Almost mine

Prologue The Kiss I Never Planned I had dreamed about turning eighteen for as long as I could remember. Eighteen. The age between being a teenager and becoming an adult. At least, that was how I understood it. I thought eighteen would feel different. Like I would wake up one morning with my life figured out, my confidence magically improved, and a clear idea of what I wanted from the future. Instead, I woke up tangled in my blankets, with my hair in my face and my phone vibrating against the nightstand. Some things never changed. I reached for my phone and squinted at the screen. Hina Mori: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD LADY!!! 🎂🎉 I groaned into my pillow. Me: It is seven in the morning. Why are you like this? Hina: Because you're eighteen now. You're practically retired. Me: I'm blocking you. Hina: You love me too much. Unfortunately, she was right. Hina had been my best friend for years. She knew my favorite snacks, my most embarrassing memories, and exactly how to annoy me before I'd even had breakfast. She also knew that birthdays made me uncomfortable. Not because I hated them. I just never knew what to do when people made a big deal out of me. I preferred quiet celebrations, handwritten notes, and being remembered without having to ask. And, if I was being honest, I had always imagined my eighteenth birthday would be special for another reason. I had made a promise to myself when I was younger: my first kiss would be with someone I loved. Someone I could look at and imagine choosing, even when life became difficult. It sounded dramatic now that I was eighteen, but I had never managed to stop believing in it. Maybe I was a hopeless romantic. Or maybe I had watched too many romance movies and read too many books. Either way, I wasn't planning to let anyone ruin that little dream of mine. My phone vibrated again. Hina: Get dressed. I'm coming over. Me: Why? Hina: Because I said so. Me: That's not an answer. Hina: It's your birthday. You're supposed to obey the birthday girl's best friend. I stared at the message. Me: That is not how birthdays work. Hina: Ten minutes, Sakura. Move your legs. Before I could argue, she sent me a string of angry cat stickers. I laughed despite myself and finally climbed out of bed. Outside my window, the morning was bright and cool. A few leaves skittered along the pavement, and somewhere down the street, a bicycle bell rang as someone passed by. It was an ordinary morning. Hina arrived twenty minutes later. Not ten. Twenty. She came through the front door wearing a smile so suspicious that I immediately narrowed my eyes. "What did you do?" She blinked innocently. "Good morning to you, too." "Hina." "Sakura." "Why are you smiling like that?" "Because it's your birthday." "You never smile like that when it's my birthday." "That's hurtful." "You once gave me a half-eaten chocolate bar and told me the other half was your gift to me." "You said you wanted to share more meaningful experiences." "I was twelve!" "And look at you now. Eighteen. Practically ancient." I threw a cushion at her. She caught it, laughing, before grabbing my wrist. "Come on. We have somewhere to be." "Where?" "My house." "Why?" "Because I live there." "Hina!" She was already dragging me toward the stairs. "Get changed. Something cute, but comfortable. And do something with your hair." I looked at her suspiciously. "Are you taking me somewhere?" "No." "Then why do I need to look cute?" "Because you're cute." "That was disgusting. Never say that again." She laughed so hard she nearly fell against the wall. I changed into a soft pink sweater, a pleated skirt, and my favorite pair of sneakers. I tied my hair back with a ribbon and grabbed my bag, still trying to figure out what she was planning. Hina refused to tell me anything. Not a single useful detail. By the time we reached her neighborhood, she had changed the subject four times and threatened to abandon me on the pavement twice. "You're acting weird," I told her as we approached her house. "I'm always weird." "More than usual." "Thank you." "That wasn't a compliment." "I'm choosing to receive it as one." She stopped in front of her gate and turned toward me. "Close your eyes." I stared at her. "No." "Sakura." "Hina." "Please?" "You're terrifying when you say please." She pressed her hands together dramatically. "Just trust me." That was the problem. I did. So I closed my eyes. She guided me through the front door, her hand wrapped around mine. Then she stopped. "Okay," she whispered. "Open them." I did. And froze. The living room was filled with pink and lavender decorations, little paper stars hanging from the ceiling, and strings of warm lights that made the whole room glow. A banner stretched across the wall. HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY, SAKURA! There were snacks covering the table, a cake decorated with tiny strawberries, and people standing everywhere my classmates, friends from school, and a few familiar faces I hadn't expected to see. The moment I stepped inside, they shouted. "Surprise!" I jumped so hard I nearly dropped my bag. Someone laughed. Someone else started clapping. Music burst from the speakers, and Hina stood beside me with the proudest smile I had ever seen. For a second, I couldn't speak. "You did all this?" I asked her. She shrugged, suddenly looking a little shy. "We