How Lost Souls Love

MAISIE I’m sitting in the passenger seat with my chin in my hand and the window rolled down. The wind feels good on my face after a long flight, even if it is a bit sticky. I look at myself in the side mirror of the orange Jeep and stare. I barely recognize myself nowadays.  I’ve always had long brown hair, tan skin and full lips. To anyone else I look no different. But looking at my own eyes staring back at me I wonder if the circles under them will ever go away. If the fear behind my blue and grey eyes will ever disappear, or if I’m cursed to live the rest of my life afraid.  “You hungry? We could stop and get some food before we head all the way home?”  I turn to face the man next to me. Recently he’s been the only one ok with me staying silent. He never forces me to try and talk about what happened that night like my mother does. Instead he just accepts that it’s up to me. It’s one of the things I love most about my dad. Even growing up away from him, he's always been there for me when I needed him. I'd like to think my dad does this for me because I'm his adorable baby girl, and although it's true, helping people is just who my dad is. He would help anyone who asked as long as he had a way. But instead of calling him dad they'd call him Loto, which hear in samoa means ‘heart.’ go figure. His black hair is tied to a bun on the top of his head, he has a long beard, and his arms are covered in Samoan tattoos. He’s in a grey muscle shirt and jean shorts. He’s used to the humidity here. I am not. I’m in long pants and two shirts because my New York wardrobe is mostly for the cold. Living here will definitely be changing the way I’m used to dressing.  My dad is strong and keeps his build by working on cars.  Our family owns a big mechanic shop on the island.. or at least my dad's family does. I don’t know if I know them well enough to call them my family yet. I've only been here on the island a dozen times since I was born. The best thing about the island was my half brother Noah. His mom was around for a few months when Noah was born but decided she wasn’t ready to take care of a kid. She left my dad and Noah when he was only 9 months old. Not long after that my dad met my mom.  Noah is one and a half years older than me and never left the island, but we have always been close through the years. It never mattered that we had different mothers. We were family. Living with my mom it was always us and whatever terrible boyfriend of the month she had. So coming to the island to visit, being able to have a friend like Noah, it always meant the world to me.  “I think I’d rather get home to see Noah.” I say back.  “We could swing by the shop and pick him up? He's just about done for the day anyhow. Then we can head over to Minoa’s.  They have the best food in town.” He says smiling at me.  “That sounds good. I’ll text him.”  “No, let it be a surprise. He’ll love it.” He says winking at me. I catch the wink and mischievous grin and realize what he really means.  “ You didn’t tell him I was coming in today did you?” I half laugh. My dad smiles.  “He might still think you're coming down in a few months.” I laugh. That is so dad. He always loved surprises. Even my name was a surprise. I guess he and my mom had made a deal that if she had a boy she would name him and if it was a girl my dad got to choose the name. And well, along came me.  My full name is Masina Angela Collins. Masina in Samoan roughly translates to ‘Moon’, but for the most part everyone calls me Maisie. My brother's full name is Noah Fetu Collins. His middle name roughly translates to ‘stars’. My dad's idea. He would tell anyone who asked that we were the moon and the stars to him. Most people laugh at the corny gesture but not my dad, he loves it and I secretly like it too.  As we pulled into the back of the shop I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so excited to see Noah. Dad told me to go through the back door and that he’d go through the front to get his attention so I could surprise him from behind.  As soon as dad walked around the building I used the key he gave me to open the back door. Inside were four cars lined up all being worked on by my dad's friends and a cousin or two I noticed from the last time I was here. But the car right in front of me was the one I wanted. I could tell Noah’s tall and goofy frame anywhere. His head was down under the hood and he had black smears working up his arms. His black slightly curled hair blew as a fan from the cart turned toward him and as he stood straight up I saw just the hint of facial hair growing on his face. I try to keep from chuckling. Noah had definitely grown up since the last summer I was here. He was sweating from his forehead and smeared his face trying to wipe it away.  “Noah?!” I heard my dad yell.  “Yeah! In here.” He said, grabbing a blue rag from off his shoulder and wiping his hands then his forehead. “Where have you been? I thought you were coming in to help me on the charger?” He asked, confused.  “I had some stuff to take care of before your sister gets here.” He said, shrugging and putting his hands in his pockets.  “Aye whey, you still have three months for that the chargers do back tomorrow!” He complained.  I took it as my que and ran through the lines of tools and cars to jump on his back and cover his eyes. He falls a bit under my weight and tries to whip his head around to look at me. I smile and let go.  “More like three seconds.” I say pulling my legs up to full piggyback and wrap my hands around his neck.  “Maisie?!” He yells pulling my arms off. I drop and he faces me with complete surprise and excitement. He’s taller than me by almost a foot so his bear hug lifts me off the ground. “When did you get here?!” He yells.  “Landed this morning.” I say trying to catch my breath as he pulls away to look at me.  “And you just decided not to tell me?” He asks, offended.  “I thought dad had told you.” I shrug, turning to him. He was wearing the proudest smile.  “Leave it to dad to do everything he can to surprise us. Man, it’s really good to see you. And now you're living on my island forever. I can’t wait to break you in.” Noah says punching me lightly in the arm.  I smile weakly. I haven’t decided if the island will be my forever home… but it will be my home for a while and I don't want to break my brother's good spirits.  “Sounds good. Any chance I can get you to come get food with us? I’m starving and dad said you should be almost done.”  “Yeah. Let me get one of the guys to finish up this engine Tweak , I’ll change my shirt with one in my locker and I’ll be good to go. You ok chilling here while I go find him?”  “Yeah go I’m good.”  “I’m gonna grab some stuff from my office real quick so we don’t have to come back tomorrow. I’ll just work from home. I’ll be right back.” My dad says turning away.  I nod and turn toward the car my brother was working on. I wasn’t a complete car wiz but I knew some thing’s from all the summers here with my dad. I could take things apart and put them back together again no problem. I could tell by looking at the car that the radiator cap was loose and it was in serious need of a battery change. The battery acid build up in the cables was probably keeping the car from turning over.  I looked around and saw that no one was on their way back yet so I pulled my hair up and looked around. Noah had a battery waiting already on the side so I quickly tightened the radiator cap and got to work taking out and exchanging the battery. As I was clicking the last pieces back into place I heard a shuffle of feet behind me. I turned my head slightly still leaning over the hood of the car and saw a tall guy with black scrub pants and a mechanics shirt with the name Dax on the top.  “And just what do you think you're doing to my car?” He says pulling earplugs from his ears and folding his arms to look at me sideways.  I snort. Then stand back up and grab for a towel on the side of the tool rack my brother was working from. I look back at the car. I did it perfectly. So I don’t know what his problem was.  “I think the word you're looking for is Thankyou.” I say  tossing the rag back to the cart. I look at him and can’t figure out what to think of him.  He’s maybe two or three inches taller than me and he has wavy brown hair. Messy but upkept. His features are tired and worn out like he’s been up till dawn but you can tell he’s perfectly at ease under the hood of the car.  He walks over and looks down at what I did and then back to me. A few seconds pass and then he nods at me and makes an impressed face.  “Nice job.” He says leaning back under the hood to keep examining.  “Hey Dax! Could I borrow…” someone else starts from behind me and then just cuts off. I assume because he spots me and as I turn to look I know I’m right. A guy who is a bit shorter than me with blonde hair and a Hawain shirt and shorts is stopped in his tracks gawking at me. “Well who do we have here?” He asks walking towards me suggestively.  Instinctively I step back. I don’t know this person.  From behind the newcomer I see my cousins, Shawn and Maru, approach with huge smiles. Identical twins. Short black hair, average height and dark skin like mine, and wearing the same uniform as Dax.  “Maisie?!” They yell together coming forward to hug me. I smile and let their presence distract me from the wave of panic I got from the stranger behind them. I lean up on my tippy toes and hug them both at the same time. Shawn and Maru were always family, so their touch wasn’t strange to me. It was comforting.  “Hey guys! How you been?” I say letting them go and stepping back. “Woah, backup bros. I saw her first and I called dibs.” The blonde says pushing his way in front of my cousins. He faces me again and puts a hand on my shoulder. I try not to flinch...and I don’t. But I do stop breathing. I don’t know him. I want him off me. I’m frozen. I’m frozen just like I was that night.  “Hey Drew, I suggest you move your hand unless you want to lose it. Don’t you know who she is?” My cousin warns and laughs smiling. He can’t see or sense the panic in me so I know he’s kidding. I’m trying hard to form words in my mouth that tell him to get off and leave me alone but I’m still stuck.  “Drew,  why don’t you let her go man?” I hear to my left. Dax has stood up from where he was leaning over the engine of the car and is eyeing me curiously. His face is confused for a second but he catches my eyes and stares straight into them. His face tightens, his back straightening up and his muscles stiffen. He has clearly registered the look on my face is fear. So he repeats it again looking straight at him, but this time it wasn’t a suggestion. It was a command. “Drew let her go. Now.”  “Didn’t you hear me? I got dibs. I saw her first.” He smiles moving closer and throwing his whole arm around me. A whimper almost escapes me when his weight is suddenly gone. I suck in a quick breath and turn to see Noah with Drew’s hand turned awkwardly behind his back in a death grip, and his other arm around his throat pulling his head back against his shoulder.  Drew winces and screams out in agony against my brother's strength. I rub the back of my neck slowly, shuddering in small breaths. I know i'm breathing but my chest still feels empty.  “No one touches my little sister.” Noah spits out. Then he throws him hard away from him.  Drew stumbles a few steps then turns on him. He looks like he might go after him for a second but after seeing Noah’s strength, looks like he decides against it and shakes it off.  “I’m sorry man. I didn’t know who she was. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew.” He says with a light grin as he rubs out his arm. Drews face seems like it wants to be sincere about the apology, but a hint of arrogance is still clear in his voice.  “Even if you did know you don’t say those things. A woman is a person. Not a thing you can claim.” I hear from a distance. It’s my dad. He is in full beast mode and suddenly looks two times bigger than he usually is and ready to kill.  “I’ve warned you about the way you treat people coming in and out of my shop. But putting hands on my daughter was the last straw. You're fired. Don’t come here no more.” He says sternly.  Drew laughs a little before realising that nothing about what my dad just said is funny. Then he stops, his expression going dark. He snorts in both anger and disgust before challenging my dad. “Wait, you're serious? You're really just going to fire me? It was just a joke!”  “Well it’s not a joke to me!” My father bellows, taking a sharp step forward. My brother and cousins stepping up with him. Because that’s how family on the island worked. If one of us fought, we all did. My father put his hand out slightly towards me and I didn’t understand why.  Dax stepped forward weaving his arm in front of me and motioning me back without actually touching me. Positioning himself in front of me as a human shield. It was then I understood. My father's motion wasn’t for me. It was for Dax. It was for Dax to protect me.  The realization sent a flutter through my stomach. I wasn't sure if I should cling to him to protect me because my father trusts him or push away from him and take my chances because he was a stranger.   Drew looked around. He was clearly outmatched. He smiled. Not the polite, I’m sorry, I hope we can get over this and be friends kind of smile. But the evil, you know what you just asked for, better watch your back kind of smile. He backed away slowly pointing straight to my brother as he did so, then waved goodbye to us all sarcastically as he disappeared, throwing the shop doors open roughly as he cursed his way out of the building.  