The Diary of Modern Cinderella

Prologue Throughout all my life, mom is always by my side. After all, I spend most of my time with her. We do pretty much everything together, from playing to cooking in the kitchen. She even helps me with my homework. She can be strict to me most of the time. But she doesn’t feel angry when I make mistakes. “I want you to keep this in mind, Risa,” she says, “We learn a lot more from mistakes. Don’t feel bad only because you’ve made a mistake. Everyone does.” I feel relieved when mom says that to me. Thanks to her, I don’t blame myself for the mistakes I’ve made. That’s also the same with my friends’ mistakes. Instead of making them feel guilty, I encourage them to reflect their mistakes. At least they won’t repeat the same thing again next time. Mom sure taught me many lessons about life, but this one lesson struck me the most. Mom may only be a typical Japanese housewife, but it doesn’t mean that housework is the only thing she knows. She also knows a lot of things. But she keeps on telling me that she doesn’t know everything. Even at such a young age, I already know that mom doesn’t know everything. But the fact that she’s knowledgeable about many things is enough for me to envy and respect her. Back then, mom used to work as a police officer in the traffic division in Yokohama Police Department. And dad was an inspector in the criminal investigation division. They got married a few years after that. Before they got married, dad already knew that she was suffering from a heart problem. And she could die at any given moment. So, he suggested her to quit her job and looked after the family instead. He didn’t want her health to deteriorate because of their hectic working schedule. With mom who was no longer working, dad became our sole breadwinner in the family. He was willing to do anything for her as long as she wouldn’t fall sick. And dad became stricter to her after I was born. After a few years have passed, he’s still working in the same division. But now, he’s a superintendent of the criminal investigation division. Because of his job, he rarely comes home. He will only come back when he doesn’t get involved in the major criminal cases. He also doesn’t get an off day that frequent. So, we usually plan for the family outing whenever he has a break. I always assume that dad may not want to go anywhere whenever he has a day off. But he doesn’t seem to mind at all to bring me anywhere I want to go during his break. “Let’s go to Mount Fuji next time,” I say to mom, feeling enthusiastic about it. Mom only smiles and nods at me. “Sure, I’ll tell him about it when he comes back,” she replies. For some reason, I have a feeling that mom is hiding something from me. She may be smiling at me and behaves like her usual self. But I can’t seem to brush it off that something is not right with her. She usually looks enthusiastic whenever I’m suggesting a place we should go. But this time, her enthusiasm seems to wane off. Is her heart problem bothering her? I don’t feel like asking her anything. Maybe I’m being way too sensitive about it. Even if my hunch is right, I don’t even know how to broach this subject without making her feeling guilty. Ever since I notice mom’s strange behavior, I begin to pay attention to how she behaves around me. For the most part, I don’t see anything strange about it. The only thing I notice is her mind seems to wander off. And there is also a time where she puts her hand on her chest. Because of her strange behavior, I begin to worry that something bad will happen to her as soon as she’s out of my sight. I wish that I can do something to ease her pain. It pains me to see how much she’s been suffering. “Mom, can I skip school for today? I don’t want to leave you alone, especially when I see you in this condition,” I say to her. I may only be a fifth-grader. But I can tell that mom is suffering from her heart problem. “It’s alright, Risa,” she replies, “You shouldn’t skip school for my sake. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine after I take my medication.” Despite feeling reluctant, I still go to school like I always do. I wish that I can stay at home and look after her. But mom doesn’t allow me to do that. I can only hope that mom will be alright after she takes her medication. I feel relieved that she looks much better when I come back from school. Every day, I always imagine what I will do if something bad will happen to mom. I never thought that my nightmare becomes a reality so soon. Mom was lying unconscious in the corridor when I came back from school. I already had a bad feeling before I came home. So, I rush back home after the school over. It looks like my hunch is right, after all. Mom’s condition becomes even worst for the past few days. So, she collapsed when I was in school. Feeling panic, I call the ambulance. I also call dad to