The Irish Girl and her Soul mate.

Holding my Dublin City University degree in my hand was all a little surreal but in a good way. I embraced the achievement with a surprising amount of pride, if asked a few weeks prior to this moment I doubt I'd have shown much interest or desire in the moment. Since my whole world had collapsed last August , my time off collage in Dublin to hit rock bottom and wallowing in self pity had tossed my career ideas and future off the rails. As I no longer knew what I wanted or even who I was I had expected it to mean nothing to me. I looked around at my class mates who had been there to drag me out of the pit of depression. At first going back to collage for the remaining months had been merely to keep them happy, it was due to them I had got this in the end. My over organizational need and control freak self had made it so that my thesis was all but ready to go with a bit of peer pressure tidying it was made presentable and submitted. Now for the first time in my 22 years I had no idea what next. The Girl who always had a plan had none. "Freya get in here" Lydia screeched as they all piled into a photo. I threw myself into the mix smiling broadly. After the onslaught of pictures, selfies, social media updates and an element of high pitched laughter I felt a tap on my shoulder. "You know we are so proud of you. We are amazed at how you picked yourself up after everything." My mother beamed through tear glazed eyes. I embraced her close. "I had alot of people supporting me and rooting for me" I replied. My father stood silently by her side. He embodied the 1950's cliche of the Irish man, silent, strong and he would say nothing about feelings. If he ever received bad news his answer was " ah be god" with a bowed head and a quick blessing of himself or a simple nod. I knew him well but being a country girl it was normal to me. Small villages in Ireland still held traditions and gender roles that had been broken down for my generation but men like my father still existed in a small minority. He simply nodded to me. He spoke to me very little since the incident. I think he was relieved when I left Galway after it and returned to Dublin to finish college. My mother dried the edges of her eyes. "He would be proud of you today too you know" she added. My blood ran cold my heart skipped a beat briefly. "I don't want to think about that Mom" I replied a little more harshly then I ment to. But that sentence had almost become a reflex response now. "Sean knew how hard you worked for this" she continued on. The sound of his name widened the ache in my chest. I instantly felt tears rush up behind my eyes. The man of few words my father was a people watcher and he knew in this moment how hard I was struggling. "Enough Evelyn." He placed a hand on her arm. "Today is a day for Freya and her friends" he motioned to the girls gathered near by. His motion toward the girls seemed to be the only signal Linda, Noreen and Grainne needed to break in on the conversation. "Freya Ash are you ready to party" Noreen laughed. I shook away my tears and gave a dad a quick one armed embraced. "Sure am." I smiled. I said my goodbyes to my parents and loaded into a taxi with my friends. We stopped off at our shared house on Clonliff Road to change. Most of our stuff was packed and boxed. In two days we would go our separate ways. My room was over shadowed by the high walls of the iconic hill 16 stand of the National Stadium as I looked out I felt a pang of sadness. I was going to miss the match day noise, Sean had been so excited to be in such close proximity to Croke Park when I moved here. Again I shook away the memories. I quickly changed, fixed my eye make up and joined the girls down stairs. Lydia stood at the counter wrestling open bottle of wine. The pop of the cork echoed around the kitchen, she took a swig straight from the bottle. "Classy girl" I laughed. Lydia came from the affulant side of Dublin but choose to live near college with us, seeing as her family was well off she mostly did what she wanted when she wanted. Her only barrier was her super conservative boyfriend. She had a massive personality and wild was an understatement. Most of my what the hell was I thinking moments usually started with Lydia and I having a quiet drink that snowballed. " You know me Freya. I'm going to drink this one way or another, I deserve it and then I am going to dance the night away." She took another big drink. "After this week I am going to have to use this degree to get a job and be a reasonable adult. I fully intend to act like an irresponsible young adult in style one last time." She added. Lydia could hold her drink well, with or without it she was a wild child, besides nine times out of ten Lydia would bail around closing time in pursuit of her boyfriend. Noreen sat cross legged on the coffee table drinking a beer, she was a laid back girl. She was a fun loving creature but was for the past year showing signs that she was ready to settle down with her boyfriend. We all just weren't sure her boyfriend felt the same. Grainne was single, she was big hearted and had a habit of picking up boys who needed alot of work. Boys with issues her big heart thought she could fix. This ment alot of the past three years had seen us support Grainne through one strange relationship to the next. Both girls were smoking and drinking beer. "I can't believe this is it for us living together" Grainne blurted out I poured out a drink of vodka for myself and gave a small smile. "I know it will be weird" I replied. We sat in comfortable silence as we drank. " Oh no this is not how today is going to