How Lost Souls Love

A broken girl like me

MAISIE POV

It had been a long day. First a plane ride. Then the PTSD episode, and then a long malicious game of monopoly with my dad, brother and cousins. Needless to say I was ready to pass out. I’m tucking myself under the covers of the purple comforter my father had bought for me the last summer I was here when there’s a knock at the door. 

“Come in.” I say sitting up. 

Noah walks in and smiles a small smile and closes the door behind him. “Hey Maisie.”

“Hey. What’s up?” 

He started to say something and then stopped frowning like he still hadn’t figured out what he was gonna say. He moved and sat down on the corner of my bed and took a deep breath like he was settling in for a long talk. The thought immediately makes me tense.

“Noah, stop. Please. If this is about today, I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“I know you don’t. And I know I promised dad I’d leave you be about it and just be there when you need me but the truth is that’s not good enough. I don’t want you to tell me what happened, that's not it. I can totally respect not asking you to relive it. But…”

“But what?” I ask, not understanding.

“Is there anything I can do to stop it from happening?” He asks, turning to me with sad looking eyes. 

“Oh…” I was shocked. “ well I had talked with dad about what triggers me when he came down to see me in the hospital after… he never told you?”

“Truth is when dad came back he didn’t share much. And over the past few months it hasn't been much of a conversation starter.” he says rubbing the back of his neck. “ He just said that you 're working on getting better and that you were going to come live with us to make that happen. He was so psyched you were gonna live here that nothing else really got talked about.” He explains. 

I think for a moment trying to find the right words without bringing back memories and decide on being blunt. 

“Strangers. People I don’t know. If they touch me, or when people scare me from behind. One time it happened from a scream coming from the TV.” 

Noah takes it in and nods understanding. 

“Ok. So no new people and keep the horror shows to a minimum. I can do that.” He smiles. Seeing Noah smile is like hitting a reset button in my head. It reminds me of all the simple times we had as kids where there was nothing to worry about. His smile made me feel more at home than I had in months.

“Hey can I ask a question now?” 

“Go for it.” He says, still smiling  reassuringly at me. 

“That guy.. the one who.. the one dad fired. Dad said something about him already being a problem before today. And the way he talked to you after.. what’s his story?” 

“Ah, well. His family is a bit notoriously known on the island. There’s lots of rumors about his family and drugs. I’ve never seen anything though. His dad and brothers are always into trouble with bar fights down at Roses place.”Rose being one of our Aunts. “ His dad is a tough mean looking dude, but one day he came to dad asking for a favor. Said that he wanted better for Drew because he was the youngest. Dad said that as a father he understood and would give him the chance as long as there was no funny business.” 

“So there were other things he’s done besides today?” 

“He has a buddy that comes around. He’s definitely bad news. He tried to pick a fight with our other mechanic Dax. Dax sorted it out before it got outta hand tho.” 

“So Dax is ok?” 

Noah looks at me and understands the underlying question. What I’m really asking is if Dax is a stranger or if I can trust him. 

“Dax came here with his mom as a tourist when he was only five. They loved the peace it gave them and decided to move here. We ended up going to the same schools growing up and he’s been a good guy. He’s like a brother to me, I actually think you met him once or twice before but he had long hair and he didn’t stick around. Usually when you're here he understands that ima be with you and just waits till you leave so we get to spend time together. Now that you're staying though you’ll get to know him a bit better. He’s good people Maisie.” Noah says looking at me thoughtfully. 

I nodded slowly. Dax wasn’t a stranger.. I had to admit that the last look he gave me as I was walking away earlier today had made my insides twist. I was convinced it was panic when I left. Afraid that he was someone that shouldn’t be trusted. As I had thought with every person I'd met since that night. 

If Noah says he’s not a threat.. then for now I would trust my brother. 

“Hey, so change of topic. Next Month we have a full moon..” he says smiling wide. 

“Yes!! I’m in!” I say happy clapping with a huge smile. He didn't have to explain. Here on the island ‘Full Moon’ meant one thing...

I had only experienced one full moon while on the island, or at least one full Moon that mattered. My father decided at 13 that I was finally old enough to be a part of the tradition. 

Every Month on the full moon our family from the island would get together on Yaloa Beach. It was a small cove that was behind my grandmother's house. My cousins would drive their off road trucks down the sides of the mountain with our surf boards in the bed and park on the road just far enough away from the water. They would face the trucks toward the water and turn on their headlights to give us a little extra light. 

As soon as the boards were out the bed of the truck was filled with blankets and pillows in one truck and buckets of ice mixed with soda for the kids and beer for the adults. 

My grandma would sit out on the old picnic bench just past the palm trees that lined the road and hand out hundreds of glow sticks and  necklaces and bracelets to all of us. Then she handed us a board and told us to get out into the water and tell Poseidon to show us his wonders. 

It was one of the most magical experiences of my life. 

