Where do I begin?

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3: Kandili

Kandili – proteksyon

Pagpasok ko sa loob ng bahay ay nakita ko si Papa na nakaupo sa sala at nagpapahinga.

"Oh sa'n ka galing?" tanong sa 'kin ni Papa.

Tinago ko agad sa likod ko yung may sugat kong braso.

"Nagsoli lang po ng gamit."

Bumukas bigla yung pinto. Pumasok si Mama.

"Oh anong nangyari diyan sa braso mo? Dumudugo oh." Pag-aalala ni Mama. Sabay hawak niya sa braso ko para tignan. "Anong nangyari ba? Nagsoli ka lang ng gamit tas uuwi kang sugatan. Maupo ka nga roon at kukunin ko yung first-aid."

Naupo ako sa tabi ni Papa.

"Anong nangyari diyan?" seryosong tanong ni Papa. Halos tunog galit siya pero mas nangibabaw yung pag-aalala.

"Nasubsob lang ho sa pader kaya nagasgas." Pagsisinungaling ko.

"Tigasan mo kasi ang kilos mo. Mamaya hangin pa ang maglipad sa'yo. Magbuhat ka kasi diyan. Imbis na lumaki katawan mo eh patpatin ka pa rin."

I don't know what to feel hearing that. I am just so emotional on the inside. I want to cry. But I don't want to cry in front of anyone. It wasn't the first time that I receive that kind of advice, as they call it.

Naalala ko nung Grade 7 ako, pinatawag ako kasama ng isa ko pang kaklase sa faculty ng teacher namin sa Edukasyon sa Pagpapakatao. It was after our by group performance of our cheer. I felt so scared as I don't know why we're being summoned by our teacher.

Pagpasok namin sa loob ay naramdaman ko yung lamig ng buga ng aircon na lalong nagpakaba sa akin. Tinitignan ko yung kaklase ko pero chill lang siya. Nasipat namin agad kung saan ang table ni Ma'am. Lumapit kami kaagad sa kaniya.

"Kayo ba yung sa 7-Mabini?" Napatayo si Ma'am sa kinauupuan niya.

"Yes po Ma'am." sabay naming sagot ng kaklase ko.

"Anong meron diyan Ma'am?" Singit ng adviser namin.

"Oo nga sa klase mo pala 'to. 7-Mabini."

"Sige kwento mo na lang sa 'kin mamaya."

Casual lang silang nag-usap pero dama kong nag-meet halfway na ang kanilang mga isip. Para bang hindi lang ito ang unang beses na nangyari ito.

"Tanong ko lang, mga lalaki kayo diba?"

I was shocked hearing that. Bakit kailangan niyang itanong 'yun as if she's clarifying things?

Tumango lang kaming dalawa. Sabay nagsabing "Opo, Ma'am."

"Napansin ko lang at ng ilang kaklase ninyo na lumilihis ang inyong mga kilos."

Kinakabahan talaga 'ko ng mga oras na 'yon. Imagine a 13 year old teenager going through that and hearing all those things. That now I know what she was trying to do was a conversion therapy-like talk.

"Mga lalaki kayo kaya dapat hindi ganun. Lalaki kayo diba? Ayusin dapat ang kilos." She continued rubbing it on our faces.

Wala kaming ibang sinabi kundi "Yes po Maam" o 'di kaya eh tumango na lang. Tapos ang ibang mga guro sa paligid na nakaririnig ay nangingiti o tumatawa lang.

She called one student, a senior student, and asked him to show us how a man walks or acts.

Nagmodel-model si kuya.

"Ganiyan ang tunay na lalaki."

I am super disgusted right now telling you all of these. I am truly sorry for my younger self. Starting there, he tried changing the way he do things and kept everything in him.

Bumalik kami sa room na nanginginig ako. Hindi ko 'yun sinabi kina Mama at Papa. Mas naguluhan ako lalo kung ano bang masama at mali ang ginagawa ko. Na mali bang maging ako? Masama bang magpaka-ako?

Pero hindi lang doon natatapos ang lahat.

