CHAPTER ONE
The door squeaked as I squeezed my way through while water trickled down my skin.
Entering the living room was my father lying on the couch. Obviously, he had drunk to stupor. Staring at the walls of this old haggard house left my soul in a vacuum. Somehow, this cracked dusty wall still holds a part of me.
Was it mum? Was it what could have been?
My eyes hovered around the living room and suddenly paused in front of that portrait. Oh mum. I could feel my heart bulging against my chest as I heard loudly every beat it made.
Taking each step closer and my heart pacing faster with trembling hands and pinpoint toes, I reached for it and there it was those whirlpools I could feel flowing down my cheeks.
Suddenly, it felt like the room had no air as I began to gasp heavily, staring at that one person that had my world, that reassured me, saw me through school, ensured I graduated from college. The heaviness of knowing she exists no more is what I can't seem to believe.
I sniffled from the tickling sensations in my nose as I wiped the tears off my face.
Well, just like mum always says, “it'll be alright and everything will fall in pleasant places; But nothing feels okay, everything just feels like a nightmare. Lived all my life surviving; when do I get to actually Live!
I quietly tiptoed upstairs to my room, taking a final glance at that portrait; again my cheeks lifted with lips parched, genuinely curved.
Oh Sirfluffworths, the stuffed penguin, staring at me with those bright big blue googly eyes. I smiled, arching towards my bed to lay beside it, pulling it into my embrace as tears trickled down my cheeks.
Almost as if I could feel mum's presence, almost as if she was there, almost as if she'd call my name again.
“My little Yolanda,” she always says, “you are your mother's daughter, you know ;so there's no way you won't get the life you desire. Always believe Yolanda. Remembering those words brought warmth, but somehow the void felt bigger.
oh! Mum
Why did you have to leave…I said, trying not to strain my lungs of every single air.
It was all a lie, wasn't it?
You knew things wouldn't get any better, so you le…lee…left me here, all alone to fight.
Why didn't you take me with you? You should have a mum with a shaky voice.
Tears ran down my cheeks with absolutely no control; they flowed aimlessly and endlessly.
You're all I fu...king had, you're all I f….king had mum…everything felt blurry as my eyelids dropped slowly.
If only I could just never wake up ! Just maybe things would be better, I said in a whisper and made a wish under every breath I took.
Finally, exhaustion pulled me under its little claws.
Let's welcome our employee of the year, Yolanda! Always diligent with work, "Come on Yola," Bernice said, smiling at me, You deserve this, and even more, it's finally your time to get what you deserve. I'm proud of you.
I scratched my head and placed my hand on my forehead because it felt like someone turned up the oven to 195°, making sweat trickle down my skin.
In honor of the boardroom, we present this certificate to Yolanda Joel! I stretched my hand, reaching for it, I said thank you confusingly, because this was the bar, but I wasn't fu...king serving drinks.
I finally could appreciate how good things can be.
A voice called out
“One more thing, Yolanda. We have a surprise for you, as he pointed out to an approaching figure.
My brows furrowed with eyes squinting, trying to recognize the figure approaching me.
“Mmm… Mu… Mum,” stuttered as tears swirled and streamed down my cheeks. I charged towards her for an embrace. It felt like life had begun blooming again, it felt like everything was beginning to fall in pleasant places.
“I looked at her and said Mummy! My mummy everyone."
Mixture of laughter, joy and tears.
“So this is what it felt like. I can live again, I can breathe again," I hugged her so tightly.
“Let's go home, mum," I said, entangling my fingers around her arm.
“Mom, let's go inside.” Dad would be so happy to see you giggling like a three-year-old. I hugged her again.
Listen to me, Yolanda, with a tender smile, tears sliding down the corner of her eyes, even if you don't see me, knowing I'm always with you, as much as I'd love to hold your hand and brush your hair again, I can't because well life has its course but just know I love you so much and I believe in you and I want you to believe in you too.
“Mum, what are you saying?”
Stuttering with tension building up, pale as tears gushed down my cheeks.
“Please don't leave me, I need you.
“I'm sorry, my precious daughter,” she said, holding my cheeks.
She left again, I said, too frightened to open my eyes. My knees gave in as I dropped to the ground grief-stricken.
No,no
no…….
Jumping upright, gasping for air. Sweat clung to my skin as my eyes darted around the room in panic. For a moment, everything felt unfamiliar—like part of me was still trapped in the dream.
Tightness engulfed my chest, a certain hunger for air left me puffing heavily.
Inhaling and exhaling briskly but shortly.
The deafening sounds from my hands colliding with my chest echoed through the walls.
Slowly I felt the tightness disappearing.
It's just a dream, I calmly affirmed.
It was just a dream, but somehow my palms were sweaty and the trail of dried tears could be felt. With weary steps, I stood in front of the broken mirror, looking at my reflection with a forced smile;
“ Can someone truly be more broken than this mirror?
Grrrrr..
Grrr…
Grrrr….
It was my phone vibrating with the name Bernice displayed on the screen.
Oh my God, I was late for work. It's almost 9pm.
I raced into the bathroom for a quick shower, then quickly changed into clean clothes. Racing downstairs, then out of the house.
“w***e!….
You had better bring back some cash tonight. This mortgage is not going to pay itself by and bring back some drinks too b***h!
“Why does he hate me so much? He never loved me, did he?
