Nickels

The Mole-2

Does Patty’s momlove her I wonder as me and Patty run up the stairs two at a time flip her sheet like we are kings entering a room Dang Patty says it’s cold as ice she runs to the windows and slams them down one at a time Slam Wam Bam one of the nails falls out and the towel over Patty’s bed drops to one side Patty crawls under her bed What are you doing I say Just a sec she says and I find the nail on her pillow and take off my shoes and climb on her bed and nail the towel up because I don’t want someone to look in at us

Patty crawls out from under the bed What are you doing I say This she shoves a magazine at me Sports Illustrated March 22-29 1978 Property of St. Paul Public Library Where’d you get that At the library look who’s on the cover Martina Navritalova’s hitting a tennis ball her legs are full of muscles and her arm is stretched out her fingers pointing at the ball Cool I say For you she says and puts her arm around me best friend I stare at the cover When did you go to the library I say because I don’t know what to say The other day she says and I pick up the magazine and look through it for Martina’s picture because she is my favorite and Patty knows it

Patty leanson her elbows and crosses one leg over the other and wiggles her foot around Do you like it she says Yes I say and I feel embarrassed but I don’t know why

Martina jumpsMartina scores Martina hits one down the line Martina pushes her hand through her hair Martina squints raises her fists wins Wimbledon Martina’s calf muscles bulge she is strong she would protect me she would protect me! Martina would protect me! she is strong her muscles are bigger than dad’s why can’t she be my mom Look at that I say look at her muscles and Patty hangs her arm around my shoulderYeah she says she’s so strong I wanna be that strong and I point my toe pull my jeans up flex my calf like I’m Martina Navritalova like I’m strong like I’m somone who would protect someone Patty watches and doesn’t say anything pops Bazooka in her mouth Want one Yeah I say staring at Martina’s calves and her thighs that are thicker than a man’s I hope she kills Chrissie Everett and I whine out Chrissie’s name because she is a sissy baby Me too Patty says her mouth full of Bazooka Patty leans back with her hands behind her head snaps her gum and stares at the ceiling cracking and peeling paint drops down on her sometimes when she sleeps

Patty whistles and I read about how Martina is from Czeckslovakia which I already knew and how she whipped Evelina Googalina’s butt Martina is so strong I can’t stop looking at her muscles strong as any man’s men are afraid of her mad dad is I can tell the way he acts when she’s on TV How come you wear that Patty says and I feel like someone stuck a knife in me What I say even though I know she means the purse

my eyes swim I feel so scared Patty doesn’t say anything I stare at the picture of Martina hitting it down the sideline stare stare stare she would protect me she would protect me! I am so scared I hold my breath What’s wrong she says really soft no one knows how soft Patty is except me my head feels like it’s swimming in a fish bowl I can’t barely see Martina hitting it down the line in her white sleeveless dress Dunno I finally say as low as I can to keep from crying Patty moves her leg snaps a bubble Don’t wear it she says I feel frozen like a deer right before it gets shot in Patty’s freezing attic room

He will hit memy teeth chitterchatter my arms hug tight around my legs the Sports Illustrated drops to the floor Patty wraps me up in her blanket Where’d you get the magazeeeine I say even though I already know my teeth chittering and chattering I feel like a stupid dummy At the library she says and wraps up around me in a ball to keep warm she hugs me with her arms her breath on the back of my neck Shhh she says and I feel her body relax around mine When I say A few days ago The day you disappeared I suck my breath in I don’t know if I should tell her I notice she disappears Patty is quiet and one of her arms tightens up around me then relaxes Yeah she says soft Is that where you go Yeah she says soft Is the magazine mine Yeah she says chewing her gum Did you steal it my teeth are quiet now Yeah she says snaps her gum Thanks I say and swallow my gum so I won’t choke on it stare at the light on the ceiling the one with so many dead bugs in it the light shines out on the sides

I wishshe wouldn’t wear that What Patty says That I say and think of Martina bending over her muscles popping out the dress I say the words fast to keep from crying Patty says Uh huh pops her gum she thinks she has to though and she pops her gum again like you

The girls fall asleep Patty Patricia P girl

Little Miss So And So China Doll Girl the fifth grader sleep on the mattress

the towel hangs crookedly showing a slip of black glass between the white towel and window frame

this is how they sleep in each other’s arms

they don’t hear anything

they don’t hear her coming in to the house or walking up the stairs or pushing back the sheet or standing there for a moment

Patty Little Miss So And Soout of bed screaming in my ears Patty jumps up and so do I mom waves my pajamas in her hand Patty and me stand up like we’ve been caught doing something bad I should have known mom says and then she says what is going on like she can’t believe whatever it is that’s going on I dunno Patty says standing in her jeans with one sock on and one sock off lost on the bed somewhere Don’t you mouth back to me mom says filthy trash mom looks at me and I don’t know who she’s talking about me or Patty or both of us

