Vicious Circles

Part 1: Causes and Missing Parts Never thought life would be this hard. Hearing voices inside my head, doing things that I wouldn't normally do. It's not nice living with something you believe is true. Well to start from the beginning, it all started in secondary school. I was bullied and had friends who would use me, yes I know most children that age are like that but it hurt me mentally, and took away parts of me I miss. Secondary school was hard for me I couldn't sit still but never distracted anyone in a class, never got "C points" as we call it and nearly never got told off. I was top of the school for 3 years on praise points and had 100 percent attendance for 3 years in a row. Until year 9, everything seemed to go down hill. I still never got into trouble but I was frightened of people around me. I would be scared of teachers, specific teachers and my heart would race just being around them. I would act strangely to get attention of them because I was a needy child and always wanted to be praised. All the way up to year 9 teachers would say I was top of class and would always be called a teachers pet by peers. I was always bullied for putting 110 percent into everything and always bullied for being me. Fast forward to year 9 again were all went don't hill. Back to when times were even harder and the constant staying up for hours upon hours upon hours being terrified of specific teachers in my school. Thinking of different scenarios I put my self into, it was almost like ptsd. I remember at school I would feel like these specific teachers that I was scared of were staring at me so I would always look at them to see. When I say scared I meant petrified...Well this went on for years for 2 years. Then on March the 12th I had an phycotic episode. Part 2: Mid Phycosis Leading into the early hours of the morning of March the 13th, I was woken up to voices stating I was on tv and they introduced them self's as Ant and Dec. In other words I was on there tv show, well...thats what I thought was the case. I went went down stairs turned on the light down Stairs and made myself a drink. Unfortunately I was waiting to receive tickets to go on a flight on holiday. So I listened to the voices I went into the living room with a pad and paper and watched my watch, constantly watching it. I saw my heart rate go up and down. Up meant yes and down meant no at the time. If I remember correctly I had a pad and pen in my hand that I took down stairs with me following the instructions of the voices. After drinking some juice after the voices had told me to go down stairs I asked the voices on a pad am I on ant and Dec's show, they said yes. I said should I open the presents on the table they replied, yes. I opened all of my uncles birthday presents as I was expecting a ticket to be in there, if you are from the uk you know what show I'm talking about. I was so unhappy it was worse than grief for me. I know this sounds stupid but I loved praise and rewards so this was so damaging to my mental health. When I was down stairs not long after opening my uncles presents, my mum and dad came down, thinking that someone had broken in. I hid under the stairs as there was a gap there and waited for them to go past but as I left the gap they saw me. They told me to sit down in the living room and asked why I opened all the presents for. No answer came from my mouth. I still thought this was part of the show so I acted strangely on purpose to go along with the "show" for some odd reason. Part 3: Emotions Days after I was brought into CAHMS. My parents explained everything to them. I was clearly ill and was diagnosed with an episode of physcosis. They kept an eye on me and put me on some medication called arapriprazol which I felt there were side effects that damaged me but in the long term made me better. Arapriprazol has helped me gain confidence and come back to my near self. After receiving the diagnosis I felt better but at the same time worse, as no one new what was going on exactly inside my head. I new from that day that I needed to work to get me back as my brain chemistry had changed. I think a few days after I had gone missing from home were I was gone from home letting the impractical joker's lead me away from my house in directions I couldn't recognise properly. Anyway about an hour later my mum found me on the way back from work as I was walking toward the bridge thinking about giving up. My mum saved my life on that days which I will never forget. I don't know how long after but I had this massive panic attack that I thought a lady called Janet was dying and that I had to keep her alive so I could survive. I know this sounds a bit selfish but it was my natural instinct. My heart rate went up to 190 beats but when the ambulance got there I was much calmer allowing the paramedic to do vitals and what not. Anyway I was in hospital for 3 days and the mental health team gave the help I needed. Part 4: Missing About 2 years later I went missing again in college. Not just that but I went missing 4 times and had 2 noticeable attempts to leave this world. I felt I had nothing but family kept me going. When I went missing it lasted for up to 5 hours leading to police involvement this was scary but they helped me as I soon came back as I had text messages by my mum asking were I was. My mum and dad were so relieved to find me and luckily the police had only just arrived when I went missing. The attempt that nearly took my life too soon saved me as now I don't want to leave this beautiful world and I make the most of my life. I have gradually put my life back together and have learnt from all my experiences. What helped me the most was family and smiling at people this helps me get through the through the times. Part 5: Vicious Circles Eventhough I am better now, I still get the occasional downfall were I feel low but I know the strongest people have the most challenges. I still am working on myself 4 and a half years on and know that overtime things will get better. I still get tired everyday and feel that everything is a massive chore and keep on going in loops with trying then not trying which I call a vicious circle but I know it can be possible to get out of. Many people still like me and I know that I like them but I know it's going to still be a hard journey ahead. I just wish that people would understand me more and not underestimate my intelligence and kindness as I know tomorrow we may not be here. Part 6: Who's got it harder? I know that many people out there suffer with physosis and I know many people have it harder than me. I know that time is valuable and many things are a working progress but only I can make a difference and change it. Every person in this world has a choice so make the right choices in life before actioning it. Part 7: 2023 Last year I have struggled with regulating my emotions and had to go to hospital a couple of times. I have managed to get myself back together and thank myself for trying. My heart goes out to anyone with physocsis as I know it's hard and can relate with you, I know I don't and probably never will understand your physcosis fully as I'm not inside your head but at least we can relate to each other. As time goes on I wish everyone the best and hope that you get the help you needed as I know life can get tough. Part 8: Physcosis Even when times get tough know your stronger then you think and you will get through like I did. Like I said before time is valuable so don't waist it. For me I'm just getting my life back together but for some there life was lost too soon. I feel for everyone who has lost a loved one from physcosis or mental health issues. They is No one in this world who needs to take there life for something that can be fixed. keep trying and you will get there. Keep trying and life will reward you back with love and kindness that will warm your heart with joy. smile and spread kindness...