To the End of The World and Back

***WARNING: Dark themes about toxic relationships, death ideation, and assault. *** The ride to Texas is a long one. We were only five hours in, and my bottom already felt like it was permanently glued to the seat. My two cats, Cheetah and Taco, are meowing in the back seat. They aren't in the carrier, but they aren't happy about the car ride either. I feel bad for them. I'm certain Taco already puked from car sickness, but I'm too numb right now to even look at my poor kitties. Not numb physically but mentally. Earlier today, I had planned on ending my life. My current toxic boyfriend decided to stay home, and he spoiled my plan. In a sense, I am glad he did because now that I think about it, it would have been a horrible sight for my mother to see. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache. She's one of the reasons I hadn't done it yet. But this morning was the surest I had ever been. I had felt down before many times and even fantasized with the idea, but I had never felt like this before. This was the lowest low I had ever felt. I felt so low that I was almost completely numb emotionally. It's as if accepting what I was about to do had silenced my pain momentarily. I felt like a shell of a person. And I just wanted to throw the shell away. My complicated partner, sitting to my left driving, was completely silent. He was chewing some gum and looking straight ahead. I couldn't bear to look at him right now, so I decided to look away. I was silently crying. It just hit me right now that I would have to continue dealing with my pain. I feel so tired of fighting my thoughts and my boyfriend. I feel so tired of letting my parents and family down. I was always good in school. In fact, I was better than good. I had straight A's since I was in kindergarten. What good are those grades if I'm not putting them to use, though? I don't understand myself sometimes. I love school and learning, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to enroll in college. It's as if I feel paralyzed, or maybe I am scared of failing. This, in turn, makes me feel even more disappointed with myself, especially since I know my parents had high expectations. I'm trying not to think like that, but I can't help it. The chewing sound my partner is making is annoying me slightly. Chew chew, smack chew chew smack. He disgusts me. I hate him. I love him, but I hate him just as much. I'm sure he doesn't like me either. We have been together for two and a half years. We met in high school after his lame cousin dumped me by text so he could get back with his ex that very same day. He was a friend to me when I needed someone the most, and that's why we clicked. Well, that, and the fact that we would smoke weed together and laugh our asses off. Looking back, had my dad not threatened to send me back to Illinois during the school year ruining my chance for graduation that year, I wouldn't have felt forced to move in with my boyfriend of one month. The same boyfriend who a month later dumped me by text while I was sleeping in the same bed as him. This, of course, sent me spiraling into self-destructive behavior. I think that's what led me to where I am now. Miserable, with this horrible person next to me chewing gum. Cheetah decided he had enough of the back seat and climbed into my lap. I stroke his black and grey striped body with both of my hands. He instantly makes me feel better. They say dogs can sense when you're sad. Maybe cats can too? Well, either way, he is making me feel a bit better. I manage to make a small smile, and then it disappears. I just don't have the energy to hold it for long. The speakers in the car have some Drake and The Weeknd music playing. The steady hum of the road is starting to lull me to sleep. I decide to nap for a bit since I know my boyfriend won't let me drive at all. Not after what he saw me almost do. I don't like calling him my boyfriend, but we're technically still together. I suppose I could just call him by his first name. It's not like he cares anyway. I feel myself drift into an uncomfortable sleep in the passenger seat. I can also feel Micah give me a glance every now and then. Perhaps he's checking in on me to see if I'm still breathing. It's funny how people start to care once it's too late. He never checked in on how I was feeling when he decided to break up with me those seven times. Or to ask how I felt about him cheating on me several times. Or better yet, he didn't check to see how I was doing after I had been sexually assaulted by a stranger. I am such a mess. I'm sure he knows part of it is his fault. I won't put all the blame on him, though. I know better. I know that it's my fault for letting him back into my arms and heart every time he wronged me. I know it's not his fault I was assaulted. But heck, he definitely didn't make it easy on me. I start seeing black, and the sounds start to fade in the background. If only I could permanently sleep, then I think I would finally be happy. I feel Cheetah slightly dig his nails into my leg. It's almost as if he could hear my thoughts, and he didn't approve. What a silly thought. I let myself drift further. Perhaps I will dream this time? I haven't had a dream in a long time. In fact, the last time I had a dream, I was in the middle of a sleep paralysis episode. The worst kind of dreams to have. They feel so real, and I feel so helpless. I hate them. Maybe it's best if I don't dream at all. I don't want to risk another sleep paralysis episode. Although I've noticed I have always gotten the episodes when I'm the only one there. There is never someone else in the same room. So, with Micah driving, I doubt I will have an episode. I look at the clock one last time before falling asleep all the way. The clock reads 6pm. That means Micah has been driving for seven hours, which means we have five more hours to go. I am not excited with the prospect of living at his grandparents' house, but I at least have to give it a try. If not for myself, then for my mom. *****If you ever feel alone or need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to call or text 988 the suicide hotline.***** Please be kind to each other and, most importantly, to yourselves.********