To have and to hold

The clock on the far wall was slowly ticking away as I stared directly at it. I could faintly hear my mother’s nagging voice as she scolded me from the kitchen. It was the same damn conversation… if you could call it that, as always. I am wasting my valuable time chasing this ghost across the country that I don’t even know if it exists. Because, going back to college is my only answer to my life’s desire. “Johanna are you even listening?” I barely blinked when my mother slowly stood in front of me. “Yes momma I hear you.” I straightened up in my chair as I actually tried to focus on her face. My mother’s long beautiful salt and peppered hair was tied up into a loose bun with what seemed to be a new claw clip. I slowly glanced at her facial features as she continued her hour long lecture. “Jo I just want you to have a good life and one that is your own not one where you spend all this time on the road all alone.” She pulled a chair out from across of me to sit down. “I know momma but just hear me out for just a minute.” “Johanna please.” She begged. I cleared my throat getting ready to give her my rehearsed speech until James, my mother’s assistant, rushed into the room. “Sorry to interrupt.” James gave me a little wink. “But ma’am the CEO of grant group is on the phone in the study, he insists on speaking to you right away.” He motioned his right hand towards the hallway. My mother gave a little sigh as she stood up. “We are not through with this Johanna.” She started to walk towards the back study. “I know momma love you.” She was well down the hallway by now. James usually saved me from her usual rants about my failed self. I waited a few seconds before I myself stood up from the kitchen table. I glanced around taking in the furniture and all the little things that were here. This would be the last time I seen it for a little while. The kitchen has always been our space to just sit and chat, don’t know why but it just felt comfortable. “She does love you, you know that right?” James asked from the hallway door frame. “Yes I do.” I forced a smile towards him before stepping around him to leave. James has been on my mother’s side for as long as I could remember. He even has a lifetime contract to be taken care of long past her. He is family to us. It has always been just my mother and I from the start. Well, besides the staff that is constantly around but family wise, just us. Both of my grandparents passed before I was born and my father, well he doesn’t know about me. But my trip to Tucson should clear that up, at least I’m hoping. Of what my mother could remember of him, he was older than her and owned a cute coffee shop. I got his light hazel eyes and his curly black hair but his height was a lot taller. I dreamt of the day I could meet him, to just acknowledge that this person that lives in my brain is actually real. Even if he doesn’t accept me as his own at least I’ll have closure on that side. “Jo.” James called down the hallway. I turned to him, “yea James.” “I know it’s not my place but, I hope you find what you’re looking for in Tuscon.” He gave a half smile before he walked into the kitchen. I smiled as I turned back and continued on my way to my room. The long hallway leads to the back stairwell that goes up to the west wing of the house. I moved to this side to have more privacy after I turned sixteen. Otherwise my room was across from my mother’s. Inside my room was my three suitcases that I’ve had packed for the past month. Impatiently waiting to hit the road. The drive to Tucson was a little over twenty hours but I had plans to stop a few times to explore on my own along the way. I was taking in what was left of my semi-tidy room when a light knock on the door came. “Hello?” I opened my door. She pushed past me and jumped on to my California king size bed. Joslyn decker, my absolutely gorgeous, super smart best friend. She had her long blonde hair half up and wearing her work uniform still. “Jojo I beg of the.” She started. “Please don’t leave me behind in this wretched mess of a world” she fake fainted back into the bed. I laughed and sat down next to her. “I know I wish you could come with me but I understand why you WON’T.” I pushed her legs. “Hey if your rich mama wants to pay my o thousand dollar tuition then I’ll come aboard your crazy train of travel.” “I can’t believe you graduate from Columbia in may.” I flopped down next to her. “Believe it darling! After I am done..” she rolled over to her stomach. “We have to travel abroad to Asia before I actually move.” I rolled my eyes at her. “And I can’t believe you’re moving to Korea.” I grimaced as I sat up. “You’ll visit me whenever you can and I’ll come home at least once a year I promise!” She gave me a side hug. I shrugged her off laughing. “ come on you can help me bring everything down to the car.” I grabbed my two big suitcases and started heading to the door. Jos grabbed the third one as well as my black leather traveling bag. We slowly maneuvered our way down the stairs and down the hallway before James and Bart, our butler, took all the bags from us. We followed close behind joking about James’ small jacket. As we came out the back door and into the garage, a man was standing at the metal gate staring at us. His bulky tall stature stiffened when we locked eyes. “Excuse me sir can we help you?” Bart asked as he placed my suitcases by the black Lincoln suv. “Johanna Elise Valentine.” He yelled. “Johanna…Joslyn get inside now.” James dropped the suitcases and pulled out a gun.