inform him about mom. “Risa, I want you to give the first aid to mom while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. So, calm down and follow my instructions,” dad tells me. I can’t help but cry. I become panic since it’s my first time seeing mom like this. “But dad, I’ve never done it before,” I say to him, crying. “Don’t worry, Risa,” dad says to me, “I know you can do it. I may not be by your side. But I’m right here with you. Remember, you’re not alone.” Despite feeling panic, I begin to perform the first aid on mom by following dad’s instructions. Dad then instructs me to check mom’s breathing and identify if there is any sign of injury on her body. I feel relieved when I notice that mom is still breathing. And there are no injuries occur to her when she collapsed. After that, dad instructs me to position mom on her back. He also wants me to grab a stool from the kitchen to restore the blood flow to her brain. The stool seems to be high enough to raise her legs above the heart level. So, I guess that should be good enough for her. “Is mom still unconscious?” Dad asks me. I shake my head. “No, she’s not,” I reply. Dad pauses for a while and begins to instruct me again after that. “If that’s the case, then I want you to check any sign of breathing or any movement. If there’s no sign of breathing or any slight movement, then I want you to perform CPR on her. Use both of your hands and press it on her chest. You need to keep on doing it until the ambulance arrives.” Dad hangs up after that. Without wasting time, I begin to perform CPR on mom, hoping that she will wake up anytime soon. Even after doing CPR for a while, mom remains unconscious. I can’t help but cry even more. Now I begin to doubt if what I do is correct or not. I may have made a mistake that will jeopardize mom’s survival rate. But I continue to perform CPR on her despite the doubt feeling. I don’t even leave mom’s side to inform the neighbors about her. Mom’s survival is depending on me right now. The ambulance arrives around twenty minutes after I’ve made the call. The paramedics come inside, bringing in necessary equipment to check mom’s condition. “Were you the one who gave her the first aid?” One of the paramedics asks me. I nod my head, looking worried. “The reason why she fainted was because of her weak heart condition. Your first aid somehow was able to prolong her life. But we still need to bring her to the hospital,” the paramedic says to me. The paramedics then put her on the stretcher and transport her inside the ambulance. “May I know about your relationship with the patient?” One of the paramedics asks me as they’re about to leave. “She’s my mom,” I say to them, “Can I come with her? My dad is working in Yokohama. It will take a while for him to bring me to the hospital. So, I want to be by her side for the time being.” The paramedics seem skeptical of allowing me to ride in the ambulance with them. But after a few minutes of discussion, they finally allow me to be onboard with mom. “I guess you should come with us. Your mom may feel much better when you are by her side. It’s also possible for her to wake up on our way to the hospital,” one of them says to me. Without wasting time, I begin to lock the door and hop into the ambulance. Once we’re inside the ambulance, the paramedics begin to diagnose mom’s condition. “We’re going to check your mom’s condition with this. It’s called electrocardiogram,” one of them explains, “It’s also known as ECG for short. We need to see her heart’s rhythm. Did she tell you anything about her sickness?” I nod my head. I’m aware of her heart problem. But I don’t know the severity of her condition. One of the paramedic pats my shoulder. “It’s alright. We’ll do what we can to save your mom until we reach the hospital. You did a good job with prolonging her life with CPR,” one of the paramedics says to me. I feel somewhat relieved when I find out that my action can save mom’s life. The only thing I need to do now is to pray that mom will be alright after this. Dad arrives at the hospital while mom is still in the emergency room. I cry as soon as I see him. “Risa, I’m sorry. It must be tough for you to handle something like this on your own,” dad says to me while trying to comfort me. After that, we wait until the operation is over. As soon as the emergency room light goes off, the doctor then walks toward us with a grief look. “There’s something I’d like you to know,” he says to dad. The doctor leaves us after that. As dad is about to follow the doctor, I pull dad’s arm, hoping that he will bring me to see the doctor as well. “Can I bring my daughter with me?” Dad asks him. “You can choose not to bring her. But she deserves to know. With your wife’s current condition, I don’t think it’s wise to keep something like this from her,” the doctor replies. I nod my head. Dad only sighs and brings