Nickels

Grass fire

Grass firegrass fire on my face arms the hair on my fingers fried brown sugar burned baby

Grass fire grass fire up my arms down my back too much heat mad dad in the night hot sweaty skin on skin burning

When are you going to wake up and smell the coffee

Mister Norman wants to know

Yah when you going to wake up

We all wait for you to wake up

I jerk awake what’s my gay high school teacher doing in my head I blink bright light heat explosion heard voices like they were coming out of the sky You’re fried girl Huh Angie is a blurry stubble headed black tank top my body is fire Where’s Jane my tongue bloated Here I am lobster girl Jane sits in the shade a trunk grows out her back smoke twirls out the tips of her fingers Angie’s hand reaches Don’t touch me I say grass fire black sugar tar in my throat I’m on fire Angie’s hand stops laughs You are fried her head tilts back says Clouds are bountiful orgasmic Marvelous Jane Dragon Girl says smoke twirls out her fingers lips hair curly branches bright green leaves

Creepy crawly spider fingers searching for bumps on the back butt head

Shit I say sit up arms legs chest bright pink red in spots what’s the nurse doing in my head I am so f****d up my arms are bright red third degree burns call an ambulance call a doctor call a nurse someone’s body burned up in a fire

Dragon Girllights up twirls smoke around That’s bad for you I say in a little girl voice I swear I swear Angie Cockroach says on her back feet in the air kicking at the clouds you are just like a little kid when you are stoned laughs laughs laughs Angie Cockroach laughing cockroach scratching scratching in the kitchen walls one for it two for me

5 7 5I lean against Dragon Girl this is it we follow Angie Cockroach up the gray stairs pink legs red legs into the big white house Dan Angie says he wraps his arms around me pats Jane’s shoulder Hey girls yellow ridged chips in a bowl my ears hear Dan say What’s up with her I heard you I say point pink fingers don’t think you can talk about me behind my back I hear everything my ears are the biggest ears in all the world! Dan Angie Cockroach Jane Dragon Girl laugh laugh laugh I’m going to piss in my pants Angie Cockroach says

Woman eatI hold yellow ridges up to Angie cockroach’s gray eyes freckles You have cute freckles her wide face gets bigger closer to mine room spinning Where’s Jane I say ceiling fan spins chips drop to floor Don’t know Angie says You have cute lips I whisper ceiling fan spins air across my forehead So do you her thigh moves between mine ceiling fan Where’s Jane Dragon Girl lips together hands move to back inside shirt on skin sweet sweet skin lobster girl’s hands deep in the ocean away from mad dad grass fire grass fire lips together teeth click bodies fit thigh inside me stubble hair Whoo two lezzies at it in the corner keep kissing kiss me forever over dry earth dusty sand kiss me forever breasts pressed together so soft so soft sweaty neck in my hand Mr. Norman said wake up and smell the coffee so I did so I did

She’s turning greensomeone points at me I me we all of us in my head go downstairs looking for Jane Dragon Girl I me we all of us chipped railing sliver in thumb ouch! no Jane at bottom just dirt bushes grass voices crawl under tangled bushes dirty hands knees where’d Jane go is she mad at me for kissing Angie Cockroach Janie Janie don’t be mad at me don’t hate me I say through alley Jane I say Jane music noise dark sky bright street lights like tiny eyes a big moon hangs like Angie’s breast cupped in my hand where is Patty! Jane! Jane! a garage not attached to its house thumb hurts sliver have to find Jane have to find Jane I am afraid I like the kissing but it makes me afraid Jane! Jane! Jane! don’t hate me I bend over green eggs n ham Dr. Seuss throw up

Hey hereit is over here next to the garage Hey you you’re coming with us Male or female I don’t know grab the arms turn it over Hey hey you you’re coming with us it’s a she

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OTat three CD group at four social skills at five Sheila flips through my file I hunch my shoulders won’t look at her dyed red hair make up bright gold ring with a rock the size of Havana from her rich doctor husband Doctor Abramson is going to go over your meds with you at nine tomorrow morning your parents would like to see you this weekend she pauses if you refuse you realize we will force you to meet with them in a counseling session if we feel it would benefit you I shift my butt on the paper thin white cotton spun bedspread she takes off her glasses tinted red to match her hair your father helped you at the very least you could meet with him her chair screeches on the linoleum floor

