Nickels

The Mole-1

The Molecrawls under Patty’s lawn at night the mole crawls under Patty’s lawn at night! and since we can’t catch it with buckets or sticks or even the steel trap Patty’s dad bought that slams down through the grass spears the mole right through its head or neck or maybe its eye but since we can’t catch it during the day we decide to watch for it at night Patty says I swear I’d set up a camera all day and all night if I had one meaning she’d tape the mole crawling under the grass making trails and mounds of grass and dirt clumped up but since she doesn’t have a camera I’m sleeping over tonight the night before Easter we’re staying up all night to watch for the mole with flashlights

All night! staying up late!

Patty and I sit on the porch I don’t ask her where she was yesterday she was supposed to go with me to mom’s work I can’t be a goalie without her shooting on me so instead I read a book this year I read more books than anyone in my entire school for the book fair and my teacher told my mom I should be in honors which would cost money mom told dad at dinner and he said nothing like he didn’t hear and mom said nothing after that and I know I won’t get in honors but I still heard it and now I know people think I’m smart not stupid like dad says the book I read at mom’s work was about a boy detective who has red hair and red freckles and carves a key out of soap when he gets locked in a room that’s the way he escapes and I know I have to remember it in case I’m ever locked in a closet I can make a key out of soap and escape and be a hero instead of sitting in the room until I suffocate to death

I don’t want to suffocate to death mad dad wants me dead he might choke me or shoot me with his rifles lined up in the cabinet in the living room he rubs them down with a raggy old t shirt and oil from the kitchen vegetable oil the kind mom cooks with me and mom think it must be wrong to use vegetable oil on rifles but we don’t say anything to him we just watch him get his oil out of the kitchen cabinet and slop it on to his old raggy t shirt that says University of Alabama in old faded pink letters why does he have a t shirt from there he went to school at St. Cloud State

What’s wrong Patty says I forgot all about her sitting with me on the porch you’re floating away again on a current of air squak squak she flaps her arms I don’t say anything the sun is on the other side of the trees and the trucks drive by splashing water on the yards and I’m with Patty she keeps me safe from dad who’s in the garage doing something it smells good out here the way it does in spring when the smell of gasoline is sweet like a cantelope and you know summer is coming and you think you just might be able to live for another year not die in your bed just not wake up one day

Get your flashlight Patty says let’s go over to my house Wanna play hockey too I say Yeah she says so I run to the house through the living room with brand new old style American furniture painted all brown up the stairs two at a time smelling dinner smelling beef stroganoff the smell runs with me up the stairs to my room I grab my goalie gloves off the head of my red stuffed dog Clarence then I run into mom and dad’s room reach under their bed on mom’s side grab the big yellow flashlight click it on it works Miss So And So mom says I stop look out mom’s window it’s spring birds call their babies brown shadows play in the back yard there’s no mole trails in my yard dad would kill it right off he shoots squirrels I soak in the shadows until I become the colors in the back yard the birds the rectangle and triangle shapes on the grass my eyes soak it in I don’t have any thoughts any feelings any fears I just am I just am! Miss So And So time to eat Patty is waiting for me

I run down the stairs Can’t eat mom I’m going to Patty’s for dinner and a sleep over I hold my breath to see if she’ll let me Do you have your pajamas mom says my foot hits the bottom stair Yes I yell running away from her the beef stroganoff mad dad in the garage on my way to Patty’s

Patty makesfrozen mushroom pizza for me and Jimmy I pour Shur Fine Lemon Lime Shur Fine Lemon Lime sure is fine we say pour it up to the second line in the blue plastic cups with three ice cubes each so it’s all even her mom’s in bed the blue TV light shines out the bottom of her door Ow Jimmy says when he takes a bite of the pizza it burns his mouth he spits out the cheese Dummy Patty says and slaps him on the head I eat the pizza slow blow on it listen to the TV buzz out the door pick off the mushrooms eat them one by one Jimmy’s eyes are all red he tries not to cry he misses his dad hasn’t been home in a while You big baby Patty says and slaps him again but this time lighter then she stands behind him hugs him he’s in first grade his mom stays in her room with his baby brother Danny Jimmy’s eyes get red like Christmas light bulbs Shhh Patty says stands up there’s nothing to cry about she loves him but doesn’t like being his mom

