Let me love you

"Are You shure You want to leave the facility Amelia?" She stood before dr Carson in his office. After over a year She knew every detail of it. The certification letters on the walls, misery looking plants in the window, that always looked barely alive, all wrinkles off the doctor face. She knew that he would ask this question, but She came prepered. "Yes. I want to leave. I'm ready." "What about your nightmares?" "I know that they will accompany me for a long time, but I can deal with them. I wake up after them, but I am no longer overcome by this paralyzing panic and helplessness. Anyway, at the beginning of our meetings, you said that my stay here is only temporary. That my mental the breakdown had a specific cause and as soon as I get it all figured out I can move on. And I think the time has come." Dr. Carson smiled softly. "You were ready a while ago my dear. The only thing that was blocking you was your own fear, but I see you managed to tame it and lock it in a cage. I am not against your decision. Give yourself another month to make sure you throw away the keys to this cage. In the meantime, take adjustment classes and work. I have a job for you at the library. Not far from here. It will allow you to raise some extra funds for a fresh start and get used to the outside world again. You know that passes and trips are not that same. You will also get an apartment. Actually, a room in our friendly boarding house." "So I can live outside the hospital?" "Yes. And you won't even get a probation officer, your case doesn't require it. I'm glad you're getting back on your feet. I'm old and I've seen many patients like you, obviously not with the same problems, but I sign each discharge with undisguised joy." "Thank you doctor," she said and her eyes filled with tears. The old man, prepared as usual, gave her a tissue and added "I will give all the guidelines to Alice and after the weekend you can move." "I am very happy. And thank you again. Please greet your wife" She left the office with a light heart. She went to her room and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling at the lazily spinning fan. She was happy with the upcoming changes. She only scheduled one more test. One that she has to face herself. If she can handle it, she'll move on. She was a little scared but... it's time. Tomorrow. She's going to pay a visit tomorrow. With that thought, she fell into a dreamless sleep. She was walking along the sidewalk holding a bouquet of daisies and a little penguin in her hands. It was her favorite stuffed animal. She fell in love with him on a trip to the zoo. All week she walked funny imitating penguins. They had a blast with it. She and Zoe. Her dear sweet Zoe. Will visit her today. Maybe the last time. A few more steps. She passed the front door. She headed for the right alley. She was here for the first time. Previously, whenever she approached this place, she stiffened and could not move, each time they had to drive her to the hospital before she managed to reach her destination. Today she called and asked for directions. She wasn't afraid anymore. She already had the strength. The kindly elderly secretary, she judged by the tone of her voice, had given her exact instructions. She climbed a gentle hill, counted six stones from the edge of the alley in the third row of Sector V, and found her. "Zoe Anabeth Newman. Born May 17, 2014 Died on May 16, 2017. A small angel wrapped in his own wings was engraved in the left corner of the tombstone. She sat down on the grass. She thought he would come and talk to her as others did with their dead. They just told their day, didn't wait for an answer, just purified their hearts in front of their loved ones. She wanted it badly, but there was a big lump in her throat that blocked words. She only croaked when she tried to say something. Tears began to flow down her cheeks. It wasn't a few tears, but as if the dams had let go. It was what she needed. Mourning. Sadnes. Anger, that She was taken away from her. And finally come to terms with the loss. She cried for a long time. There were no more tears. It was almost dusk when she returned to the ward. Beth had just started her night shift and when she saw this pile of misery, she came over and hugged her tight. She felt that she was falling apart again and no longer crying but spasmodic sobs tore Amelia. "Cry baby, cry. It will help. It helps every mother." "How would you know?" she snorted angrily. "Unfortunately I know... unfortunately I know" She lifted her head and looked into Beth's eyes and saw understanding in them and the same pain she felt, though not as fresh. She felt stupid "Sorry," she mumbled. "Don't be sorry, I deserved it. Karma comes back. It's part of the whole process." "What process? "Mourning" They stayed like that for a while. "I know you don't like our candys, but would you like something to help you sleep better? I'll ask the doctor if he can give you something." "Thank you. And if I can, I would be I would be grateful" A month passed in the blink of an eye. She was standing in the dining room wearing a floral spring dress. She had a funny birthday hat on her head. Around her were other patients, nurses and doctors. Everyone sang in her honor. It wasn't her birthday, it was just a tradition. A farewell party that was supposed to symbolize the rebirth of man for society. Everyone congratulated her on her strength and courage. They wished her good luck on the new way of life. Dr. Carson approached her with a huge gift. "It's a gift from everyone. The ladies threw in a couple of feminine accessories and the rest gave what they could. You'll see. Everything else is deposited in the bank and you can withdraw it with your checkbook." She sat down and started unwrapping the present. "And here's a gift from me," added the doctor. "An open one-way plane ticket. I've always listened carefully to patients and you said there was nothing here to go back to. So throw a dart at the map and pick a destination." Amelia wiped tears from her eyes, this time from happiness. "I just don't have words to express my gratitude" after these words she hugged the old doctor and they stood like that for a long time. She talked to many people, joked and shared plans for the future. After the pary, when everyone left, she went to the library. 'It's time to choose a direction' She thought. She wasn't going to throw anything sharp at the map, but she wanted to throw something. For someone who had no definite agenda, it was as good a way to choose a destination as any. She found a large map of the US west coast. She wanted to see the ocean and she wanted it to be warm in her new place of residence. She spread the map on the floor, walked a few steps, turned her back and threw her room key. She thought about the coin first, but this one would probably roll off the map every time. She walked over and read the name of the place where the key had fallen. "Paradise Beach. I guess it's a good omen"