did." I looked around again. My favorite colors. My favorite snacks. Even the little strawberry cake I had once mentioned wanting to try. My throat tightened. "Hina..." "Don't cry," she warned. "I spent too long on my makeup for this." I laughed, but my eyes were already burning. She pulled me into a hug. "You deserve to be celebrated, Sakura. Even if you spend half your life pretending you don't want attention." "I don't pretend." "You absolutely do." I squeezed her tighter. "Thank you." "Of course." For a little while, everything felt perfect. People gave me presents, took pictures, and insisted I sit in front of the cake while they sang. One of my classmates handed me a purple journal with a tiny moon on the cover. "For your writing," she explained. "You're always scribbling things in the margins of your notebooks. I thought you might like somewhere to keep them." I ran my fingers over the cover. "I love it. Thank you." I meant it. The afternoon slipped into evening. We ate too much cake, argued over music, and took so many pictures that my cheeks started hurting from smiling. Hina dragged me into the middle of the living room to dance, even though I told her I had the rhythm of a broken washing machine. She said that was exactly why I needed practice. I told her she was a terrible friend. She told me I was welcome. And I laughed until I forgot to be embarrassed. For once, I wasn't thinking about school, my future, or whether I was doing enough to become the person I wanted to be. I was just Sakura. Eighteen years old. Surrounded by people who cared about me. And completely unaware that the night was about to give me a memory I would spend a long time trying to understand. Someone was arguing over the last slice of pizza. Two girls were taking selfies in front of the balloon arch. A guy from school was trying to convince everyone that he could dance better than the person currently dancing on the coffee table. He couldn't. "Get down before you break your neck!" Hina shouted at him. "I'm an artist!" "Then create your art on the floor!" It was close to midnight when someone suggested Truth or Dare. Everybody!" Nobody listened. He climbed onto the bottom step of the staircase. "I SAID EVERYBODY!" A few people turned around. "What?" someone shouted. "Let's play Truth or Dare!" That got everyone's attention. "YES!" "I'm in!" "Move the table!" "Somebody get the bottles!" I shook my head immediately. "Nope." I should have known better. Games like that never ended peacefully. They started with harmless questions and silly challenges, then somehow turned into confessions nobody was prepared to hear. Still, everyone was excited. We settled into a loose circle in the living room. Someone brought out a bottle, and another person placed a bowl of sour candy in the middle of the floor. "The rules are simple," Yuto announced, sitting cross-legged beside the coffee table. "You choose truth or dare. Refuse, and you have to eat one of these." He held up a piece of candy so sour that everyone groaned. "That is evil," I said. "Thank you." Hina sat beside me, her shoulder pressed against mine. "Relax," she whispered. "It'll be fun." Those were the last words anyone should have trusted. The first few rounds were harmless. Someone admitted they had once pretended to be sick to avoid a school presentation. Someone else had to sing a love song while standing on one foot. Yuto was dared to send a heart emoji to the last person he had texted, and his face turned red when the entire group demanded to know the response. Another A boy admitted that he had once practiced flirting in front of a mirror. A girl confessed that she'd stalked her crush's social media so thoroughly that she knew the names of his cousins. We laughed so much that my stomach hurt. Then the questions became more personal. "Truth," one of the girls said to Hina. "Do you have a crush on anyone?" Hina's smile faltered for half a second. Then she shrugged. "Maybe." The room erupted. "Maybe?" "Who is he?" "Is he here?" "Tell us!" Hina covered her face. "You people are so annoying." "That's not a no," Yuto said. She peeked through her fingers, her cheeks pink. "Fine. Yes, he's here." Everyone started shouting again. I glanced at her. I knew that look. I knew the way her fingers twisted together when she was nervous and how she always smiled a little too quickly when someone mentioned a certain boy. I already knew who it was. Ren Takahashi. Of course it was Ren. Ren had been part of our lives for years. He was the sort of person who remembered small things without making a show of them. He knew which vending machine near school sometimes gave you an extra drink, which teachers hated late assignments, and that I always forgot to bring an umbrella even when the weather forecast practically begged me to. He had a quiet way of taking care of people. And Hina had been looking at him differently for years. I had noticed. I just hadn't realized how much it mattered to her. The bottle spun again. It landed on me. "Oh, this is perfect," Yuto said. "Sakura. Truth or dare?" "Truth." "Do you know who Hina's crush is?" The room went quiet in anticipation. I looked at Hina. She stared at me with wide, pleading eyes. I could have answered. I could have said Ren's name and ended the guessing in one second. Instead, I shook my head. "I'm not telling you." "That means you know!" someone shouted. "It