I Belong With . . . (Book 2)

Chapter Four / The Burden of Secrets

Chris came to check on me, but I didn’t bother even looking at him. There wasn’t much he could say to fix this at this point. So he slowly closed the door and walked back out, leaving me alone in the dark. 

With everything happening, the family were the last people I wanted to talk to. I let them down; how was I supposed to face them after this? The disappointment . . . there was no way my father or my mother could be supportive. What was there to be supporting over? My nudes were out there, all their friends . . . employees, even their bosses would have seen their daughters breasts spread across national tv. Who would want to talk to me after that? I made them a laughing stock. 

The sound of my phone vibrating against the bedside table had me lifting my head from the pillow squinting at the brightness blaring from the screen.

Zara.

I’d spent most of my life with my sister as a bully; her disgust wouldn’t be anything new. In fact, it would probably feel more familiar. 

Besides, she seemed to go through a hell of a lot of trouble just to get to me. What was the point of keeping the radio silent?

“H-hello?” I croaked into the phone.

“Fay? Oh my God, Fay, thank God! Do you know how hard I’ve been trying to reach you? How worried I’ve been?” I couldn’t help the slight smile at the sound of her voice. I’d missed it. Even the angry high pitch squeal she seemed to give off at the end of each and every single word. “Why the hell wouldn’t you call me?!”

“I. . .I’m sorry I just . . . “ my throat choked up again, and I couldn’t keep my voice from breaking as I forced out the following words, “I couldn’t take hearing the dis-“

“No.” She suddenly yelled, cutting me off. “Don’t finish that sentence because if you think for one moment that, that was the kind of reaction you were going to get from me or wanted. . .I’m gonna have to disappoint you.”

“What?”

“You did nothing wrong, Fay. You were violated. You took a nude a million years ago; that’s not a criminal offence. Do you know what it is? Posting them for everyone else to see. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.” I felt the tears stream down my face as I tried to settle my breathing, my teeth digging into my bottom lip. “You did nothing wrong. The world is what’s wrong for doing what they’re doing. They’re the ones that should be ashamed going after you rather than the actual lawbreaker. Please, sis, I’m begging you. . . you can’t let this break you. You’re stronger than this; you got through years of bullying; you went through years of having the worlds shittest sister. . . you can get through this.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered into the phone. My sister didn’t know; she had no idea I was already married and to have to explain how bad this is cutting. . . what it seems to be doing to us . . . I’d have to tell her that, and I couldn’t take hearing the betrayal in her voice. 

“Of course you can! What about Chris? What’s he doing?” I went silent, a sob racking through my chest. “Fay? He doesn’t blame-“

“No. But it’s tough; they’re going after him too.”

“Yeah, but it’s not his d**k that’s splattered on TV. It’s not as hard for him. He needs to be there for you.”

“He is.” I lied. Nothing about any of this felt like he was there for me. “But your little spy showing up out of the blue didn’t exactly help.”

“I know, but what else was I supposed to do? You weren’t answering Fay. I know what this kind of thing can do to a woman. It happened to a girl in my high school once; it destroyed her. I couldn’t let that happen to you, so yeah, I sent the cavalry, but I’m f*****g glad I did.” She ranted, her voice stopping just for a moment so she could take a mouthful of air to keep going. “Now is when you need us, Fay. It would help if you had your family. Call Nicky and Sandra even! That girl has been texting like mad, I don’t even know how she got my number, but it just shows how many people are on your side.”

Sandra? I hadn’t spoken to Sandra in years, we hadn’t precisely left off on excellent terms, but the university was a lifetime ago . . .the fact she still cared to check up on me . . . well, I guess it meant something. 

“Let us in, Fay. You don’t need to face this alone.” But I do. It was my mistake; no one could possibly take it from me. This was mine to walk alone.

“I know,” I breathed instead, knowing there was no point in arguing. 

Something suddenly had clicked in me, or at least off. I seemed to zone out, Zara’s words to drowning out until my thoughts were roaring in my mind. Finally, she let me go with a promise that as soon as I was back in England, we would meet. I threw my phone back on the bed and dragged myself into the bathroom, leaning against the sink as I took in my reflection. 

It was then that I realised . . . it didn’t matter what people. It didn’t matter how much support they poured over me; nothing could change the way my mind turned on itself. Nothing could make me feel okay again because I didn’t believe it. I didn’t see myself the way I had tried for years too. I was my own enemy . . . I was the worse one. 

My fingers curled around the front of my shirt, yanking the material hard against my shoulders. 

This hate was something else, and it was consuming me. 

My skin crawled with disgust just at the idea of someone seeing me, it was like the whole world had x-ray vision, and they could see below my clothes. I was bare. Chris looked right through me but the world? Their eyes were trained on the stain that now seemed painted onto my flesh. 

Even if they weren’t . . . I couldn’t train myself to believe it. 

But Julian . . . he didn’t look at you like that . . . he didn’t look through you . . . 

That thought alone was too dangerous to let in, the deep pits in my stomach told me enough, and if the past were anything to go by, it would be a disaster. 

Another soft knock rasped through the door, and I quickly wiped at my tears, trying to erase any evidence of my thoughts, but my puffy red eyes were the biggest giveaway—nothing I can do about that. 

“Fay?” Jad’s voice sounded before the door appeared open just an inch. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I mumbled, wiping my nose before hurrying out to see him standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. I sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to me. “You can sit if you want.”