I stand there like a stupid barely awake not knowing what to do or what’s going on Me and Patty we were just sleeping keeping warm it’s cold in here I blurt out one two three steps and she’s got my arm her white knuckled fingers around my arm digging in to my bone I didn’t do anything I say I should have known she says over and over only I don’t know what she’s talking about I try to look at Patty but mom steps between us shaking me she’s going to ruin everything this is unnatural something is wrong with you Little Miss So And So and she slaps me across the face stings bees I must be crazy to have this happen to me

whish whish whish the headboard did it

The windows Patty yells Do you think I’m a fool do you think I’m a lunatic do you think I don’t know what goes on in my own house and just who are you Patty to be saying anything right now what were you two doing on that bed together sick worse than anything she looks at me anything I say nothing my face stings my mom hit me I’ll never move again mom hit me I never knew she would hit me I always knew she would hit me the way she looks at me sometimes mom hates me The windows were open Patty says Why were the windows open mom says Patty doesn’t say anything and mom’s fingers dig in she pulls me toward the door Because of the mole I shout What mom says and looks at me disgusted like she blames me for everything everything bad in the world Oh I see she says and looks at my purse swinging around my neck just like what you told the judge her face screws up you’re a liar you’re a little crazy liar We’re trying to catch the mole I yell like I’m going to die if she hates me I can’t take anymore white knuckles on the door washing the sheets she still washes them finds them in my closet collects them in a bundle brings them downstairs to the washer rinses them out bleaches them dries them irons them folds them puts them back in the closet no California sun shine mom hates me one two three she pulls me to Patty’s sheet

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard there aren’t any moles around here she drops my arm not making any sense because there’s a mole in Patty’s back yard it digs tunnels not in this weather she looks at Patty who looks down at the floor

Mom holdsmy pajamas out to me I stand there not knowing what to do or why she was mad or why she doesn’t seem so mad now she hit me I want Patty to do something but she does nothing Patty must hate me too suddenly mom’s face looks disgusted again like she thought of something really gross and she drops my pajamas on the floor and says to Patty You’re not welcome at my house or work ever again mom pushes through the sheet not ever again I think I’m going to die don’t understand what happened what we did wrong mom says from the hall Be home by ten Little Miss So And So she says in a bony white knuckle voice and I look at Patty who looks mad and I look at the floor nothing makes sense brown shaggy carpet matted over in places

How’s my girlGramma says

Okay I say

Just okay something wrong

Nothing gramma

How’s school

Okay I say

How’s your mom

Okay I say

Uh huh gramma says

Gramma guess what

What

Me and Patty almost caught a mole

Oh she says that’s just good that’s not easy to do

No I say

Gramma I say feel sadder than sad but don’t tell her

Yah

You are the cream in my coffee

You are the cream in my coffee too granddaughter

Tell heranything mad dad steps up from downstairs grabs the phone bang he slams it down No I shake my head scared he was listening to me She ask you how you are I nod Did you tell her you’re okay I nod From now on you tell her you’re good hear me I nod

She tell you anything I stare can’t ask questions even though he doesn’t make sense did she I don’t answer he looks at me sideways about being you know Indian What I act stupid he grabs the trim high up over his head Did she say she’s we’re you’re Indian I don’t know what to say because she tells me I’m Indian but not today he smashes his face in his arm closes his eyes I think he’s crying Not today I say his face in his arm Good he says his voice shaky don’t listen to her if she does he rubs his face in his shirtsleeve it doesn’t matter you hear his eyes red doesn’t matter none of it

School tomorrow I can’t go I can’t go I can’t go please someone help me mad dad came in please someone to my room bed can’t go can’t go someone help me please Patty she disappeared all weekend went away on Easter my trip to gramma’s mom canceled told gramma she’s having more trouble with me I’m bad please some one Patty disappeared she’s ignoring me hates me for what mom did we were cold please some one help me mad dad to night the sheets still wet still wet my body is frozen rocks on a river bed can’t move my butt rock I swear we were looking for the mole swear it please mom please love me don’t hate me don’t leave me Patty can’t go I’ll die rock bed I’ll die dead rock bed rock head rock back rock legs wet sticky can’t move them the sheets are wet sticky cold rock bed head rock my head rock heavy like it used to be it came back heavy head c***k the back the head board spat dead dying done roasted chicken on a spit twirl twirl spin spin everyone hates me mad dad frozen jelly between my legs can’t move can’t move my legs between my butt it’s cold wet sticky where’s Patty she hates me mom hates me Patty hates me everyone hates me I can’t see the other kids the head board cracked my head ow ow ow it hurts my head rock heavy my back bent like a old lady’s I get a cane go to school hobble with it it’s back all the old feelings Patty’s gone it’s back the judge oatmeal five year old crazy retard