means I'm not telling you." "That's basically a confession!" "Then I guess I confess to being a loyal friend." Everyone booed. Yuto held up the sour candy. "Rules are rules." I took one, popped it into my mouth, and immediately regretted every decision I had ever made. The room dissolved into laughter. Hina leaned against me, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. "You're horrible," I told her, my eyes watering from the sourness. "You love me." "I'm reconsidering." She squeezed my hand. I squeezed hers back. Then the bottle spun again. And landed on Ren. Ren sat across the circle, one knee drawn up, his dark hair falling slightly over his forehead. He had been quieter than usual that evening, but that wasn't strange. Ren never fought for attention. He could spend an entire gathering listening to everyone else and still somehow become the person people remembered most. "Truth or dare?" Yuto asked. Ren glanced at the bottle. "Dare." A few people exchanged looks. That should have been my warning. Yuto grinned. "I dare you to kiss your crush. If they're here, obviously." The room exploded. Someone screamed. Someone slapped the floor. Hina went completely still beside me. I stared at Ren. For a moment, he didn't move. Then he looked up. His eyes found mine. My stomach dropped. No. Absolutely not. There were plenty of people in the room. Plenty of girls he could have a crush on. Plenty of possible explanations for the way he was looking at me. I was going to choose one of those explanations. I was going to be sensible. Then Ren stood up. And walked straight toward me. My heart began beating so loudly that I could barely hear the people around us. "Ren?" I whispered. He stopped in front of me. I looked up at him, confused, nervous, and suddenly far too aware of how close he was. "Ren, what are you—" He kissed me. Just like that. His lips touched mine, and my thoughts disappeared. For a second, the entire room seemed to fall away. I could hear someone gasp, the music playing in the background, and the frantic beat of my own heart. I didn't kiss him back. I didn't push him away, either. I simply froze. It happened so quickly that my mind couldn't catch up with my body. One moment I was sitting on the floor, waiting for the next ridiculous dare. The next, Ren Takahashi the boy who had been my friend for years was kissing me in front of everyone we knew. Then he pulled away. The room erupted. People shouted. Someone clapped. A few voices called out our names, already turning the moment into a story they would tell at school. Ren looked at me. I couldn't read his expression. I couldn't even find my voice. All I could think was that my first kiss had just happened. And it hadn't happened the way I had imagined. It hadn't been quiet or private. It hadn't been a moment I chose with someone I loved. It had been a dare. A room full of witnesses. And a boy who hadn't asked. Beside me, Hina stood up so abruptly that her knee knocked against the table. "Sakura," she said. Her voice was different. I turned toward her. "Hina, I—" "Come with me." She didn't wait for an answer. She walked toward the hallway, and I followed, my legs feeling strangely unsteady. The bedroom door closed behind us, cutting off the music and the excited chatter. For a moment. Then Hina turned around. "Did you know?" I blinked. "Know what?" "That he was going to kiss you." "No!" "Don't lie to me." "I'm not lying!" Her eyes shone with hurt, and the sight made my chest ache. "You just sat there and let him." I stared at her. "I didn't know he was going to do that. I was shocked." "You could have moved away." "I didn't have time to think!" "But you didn't stop him." The words struck harder than I expected. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I didn't know how to explain something I hadn't even understood myself. "Hina, I swear, I didn't ask him to do that." She looked away, shaking her head. "Do you know how humiliating this is?" My throat tightened. "I never wanted to hurt you." "But you did." "I didn't choose this!" "Maybe not." Her voice trembled. "But I saw the way he looked at you, Sakura. I saw it before you did. And now everyone in there is going to talk about you two like it's some romantic story." I swallowed. "I don't want that." "Then why does it always feel like everything comes back to you?" I went silent. Hina wiped quickly beneath one eye, almost angrily. "I need you to leave." I stared at her. "What?" "Please. Just go." "Hina—" "I can't look at you right now." The room felt smaller. I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell her she was being unfair, that Ren had made his own choice, that I was just as shocked as she was. But she was my best friend. And she was hurting. So I picked up my bag. "I'm sorry," I whispered. She didn't answer. I walked out of the bedroom, through the living room, and past the decorations that had made me feel so loved only hours earlier. The music was still playing. The cake sat half-eaten on the table. My friends looked at me with expressions I couldn't bear to interpret. I stepped outside. And the rain began. By the time I reached the end of Hina's street, the rain was coming down hard enough to blur the roadlights. I pulled my sweater tighter around myself and checked my phone. No missed calls. No message asking if I'd made it home. I wasn't sure why I expected one.