“Thanks,” his voice wavered a little, and the awkwardness at this moment was almost too much to bear as he sat keeping his eyes from mine. “I’m sorry, about everything.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not your fault.” I whispered, rolling my eyes at the situation I’d suddenly found myself in.

For a few moments he didn’t say anything, he just sat there all scrunched up with his hands tucked away into his jacket. 

“How is Chris taking it?” He finally managed to force out, his face had seemed to drop a few shades of red and I couldn’t help but narrow my eyes at the way he shifted uncomfortably. What the hell was going on with him?!

“How do you think? When he first found out he . . . stormed out, got drunk and attacked a reporter. Does that sum it up? Or how about, he’s in hiding? Bit simpler.”

“I’m so sorry,” this time his eyes had widened a little and he finally turned to look at me but only for a second.

“Again, its not your fault.”

“You guys were so happy, I didn’t think anything could pull you guys apart-“ Neither did I.

“Its just the start of the storm. We’ll get through it.” I mumbled knowing full well, those words were sown together with absolutely no conviction. But regardless, I didn’t wanna sit here talking about my doomed relationship. “Anyway, where you guys staying?”

He looked a little taken back at the sudden change of topic but he didn’t fight it. “Um, Julians place, he’s got a barn not too far from here. But Fay, I wanna help you. I really do . . . you just need to tell me what to do and I will do it.”

His eyes glazed over, his desperation almost too overwhelming. 

“Okay but right now . . .I just need space. Space from the whole world.”

“I get that.” He mumbled with a sigh, “We’ll go. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine. Honestly.” Liar. 

With a quick sad nod, he took a few steps backwards towards the door before spinning to exit but paused by the open door looking back at me with a distant look in his eyes, his lips trembling a little like I’d noticed they had pretty much the whole time he’d been in here. Seriously, what is up with this guy? Does he have a few nudes floating around the internet or something too?! “Fay? Chris is an i***t if he can’t see you’re the one. Its not like you haven’t put up with a world of s**t for him.”

Well hey, wasn’t that the truth? A part of me had to wonder if those photos would have ever seen the light of day if we hadn’t gone public with our relationship. But that didn’t make him to blame. 

The minute Jed disappeared from the doorway I let out a long deep breath falling back on the bed with arms sprawled out. 

Could anything else possibly go wrong?

Probably not, what other secrets could be just worse then my leaked nudes?

Suddenly the voices in my head came to a halt, too afraid to mutter a whisper of a reminder. They didn’t need too. My hand slowly fell to my stomach and my skin turned ice cold, my heart breaking in my chest in a way I wished I could forget. It had been a year and whenever I remembered it still managed to destory a part of me. If that came out . . . that would be worse. That would make the world implode and Chris. . . oh God. No. 

No. 

No.

No.

I pushed it all down to the deepest darkest parts of my soul I could. That was the only way I’d survive, it was the only way I could protect him but that burden . . . that was worse than any nudes and I would do whatever it took to keep it buried deep inside me. No one could ever know. 

That’s when I realised what Jed being here meant. Jumping up straight on the bed, my mouth dropped open and my heart pounded against my ribcage. Chris and Julian were alone . . .but he wouldn’t-

He promised . . . he would never tell Chris. 

Yet, his that did nothing to calm me down and before I knew it I was rushing out the bedroom towards the kitchen only to find Chris standing by himself by an open fridge with a bottle of water in his hands. He looked over to me with an eyebrow raised, “You okay?”

“Yeah. Where’s Jed and Julian?” I asked, not caring about the low grunt that vibrated from his chest at the sound of Julian’s name.

“They just left. Why?”

“Nothing I just . . . I didn’t get to say bye to Julian.”

“And that’s a problem why?” the fact that he was standing there annoyed that he had shown up pissed me the hell off. So him inviting people without telling me was okay but Julian popping up wasn’t? I couldn’t help the way my eyes narrowed at him as the words fell out. 

“Because at least he doesn’t look at me like I destroyed his world. That’s the kind of person I’d rather be around and treat with a semblance of respect.” I saw the way the words hit him, his insecurity about Julian was always a sore spot but who the f**k cares? It wasn’t a complete lie. 

“Fay-“

“Don’t bother.” I breathed turning my back to walk away but paused to look at him over my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure that couch in the gym has your name on it. Goodnight.”

I didn’t give him a chance to say anything else as I walked back towards the bedroom and shut the door, pushing the chest of draws up against it to stop him from coming in incase he decided one of those late night ‘get it off our chests’ talk was a good idea. Honestly, I didn’t want anything but to just be left alone and that included Chris. 

These past couple of days have been some of the worst in my life and the fact I didn’t have my safe place in between his arms left me lost. The sheets had to do like they did back in high-school. I’d carve my safety net out of them but first. . .I needed to make sure Julian was still on the same page. 

I grabbed my phone and scanned for his name on my phone hesitating as the blank text message box popped up. 

Hey. . .

Can we meet tomorrow?x

I paused, my finger hovering over the send button. 

Chris would be enraged when he found out where and who I was going out with tomorrow morning, it could make everything between us worse.

But if anyone ever found out what I did . . . it would be over. 

I pressed send quickly watching as the blue bar filled up notifying me it had been sent. 

I had to make sure Chris would never find out. I had no choice.