Silent Prejudice

4

When I wake the next morning, my hand immediately reaches for my phone. I’m not sure why. I have no reason to expect a message from Zeno, but I look for one anyway. My breathing hitches when a notification shows a missed message, but it’s only Grace telling me she’s chosen an apartment in the city. I can’t summon even feigned interest, so I drop the phone back on my nightstand without responding. Gia stirs behind me. Her hand lifts to run comforting fingers through my hair. “You want to talk about it?” she asks softly. If only I could. Even if Zeno hadn’t asked for my silence, my emotions are still so jagged and raw that spilling them aloud would be more than I could bear. However, should I decide to divulge what I learned at a later point in time, Gia would be the first person I’d turn to. I trust her absolutely. But for now, I shake my head and feel grateful that Gia is so patient. Had I found her nearly catatonic in our bed last night as she’d found me, I would have demanded an explanation. My worry would have trampled her need for space, but my sister is hypersensitive to those around her. She is able to shelf her concerns and give a wealth of grace with a simple hug. She offers the perfect support with one arm draped over me and her body curved around mine. Once I’ve absorbed all the love I can handle without summoning more tears, I sit up and give her a weary smile. “Thank you, G.” “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready.” I give her arm a squeeze and stand, noting that my ankle has improved greatly in the night. It’s stiff but not terribly sore. I grab a change of clothes, walking gingerly so as not to risk further injury, and head for the bathroom. The entire time, I keep my right fist tightly clasped around the letter I held throughout the night. I don’t release the crumpled paper until I’m safely locked in the bathroom. It’s time to respect Zeno’s wishes and dispose of his message before it’s accidentally discovered. I open it one last time, only pausing from my task briefly to note my filthy reflection. I didn’t even put on pajamas last night, let alone shower. I didn’t care then, and I don’t care now. My attention is solely focused on the pages suspended between my trembling fingers. I turn on the shower to start the water warming and to drown out the sounds I’m about to make. Turning to the last page, I tear away the bottom portion containing his final words. I wish you the best. Z I set the small scrap of paper aside before shredding the rest of the letter and depositing the strips into the toilet. One flush later, the letter is gone— all but his parting words. Those, I tuck into the pocket of the clean leggings I plan to wear. I’m not sure why I’ve kept the shred of paper. I’m still upset with Zeno in a number of ways, but I’m also a little scared he’ll never be a part of my life again. Even when he was an ass, he was still there, asking my dad about me or giving condescending advice. All I know is that if this is where our paths permanently diverge, then I want to take a piece of him with me. I shower longer than normal, scrubbing away thoughts and emotions until I’m adequately numb for my day. Working at Hardwick will be a challenge when everything around me serves as a reminder of thoughts I wish to ignore. To stay strong and unaffected, I’ll need to ensure my defenses remain intact. I promise myself I’ll avoid people whenever possible, keep busy at all times, and stay far, far away from all things Zeno. I’m remarkably successful throughout the morning, maintaining a machine-like trance until lunch. I’m so diligent in my earnest attempt to keep my mind preoccupied that I don’t notice Nevio watching me until his playful voice snags my attention. “It’s twelve thirty, Isa. Even if you don’t want lunch, that ankle could probably use a rest.” He smirks at me lightheartedly from where he leans against the dining room doorframe. I pull out my phone and confirm that he’s right. “I didn’t realize it’d gotten so late.” I toss my polishing rag onto the tray I’d been working on and survey my progress. Cecelia mentioned polishing the silver when I started working at Hardwick, and I figured today was an ideal day to begin the mammoth undertaking. Nevio closes the distance between us and reaches for my hand. “Let’s grab a sandwich.” I pull back and raise my hands for him to see. “Careful, I’m covered in silver polish.” In truth, I don’t want him touching me in any way, but the sticky polish is an easy excuse. “I’ll survive,” he says wryly, clasping my hand and tugging me away from the table. “That ankle feeling better, I take it?” So much for avoiding touching him. I’ve got to say something. This can’t continue. He’s still courting the idea of a relationship between us. I don’t want to lead him on, but I’m not sure how to pull away without hurting him. He’s been nothing but sweet to me since he returned home. “Yeah. I made sure to ice and rest it,” I answer. Come on, Isa. Put your big girl panties on and set him straight. “Good, but just to be safe, I want you to have a seat, and I’ll get us lunch.” Nevio pulls out a chair at the kitchen table and motions for me to sit. “I believe there’s pastrami and turkey—one of those sound better than the other?” “Pastrami sounds good.” I’m not hungry, but I’ll eat anyway. I don’t want him asking questions. “Same, that makes it easy.” He winks. My stomach cinches even tighter. My only consolation is that his lighthearted mood might make this a tiny bit easier. I open my mouth to shatter his hopes of a relationship between us, but the words don’t come forth.