He cut off my insurance I say she puts her glasses on He intervened you could have gone to jail you should be thankful she says I look out the window barred on the outside no one tries to get in to a place like this I hate him I say she shakes her pencil at me Now remember what the therapist said about totalizing thoughts That’s not a totalizing thought I say it’s a feeling stupid b***h I think but don’t say it

One more question she looks up quickly but doesn’t look me in the eyes the nursing staff wants to know if you have sexuality problems I think about them rolling their eyes when they talk about me and the other patients You know she waves the pencil any s****l difficulties or deviancies I stare at her hating her hating my parents hating the cops No I say none Okay she spreads out a wrinkle on the bedspread does that mean you date men What Do you go on dates with men are you heterosexual she looks at my hair I want to smoke I say I get up Sit down she says and answer my question or I’ll revoke your smoking and your reading privileges I glare at her but sit down Do you date men she says again pages flipping I don’t date period I say now can I smoke my friends will be here she sighs Go ahead she says

the nurse at the counter gives me a cigarette tucks her chin into her neck I’m from outer space did you know that I put the cigarette in my mouth backwards walk to the patio the nurse follows lights the cigarette for me I take a long drag stare into her eyes she is scared of me goes back inside doesn’t say or do anything to bother me

Are your handsstarting to shake Lori says No I say They will she says walks to the edge of the patio her hair frayed at the ends Thanks for coming I know it’s hard for her to be here she turns around abruptly her hands on her hips trying to look like she’s got it together No problem she tries to smile I see her pain duck my head I know why she was in a nut house want to tell her I’m sorry I want you to take the plea bargain and go home with your parents Jane says Nuh huh I say I’d rather rot here than go with them Jane shakes her head says This is way worse than the place Lori was in Yeah I say state psych wards are what you get when you don’t have insurance Jane picks the brick wall I can’t believe he did that I shrug my shoulders I can I say everyone is quiet One thing Lori looks at Jane stops talking Yeah Jane says we’re really really sorry but rent we need it by Monday Of course I say pat my hospital pants they won’t let me wear my clothes Jane holds out my checkbook Sorry Lori says I wish we didn’t I understand I cut her off make out a check my thoughts start to go I can’t believe this is happening plays in my head over and over I think about my friends from high school how did this happen to me Angie called Jane breaks the silence I catch myself looking to see if the nurse heard as if they could hurt her somehow I told her you’re still in jail Jane says you know I wasn’t mad at you I’m happy for you I really am it’s just that she cries Jane I slide the bottoms of my feet on the concrete patio don’t feel bad my father always said I’d end up in here

Crazyis a layman’s term it’s not a word we use here yeah right I think Doctor Abramson leans back in his tan leather chair I see you’ve been doing well in occupational therapy laughter bursts out of me he squints even more Why do you laugh he says No reason I say I decide not to rag on gluing together prefab bird houses and pencil holders he writes on a pad of paper Now you’re a smart young lady he clicks the pen so the point recedes or so your transcripts say you I drank too much I interrupt him my voice sounds desperate I didn’t want it to sound that way I drank more than I should have one night everyone drinks too much in college But he says holds up his hand blinks his eyes rapidly the veracity of the statement that everyone drinks in college aside not everyone gets caught and he leans forward changes the position of his butt in the seat not everyone passes out in the road with a half gram of hash in his pocket Her pocket I say his eyebrows shoot up it was an alley someone else put the drugs in my pocket I don’t drink very often I’m not crazy you have to let me out of here my words spin out of control now he’ll think I’m crazy for sure