Can I play with you Jimmy says sitting at the table with his feet crossed No Patty says I throw out our cheese stained paper plates and Jimmy jumps down and grabs the plates picks off the tiny strings of cheese still stuck to them I down the last of my Shur Fine Lemon Lime the ice hits my teeth and lips C’mon Jimmy says his eyes getting watery and red like a fish gill please he says Go play with Danny Patty pushes him But he’s a baby So are you go away I’m telling mom Jimmy says and throws the paper plates on the floor he yells I’m gonna tell dad when he gets home and runs into his mom’s bedroom

me and Patty walk up her back stairs covered in brown carpet with outlines of gold squares hooked together like a chain it’s black out now Patty’s jeans are ripped at the bottom because they used to be her older brother’s and she cut them off the Levis tag is gone if you collect 150 of them you get a free pair and I practically stare at her butt because it’s right in my face she is really skinny The sun is still up in California even though it’s down here I say and Patty doesn’t say anything her butt and ripped up jeans keep moving she doesn’t say anything when I say stupid things which I do a lot meaning I don’t know why I say a lot of the things I do and when I say things like how pretty the trees are against the sky or other stupid things that slip out of my mouth kids make fun of me Patty never says anything when I say stupid things it’s like she knows why I say them

Weget to the top of the stairs and Patty says Want to look for the mole and pulls her jeans up over her hips but they slip down right away Sure I say but I’d rather play floor hockey Patty opens the hall closet and digs out a huge red flashlight and looks me in the eyes and there’s no knives in hers there’s brown shapes and sunsets and gasoline smell and all the other things that make me feel safe C’mon she says and we go into her room that doesn’t have a door that’s never had a door as long as I’ve known her a faded baby blue sheet hangs where the door should be

Patty sits down on her bed flicking the light on and off shining it in her face so she looks like that Camp Fire teacher Mrs. Whitner I had once who took us camping and told stories to us in the dark and lit her face up from under her chin to look scary she did look scary I got scared and quit but I quit more because I didn’t want to collect beads and sew them on those stupid vests and wear those stupid white gloves and carry those stupid flags around my fingers touch Patty’s real name Patricia sewed across it in bright blue stitching Patty sewed it on herself and it’s one of the best things you could ever see her name stitched in cursive writing like a professional right across the sheet it’s how I know who Patty really is she is smart and brave and pretty and she uses her real name Patricia not Patty or P girl because she is someone other than the bad things people think about her she could make a key out of soap I know it!

Pretend like we’re at the airport we’re air traffic controllers Patty says and so I do Okay she says and opens her window and pushes out her screen it twangs to the ground Now open your window and push the screen out and so I do Okay now start in the back Patty says we have to work together like a team like we’re playing floor hockey okay Okay I say and we start in the back crossing our beams of light over the back yard inch by inch looking for the mole we go over Patty’s entire back yard from back to front until we’re leaning right out the windows our hands on the shingles of her house so we can shine our beams of light straight down over the sidewalk below and the lawn mower and the broken kitchen chair and the pile of bricks with weeds sticking out between the holes and a milk carton squashed by someone’s shoe but we don’t see the mole digging a tunnel

Maybe it’s sleeping I say and shine my flashlight at the jet black branches against the moon thin and curved like your nail when it chips off I feel the moon and the colors and the smell of the earth and the river whooshing over the rocks and the semi trucks whooshing down the road and I know someday everything will be all right

There it goes Patty yells and practically falls out the window and I flash my beam of light back down to the ground Okay see over there by the swing Patty yells it’s running to the river and I swing my flashlight around like I’m a air traffic controller but I don’t see anything just the clumps of dirt and dead brown grass waiting for spring You missed it Patty says Yeah I say Oo she cries I wanted you to see it now it’s gone she throws her flashlight down on the floor I wanted you to see it she says practically crying her pony tail covering her face because she wanted me to see the mole she’s been trying to catch for a long time and I’m in shock meaning I can’t barely believe how much Patty loves me for real

For real and forever FFE friends forever and ever

they sign their notes at school FFE forever and ever

P girl loves the fifth grader FFE

We playhockey downstairs with a bright blue raquetball it bounces like crazy meaning that Patty can shoot on me over and over because my back is against the wall and it bounces right back to her ping ping ping the raquetball pings around the basement it’s more fun than anything including than playing a real game of hockey the ball flies so fast and Patty catches it with her blade and traps it to a dead stop and shoots on me over and over we marked a black goal frame on the wall last spring and I kneel on the cardboard and Patty shoots ping ping ping I knock them and block them and catch them right out of midair This is why we’re so good you know Patty says in between shots and I nod too out of breath to talk I’m not shivering anymore just sweating and dry mouthed

we play until we can’t play anymore and my knees have red and brown bruises then we go upstairs where the blue TV light shines down the hall Patty gets a bag of potato chips and Shur Fine grape pop one for me and one for her Thirsty she says and holds her pony up with one hand while she gives me a pop with the other hand and I think she’s pretty standing there in the kitchen the blue lighting up the edges of her hair

Patty leans over the sink looks out the window at the back yard where the mole ran off the TV blue and the moon shine off her hair from high above but other than that it’s dark and quiet and I think this is how church must feel for some people I want to trap this feeling in my heart and hold it where no one can take it from me her brown hair in a pony her hip pushed to the side standing on one foot the sound of our breathing the sweat from the floor hockey I trap it the way Patty traps the puck hold it inside me