go" Lydia piped up. Now nearly half her way down the bottle she turned up the music. "This isn't goodbye it's another new chapter" she shouted over the music. "Let's go dancing" she added. We all filed out to Cooper's night club. A club in Dublin that was packed every night of the week and usually went on until the small hours of the morning. I opened my eyes , my vision blurred. I was in my own room that was my first victory. I turned over in the bed the only thing with me was a cold half eaten pizza another victory. I stumbled to the adjoining bathroom my make up was smeared, I had clearly stepped out of my dress and was only in underwear. I groaned hoping this wasn't a repeat of a second year experience where I opened the door to the pizza man drunk in underwear. The girls still laughed about it. Sean had eventually seen the funny side too. The thought of his name made the hangover nausea worse. I quickly washed my face and threw on a jumper and jeans. I brushed my hair up into a pony tail. It was lunch time and sounded like no one else was up. I entered the sitting room and found Grainne on the sofa with some grundgy styled guy in combat boots. I sighed looked like another male project for her, but I hoped this guy was different because this time Grainne wouldn't have me, Noreen or Lydia in the next bedroom to pick up the pieces. Maybe he is my brain snarked have a little faith, Grainne clearly had. The next two days saw Grainne move home to Claire already smitten with combat boots boy Ed and high hopes of a good long distance relationship with a guy she knew two days. I envied her optimistic outlook. Lydia moved in with her boyfriend Derick to a Dublin City centre apartment where she was starting a graphic design job and he was already working in an accountancy firm. Lydia the wild child was suddenly part of a solid working professional couple. I envied her stability and relationship. Noreen was following her boyfriend to Australia and that was the extent of her plan. She loved him so fiercely and blindly. I envied her love. I packed my stuff into my car and drove home to my parents in Galway full of envy for my friends and no dreams, wants or ambitions of my own. A month had passed since I had parted ways with the girls. I had thrown myself into small village life again. I helped Dad on the farm mainly to avoid my over bearing mother's suggestions of therapy, another college course, a job, knitting or dating anything she felt would get me over Sean. I lay on my bed dazing into the dark when my phone pinged in a text. Grainne : "U awake" "Yes" I responded to her. A few minutes later my phone flashed an incoming call from Grainne. Grainne : "Hi you" "Hello Grainne" I laughed "So guess what?" I braced myself this was no doubt about combat boot Ed. "What" "I'm going travelling with Ed" she giggled. A little taken aback I responded "Travelling where?" "I don't know" she answered. "You don't know" I could hear the distain in my own voice. "We're just going to jump on his motorcycle and head for Europe and see where the road leads us" Grainne ignored the distain she knew me well. I didn't respond I racked my brain for something to say. Grainne filled the gap "Look Freya I know you like to plan things in every detail for every moment. I also know my flaky ways give you nervous tension but I don't live my life like you. College was a plan I stuck to because my dad made me but now I can finally breathe and do what I want. " "By running around Europe on the back of a guys motorcycle that you have known for five weeks tops." I sniped. The words left my mouth in a casscade. "And if it doesn't work out. Have you a plan B?" I added " Look Freya I haven't. I don't need one" she snapped back. " Great" I replied. " That's a really well thought out plan Grainne because as your history with men has told us it's likely to end badly" "You know what Freya f**k you." Grainne bit back. "We've all kept our mouths shut because of what you went through. But enough is enough. You had a plan with Sean all mapped out and it can't happen now. Where's your plan B?" Tears stung my eyes. " I don't .... " My voice cracked. " Freya I love you. But if anything from what happened with Sean should have made you see that life is for living. Take risks, start living your life again." She urged. "Look I'm sorry it's late. We can talk more tomorrow" she added. "Sure night Grainne" I replied hanging up. I tossed my phone on the bedside table and picked up a picture of Sean and I on my dad's tractor. Frustration, anger, regret and hurt bubbled up. I threw the picture out of sight. " Why did this happen?" I sobbed. "How can you have left me." I cried myself to sleep. No one woke me the next morning so when I opened my eyes I was surprised to see it was nearly midday. I showered quickly and dressed, no one was downstairs so I pulled on my boots that were by the back door. I trudged across the yard to the sheds. My father was in the nearest shed. "Where's Mom?" I asked draping myself on the metal gate and standing on the bottom rung as I have done since I was four years old. "Town" he grunted. "Oh okay" I could feel my facial features drop. "You okay?" He asked coming over to lean on the gate. " No" I answered honestly. "Dad what do I do now? Sean and I had a plan and now I don't know what to do." "I know" he soothed. "So how can I fix this Dad?" He paused briefly. "Start by saying yes." He replied. "What?" Confusion washed away the overwhelming anxiety. "You should start saying yes when people ask you out to places, keep saying yes make spontaneous plans." He explained. " The man who always has a plan. The man who is the