Doctor Abramson twirls his chair toward a tall book shelf against the back wall runs his finger over the spines I am glad he has his back to me I am almost crying what if I am crazy This he taps one of the books I look around the room panicked I can’t escape is a good book he slides it out turns in his chair sees my eyes watering puts the book on his desk slides it toward me between a gold framed picture of his family two teenage daughters and a wife who looks like Meg Ryan Your wife looks like Meg Ryan I say something stupid to keep myself from sobbing he looks surprised then says Yes I have been told that before you may borrow this for a week he leans back in his chair Mental Illness What Everyone Should Know and More I want to laugh but don’t I want to cram the book down his throat but don’t I want to tell him he is full of s**t just like my father power tripping asshole but don’t I China Doll Girl mask my face As far as the drugs and alcohol are concerned I understand you have had problems with drinking in the past What I stare Your father told me all about it detox being kicked off the basketball team in the was it ninth grade Tenth I spin inside mad dad is going to get me You can’t talk to him my voice edges out stops starts filled with anger and panic Hmm he says arms crossed over his chest he leans over as if he is looking at his shoes then sits up straight I find that to be a curious thing for you to say we have a signed release from you John Hancocked on ah he flips through my file the 8th would you like to see it he holds it out to me That’s the night I was arrested his eyebrows arch I don’t remember I say it’s my signature loopier and sloppier than usual but I was drunk he shrugs his shoulders I can’t attest to that one way or another I was not present when you signed the release I look around the room bookshelves manila folders a Picasso print framed in heavy wood two mostly brown iveys a Seattle needle paper weight on the huge maple desk I am going to need some more time to make my diagnosis complete I am concerned that you have an underlying mental illness which you have been compensating for by abusing drugs and alcohol I stare at the edging along the side of his desk this is my worst nightmare come true You may have a combination of mental illnesses or what I call multiple mental illnesses you have issues with authority especially male authority you are manipulative in your thoughts and actions you have gender confusion and your speech and thoughts race at times and those combined could point toward a sort of gender dysphobic Oedipus complex with a touch of manic depressive disorder What I say Oh do you like to shop Huh I say Shop for clothes other items excessive grocery buying I I say It’s a simple question really do you enjoy shopping do you find yourself shopping frequently I suppose I no I don’t do much shopping I can’t believe I’m answering him I don’t have any money so no my thoughts feelings have stopped the room has stopped the air has stopped the clock has stopped he has stopped we sit in silence while he reads my file Okay do you hear voices he looks up at me waves his finger around his head No no way am I going to tell him about the voices I hear like they drop out of the sky no I shake my head One more question would you prefer to be a man Huh I say are you joking I see he isn’t joking I don’t want to be a man he looks at me for a while Are you I stumble for words are you f*****g crazy I say my body is numb Uh hmm he says I hardly think I am the one with a problem here he scribbles something in my file closes it Your parents will be here for a meeting on Saturday they are very concerned about you it should be a relief to you to have such a loving caring family Uh I say stare at him the blood in my body has stopped shocked into submission Your meds are going to stay the same through the weekend I’ll reevaluate next week I stare at the brown iveys then the Meg Ryan wife You may leave now he says and drops my file into an open desk drawer

In my sleepnickels rain the moon watches

in my sleep

nickels rain the moon watches a reminder of what was

in my sleep

nickels rain the moon watches a reminder of what is

in my sleep

nickels rain the moon watches a reminder of what will be

Marcythe black haired old lady with a hump growing out her spine yells Goddamn pea soup gain can’t eat this s**t everyone ignores her she does this every night I agree with Marcy I say the pea soup sucks here This isn’t a resort the nurse passing out meds says No s**t I say she moves on to Richard a former high school track coach math teacher from Baraboo in here for attempted suicide I haven’t seen him in a week Next time I’ll succeed he told me when I first came in watch out for those pills you get hooked on them and you’ll always be under them I see what he’s saying but right now I don’t care don’t mind the high every night Richard I say how’s it going he looks at me his face as long as Frankenstein goes back to eating his pea soup drips it all over his tray lap the front of his shirt Richard I whisper what’s wrong with you he keeps eating Leave him alone little girl Mable says from one table over she is Indian What’s wrong with him Mable Little girl I like your hair she pats her head like mine Thanks I say Richard keeps eating Mable is in her fifties I’ve had a hard life little girl I know I say she’s told me before about the a***e at the school the breakdowns the white husband who beat her I’m sorry I say and I am sorry for her sorry for Lori sorry for Richard He got buzzed yesterday she says wiggles her finger around her ear Huh I say Buzzed you know electrocuted No I look at Richard he doesn’t seem to hear us Mable turns her back unwraps a dinner roll Richard I say he eats his pea soup sits up perfectly straight

I busmy tray feel a shot of terror they could do that to me I move into the TV room so I can keep an eye on the going ons of the psych ward it’s amazing how fast one fits into the psych ward one week ago I didn’t even know this place existed I flip through the channels settle on a rerun of Michael Jordan and the Bulls playing for the title Richard walks in stands behind me Richard I say have a seat Jordan can fly but let’s face it he isn’t Doctor J Richard says nothing walks away in his light blue robe his hospital slippers scratching across the floor I lose myself in the spin dribbles soft five foot jumpers pick and rolls to set Jordan free one on one with the big slow center So And So! So And So! Kelly’s voice in my head I remember what was what could have been So And So! So And So! I’d better figure a way out of here or I’m going to end up a long face Frankenstein hunched over old lady hobbling to school with a cane Jordan slams it over his man So And So! So And So! Jordan can spin but he can’t fly like Doctor J no one can fly like Doctor J! I say to no one there’s a close up of Jordan his high pinched cheeks I flash to Jutson in the La Casa parking lot Jordan lunges at the camera holding up his finger screaming Number one! and it hits me chief Jutson buys dope from Tom!

