorrow. " So I just slept through it.

The next morning, as we were having breakfast, " So, how was your night? ". Gino was looking at his phone, while he was having coffee and did not give me a glance, nor tried to speak up to answer my question. So I tried to ask him again, " Gino, how was your celebration last night, who were you with? "

" It's okay, I'm with my colleagues. " He replied, without even looking at me, and continued browsing his phone.

" Who are they? Do you mind telling me their names? Are there any ladies with you that night? " I tried to ask him another question, hoping I can ask him about the lipstick stain and the women's perfume I smelled on his shirt last night.

" What the heck!" He threw his lukewarm coffee all over me, " Are you really bombarding me with your stupid questions, can't you just shut the f**k up, you are messing my life already, isn't that enough that you have to destroy my mornings? " He walked away, leaving me soaked with coffee.

I can't believe what just happen, it was just a question, he really is guilty, I didn't even bother to ask about what I had found. He can't just be hysterical over a few questions. I was so upset and angry, that all I can do is cry. I cried so hard until I lost my breath. I felt so helpless, and what he just did was so out of the line.

After what happened, Gino has been treating me as cold as ice. He barely speaks to me. He usually went home late, never update me with anything, and don't usually spend his rest days at home. I was depressed, I reacted to the depression by simply getting my attention to food. I expressed my loneliness through eating. I gained a lot of weight, heavier than what I usually weigh. Food gave me happiness.

Phone ringing, I ran to pick up the call.

" Hey girl! We missed you, care to join us tonight? There is a newly opened Korean restaurant right across your place. I heard, they served good food. " said Carmela, on the other line.

" Sure, I'll talk to Gino, maybe he wanna come. Call you back later. " So I hung up. Gino was on the living room watching television. I slowly approached him to ask if he wanna come. " Hey, Carmela just called, she's inviting us tonight on that newly opened restaurant across the street. Do you wanna come? "

He stopped what he was doing, looked at me in the eyes, " Have you looked at yourself in front of the mirror? Can you see how ugly you looked, with that fat ass, and you still have the nerve to invite me on that dinner of yours. Are you not ashamed to go out looking like that. Here's what you can do, get your lazy fat ass to the gym. "

" You can just simply say no and not insult me. I'm not even forcing you to go with me. What's wrong with you. Why are you upset with me lately, even if I did not do anything, Are you guilty of something? " I nagged at him back.

" What did you just tell me? Are accusing me to be hiding something? Did you happen to forget that you once f****d up? You cheating, lying fat w***e. " He pushed me off the chair, and I hit my back on the side of the table.

" so you wanna beat me up again huh? So you can be with your girls? You beat me up, and you can run around flaunting your promotions to a bunch of prostitutes, did you enjoy the smell and the taste of there cheap lipsticks. If you can't respect me, and you enjoy them that much might as well be with them! " I was so angry, so frustrated.

" I'd rather be with those women who can give me the satisfaction I needed. You are nothing compared to them. I am ashamed to be seen with such an ugly wife. You can't blame me if I chose to be with those women, you are of no value. Your worth to me is just a ticket to the States, and you can't even do that? If you can't fly me to that country, then you are worthless. You one lying b***h, you deserve to die. " He grabbed my hair and dragged me upstairs. He continued beating me up, " You fat worthless b***h, I don't love you, you f****d up so you don't have the right to speak up in this house that I bought, you don't have the right to walked out that front door if you wanna see another daylight. You are my slave, I'm the boss of you! So tell you're f*****g friends that you can't see them tonight! "

Gino got his keys, drove his car, left me lying on the floor. All I can do was cry, my heart was racing, I was in the state of hyperventilation. The beatings are of no match to the insults I receive. Disappointments towards him, towards myself for allowing this to happen. I do not deserve to be treated like this. I was once loved by many, but now I am alone. What did I do to deserve this miserable life? I wanna cry for help, but no notices me. I guessed I'm stuck, I guessed he was right, I am worthless, I f****d up once and I deserve to die.