The Farms Secrets

As I'm writing in this journal for my very own sanity, I will regret to inform you that this will probably not be the most pleasant journal reading. As I am on my death bed with an incurable disease that is known as Alzheimer's. As I may not remember the most common functions, however, I do remember the most vital parts of my life. It all started after my 21st birthday, I was young, full of energy, and naive. I remember the butterflies were beautiful that day, bees buzzing on my crops as the sun beat down on me as I was weeding my vegetables. Ms. Diablo was my neighbor, she was a lonely woman that had three dogs, she would sell their puppies, and write books on dog care to make her living. Today she brought me cookies and we chit-chatted about how winter this year would be harsh and asked me how I'd survive this year. I told her with dryness in my voice that I have my animals to depend on, selling milk, eggs, and honey. While I did keep some for myself I had to make a living other than depending on them; I didn't work a normal job but instead carved sculptures and made furniture to help income as well, I didn't tell her that part though as I was private with most of my life to my neighbors. Ms. Diablo after a while went home, I waved her goodbye and headed inside. The sun was going down and all of my chores for the day were done. I was hungry so I whipped up some vegetable dumplings to satisfy my stomach. The dumplings I made were excellent and tasted like it was made in a real restaurant. As I was cleaning the dishes I heard my cows making a fuss in the night. They sounded really spooked as if something or someone was there. I dried off my hands and grabbed a flashlight before heading outside. The porch light was on, allowing the light to guide me down the steps off my porch, other than that I only had my flashlight to help me through the dark abyss of the night. It was so unusual, it was pitch black if I didn't have my flashlight I would be blind as a bat; as well it was so quiet as if a neighbor of mine dropped a pen in their house I could hear it from where I was. I could feel the cold night air violate my body more and more as I took a step further away from my house. When I got to the cows I was shivering as if I were an antenna on a car while it was moving. The cows were fine however they seemed bizarre. They only stayed to one side of the pasture when usually they'd be spread out. They weren't eating instead they were paying attention to one side of the pasture I went over to investigate and my flashlight was starting to buzz. This made my heart pound because someone could hear where I was since it was so quiet; felt like eyes were watching me more intently as I grew nearer to the furthest side of the pasture away from my cows. One of them moo'd at me as if they were telling me dont go any further, however, my curiosity grew more like fuel to a flame, my heart started beating furiously at me telling me to stop. I proceeded on and looked around with my flashlight I saw something orange in the bushes and took a step closer. Something orange lurched from the blurry bushes, as I fell on my tailbone and dropped my flashlight. onto the wet grass that engulfed it. I almost screamed but a ball in my throat stopped the screams. I quickly grabbed the flashlight and looked around. My color started coming back to my face when I saw a fox standing a couple of yards away from me. I smiled and giggled at myself for being so scared of a fox, I got up and pointed my flashlight back at where I saw the fox. He was gone disappearing into the night. I started to laugh and walk back towards the cows. Before I left the pasture I petted the cows, each on the head. However, even though my cows started to act more normal I felt this cold icy stare still on me. I stopped only halfway to the house and looked around with the flashlight. Nothing, this started to really give me the chills. It felt like it was getting closer and staring harder. I pretended like nothing was happening and I wasn't freaked out even though I was in turmoil inside. I quickly went back to my house shutting the door and locking it. I gave out a long heavy sigh, running my fingers through my soft delicate white hair. I headed for the shower to warm myself up quickly. I felt relieved after the hot steamy shower, forgetting about that strange experience that I'd encountered right outside before I came in. I started getting ready for bed and continuing the embroidery of my favorite Disney movie Land Before Time. I was halfway almost asleep when I felt that hardened gaze again, this time it physically feels like it was burning me. I started to cry randomly and thought to myself "it's normal to cry randomly, right?" After I started crying the burning went away but the feeling of eyes somewhere was locked on me. Maybe it was time to get a dog I told myself. As I put away my embroidery and turned off the lights to go to sleep. The next day I woke up around 3 AM, I always woke up before the chickens ever since I was a little girl. My house was technically a 2 story but there was a cellar that was converted into 2 bedrooms and a full bathroom. I've never gone down there since my parents died; I dont know why but I always felt better, safer in their room, which was on the first floor that only had one room and a full bath. The kitchen and living room were on the first floor as well. I never did update the wallpaper either apparently its always been there since my great great great grandfather put it up. The wallpaper was kind of old in the living room and kitchen. It looked like maybe his wife forced him to put up something updated, in their time of course; reminds me of one of the 40's sweet home ranch house wallpapers with flowers. inside all the bedrooms they were white, while the bathrooms were all tile. I cooked some eggs and toast for me to eat it was normal, not great or bad this time around. I dressed up kind of warm and started