Chaotic Colors

Stopping himself from fun

Kale's P.O.V

Everything has changed since that day. I can feel it too. Between me and Liham some things are now off, but...

HOW IN THE WORLD SHOULD I BE DOING HERE IN HIS HOUSE AGAIN?!

I can feel my blood boiling in annoyance as I sat on the couch as he handed me a glass of juice and he turned on the T.V screen sitting beside me.

"Why are we here?!" I asked, so pissed at him. He turned his head from me and turned back on watching the TV with cartoons on it. Ignoring me.

How old is this bastard?!

"Don't just ignore me Liham!" I roared as I stood in the commotion, but I slowly put the glass of juice on the living room table.

"Don't be noisy, kale! We're doing some assignments and you'll be teaching me! And this is your pay after leaving me cleaning the library alone! You asshole", he said, without even looking at me.

How rude- Oh yeah, I forgot about that punishment...

"... All this time you're cleaning the library?..." I asked calmly and sat down beside him when he finally turned his head to me and smirked at me.

"!!!"

" Nope, I asked some of the freshmen to do it," he said and evilly laughed, biting his doughnut...

I felt like the temple of my head was about to explode. How can he give it to the freshmen?!

"OW!" He snapped as he tried to dodge the second attempt with my hand, smacking his head hard.

" You stupid man! How can you give it to the freshman?!" I asked as I stopped myself from beating this man in front of me, acting innocent as if he had not done anything wrong.

"Well, when I asked them to do it they just agreed to it--"

"And how did you ask them?? In what way? Did you ask them nicely?!" I asked rashly, and I don't know why I was slightly panicking. I am not being me.

It's not that I care about that, it's just that I'm scared that he bullied those kids and Ms.Fermiza will again be furious about it. I think it's the last day tomorrow of our cleaning punishment. It's too late for us to stop them right away.

"Oh shut up kale, You did not even clean too, don't act like you're the victim here!" He said forwardly and Offensively!

What d-did he just say?!

I, without consciousness, punched a man named Liham Jones because I was so pissed at him that I wanted to kill him in an instant.

"And who's fault was that? I forgot about that because of 'someone' who was non-stop harassing me and following me around school! Think! How can I remember the duty if I was too busy escaping that gorilla?... and yet to be exact YOU?!" I said annoyed, letting out all my frustrations to him.

And end up poking his forehead as he was just letting me hit him.

"It's your fault, you made me like this and if you're really troubled by it, tomorrow let's clean it Ms. Fermiza will be checking on us on our last day, right? "He said as he grabbed my hand, making me out balanced, and fell on my knee on the couch leaning my upper body to his, managing not to slip over.

Making the sensation and the heat uproar all over the place. Stand as I say, my damn fool Feet! I gritted my teeth as I once again felt the indifferent and deadly beats inside of me.

THUMP THUMP

There's this again. These crazy heartbeats are on it again. For the past week, I have kept avoiding this annoying guy. After that day, helping me and letting me crash at his place and spending a day with him, he became so clingy and was annoyingly a nuisance, he neither followed me around nor bullied me for any reason.

He's playing with me. He acts so toughly in school and with other people, but when he's alone with me, he acts so innocently and childish. He has so much chaos in him. Is he like everybody he is with alone?

*Cough*

I compose and fix myself, and bringing back the 'me', I feel so scattered whenever I'm with him.

"Well, I don't have anything to do tomorrow, so okay, also let's give those freshmen a treat. They deserve it" I said and took a bite of the doughnut. I just saw him nodding as he smiled at me.

"You changed," he said so suddenly. I looked at him boringly as I felt bored and wanted to doze off.

His face was at ease and was gentle, not like a gorilla's face. I ought to think the chaos all over him was beaming, but it was vibrantly breath-taking.

"Huh?" I asked as I was now, dozing off. He just snickered and searched for something in his bag, and put some papers on the table. Ugh. I'm tired. Why study now?! I thought he was just lying earlier just to hang out?

"Come on, let's do the assignment," he said as he patted the papers in front of him after squatting on the carpet.

"Nah, I'm too tired, want to sleep! And I need to go home now" I said as I was about to stand.

