Chasing Shadows

Chapter 5 Abandoned

The breeze from the open door caused the magazine pages to flutter softly and I stood there, transfixed, watching those pieces of paper moving, lifting and falling in the soft play of air, feeling utterly lost. She left. What now? My mind spun recklessly, what now, she left, what now? I couldn’t stay here, could I? Go back to work the next day, beg forgiveness and hope to make it on my own? Or did I go find Dante and go home to the mysteries my mother had left behind? Did I try to follow Diana? Though from experience I knew she’d be hard to follow.

Sadness swept over me then, the loneliness settling in. Id felt lonely before, new schools with no friends, but not once had I ever really been alone until this moment. With the wind whistling softly through the open door the apartment felt empty, abandon, myself right along with it. I wanted to cry, the turmoil of the evening having shattered all illusion of calm and now I just felt utterly lost. But I wouldn’t let myself cry, to crumble to the defeated feeling, no matter how much I wanted to.

Instead I closed my eyes against to hot burn of tears and forced a deep, cool breath into my lungs, and then another, and another. Forcing tense muscles to ease and my pulse to grow steady, until I could hear my heartbeat settle back into its normal tempo and a calm settled over me. I was not weak or helpless, I’d survive, even if I wasn’t entirely sure how just yet.

Opening my eyes I moved to close the door, twisting the lock into place with a sharp click and made my way to my small room, just down the hall from what had been my mothers slightly larger room. Unlike most teenagers rooms this rooms looked barren. No posters adorned the walls, no mementos on the shelves or pictures tucked into the mirror. I was so used to moving at the drop of a hat I’d long ago stopped trying to make these places feel like home. They never did. But unlike home it felt familiar and triggered a set of rules, behaviors Mother had drilled into me. Living under a rock meant being as unnoticeable as possible, and disappearing from work was hardly subtle.

Sighing softly I reached for my phone and called the owner, waking her up and with emotion in my voice lied through my teeth. I told her my mom was hurt and I’d rushed out and forgot to lock the lobby, I bit my lower lip and forced tears as I told her my mom was in the hospital. I could hear the older woman consoling me and sweetly telling me not to worry and she’d finish my shift and just call in the morning if I needed the day off. I thanked her and hung up the phone, running my fingers through my snarled hair, scowling as I pulled a twig from the curly mass, glaring down at it before flicking it into the waste basket.

The owner of the hotel was a kind older widow who lived out behind the business and just employed a few people to help with cleaning and check ins in the evenings. I was lucky she was such a soft touch, Id probably be able to hide everything regarding my odd life behind an artful tapestry of lies. If I was lucky I might even be able to hide out a few days and maybe Dante would move on thinking I’d fled with Diana and I’d be able to pick up the threads of a life i had here and continue forward.

It had been a long night and I could feel the weight of it dragging on my shoulders as I tried to think, to plan, anything. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so tired. With the reprieve of knowing my job was safe and I was at least for the moment safe, but I couldn’t understand how she could just leave me. I was nine days away from my birthday and my first shift. How could she leave me right now? Tears burned the back of my eyes but I refused to cry, pride winning in that moment, even alone refusing to pity myself for being abandoned by another parent. But the realization that I’d now been abandon by both my parents was impossible to escape as I forced myself away from the window and the forlorn view of the vacant street, lit by one lonely street light and started to undress.

My shoes were caked in mud and my socks were still pretty wet from wading through the creek, I cringed a bit pulling them off. Flipping my hair over my shoulder I unbuttoned and shrugged off the blouse leaving me in just a plain white bra that matched that white cotton panties I wore under the damp slacks I wasted no time in slipping out of. I tossed the clothes in the hamper and picked up the shoes, taking them with me to the bathroom down the hall. I washed them in the large sink, leaving them to dry in the empty basin. Then came the arduous task of picking the leaves and twigs from my hair. It took forever before I could run a brush through it and was finally able to get in the shower.

The water was warm against my chilled skin and I sighed in momentary pleasure and letting myself live in that as the water slide down my back and saturated my hair. It felt divine. With eyes closed I reached for the shampoo, pumping the slick fluid into my palm before massaging it into my scalp. With no mother to yell at me about wasting or using up the hot water I took my time washing and conditioning my hair, using my fancy body scrub and shaving just because I liked the smooth feel of my skin under my fingertips. I didn’t get out until the water started to cool.

The bathroom was full of steam when I cut off the water and stepped out of the shower, dripping onto the bath mat. Drying off with a fluffy towel I put on my thin robe that clung to my damp skin around my hips and thighs, and spent a few minutes combing and adding a bit of product to my unruly hair before pinning it up to air dry. I was humming softly to myself oddly buoyant as if no longer constrained by my mothers tight leash I might have some freedom, some choices and that was a heady feeling. I was thinking about making myself dinner and maybe even watching a movie when I opened the bathroom door and walked down the hall only to scream allowed at the sight of a large man standing in my living room.