Miyembro ako sa isang ministry sa aming simbahan. Isang araw habang nasa outreach program kami ay pinatawag ako ng head namin. I can't remember when was that pero I think nauna 'tong mangyari before the faculty session.

Naalala ko na hindi ko alam bakit ako ipapatawag out of nowhere ng head namin. Binuksan ko yung pinto at nakita ko siyang nakaupo. Pinaupo rin niya 'ko sa tabi niya.

He basically told me to stop acting leaning towards femininity. He talked to me calmly though. But I swear I felt horrible. It all felt so wrong to me. He wanted me to change quickly and stop in an instant all the "kalambutan" that I have.

As a child, what could I do? Nothing of course. I don't know who to talk to about it. I am scared of my parents telling me the same things over and over again. I only had myself. I had no one when I super needed guidance.

Til now, I haven't told them about all of those. And they are proving to me right now that I just did the right thing. Who knows how worse it could get if I actually did told them about those instances.

Umupo si Mama sa tabi ko dala ang first-aid kit.

"Ako na lang, Ma. Kaya ko na po." Sabay kuha ko sa kaniya ng kit at dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko.

My throat is hurting right now because I've been trying not to cry. But as I close the door of my room, I started crying silently while resting my back on the door.

I heard someone knock. I immediately locked the door.

"'Nak sure ka ok ka na?" mom asking me showing her care and thoughtfulness.

Mas naiyak ako lalo. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko.

"Opo Ma. Ok na ko." I breathe through my mouth. "Kaya ko na po."

I even cried harder but still silently.

Humiga ako sa kama ko looking at the ceiling while thinking about everything. Pagod na pagod na 'kong mag-isa. I thought I was doing better but it turns out I was just avoiding everything. And up until now it's like that. Hindi pala ok ang lahat. Hindi pa rin pala.

Para na 'kong sasabog. I need someone to openly talk about my situation. I can only think of one person and that is Lyca.

Ayokong lagyan ng label ang sarili ko pero it's time na siguro. Hindi ko na 'to kaya mag-isa. Hindi ko kakayaning magpatuloy pa rin nang mag-isa. Gusto kong maging ako nang walang iniisip. Sana.

Bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga at umupo sa kama.

"Ano na gagawin mo TJ?"

Tumayo ako at pumunta sa cr dala-dala ang first-aid kit. Naghugas muna ako ng kamay at tsaka nag-alcohol. Binasa ko yung bulak para linisin yung sugat ko.

Mapapaaray ka na lang talaga. Pero nakakamanhid na. Mas masakit yung kalooban ko ngayon.

Naglagay na 'ko ng betadine at roller gauze dahil hindi naman sasapat ang band-aid.

Iniwan ko yung kit sa cr at tsaka ako bumalik sa kama.

Naiiyak na naman ako. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. Hindi ko maiwasang maisip na mawala na lang. Gusto ko maging bula. Gusto kong mawala pero nandito pa rin if that makes sense. Siguro gusto ko na lang din mapunta sa malayo at mapag-isa or be with people na alam kong nasa side ko.

Ayoko na talaga mag-isip. Ayoko na ng ganito.

I started typing on my notes app. It's a way for me to vent. Ginugol ko ang ilang oras sa pag-iisip at pagta-type ng mga gusto kong sabihin at ilabas na emosyon.

Biglang may nag-pop-up na notif mula sa messenger.

Lyca: Kumusta naman ang activity sa pagsasalin. Hehe

TJ: Natapos naman namin.

Lyca: Ang sisipag naman. Ano na ganap mo?

Naisip ko na naman yung mga nangyari kanina. Sumikip na naman ang dibdib ko. Gusto ko magwala o sumigaw o kung ano. Pero 'di ko magawa. Never kong nagawa. Lagi na lang "intindihin mo na lang" ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko. Sobrang naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Wala akong magawa para sa sarili ko.

TJ: Ok lang ba magkita tayo sa park?

Lyca: Bakit? Anong meron?

TJ: Gusto ko lang ng kasama.

Lyca: Ok sige diretso na 'ko. Hintayin mo lang ako dun ah.