"You really hate being around me, huh," he said when he grabbed my hand as his face gloomed.

This brat! What's even the connection between those?! And why the hell can I read his expressions so easily whenever we're alone? I can simply murder it.

What does he want from me?! Does he really feel that lonely having no one here?!

Why doesn't he call his girlfriend or his friends?!

" Why look at me as if you were regretting being close to me?"

It hits me! Damn, this guy is giving me a headache. I sighed and squatted beside him, which made his face brighter as he watched me sit and grab some of the papers.

He and Kiesha are some of the most annoying people in my life. They cling and do some stuff that pisses and annoys me. They made me care about them even though I don't know how! I'll just stop thinking about it and start to do the activity.

Well, doing some activities won't hurt.

I watched him doing his work brightly on the other hand, while I was just staring at mine.

Ha!

He may have a brain after all.

I end up playing with my pen and just contently watch him scratching through his papers.

Well, he really does seem nice. If I didn't have any inferiorities in me, I might even want to befriend this one. It's just 5 we just finished school and he dragged me heading here. Well, this is more okay than spending the whole evening at my house.

That accident might happen again, and I grew tired. I always feel suffocated by myself from my memories as to how I find ways to atone for my sins. This is my punishment for me being a bad son of my parents and being a disobedient foster son of my step-dad. I hurt myself but that is how I feel I can heal myself.

No one is capable here and willingly wants to heal the pain inside me, the pain that made me imprisoned in my past. They haunt me every single day, every night, and in every glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I miss them so much, but I do not think they'll even be happy being with me, even in the afterlife. So being alive is how I live for them, on how I feel I can be saved from my sins on my parents.

My stepfather is the one who's with me now, and he even abuses me. That's because he wants to, but it's because he has to. Maybe that's it. Yeah, that's it.

I do not deserve to feel light, joyous, and pleasurable, while me being here, alive, while others, may feel hellish for someone who knows I don't deserve anything but disasters, themselves. For how many years I have spent my life like this, I do not know how to escape, what to do to escape, or even when was the right time to escape.

There is no escape route in this world. None is the answer to hope.

I felt my spine shiver as I felt suffocated by my deep thoughts, I felt cold and I felt so numb- no, I couldn't breathe.

I gasped and chased air for me to be able to breathe, but I felt all suffocated.

Flashes of sharp things came through my mind again, as if it was doing its job as my way of getting the oxygen I needed. I want to feel the slow response of pain when slitting my wrist deep, but not so deep that even my nerves don't want to wish me dead.

I want to feel the satisfaction of the light, a gruesome hiss escaping from my mouth as the crimson-red blood ghastly flows from it.

snaps

"Kale!"

"KALE, YOU DUMB ASS STOP STARING AT ME AND DO YOUR WORK!" He shouted at me, just when I snapped out of my thoughts.

Huh?

The urges of mine suddenly vanished as I looked at Liham's eyes, which were now glaring at me. What did he just...

Call me?!

"You're the one who's a dumb ass! And stop being so bossy! It's so not you!" I roared so pissed and quickly scribbled on my papers to finish this business here and to finally get rid of his sight!

It's been a while since I stopped myself from doing some grisly things to myself, and it's been a while since someone wants to be close to me and wants to spend his time with a cold loser like me.

"Eh? I just want you to finish it quickly and we'll... for now you can take a rest after it's done" He said, slopping like a pig with his face on the papers while looking at me like a lost puppy... Tsk!

He's acting like a child again.

I just ignored him as he wobbled and wobbled there.

* Buzz * Buzz*

A message? I wonder who's messaging me.

[From Keisha]

[ Kale! Please don't just leave after handing me some papers! You know Jackson still bullies me!!! ]

OH, it's Keisha, and speaking of Kiesha, she is now being harassed by Jackson Vuen, who wants to be Kiesha's boyfriend for I don't know the reasons. Even though I don't have anything about Keisha, if he hurt Keisha I'll surely give him hell.

eh, ~ did I just think of that?

"Who's that?!" Liham asked as he tried to snatch my phone away. I gladly dodged.