to get to work on the chores that I did; which were cleaning the chicken coop, cleaning the cow barn, and checking on my bees which they sometimes wouldn't mind. Felt nice to connect with all my animals I always took time for them sometimes causing me to get behind on chores. Today was a normal day until I saw my cows circling something in the pasture, I got curious and investigated. The cows turned to me once they heard the pasture gate open, expecting food from me, they all came running to me. When they got to me they were all nuzzling me and licking my hands persuading me to give them treats and food. I would've but I was too interested in what they discovered. When I started getting up to it I saw orange and in my mind, I was thinking Oh the fox came back to say hello to the cows until I discovered it was brutally mauled by something. It looked like its throat was ripped out of its neck. I thought maybe the cows have done it, however, my mind went back to last night. That icy stare when I was out with my cows. I grew suspicious of the idea that I wasn't alone that night and let my mind race about conspiracies of what could've happened. I snapped back out of my world when the cows started mooing again for food. I looked at them and gave a weak smile, I then looked back at the barely recognizable fox. Whatever it was, it already happened and I couldn't change the past. I went back to the cows and brought out fresh hay bales from the barn. They loved it however they loved the grains id give them more, they were buttering me up to give them it. However, my mind kept going back to the fox so I skipped the grain part for now. I went inside of the cows' barn grabbing a shovel from the loft. As I made my way closer to the fox, for some reason I could just smell this putrid horrid smell. Seemed weird as when I first approached the carcass fox I didn't smell anything. I held my breath and carefully picked up the carcass and went to one side of the pasture. When I got to the right side of the pasture I set the carcass down gently on the other side; hopping over with my shovel I dug a grave for this poor little guy and buried him in there. I set a fairly large rock down to mark that someone lays here and stood in silence over the grave for a bit. As I departed from the grave I looked back feeling remorseful inside me. I brushed it off as today had just begun and there are so many things to look forward to. Tonight was the county fair and I was excited to take my favorite cow Opal. Opal was a cute cow; she was brown with white markings, smaller than most cows, she competed in more of the dressage rather than other agricultural areas of competing. Opal had first prized ribbons from some of the county fairs across the state. Opal has fans that will come see her at county fairs to take pictures with her and pet her. Some of her fans are children which she enjoys most of all, some of them were adults that would talk about her to me; They would annoy me sometimes about breeding her with their bull, however, I wasn't interested I wanted her to stay pure and innocent like a child. I knew Opal wasn't ready anyway as she was still young 12 months old and still acted like a calf. I passed the rest of the day working on a commissioned sculpture of a horse rearing at a dog below it after the chores were done. I almost finished it however it was getting too close to time, I would finish it tomorrow when I had time. I covered my workstation up with a tarp and headed inside the house to grab the keys for my truck and trailer. My truck wasn't the fanciest nor the worst in a town, neither was the trailer. both were passed down from me from my father and mother, my father always said and still rings in my head from time to time again, " If you can break it, you can fix it. but dont try to break it." We would always laugh at the last part as we never did try to break anything. However I knew that was a partial lie when I grew older, some things that are broken cannot be fixed. I backed up the truck with the trailer hitched, towards the pasture's iron gates. They were always cool to the touch even in summer, they'd only get warm the most on very hot days. I flew open the iron gates and grabbed a harness to slip Opal into. Opal was surprisingly reluctant to go, even stomped in front of me to scare me away. This didn't seem like the Opal I've always known. The sun was disappearing allowing the sky to turn into a bright orange; the sun wasn't waiting on us and after a while with only a slither of sun left, I gave up when she ran away from me again. I took a heavy sigh and just accepted it. I closed the rusty iron gates before locking it, as well as the trailer. I unhitched the trailer and turned off my truck. Going back inside the house I got all dressed up, which was rare. I wore a black dress with cherries on it, it complimented my figure and I only brought out this dress for special occasions usually due to the fabric I picked out for it. Silk and polyester, it took me a few months to get everything down and tailor it to how'd I want it. I thought maybe today I could bring it out n enjoy the night with a glass of wine in town. I hopped in my truck and drove off the farm towards the freeway. By the time I got to the fair it was completely dark and you could see from miles away where the fair was. The lights were so bright, enough to illumanate around the fair almost like a statdium was beign constructed there. However when you approached the fair grounds you could hear the music and crowds of people talking an luaghing get louder as you drew more closer. Felt almost as a family gathering, I knew though that it wasn't. People were just very friendly with eachother and many people who came to county fairs to show off their livestalk or garden knew most of the people. I found some parking in the far back of the lot. Stopping my truck, I put it in park and hopped out locking it behind me. I started to walk towards the entrance; the