TJ: Sige sige

Binuksan ko yung sliding window ko at tsaka ako pumuslit palabas ng kwarto ko.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na gusto mong magrebelde. Magrebelde in a sense na gawin mo ang gusto mo. Pero hindi mo isinasaalang-alang ang iba para sa sarili mong kapakanan. Gusto mo na lang mabuhay sa katawan ng iba.

Umupo lang ako sa swing at nagpatugtog habang hinihintay si Lyca. Nag-random OPM lang ako sa OPM hits playlist. Tamang music video lang ako, ganun.

Matapos ang 'di ko mabilang na kanta ay dumating na si Lyca.

"Anong nangyari sa braso mo?"

Naiiyak na 'ko agad. Hindi ako makatingin sa kaniya. Sobrang bilis ng t***k ng puso ko.

Kahit ngayon lang, TJ. Gawin mo na. 'Wag kang matakot.

Tumingala ako at tinigan si Lyca sa mata.

"Upo ka rito, dali," sabi ko habang sinusubukan kong ngumiti.

"Ano ngang nangyari diyan?" medyo pagalit na niyang sabi.

Nagtatalo pa rin ang isip at puso ko. Natatakot ako, sobra. Pero hindi ko na kaya mag-isa.

"May sasabihin ako sa'yo."

Natigilan si Lyca.

"Oh ano 'yun? Makikinig ako."

"Gusto ko lang sabihin na I super appreciate and love you as a friend and l've been thinking for days na I want someone na na may masasabihan ako because it's just too much now. It's like my inner me is screaming already. Do you mind?"

"I don't of course! Kaya nga ako nandito."

"This is like for sure you know a thing or two pero I am super grateful na you don't invade it sa 'kin. That besides you and everyone else na super close ko, I can be me. Not fully perhaps 'cause I haven't talk to you or to anyone about this. But that's why I wanted to be accompanied by all of you outside acads. And na even without me telling you lahat ng mababasa mo, I feel loved and appreciated una pa lang. Na I don't have to explain myself na."

Tinignan niya ko nang nangungusap ang mga mata niya.

"By the way, I've written itong ipapabasa ko sa'yo before pa. This is cumulative of maybe how I'm trying to understand myself for years. I want to fully trust someone now."

Nagsimula na kong maiyak. Hinawakan ni Lyca ang mga kamay ko.

"Well the only way to understand someone is pag open siya diba. I mean syempre I want that and I deprived myself of that like kagagawan ko rin naman. Kaya maybe right now I am making up to myself na."

Kita ko yung confusion at lungkot sa mga mata ni niya.

Bumitaw ako sa pagkakahawak niya at kinuha ko ang phone sa bulsa ko. Pumunta 'ko sa notes app at tsaka ko iniabot sa kaniya yung phone ko nang nanginginig.

Kinuha niya ito at tumalikod ako sa kaniya. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Sobrang natatakot ako habang umaasang sana ayos lang sa kaniya ang lahat ng mababasa niya.

So a while ago I received gay remarks again from my parents. They've been so subtle with it dati but now it's beyond stepping the line. I felt super suffocated kanina. Para akong may kadena. Idk i really felt like my self just wanna be free but my defense wall, aka current me that's in front of people, won't let it happen. Imagine 20 years in this world and keeping everything to yourself — all the struggles and pain that people won't understand.

It all started with a teacher and a ministry head talking to me (diff instances) and telling me that I shouldn't continue acting away from what the society has set for a man. It made me terrified cause imagine people na ipapatawag ka and will say that to you.

And also the time where one of my relatives used gay as an insult to me just because as they said I am not man enough to climb a gate. Then another one just casually saying through my sister na "ang arte mong bakla ka" with her full chest imposing it as an insult. Imagine telling those sa isang bata o early teen. Then hearing my father wanting to change tv channel cause apparently we're watching showtime and according to him "puro kabaklaan lang naman yan ilipat na."

Maybe that's when i started to create this side of me that eventually became my "me" in front of everyone. That this "me" today is probably living just perfectly but the true me is suffering all throughout. This fear of telling the people I love here about me will always be here 'cause I made sure to myself that I won't ever tell them unless be placed in a situation that will let that happen. There will never be a right timing.

