Wandering Stardusts

"If I tell you a secret, will you promise to keep it?" I heard a sweet little voice whisper into my ear. I clicked my tongue and shook my head. The voices were back. They were here to haunt me again - to remind me how lonely in this world I am. They were back to push me further into the darkness that I am in. Soon enough I'm gonna give in. I'm gonna give this fvcking life up - in exchange for the peace this dying heart of mine is yearning. "Will you?" The voice was now clear over me. I opened my eyes and saw her, a girl so pale, you could mistake her for a ghost. But no, she's no ghost – at least that’s what her shiny eyes tell me. She's looking down at me, her long, black hair hanging on either side of her face. She smiled before she turned around, the hem of her ankle-length blue nightgown brushed the top of my head. I sat up and swung my legs over the ledge of the rooftop. I almost tripped over but she was fast and strong enough to keep me from falling to my death. Too bad, it should have been my chance to leave this shitty world. "Careful," she said as she held my arm steady. "You wouldn't want your mom crying over your wrecked lifeless body, would you?" I knew she meant it as a joke but I couldn't help laughing a bitter laugh. "If she would even care to come here to see my corpse," I said. I couldn't hide the bitterness in my voice. It was a trick I never learned to master. She sat down beside me. I can feel her looking at me - her big round eyes asking me questions I didn't bother to answer. In the corner of my eye, I saw her finally remove her gaze from me. "I'm sorry," she said, almost a whisper. For some reason, something was pulling in my gut. I don't know why, but when I looked at her, I realized I was feeling guilty for a reason I cannot point out. I stared at her, she was looking down, fiddling her fingers. "So," I started, just to kill the awkward silence between us. She has already disturbed my peace, then, why not make use of her company, right? She turned to me, her moist eyes shining under the moonlight. "I'm curious about your secret. Can you tell me?" I asked. I really don't care about her secret. I just couldn't think of anything to say to start a conversation. She smiled, then shook her head. "Never mind." She went back to fiddling her fingers. "I don't want to bother you with it." Her voice was calm but I can sense the sadness in it. "I know you have some troubles of your own. I won't bother you with mine." She stood up and turned her back on me. She spread her arms sideways and started walking over the ledge, swaying as if she's trying to balance herself. When she reached a corner, she jumped onto the rooftop floor and ran toward the door to the stairway. I decided to go back to my room as well. Aunt Maya might be looking for me now. I walked through the hallway, my hand brushing the walls as I go. Two rooms before I reach mine, I heard a woman cry hysterically. "No!" She shouted. "My daughter's heart is hers and hers alone. Nobody can take it away from her." The old lady cried. "But Ma'am, this was your daughter's wish. Nobody is taking away her heart. In fact, she is leaving it for someone else to live with." The calmness of the doctor's tone did not calm the lady, instead, it made the woman cry harder, angrier. "Leave?" she asked. "What do you mean, leave? My daughter's not going anywhere. She's not dying. She won't die just so someone else could live. I won't allow that," she said, trying to hug the girl lying on the hospital bed, unresponsive. She cradled her as if doing so would protect her from her inevitable death. I couldn't see the lady's daughter. The view from the door was blocked by the doctor's back. The doctor shook his head, stroking the lady's back to console her. "She's one lucky dying girl," I whispered. Not everyone has a parent like that. Not everyone gets to have someone who's afraid of losing them. Not everyone is as lucky as her to have a mother so loving and caring. "Noah!" Aunt Maya was running toward me. I saw relief in her eyes when she saw me. "I've been looking for you. Where have you been?" she asked. "Just outside. I needed a breath of fresh air. The smell of the hospital is suffocating me," I answered. She smiled at me. "Do you feel better now?" I asked myself, do I feel better? Did I ever feel better? I smiled back at Aunt Maya. She is the only one who really cares about me in this world. She is my only reason for not giving in to the voices inside my head. "Yes. I feel better now," I lied. She messed my hair and linked her arm with mine. "Well, then. Let's go back to your room so that you can have some rest." We walked along the corridor. The cries of the old woman in the other room still echoed in my ears.