Arranged Imperfectly

YOUR WIFE

Have you ever had a lot of people around you, but still felt incredibly alone?

Have you ever been so carefree that you eventually lost everything?

Do not allow the people or this world make you resentful, and do not allow other people's behavior make you feel cold on the inside.

Mrs Muskan:

It took me a long time to learn many lessons, but I only recently realized that hurting other people just because you were hurt is unacceptable.

I looked at the time and saw that it was 12 am, which is how long I had been waiting for my husband since today's nikkah.

I have lived for 26 years, and in that time, a lot has happened. A sad smile appeared on my face as I rested my head on our king-size bed's headboard. I had warned him to stay out of my life because I wanted retribution, and I even threatened to ruin his parents' lives if he tried to interfere. I mean, these are the same people who twice shielded me from the media, the harsh outside world, those goons, and my ex.

Almighty, what have I done?I asked myself, feeling sorry for myself. I have hurt some really wonderful people.

After you have betrayed trust, it is difficult to regain it.

Yes, Allah, please help me. Please give me your blessings. Every day, I will strive to be a better person.

I never realized the importance of praying on time; instead, I spent my Friday nights clubbing and Saturdays going on excursions that lasted until late at night. I hardly ever read the holy Qur'an more than once a month and skipped most of the prayers. I was choking on guilt because I had done so much wrong, but Allah had sent the one person to save me just when I needed him.

Although everything was misarranged, was it really misarranged according to the plan? Allah had it all planned.

When the door cracked, I snapped out of my reverie and looked at my husband, who was standing there without even glancing at me.

He shut the door behind him, and I sat up straight. Rather than approaching me, he simply grabbed his laptop and phone and started going through some papers that were strewn all over his desk.

He had changed into a night suit and was typing furiously while checking his message. His eyebrows were raised slightly and he had a frown on his forehead. I wish I could see the color of his eyes, and I wish I could take away some of his anxiety. Though he was hurt, I knew he cared.

Without even looking at me, he gave me the order, "Change your clothes and go to bed." He simply stood there looking away as I continued to stare at his back in hopes of getting his one glance. Like my face was not valuable.

Even though I knew he did not even see, I just nodded.

After carefully getting up and putting on my nightgown, I opened my bag, chose a basic long-sleeved nightgown, and used the restroom. I was ashamed of what I had done, so I sobbed and occasionally cleaned my face.

My eyes started to fill with tears. I ignored them, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw that the girl had completely changed.

I had a round, pale face, no smile, light-dark circles under my black eyes, messy hair from all the pins I started taking out, and very little makeup because I did not want them to overdo it or put a wig in my hair; I liked my hair natural.

I had guys after me. I used to talk to them and flirt back, wiping my hands because I was so self-conscious. My hands have committed countless sins. Right now, I do not even have love from my husband.

Have I become so ugly as a result of everything that has happened? I was never shy, and now I am the complete opposite.

Is any girl ugly? I do not think so. I used to be proud of myself and my beauty, but now that everything has happened and people have made negative comments? That did lead to low self-esteem in me.

People will pass judgment, but keep in mind that they have not been through anything remotely close to what you have.

"Are you going to stay in there forever?"Imad's deep voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I tried to hurry despite many difficulties. I attempted to remove the dress because I did not want to call him for help.

"I am coming," I said quietly, rinsing my face. I performed ablution because I had read somewhere, and even Imad's mother instructed me to do so before sleeping.

I got out of the bathroom, but he was still very busy.

Please look at me; I am sorry.

"Switch off the light and sleep, tomorrow is going to be a long day," was all I got on our first night together, and he was back to work.

"I am sorry," I murmured, knowing he heard.

"It is okay," he said, but I knew it wasn't, given how much had happened in such a short period of time.

I went to sleep, but sleep never came; instead, I kept stealing glances at my husband every now and then.

No matter what happens, you are mine, and I am your wife. I will try to be a better wife, a better Muslimah, a better daughter-in-law....I will do anything to make our marriage work and win your heart.

He closed his laptop, joined me on the bed, and said, "I am travelling to Dubai tomorrow for an important meeting." However, he slept on the opposite side of the bed, keeping the greatest distance possible between us.

I silently prayed for him and said, "Safe journey," but he turned off the light and walked away without giving me another look. I knew I was wrong, but did not I deserve another chance?

"Stop acting like you do care," he said angrily, turning off the little light that had been left on. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I started crying again. I knew I felt safe with him, but I was also terrified of the dark ever since that day.

So much changed in my life one minute I had everything and the next minute everything was taken from me because of my faults.

Whatever happens, I will make an effort to correct my errors.

Since I am your wife and we are married, I stared at the ceiling until darkness overcame me.