What I realized is that I try to be the man that everyone around me wants me to be for 20 years now. That it turned out that it's me who doesn't accept myself. That I am afraid to lose them instead of losing me.

I don't want to hurt my parents cause I love them so much. It would be so easy if they'd accept me 'cause I would not give any damn care on what others would say to me but that's not the case. It's hard if the people around you are the ones who are not on your side. And it just made me go further and further away to my self where I lost me. I couldn't be me anywhere.

Haven't told anyone even my irl friends. I don't want them to just tolerate me and on the other side be against the equality that the community has been fighting for. I am just keeping everything in me for years now and it's getting harder 'cause I'm like feeling about to explode or something.

Because of that i have this great wall that's not open. It hurts me as well that I can't open to my friends. I just want to unmask myself and not be ashamed of me being gay 'cause I am not stepping on other people nor harming anyone. It's not like I'll change everything in me because of it. I'd still be me. The only changed thing is the person I'll love.

I wish I can be alone or I wish I can live somewhere surrounded by people who are accepting enough.

Ps. Quiet sila sa kin ngayon cause apparently i am that "smart" student dito. It's like they all root for me dahil diyan. Is it really necessary na dapat may mapatunayan ka muna just to be accepted? Cause imagine if im not like this. Edi ive been hearing things na from them til now. Naging "untouchable" lang ako rito ata after i became val nung elem.

*play Di Ka Sayang by Ben&Ben*

Narinig kong humahagulgol na si Lyca. Nilingon ko siya. Patuloy lang siya sa pagbabasa.

Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa swing. Tinignan niya 'ko.

Para bang biglang nag-slow motion ang lahat. Naiyak na rin ako.

Lumapit siya sa 'kin at kinuha ang dalawa kong kamay. Patuloy lang siya sa pag-iyak. Tinitignan niya lang ako. Niyakap niya ko. Pahigpit nang pahigpit. Mas lalo akong nagiging emosyonal.

Narinig ko siyang nagsalita.

"Tanggap kita."

It made me cry a river. Para bang ang isang napupunong dam ay nagbukas na ng mga gate at nagpakawala ng tubig. I never felt this much love and assurance before. I feel so happy.

"You matter."

Ilang salita lang ang narinig ko sa kaniya ngunit naging sapat na ito para maibsan ang pakiramdam na hindi ko mailabas-labas.

Pumiglas na siya sa pagkakayakap. Pinunasan na niya ang kaniyang mga luha. Nagsimula na siyang ngumiti. Naging sobrang saya ng kaniyang mukha.

"You don't deserve to go through all of those alone. I am so sorry that the society have failed you. I am here. You got me." She looked me in the eye and smiled. Giving me that assurance that she knew I needed even if she's quite shaking.

"Thank you." I said with still an emotional voice.

"Grabe you're making me cry again. Thank you dahil you let me na makasama kita ngayon habang binabasa ko 'yan. I would really hug you and makikita mo itsura ko grabe. Which is na-witness mo na. You know you don't need to explain. Mahal ka namin sobra. I love you. This is such a brave move and 'di ako makapaniwala na sinasabi mo 'to lahat sa 'kin. And I'm glad you did. Not that may inaantay ako or what. I'm just happy na nilabas mo. And you know there's nothing wrong with it. I dont blame you din kung bakit kinailangan mong itago. Kasi naman society 'di ba hays. Pero sobrang masaya ako para sayo na you had the courage na sabihin 'yun, kahit mahirap. Ikaw pa rin yan. Ikaw pa rin ang TJ namin. Ang difference lang ngayon, mas brave na."

Honestly, hearing that message in person made all my worries and pain go away even if it's just for a temporary time. I can't contain my happiness and the relief that I'm feeling.

She hugged me again.

"Thank you for everything!" She said. "Gusto mo kain tayo? Lilibre na kita kaya 'wag ka na humindi."

"Sige. Ayoko muna umuwi."

"At oo magkukwento ka pa." Sabay nguso niya sa may braso ko.

...

"Isang mahigpit na yakap,

Para sa mga sarili nating araw-araw ay tinatapangan."

- vin