"None of your business" I answered as I replied to Kiesha, dodging his hands from keeping the phone.

Well, she's persistent and I can't drive her away easily as she'll just bring that past all over again, on how I strip that day. She's a shy girl, but in reality, she's really a ruthless, bad girl. She tends to blackmail me for that, and for the first time, I kinda feel fond of her.

[To Keisha]

[ a demon dragged me out of nowhere, so go home right away, It's that I'm your friend or anything, just go home! ] Am I too in denial?

Well, I do really want to make friends, but do I deserve it? Will they not hurt, leave, and despise me for knowing my true identity? Will I ever raise my head confidently as Kale Rites?

"Tsk! Must be your girlfriend, huh" he said, pouting and stomping his feet as he stood and walked to the kitchen away.

"What's your problem?" I asked, yet I didn't expect an answer and just concentrated on the paper to finish it.

"Tch" he scoffed and vanished from my sight. After a few minutes, he came back and I had already finished my part. He was bringing a plate of food, with fried veggies and roasted chicken. Did he cook this?

"Here, eat this!" He said still pouting, giving me the plate.

"You cooked this?" I asked, stating at the meal, well it's not that I am starving like no one was feeding me, but the appearance of the food seemed so warm and happy. You can smell it happily. At least I can feel happy even with just by this food.

At my house, I eat alone, and it saddens me that made me don't want to eat and just starve myself for the whole night. I was avoiding contact with my step-dad, I didn't want him to go ballistic seeing me do things just like how my real father saw me slitting my wrist crazily for no reason, which led him to his death.

Why am I remembering it all now?

I drew my sight to Liham who was now sitting across from me. It just came through my mind, that every time I'm with him, I always remember how awful I am, How despiteful I am, but... He always makes me feel opposite the second our eyes will meet. It felt like he had redeemed me by just looking at me, with acceptance.

But boy, this guy is a fraud!

"Hey Liham, tell me... " I started the conversation and looked at him directly as he tilted his head from the side to convey he was confused while he was stuffing his mouth with food.

He kinda looks... adorable...

What am I thinking?! Why did I become breathless?!

I withdrew my eyes and stared at the food.

"hmm? What's wrong?" He asks and leans forwards to the table, checking my expressions.

yeah, what's wrong with me? Yeah... Yeah, why am I even here? I need to let go of this. Some things are making me all confused, they are ripping my soul, my mind... and my heart.

I stood and grabbed my things and the papers I had arranged and fixed a while ago an instant and walked swiftly to the door, which made Liham shocked.

"H-hey, you're going home?" He asked and followed me, trying to catch up with me. My mind seems not mine, the lights are on but everything is dark. I-I can't help but to stop myself from this.

"Hey, we should hang on more, you just finished almost all of our projects," he said, objecting to my leave.

Why Liham?

Why do you make it all seem so bright when I, myself, was used to this darkness?! Why am I feeling this?

"Hey, Finish your food first, okay?" He asked softly as he held my hand and was about to gently drag me into the living room.

Why are you like this Liham?! Stop making me think that I can be lifted from this immeasurable deep ocean of mine. We shouldn't be involved with each other. Yeah, that is right. I should never let myself be involved with people like Liham and Keisha.

Liham is a chaos yet he is lonely, and Keisha is strong yet fragile. I can only bring this disaster to them that I opposed to in myself.

~"You don't deserve friends or even family, with what you are now! No one wants you to be with! You're a nuisance and you are a big burden to everyone! Pity you!"~

Why am I reminded of that line? My past is now talking to me, huh? Even I, don't want to change.

I felt a nerve click inside of me, everything was quiet and dark.

' Oh, there is no escape from this.'

I can't help but just think of that line as it was a warning to me.

"I'll finish the project at home, I -I got to go. Thank you for welcoming me." I only said and left him with a confused, shocked expression on his face.

"Oh, uh- I'll see you at school, then," he said as I stole glances at his eyes and left without saying any words.

" Why look at me as if you were regretting being close to me?"

Why am I reminded of that again?!

ugh! It's better to stay away than regret it.

In the first place, I am used to being alone, I am used to it, I should be used to it.