“This time will be even better. The family is going all out for you coming home. Fireworks will be lighting the whole island till sun up. We might not even need the headlights of the trucks to see!” He said with bright eyes. Oh I could just picture it now… definitely something to look forward to. 

Then like a punch in the stomach my mood fell.. fireworks made loud noises.. Noah must have seen my face fall because a look of confusion and a smidge of disappointment crossed his face before he forced a smile. 

“Even if we don’t make it out to the water, it’s going to be a good time. I swear.” He said winking and standing up. “ I’ll let you get some sleep. You gotta wake up bright and early with me to catch the first waves.” 

I shook it off and smiled at him. “You got it.” 

He slipped out the door turning the lights off behind him. I sat up in the darkness for a few minutes taking deep breaths. I knew what I would dream about. The same thing I have for almost two months since it happened. But maybe I could try and get some sleep… maybe here on the island things will be different. I’m safe here. 

I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. 

Finally I layed back against the pillows and pulled the covers up to cuddle around me. Slowly I closed my eyes. 

I shouldn’t have closed my eyes. 

*******************************************************

“No!!!” I screamed jolting up right in my bed. Sweat beaded my forehead and I started swinging my arms pushing the covers off me. My bedroom door flew open and a shape raced towards me reaching out. 

“No! Get off of me!” I screamed crawling back and falling off my bed. Tears started to cover my face as I crumpled into a fetal position. I closed my eyes tight and prayed for it to be over. 

“Maisie! Maisie, it’s ok! It’s me! It’s Noah!” He said trying to reach out to me. 

“No!” I scream again.

“Maisie?!” I hear my father's voice call for me. “Noah it’s alright son, step back. Don’t touch her. She’s got to pull herself out of it. If you try to grab her it will set her off more.”  

“Daddy?” I whimper. 

“Yes baby I’m here. Your here with me and Noah. Your on the Island remember? Your safe. Your safe honey.” He repeats to me. 

I’ve curled myself into a ball so tight it feels like my muscles are stuck. They don’t want to let go, afraid that the second we relax it will be the end of us. 

“Maisie, remember that time we went surfing for the first time. I told you to let me show you how to stand up on the board on the beach first. But you told me no. That if everyone else was gonna be in the water already that so were you.” He chuckled. “ you wiped out just paddling out. But you got back on and kept going. Told us that it wasn’t gonna stop you.” 

As he told the story my vision shifted. I could practically feel the waves rocking underneath me. My brothers proud and nervous face was staring at me from the beach. I smiled back at him and waved, violently shaking my board. The frozen expression of fear on my face broke with the memory. Slowly my face relaxed and I stretched out tentatively. Very careful not to touch anything I sat up and hugged my knees. I blinked against the light that had been flicked on and slowly took a breath. 

“I know you Maisie. And I know your still scared. But I also know your still the same Maisie you were then. Your not about to let this stop you either.” Noah says confidently. He’s looking at me with the same proud and nervous smile he did back then. I wasn’t ready to talk yet so I just nodded my head. My dad smiled down at us. 

“Between me and Noah I think bringing you out of it is gonna be a little easier than it was when you were still in New York. Don’t worry. We will get through this. All of us. Together.” My dad said reaching out a hand to me. I took his hand he pulled me to my feet and tucked me to his chest. 

“Hey, feel like a sleep over? You could sleep in my room?” 

“No it’s ok.” I said shaking my head slightly. “I’ll be ok. I need to learn how to do this on my own.” 

“You don’t have to do it alone though.” 

“ I know you’ll be here in seconds if I need you. And that helps more than you know.” I turned from my dad to wrap my arms around Noah. Reaching up on my tippy toes I kissed him on the cheek and he reciprocated with a small squeeze and a kiss to my head. 

“Alright.” Then he smiled and left the room. My dad stayed behind a second. Looking back at me. 

“Noah told me you talked to him about your triggers.” My eyes flashed to him. “I think if you wanted to tell him everything…”

“No.” I said firmly. I knew my brother. Always protective of me. Even miles and countries a part if I so much as fell off my bike Noah would feel responsible. “ it would destroy him. This is my burden to bare dad.” 

“Some of it maybe. But I know my son just as well as I know you. And he’s carrying the burden anyways. He just doesn’t know what it’s for. He wants to help.”

“And he is. Being here helps. Can’t that be enough?” 

My dad watches me for a second tucking his hands into his pockets. After a few heartbeats he nods. He comes to kiss me on my head and then walks to the door closing it behind him on his way out. 

A long sigh escapes me and I crumble down to the floor again. I lean my head against the wall and stare at the painted stars on the ceiling. I start to think maybe counting the stars would be like counting sheep. 

“One, two, three, four ,five…”I start. Finally I lose count and drift off somewhere after 89. And this time it was a dreamless sleep. The best kind a broken girl like me could ask for.