For Better Or For Worse (Sashay)

Chapter Thirteen

S H A Y

Guilt is having a creeping feeling inside your skin, it almost makes your hair stand up. It was heavy and hard to carry around with you. Every single person in this world is guilty of something. Some heavier than others. Guilt is an understatement to what I'm feeling right now. It swallowed me whole that I even considered that what I'm feeling is what criminals felt. No. Not close. I feel far worse than they do.

I dropped my phone to the ground as Katie's voice pierced my ear. She sobbed and sobbed that it was hard to make out her words but I managed. She sounded so frantic and helpless when she cried. She lost her mother. She was losing her while I was making out with my ex wife. What a heartless person I am.

"What happened? Is Katie okay? Is she hurt? What happened?" Sasha rambled when she saw my grief-stricken face.

"She, uh...Her..." I stuttered.

"Her what?"

"Her mother's dead." I whispered.

Sasha's face fell and she choked. "God."

I banged my head on the car's windshield and let out a few sobs. "She needs you." I heard Sasha whisper.

"What?" I sniffed.

"You have to go to her. She needs you more than me."

"What about the kids?"

"We'll take a cab home. Go." She said.

I grabbed my keys and rushed to start the engine. Katie needs me now more than ever and I want her to know that I'm here and that I love her too. As a friend. Nothing more.

Because after all this time, I am still hopelessly in love with my ex-wife.

I will never stop loving Sasha. No matter what storm devastates my heart, I know I'm stuck with her and my love for her until I die. I just want her. All of her. Her kisses, her hugs, her sweet words and most of all, her love. There is nothing in this world I would treasure aside from our kid's and her love.

I will be with her for better or for worse.

Whether she is or not mine, I couldn't care. All I want is to protect her and our children. I'm so stupid for making her mad at me but I'm only protecting her from me. Her unsatisfaction.

But I really couldn't think about that right now, Katie needs me desperately.

"Um uh, is uh, Mary Stevens here?" I asked the nurse in the front desk as I entered the hospital.

"What is your relation to the patient?" She asked kindly.

"Her daughter's my girlfriend."

"Well, Mrs. Stevens is currently in the morgue. Her daughter should also be there. Top floor."

"Thank you."

I got into an elevator and the tears started flooding. How could I be so selfish? It's so selfish to be kissing my ex-wife while my girlfriend's mother is dying. I stared at the mirror behind me in the lift and I noticed that I looked like s**t now. Nothing more of the happy Shannon I imagined I looked earlier.

I wiped my guilty tears away and tried not spelling out on my face that I was guilty of something. s**t. That's just impossible. I practically smell like it. I hastily stepped out of the elevator and ran to Katie who was currently sitting on the bench, just staring off into space.

"I'm so sorry." I said when I wrapped her around my arms.

She started sobbing as she hugged me back. "I just don't understand why. She's very healthy. I just..."

"Shhh..." I soothed. "She's wanted up there."

She didn't reply or comment. Instead, she sobbed and cried and bawled her eyes out.

"I just didn't understand. Why my mom? There are a lot of other people. She was doing so well."

I kissed her forehead lightly as she let out all her sorrow. Being around Katie is nice and comforting but with Sasha, everything feels perfect. Like nothing seems out of place. Like we were supposed to be in each other's arms. Sasha is the my Ariadne. Hudson is Theseus. Her distraction. I know she'll be back. I know it. Because I know she feels what I feel. And what I feel is too hard to ignore.

Fast forward to a couple of days and we were sitting in a row of chairs with every single one of the people wearing white or black. I was listening to Katie's sister cry and talk about how their mother was like. I can't help but remember the day I was the one standing in front of our relatives and friends, delivering a speech also about my mom. I couldn't stand there and reminisce so Sasha was the one who finished it for me. I can almost hear Ashley and Avery's cries from that day. They were barely two but Avery is already amazing at talking though he can't walk properly yet. Ashley, however, is the exact opposite.

Those were the happy days Sasha and I were still perfectly happy. I miss her so much.

As the ceremony finished and as Katie fell asleep on my lap, I gave her a kiss goodnight and I kept my eyes wide open as I realized that I am not guilty for feeling this way.

I was longing for her.

My ex-wife, Sasha.