me to the doctor’s office with him. Once we’re inside, the doctor then begins to explain about mom’s condition. “Judging from her current state, we’re not sure how long she’ll be able to live. We’ll do what we can to treat her. But you need to brace yourself for whatever outcome that will happen to her.” I become speechless when I hear the doctor’s word. My chest feels tight as I find it hard to swallow the news. Seeing that mom’s condition is rather critical, we’re not even allowed to visit her. Even after the long hour in the operation room, her condition doesn’t seem to improve at all. I guess that the only thing I can do for now is to hope for a miracle. While I do believe in the miracle, my heart is saying otherwise. Since we don’t know when mom will regain her consciousness, the nurse will let us know when she wakes up. Ever since that day, we have never received a call from the hospital. We go on with our usual life. That is until one day, we finally receive a call from the hospital. “We’re sorry, Inspector Akagi. We failed to save your wife. She suddenly had a heart complication as her condition was about to stabilize. We did what we could to stabilize her heart rate again. We’re sorry from the bottom our heart.” Both dad and I cry when we hear about the news. Mom’s funeral is held a few days later in a temple which is not far from our house. Only close friends and families are attending the wake. Grandma comes all the way from Sendai to attend the ceremony. Mom’s cousin, Aunt Sayaka is also coming all the way from Osaka to attend the funeral. She seems to resent dad whenever she sees him. She looks more like she’s blaming him for mom’s death. I feel so uncomfortable during the wake. I can’t stand the smell of the incense burning throughout the ceremony. I understand that burning incense will calm the spirit of the deceased. And it can also purify the surroundings and the people who are at the funeral. In fact, it can even help to sweeten the air. But I hate the smell. It looks like I have to bear with it until the priest is done with chanting a sutra in front of mom’s coffin. Dad begins to offer his prayer to mom while the priest is still chanting the sutra. After he’s done with offering his prayer, I’m the next person to do the same, followed by grandma afterward. The rest of the guests are following suit after that, with each of them offering prayer one person at a time. The wake is over once everyone is already offering their prayers and bow to the immediate family. A cremation process begins the next day. Only an immediate family and close relatives are present during the cremation. It’s hard for me to describe how I feel when I’m holding mom’s bones with a special chopstick and place them in a small pot. We’re going to bring her ashes back to our home and set it on the altar. I’m glad that the funeral is finally over. I never thought that a funeral could be this exhausting. “Risa, forgive me for asking you this. But I’m curious if you ever blame your dad for not looking after your mom. He knew that your mom was sick all this time. In fact, it was a miracle that she could live until you were in the fifth grade. He wasn’t even there when she needed him the most. He was rarely around too,” grandma asks me after we’re back from the crematory. At that time, dad already brings the small pot to the living room, leaving grandma and me in the hallway. I shake my head. For me, it’s useless to point a finger and blame someone for mom’s death. My hunch already convinced me that it would be my last time to see her. And her deteriorating heart health has nothing to do with dad. It’s unfortunate that she can’t live long enough. So, I don’t see the rationale for blaming dad. Grandma seems relieved when she finds out that I don’t blame him for what happened to mom. A few days after the funeral is over, we’re sending grandma to Kannai Station, a railway station in Yokohama. She’s heading back to Sendai by bullet train. “Shinya, I know how hard it is to take care of a child as a single father. It becomes even more challenging with you having a hectic job. And Risa is still young to be on her own. You may only be my son-in-law. But I care about you as much as I care about Rumiko,” grandma says to him. “Don’t worry about it, grandma,” I tell her, “I’ll do what I can to help dad with the family matters.” Dad smiles when he sees how confident I am. “Hey, that’s good to know. But you’d better be prepared,” dad teases me. Grandma chuckles when she sees that we’re doing fine even without having mom around. “I’m glad to know that you’re doing alright. But please take care of yourselves from now onwards.” I nod at grandma while making a pinky promise with her. I admit that my life will be a lot different from now onwards. But I know that I’ll be alright with dad by my side. And having him around is what matters to me the most.