My Fate That I Don't Want

Chapter three: Waking up the day after

LIBERTY'S P.O.V

What the f**k is going on with me? I remember doing all this horrible stuff, and I know that I was the one doing all of that. It seems like the clearest thing in the world as well as the most faded and distant memory. I want to distance myself from it, but I can’t. I want to forget, but I can’t. I wish I could.

As I’m sitting in the comfortable bed, I automatically bury my face in my hands. I hate myself for doing all that horrible stuff, but on the flip side, I can’t help but remember that I died…

I actually f*****g died. There is a whole black hole in my memory where I know I was not a living being on this planet. I know very well I was dead, but I have no recollection of what happened in between my death and rebirth - could I even call it that? - and I’m not even sure if something actually happened. Maybe I, for a period of time, simply ceased to exist… Or maybe something happened and I just have no recollection of it. That is very much a possibility as well… Honestly, this is all too much.

I was a bird, a freaking bird. I’ll admit the whole bird ordeal was pretty cool and I do hope I’ll be able to do that again, but it terrifies me as well. When I was in that form I had all and no control over myself and it was as horrific as it was thrilling. On one hand, I really want the freedom I got with it back, but on the other hand, I’m terrified I’ll lose myself to my instincts again.

Because I really killed a man. I have to admit that it wasn’t an innocent man, but it was still a life… a life I took. I want to cry just thinking about it, and now that I do, I realize I already am.

As I looked through my blurred vision, I saw the room still in darkness. I can’ help but look down at my shaking hands. Knowing what they did just hours ago, I can’t help but feel utterly disgusted. As if I betrayed myself. Breaking all my most important principles on the way.

I could feel the warm waterfall running down my face. And I let it fall. For once, I didn’t try to wipe all signs of weakness off myself. In that slim moment, I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself cry. My head was hurting, and I couldn’t seem to focus on anything, but at that moment, that was okay.

As much as the moment was liberating, it was also heartwrenching, because by allowing myself a moment of weakness, I was admitting to myself the gruesome things I had done. The tears seemed neverending, and I was honestly okay with that. For every single tear I allowed myself another second of postponing thinking about anything, anything at all.

Slowly, I lay down on the bed again and buried my face in the pillow. Effectively smearing it with tears and snot, I couldn’t care less. I clenched the pillow harshly against my chest, hugging it as tightly as I possibly could. I wanted to scream and let out any kind of noise to relieve the pain, which quickly filled me to the brim. But I couldn’t. I knew this was something I would have to carry with me forever. A burden I would never let go of.

“Libby are you awake?” somebody was stroking my hair. The voice asking so soft I could barely make it out.

An amazing warmth filled me as the person continued stroking my hair. I must’ve fallen asleep because I can’t remember anyone being in my room.

“Libby? I didn’t want to disturb you earlier, but I know you’re not okay. Is there anything I can do for you?” Jeremy’s voice said, still as soft.

Slowly, I opened my swollen eyes, looking at his dark silhouette against the light streaming in from the doorway. I still didn't answer him, but I could tell he was relieved I had acknowledged his presence at all.

“I brought hot cocoa, do you want some?” he said while holding up a steaming mug of said substance. As if those words unlocked something within me, tears suddenly started pooling up in my eyes and then quickly flowing down my cheeks.

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s okay, don’t cry. I’m here, I’m here,” Jeremy immediately said, quickly putting away the mug and bringing my frail self into his arms, my head resting against his chest. And for that short moment, I allowed myself to feel protected.

He kept stroking my hair and mumbling comforting words out in the room, but nothing seemed to help. Eventually, I must’ve fallen asleep because the next time I opened my eyes I was lying alone on the bed again, the mug of hot chocolate still by the side of my bed.

I reached out for it, and considering it was still warm I guessed Genevieve had hexed it or something. I could hear muffled voices from downstairs, but I had no desire to join them as I sat on the bed drinking my drink quietly, my head for once empty.

I knew Jeremy knew I was awake now, but I also knew he wouldn’t bother me for a couple of hours. I hoped the others would follow his example. I wanted to be alone, no, I deserved to be alone.

Things would never be the same again and I had no one but myself to blame.

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A/N- a not so quick but important notice for you readers

Hi people! It’s the author who’s been saying she’s gonna update for weeks now and never gave you an update... yeah... hehe...

No, but for real though, it’s been a minute and I’m finally ready with an update *erupting cheers*.

Well, I also feel like you deserve an explanation as to why I went MIA for the past three months.

As you’ve all probably noticed, my updating has become lesser and lesser over the past half-year or so. To tell you the truth, I haven’t really felt comfortable talking about why before now because I myself wasn’t ready to face the truth (cheesy I know), hence all the lame-a*s excuses and saying I’ll be updating and then never doing so.

Well, for the past eight months or so I’ve been struggling a lot mentally. Truthfully, I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, even things I love to do, like writing. Because of this, I’ve had to take a step back and only focus on the things that matter the most, so school. Even with just school on my plate, I find it incredibly hard to keep up, because I don’t have any energy to do so.

Anyway, you don’t need to hear me complain about stuff that you can’t do anything with. I’m only telling you this so you’ll know why I keep disappearing and why I’ve been gone for so long.

I’m truly sorry that my personal life is affecting you guys. It’s not fair.

When I started publishing MMTIDW (oof- that acronym though, let’s not talk about it...) I had every intent on updating it weekly, which I did, for the first year or so (remember those days..?). But then my life became too much for me. Had I known back then the place I would be in today, I wouldn’t have published it at all, because honestly, it affects you guys and that’s not fair (also, who allowed me to write all of those cringe first chapters…). But, alas, I did. The book is published and I can’t really do anything about it. I think that by starting the second book I put too much in my hands. I should have taken a break, but back then I was still not fully aware of how bad my mental health had gotten.

Still, as I mentioned, I love writing. It’s something I want to continue doing. This is also why I’ve decided not to discontinue the book. I will continue it.

I’m mentally exhausted. I can’t promise you a regular update schedule, because, frankly, I’m burning out and won’t be able to do it.

However, the reason I’m able to sit here and write this now is that I’m slowly doing better (surprisingly, because I discovered BTS and I’ve really been hit hard by the message their music sends, so you’re now “looking” at a new ARMY ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ). So, although I won’t be updating regularly at least until summer, I will write chapters whenever I have the mental capacity left to do so. This is also why this story will be free until it’s finished.

To all of you who’s been writing me comments, I read them all and you’re honestly the sweetest and kindest group of encouraging readers ❤️. Thank you for always commenting, reading, and waiting for me (and thank you for the lack of hate and overflow of supportiveness ❤️)

Until next time, love, Shaynie.