entrance had a large sign with bulbs all around the edge, It spelled out county fair in what looked like to be in big western letters. The place was almost packed with varity of adults, teens, and kids. Sweet melody music played and entances me into its surroundings. I walked along the drit path looking at the vendors each one completely diffrent then the next one. I wondered around for a bit until I found myself at the animal pins, like always I gravitate towards the animals like a 6th sense. This year they had red silk ribbons wrapped around the top of the wooden animal pins. The red silk stood nicely out; I wanted to touch the silkie red ribbon as it looked so soft, however I knew I couldn't as it raged telling me no, glaring at me in its shiny self. I petted some of the animals there before I left and went on my way to see the attrations. Usually one of the attractions is the ferris wheel but it never interested me, to many people; family gathering their to enjoy the ride, taking pictures, something I just never came around to even if I ever did have a family. My favorite spot, which is still kind of new to me is the bar. I turned 21 a couple days ago and the vendor that goes to the county fairs is a local bar in my area. They are very nice and for my 21st birthday gave me a couple beers and shots of whisky for free. Now they felt like family to me, always seeming like they are really interested in your life they like they are apart of your life. Shelia The owner and bartender remembers my name now, always trying to hire me on as a waitress saying "you know you'd make a great addition to my bar" or "have you ever had a job before? I could give you one," she's even tried "Marci I need these to go on table 4 outside." Shelia could sometimes be overbearing but I get why she says that as well; in my eyes I feel as if people see me as a outcast, lonely, hardworking. I finally arrived at Shelias vendor coming in through the arch way I could hear her yelling at me already, "Marci, glad to see my favorite customer, come in and have a seat at the bar, talk to me while I tend." I smiled joyously "im coming, im coming, I can only walk so fast in these high heels." Shelia chuckled barking back to me "on a blind date or what?" I laughed telling her with a smoothness " Of course, thats why im here not for a glass of wine to drink by myself." Shelia and I laughed chit chatting awhile about whats been happening with each other. I drank some red duck wine that she placed down on the bar for me; it was soothing going down feeling as if it was trying to butter me up for something. Shelia as she was whiping down some of the glasses asking me "so how is it like living alone out there, by yourself?" The question threw me off I looked at her puzzled "its fine why do you ask?" Shelia responded back after being quiet for a bit "I couldn't see myself doing that, i'd be scared, s**t i'm scared for you." I set down the glass of wine looking at her dead in the face "We all are different people, just look at us, your a people person while I like being by myself." She sighed "could you at least work for me instead so I know you're fine." I knew deep down inside she was a motherly person and cared about everyone however I know who I am; this conversation started to irritate me so I told her, holding back the angry under tones that wanted to leap out of my voice, "Look I don't really wanna talk about this right now, lets talk about something else shall we?" Shelia looked disturbed for a second before quickly getting back to her usual self, friendly, smilely, bubbly. She said loudly pouring more wine in my cup "this ones on the house." We both laughed throughout the night. I came home around 1 Am: of course I was buzzed. I pulled up the driveway, my eyes were already heavy I felt like I needed to sleep for 17 years. As I hopped out of the truck, my foot got caught on the step. I fell face forward on to the ground. I winced in pain as a rocks jabbed the side of my face. Pulling myself up off the ground, I unhooked my foot from the step. My foot hurt really bad so I carefully got up from my driveway, after shutting the truck door I limped to my front porch step. I sat down making sure not to put any weight on my foot. I tried to move around so my front porch light could shine on it. Once I got a good look at it, I almost cried cause of how red and swollen my ankle was already. I tried to take my heel off however to no avail. All of a sudden I felt this cloak of regret on me, as if I shouldnt have came back to the house buzzed or atleast should've taken off my heels. I very slowly gotten up off the porch, n made my way to my front door. I pulled out my keys unlocking the bolt lock as I went to the knob lock I heard something like someone yelling out but far away from me. I snapped my head back, my eyes trying to readjust into the dark abyss. I could see the front of my truck however after the side mirrors I only saw a barely visible outline. I looked around at the other neighbors house like Ms. Diablos, Mr & Mrs Hamilton, even the empty house that was up for sale right next to the Hamiltons. No ones light was on however the neighbors on the other side of me were. I never seen them before or even heard of them. I didn't really put too much thought in it, figuring that it was my imagination playing games, I returned to my locked knob. unlocking it I went inside shutting the door, I made sure to lock it before attened to my foot. I made haste to my box of embroidery tools, I flopped down on my couch, quickly going through it I found my tiny scissors. I immeaditly cut off the strap from my heel that wrapped around the top of my ankle, carefully slipping off the heel. I sighed resting my whole leg on the couch. Rubbing my temples I started to drift off into sleep each time my lids came crashing down I felt a gentle wave tugging me to leave reality behind & dream. Before I knew it I was asleep dreaming about anything, everything.