main reason I am genetically an organizational control freak is telling me be spontaneous?" I couldn't hide my surprise. "You know Freya my father used to say what's ment for you won't pass you by." He paused. " But if you hide from it, then I'm afraid life will pass you by." I nodded taking in what he said. "You know what Dad the next thing that comes my way I'm going to say yes" I smiled. "Good you can start by saying yes to helping me." He laughed. We worked side by side in relative silence after that. My mother's small red car shot up the muddy gravel drive and came to a skidding stop outside our farm house. My father merely raised his eyebrows. My mother could often be a loose cannon and was known to be a little manic and erratic on occasion. "Must of been drama in town" my father smirked. My mother slammed her car door and picked the least muddy path towards us in the shed entrance. Her face was light up with pent up excitement. "Oh God" I exhaled. "Tenner says it's a plan for you and you have to say yes" my father smugly smirked. If he knew what my mother was about to say next I doubt he would of made that bet. "Freya" she skidded to a stop in front of me. "Oh boy" I sarcastically responded. My mother shook her hand in my face brushing off my attitude as if nothing was about to stop her in her excited rampage. "So I was in town having lunch with Winnie" she began. I sighed Winnie was my mother's best friend and lived on the next farm over. They had been friends since their early teens. She married my father's best friend. The four of them rarely went anywhere alone. My mother's schemes usually began with Winnie and I. ... "You remember her daughter Jessica" she continued. I did remember her she was a few years older then me and she created a little stir in our village when at eighteen she demanded to go live with her Aunt in New York City to pursue her dream of dancing. As far as I knew the dream of a dancing career had been short lived but she found a job she loved and friends and decided to stay. Last I heard she was a far cry from the rural country girl and was living it large in New York City. "Freya" my mother snapped realising I was day dreaming. "Sorry" I shook myself out of it. "Yes I remember Jessica" I dutifully added. " Well Winnie was telling her about you, and everything that's happened." "Great" I sarcastically mumbled. " Anyway Jessica felt you might need a new start" I looked at my mother "yup no problem couldn't agree more. It's so easy to erase the past and start over. New starts are falling at my feet" I sounded shrill and knew I was being harsh but my mother always seemed to push buttons that annoyed me. "Freya you know what shut up" my mother snapped. Both my father and I froze my mother rarely left her joyful, cheerful attitude to be cross "Sorry again" I muttered. "Jessica works for a fashion magazine in New York City. She is looking for an assistant intern and she is willing to offer it to you. She also recently inherited her Aunt's brownstone house in Chelsea and is willing to give you a room there as she lives with her boyfriend in Manhattan." My mother rushed out the information. Everyone stood silently digesting the revelation. "Why would she offer me that?" I asked my eyes burning a hole in my mother. I bet she laid on my misery and misfortune thick. " I don't know. She's a good girl with a big heart." My mother shrugged. "Yeah I'll bet she is" I sarcastically answered. " Who cares" my mother bounced back. " What else are you going to doing? Hide out in cow sheds with Daddy forever, while your friends are all out there living life." Her voice was angry. "There's worse I could do." I yelled back. " Sean died not you" she roared. My father moved toward her. A hushed silence fell over the shed. No one had spoken those words since the time it all happened. An imidiate lump rose in my throat and a wave of grief threatened to wash over me. Instead I drove it back with misplaced anger towards my mother. "Fine I'll go if it will finally make you leave me alone. If I have to put half the world between you and I to stop you're persistent interferences in my life. Then count me in. " I yelled storming across the yard. "I don't care Freya if that's your reason for taking a chance at living life then I'll live with it. You can hate me every moment of the rest of your life as long as you have one" she screamed after me. People always told me I had my mother's temper I never believed it but in that moment she and I had never been more alike. Over the next few weeks I got in contact with Jessica, made flight plans, bought new clothes and packed up my stuff. Dad drove some of my boxes into town to ship across to my new home. Mom and I made a comfortable peace but kept a certain distance to not upset the truce. Noreen and Lydia had gone relatively silent no doubt due to their own significant life changes. Both still texted and sent pictures and snap chats but that was it. At a glance they both had picture perfective lives according to i********: anyway. But I knew from experience i********: was false, no one posted their bad moments they only posted the perfect ones. Grainne was another situation she appeared to have excepted my apologies but had busied herself avoiding everyone as she wandered around Europe with Ed. Dad drove me to Dublin airport to take my connecting flights to New York City. I felt numb no emotions at leaving Ireland. I had a teary goodbye with my mother of course and I'd be sad to leave Dad but everything else seemed to mean little to me. I wasn't nervous, I had no butterflies or excitement what happened next for me I didn't really care.