Chaotic Colors

Be something

After the ruckus of the day I ended my day going home locking my self in my room alone and isolated myself there. 

" I'll be starving again" I said to my self realizing I did not bring any food with me after I get to room. I roll over my bed and stared at the ceiling while laying there quietly. I let out a deep sigh and  starting to shape my own anxiety inside me, validating my own self-worth capacity. 

 I continued thinking on my own, drowning my self to my own thoughts and I remembered what happen again today. It's irritating to think. 

" Why are they coming into my life like a chaotic colors that can paint a catastrophic  kind of  canvass to more reversal or failure to what I feel I am now."  I complaint to myself  and remembered Kiesha trying to be close to me. She deserve better than being friends to someone like me. If I become closer to her her life may become darker than before.

I helped her not to be friend with me at that time, I helped her to not become a person I became today. I did let her see the numb me and gave her advises to where I can't give to myself to make her realize she has more, than me having none. 

***

" Stop this! don't come near me!" My mother shouted as she cried while trembling trying to escape from me. I kept on following her even though she threw all the things se can get a hold to her hands just to keep me away from her. 

" M-mom.... I'm so-sorry" I cried and tries to reach her as I persistently follows her even when she thinks I'm a creep. Hr hands were obviously shaking  and blood were dripping until the tip of her fingertips.  She was trembling, looking so exhausted and kept calling me a monster. 

"Mom it's me!" I tried convincing him and meter close to her to finally hold her hands and make her realize it's his son. 

* Slaps* 

When I was about to reach for her hand she slaps me with full force and shouts in front of my face

" I don't have a son who's a wreck! Crazy!  psychopath and a monster! " Her words made my heart sting making me feel so hurt at the moment feeling so dead inside.  My whole body stiffen after hearing all the words he tries implying on calling me. makes me feel more numb than usual.

 monster? I laugh with a low volume of voice made her gasp and trembled more. 

" are you  portraying it to yourself?" I asked manipulatively as narrowed my eyes in her . I had enough hearing that names that are not really my name. 

she can't believe what I just said that made her insane and made a scene destroying the things around her and throwing vases to me till she aim for my head that been hit twice and that's bleeding. 

" if it weren't for you, your father might still be alive! I regret having you! I regret fighting over you.. You murderer! You murdered all the people I love! You murdered all the people that's been important to me!

Those people died because of you! You monstrous junk!" 

Her voice were echoing in my ear keeping me hear all the murderous words she wants to imply.  The darkness covering my sight makes me nauseous and ill. I never wanted to bring my emotion down to someone  who don't deserve an earful just because of her sickness. 

I felt suffocated, I feel empty, I feel Alone, I feel Numb, I feel  so old , and I feel so tired and sick from all of this. I wanted it to end in the way I don't wanted it to end. I wanted to feel more happy even I am alone, I wanted to be feel deserved and  grateful to have people around me happy about having me as theirs. 

I wanted it.

" I..." I felt like my throat dried up that makes me feel so weak to even spit one word out of my mouth.

Darkness dashes inside me making me say and feel things I don't want to say. 

" Die..." 

I almost did not hear what I said, It was like a whisper through the air out of my consciousness.

" Die!!" I roared and A warm liquid flow into my eyes that were making it fluffy I wanted to take back what I just said. 

I laughed. 

The person I just shouted with cruelty was now looking at me while her jaw dropped and her eyes widen and makes full of teary and full of depressive expression within her eyes. 

Maybe she's thinking How unbelievable to say such thing to his own mother who's experiencing a tantrum in her sickness. 

After she realized all the words I just shouted from her with all the despair and cruelty in my eyes seeing how exhausted and and how depress I have been expressing my feeling.  My feet stiffen and was hammered from the floor that made stay were I am standing and just let the fluid in  my eyes pour down like a rain wanting to be poured. 

I saw her grabbed the little picture Frame made of thick glass of me and her, and at the moment of truth I suddenly felt that the time stopped and as she throw the frame that hit on me, she shouted her last words that made me in despair... 

"  Keep on living kale..." Her fading voice as she tries to walk ion the edge of the balcony smiling at me at the very least moment. 

I got to run!

She's gonna jumped!

The floor we are in is at the 6th floor of the condominium in this city... 

" Mom..." I called her as my voice breaks and l  walked towards her and will stopped her. 

" You want me to die..." She only said as she shows me her broken and faded smile...

And...

***

" HEY!!!!" 

" Wake up Dumb ass!!!!" 

I was awake with my thoughts when someone didn't stop shouting and shaking me strongly until I stopped day dreaming

" Hey! What are you doing here?" The Guy asked. I think I recognize his voice. I still don't know who this guy is, My sight were All blurry and I Hissed in a sudden pain I felt in my body. 

Where am I?

" Who are you?" I asked in a low voice and groans. I felt that the Boy flinched...

 Does he know me?

" Never mind... The fvck happened to you?" he asked checking if I have wounds and all. Why does he feel so familiar, His voice, his body built and his Touches... It feels like I know Him for somehow.

 I started to get up from laying in the grass ground to I don't know either when I did came here.

My head was turning around like a merry go around.  I feel so dizzy...

 I am still contemplating when I manage to go here. 

"Hey, you al' right now?" The guy Asked again. 

tsk so noisy. I lifted my head and saw the Guy who keeps on asking if I'm okay... 

To my surprise? It's Liham, What the hell is he doing here? He was about to hold my shoulders when I imidietly shove it off. 

" Mind your own business" I only said and was about to walk out when He grabbed my left hand and made me face him again. His eyes were broken yet he was surely annoyed to how rudely I answered him. 

" where do you think you're going? " He roared Gripping my shoulders arm 

Dude that hurts

" I said it's none of your goddamn business Liham... just leave alone" I said with gritted teeth and withdraw my arms back and stared at him with anger. In the middle of the park in the cold breeze of night air I saw him sigh in defeat and smiled at me weakly... 

Just please leave me alone for now.... I felt so weak...

THUMP

I was stiffen and my body stiffen in an great amount of weight that made me not move even an inch. He reach for my head and gently patted it with care. 

"...!!!" 

W-what is he doing?

"Okay, It's not my business but please calm down and let's clean your wounds okay?" He asked with permission and gently laid his eyes on me making my heart beat so fast that made me suffocates. 

"wh- why are you doing-"

" SO LISTEN TO ME AND CALM DOWN YOU STUPID DUMBASS!!!" He shouted that made me wake up to the reality were This Liham in front of me will never be Good and will forever be this Jerked Evil Kiss Stealer!

I was surprised when he shouted, I was a fool for believing he was good to me. I shoved his hands with great force and stared at him with fire in my eyes making him burn. 

" Don't you dare go near me! Fvck your own business and don't let me see your face ever again pretender demon!" I roared and completely walks out in anger and wander myself around, till I end up o he restroom and cleaned my wounds in my wrists. 

I think I hurt myself again without even knowing it. I washed my face with the water and stared at my face the whole time in the mirror. The water was dripping yet there were stains of blood mixed.

I look really evil in the mirror.. 

oh Yeah  ... I am a devil... a disastrous one, even wished my own mother to Die

*SIGH* 

" why did I even remember that day?!" I whispered to myself and miserably massage my head in confusion. 

****

" TSK! Why did I do that I'm such a jerk! I was concerned here and f**k he can't listen to anything that I say! He's so stubborn!!... Yet he made me worry this much ARGH!!!" - Liham