* * *

Oh godmad dad mom tomorrow morning oh god they deemed a meeting therapeutic with my parents I hitched a truck headed east made a fool out of him at the camping store oh god he’s going to get me Run Westy Run Jesus Lizard playing at O’Cayz Corral tonight I should be there me n Jane n Angie not here Margaret in the corner eating Cheez Its all day how am I gonna get outta here oh god oh god wall to wall pace pace pace Tom’s outta town until Sunday oh god

oh god kick at the punching bag dance around it on my toes fists up

Where is he

I’m the greatest

Muhammad Ali

float like a butterfly sting like a bee

let me at him

Rise and shinesunshine a tap on the door I’m not in my body I can’t move the night before the nurse who tucks her chin in gave me trazodone and extra Klonapen put me out now I can’t move If you don’t stop pacing she said then threatened to send me to the padded room where they monitor patients with a camera sound system these state hospitals do invest their money in some things Rise and shine sunshine s**t the morning my parents arrive I get the only cheerful nurse on staff she taps on my door again Okay now hello in there are you awake yet her high pitched voice heavy Wisconsin accent makes her sound like a happy dolt the worst kind

HoneyNurse Sunshine whispers touches my shoulder pulls me back I’ve seen girls like you before you need to get up and out of here as soon as you can her breath tickles my ear play the game I move my leg All right now time for you to get up Nurse Sunshine says for everyone to hear come on now it’s a bright and sunny morning

Mad dad sitson a couch I schizt out cartoon character bulging eyes brains explode car horns honk feel faint his dark hairy forearm resting on a table his jaw muscle working exactly like I remember still a hairy troll mom sits in a corner hands in her lap Good morning glad you could finally make it Doctor Abramson says in front of the nurses case workers social workers a whole team! mad dad jerks forward then settles into the couch mom gets watery eyed who cares not me cry all you want! I blur my vision a crazy retard fard

Why don’t yousay hello to your parents Doctor Abramson says I stare at the beige linoleum floor Uh hum Doctor Abramson says I say nothing Oh honey mom cries I say nothing one of the tiles has a c***k All right Doctor Abramson says we should start by introducing ourselves I’m Doctor Abramson head of psychiatry and I am pleased to be working with your daughter someone coughs And I’m Mrs. Thompson staff social worker My name is Clarice Burns I am also happy to be here I will take care of her case management And we are nurses Dowling and Schoenberg Hello Gregory Adams I am interning with Doctor Abramson I attend the University of Wisconsin Medical School someone clears a throat Nurse Sunshine’s head pops in the door Okay then sorry I’m late she says acts as if she is sneaking into the room sits down next to me We were just completing introductions Doctor Abramson says Okay then I’m Connie Baker one of the nurses on staff here I’ve just been assigned as your primary nurse Doctor Abramson nods Let us begin he says

Great I say just f*****g great mad dad says Do you see how she is this is what her mother and I have been dealing with all her life her own grandmother doesn’t even want her anymore he points at me she explicitly told me to tell you not to contact her again my eyes look at mad dad don’t want them to I don’t want them to! but they are so surprised they do anyway and mad dad sees he hurt me he sees uncertainty who could blame gramma I’m as low as it goes Doctor Abramson raises his hand I appreciate your input father but I expect everyone to wait his turn from now on he turns toward me your response was very interesting highly intriguing can you tell us what you are feeling I want to not exist is how I feel but I say nothing Oh honey mom says I don’t understand we gave her everything piano lessons sports Mother Doctor Abramson says please wait until I direct a question at you she cries harder Please tell us what you are feeling he says to me Gregory sits off to his side looks at me intently I want to kick his face in that’s how I feel but I say nothing Please mom blurts out admit it please just tell these people that you seduced your father