Escaping Reality

How did things get so bad? It's a question I have asked myself for the past 5 years. Well, at least when I'm sober enough which is almost never. Even when I am, I already know the answer. I can pinpoint the exact moment my life changed. The exact moment everything was taken from me. Usually, by this point, I don't let myself think any further cause I always have my escape right in front of my face. My escape takes away all the pain. It makes me forget for a while and when I just come back down, it's always there to embrace me again. The guy sitting next to me expertly drags the razor on the table, creating two perfect white lines. Ever since I woke up this morning, I've been anxious. First, I had trouble realizing where the hell I was but that's nothing new. Then, the thoughts came and I couldn't get my next hit for a while. But now that it's right in front of me, I waste no time pressing my finger to one side of my nose and lean down to sniff. Leaning back against the couch, I let the feeling sink in. Snorting a couple of times to make sure. The guy follows my lead. I start to giggle, happy when the thoughts leave and just that same numb I always revel in. "What's your name sugar?" The guy asks, eyeing me with interest. "Eliana. But sometimes people just call me Ellie or whatever." I can feel my face stretch as I grin back at this guy. "Name's Cole. I do believe you are the most prettiest person here." His hand comes down to rest on my knee. I study his face more closely. Cole isn't bad-looking and he's staring at me as most guys do. My senses fly all over the place as his hand slowly inches up my thigh. I am hyperaware of everything going on around me. The music playing throughout this small house, the noise of people scattered everywhere, his hand on me. "Ellie! Babe, come dance with me!" A voice yells energetically right beside me. Completely forgetting about Cole, I stand up to hug my best friend, Katie. She takes my hand walking towards the middle of the room. Our laughter mixing in with all the other sounds as I sway my hips against hers. The euphoria bursting through me. For the next hour, I dance, taking a break once to go find Cole. He pulls me down onto his lap as he quickly prepares our lines. This time when I go to dance, I take him with me. I don't mind when he starts getting grabby. I don't mind when he takes me to a secluded spot and claims my mouth with his. I don't care about anything. I'm high and everything's fine. I blindly follow him to a bedroom, laughing when he pushes me back onto the bed. It isn't until that my shirt is lifted off and my bra ripped open when I start to feel the effects slowly ebb away. I try to push at his chest, but he grabs both my wrists and lifts them above my head, holding tightly. Everything after that, I shut down. Once he's done, he rolls off of me. I wish I could say that I'm not used to this but the ugly truth is that this is my life. The life that I wish I could fully escape. The life that I wish could just end. Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~•~•~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~•~•~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~•~•~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~•~•~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Sometimes, I feel like I can barely make it through the day without the remorse eating me alive. Today is one of those days. Since I got up the morning and saw a guy sleeping next to me and bruises on my wrist, I threw up. I wonder how someone can hold all this self-loathing inside and still continue living. "Yo, Zombie, you awake?" My boss, Danny, plops down next to me. "Oh, yeah Sorry. Rough night." I mumble. "Mhm. Did you sleep at all?" "Yeah." I slept with every painful memory terrorizing me. "Mhm." "Could you stop making that sound. Seriously, I did sleep but I'm fine." I snap. "Go home and get some rest Eliana. You look like shit." "Well, aren't you so nice. Thanks Danny." Sarcasm drips from my words. "I'm very nice." He retorts. "But seriously, go. This place is always dead on Saturdays." He gestures around the library. I nod but don't say anything more. The shitty apartment I live in with Katie is only a block down from the library so I have no problem with walking to and from. I don't have the money to afford a cab or bus anyways so it works even though I hate walking. I'm just starting to turn the corner when I collide with something, sending me falling back. I brace myself for the hit but it never comes. Instead, I feel solid, strong arms wrap around me and pull me up. "f**k, I am so sorry! I had no idea you were right there." A deep voice greets my ears and for a second I'm too stunned to say anything. "Watch where you're going asshole." I snap but any annoyance I had vanishes when I look up into a pair of ocean blue eyes. "I really am sorry." I notice that my mouth is still open and I instantly snap it shut. Silently cursing myself, "Yeah, whatever." I grumble, more annoyed at myself for looking like an i***t. "I'm Evan." He offers his hand out. This guy has a nice hand. What the actual f**k Eliana?! Despite myself yelling at me not to, my eyes follow from the hand up and long, tanned arm to probably the hottest guy I have ever seen. He has rich, coffee-colored hair that is unkempt that makes his devastatingly gorgeous face appear rugged. And those eyes. Wow. "And you are?" He asks, a smirk on his face when I don't reply. "Doesn't concern you, now get the hell outta my way." My eyes narrow, not liking the fact that he caught me checking him out. "Not until you tell me your name." "No." "Not moving then." He grins like this is some sort of game. We stare at each other. I'm silently fuming and him grinning from ear to ear. "Eliana." I huff, ready to just go inside and forget about this asshole. "Pretty name for a pretty girl." I curse myself again for the reaction his words have on me. Rolling my eyes, I shove him out of the way and practically stomp the rest of the way. I can hear him laughing from behind me so I turn around a flip him off which only increases his laughter. Asshole. Finally reaching the apartment, I unlock the door and sigh when I see Katie is still not back yet. Throwing my bag down by the door, I head towards the shower. I feel disgusting and I just need to wash the day off, even though I know it doesn't work that easy. I do deserve the way I feel and I will never forget that. After I am cleaned and dried off, I stare in the mirror. My red hair is a tangled mess hanging down to my waist. I would brush it but I haven't the energy. I do look like s**t. My normal sky blue eyes are bloodshot and bags are starting to show. I'm not tall to begin with, just 5'3" though now I seem smaller and fragile. Disgusted with myself, I flip off the light switch and go lay down. It doesn't take me long until I am asleep.