As soon as he was gone I could feel the air rushing back to my lungs, for a moment I felt faint. Then all I saw were spots. I fell to my knees and heard the panic of my brother's voice cut across the room. He didn’t know why I got like this sometimes.. but he knew enough to worry.  “Maisie!” My brother yells running towards me.  “Wait Noah!” My dad yelled, grabbing his arm. “Relax, give her a second. Take your cousins and Dax outside and make sure Drew left” He says pushing past him and kneeling next to me. I can hear them leaving the room just as the spots in my vision started to band together.  My eyes were pinched tight. I know they’re closed but the images in my head are like I’m back there with my eyes wide open and soaking in all the details all over again. I see the wooden floors covered in glass. The smell of spilled wine is seeping into my clothing. I look down and see My hands. Oh my god my hands… my vision goes fuzzy as I fight hard not to see them.  “Maisie,” My Dad’s soft voice is in my ear. He is so close it’s like he’s here with me. Then I remember. He is here with me. But not here. I’m there. I’m the one who’s not here. I need to snap out of it.  Dad knows better than to touch me. But slowly we start to go through the motions.  “Maisie, how old are you?” He asks. I pinch my eyes even tighter. I know the answer. I'm 18, I fight to say. I'm trying to think past the images in my head but they won’t leave. I can’t think. “Maisie, what’s your favorite color?” He asks trying to think of something that might make me think a bit more.  That’s how this game works. Find something that makes my brain have to function more to find an answer, than to relive that night. Because when all my senses tell me I’m back in that moment, my brain is the only thing that can pull me back.  “It’s not working.” I say shaking a bit. I clench my hands to the sides of my head and take my hands hard through my hair.  “I know baby, but keep trying with me ok? How about this. What’s your favorite thing to do on the island? What’s your favorite thing to do when you're home with me and your brother?” He asks.  The images in my mind flicker. Shattered glass glitch back and forth in my mind to smashing waves on a shoreline. My hands aren't there anymore, just a car with parts sitting next to it.  “I like to surf with Noah.” I say taking a breath, the tension in my hands clenching my hair letting go slightly. “ I like to work on cars with you.”  “You like working on cars?” My dad asks like he’s talking to a little boy who just bought his first hot wheel. “Well guess what, I think I have some good news for you. I think I have a job opening.” He says. I can hear the smile and teasing in his voice. And I attempt to open my eyes.  It worked. This time when I open my eyes they really are open. It’s all gone, the good and the bad. All I can see in front of me is my dad. And he’s smiling at me. Mixed emotions of worry and mischief plague his face. “You alright?” He asks slowly. I nod. Blinking a few more times. He holds up a hand for me and I take it as he helps pull me to my feet. Instinctively I wrap my arms around him wanting to feel his comfort. Being the great dad that he is he understands and squeezes me to his chest. Or more like his stomach because he’s so much bigger than me. After a moment I step back and wipe my face to gain my composure.  “I think I’m good.” I say  “Of Course you are.” My dad says. He winks at me and tips my chin up with his index finger.  The boys walk back in, Noah’s worried expression softening when he sees I’m already back on my feet. My cousins just walk back to the cars they were working on. Dax trails my brother. He’s looking at me like he’s worried too, which is strange to me because I don’t even know him.  “You ok?” Noah asks, stopping in front of me.  “Yeah, just a bit faint.”  “We originally came to get you for food remember? She’s just hungry. Let’s go get some food in her before she passes out.” My dad says slapping Noah on the shoulder. He turns to Dax then, “ You ok to finish her up tonight on your own?”  “Sure thing. I’m already done changing the tires on the truck. Don’t worry boss I’ll get her done. You go, I got this.” Dax says walking around my brother to look back into the car.  “Alright then let’s go.” Noah says clapping his hands together.   I laugh nervously trying to clear the tension and find my way back to my fake normal. I follow Noah and my father out the back door towards my dad's Jeep. Before I reach the door I feel the urge to look back like someone’s watching me.  As I reach the door and glance back, I see the reason why. My smile falters as Daxs honey brown eyes turn from me back to the underside of the Chargers Hood