Nickels

The Mole-3

mad dad’s feet at the door he’s back for more the head board bored head cracked whoosh I climb to the sky make my bed fly bye bye house down below mad dad’s feet mom’s asleep in the living room chair mad dad’s back! his feet are at my door big wooly feet and his long l*****g tongue I climb to the sky make my bed rise up a million miles high mad dad opens the door I have the tallest bed in all the world! mad dad walks inside the tallest bed in all the world taller than anything anywhere no one can reach me up here I lean over the side of my bed I see mad dad far below he hops on his feet he jumps in circles! he shouts I AM GOING TO GOBBLE YOU UP AS A MIDEVENING SNACK and yells YOU LITTLE b***h I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN and screams YOU WILL HAVE TO COME DOWN SOONER OR LATER he shakes his fist but he can’t reach me no siree mad dad cannot get me on my bed the tallest bed in all the world no school to morrow I cannot go I CAN WAIT he says and so he does and so he does

YOU LITTLE BABYmad dad yells up the stairs GET YOUR a*s UP YOURE NOT SICK YOURE GOING TO SCHOOL I’m dead bones on my bed don’t make me go to school don’t make me be me let me be Patty or Martina or Fran Tarkington or Bobby Orr smashing people in the boards let me have big muscles to run with hit with fight with keep me strong don’t let me be me my arms are too skinny please don’t make me go to school I’m n***d everyone will laugh let me be anything but me let me be a tree in the mountains where no people go let me be a bird fly away high as high as my bed climbs let me be Mark or Annette or Rachel or one of the Brady boys or Scooby Doo or Fonzie or my teacher’s daughter living in a home where bad things don’t happen or the girl down the block who won’t talk to me or the prissy girls at church that I hate or Mary Tyler Moore swinging her hat in the air or Fran Tarkington throwing touchdowns or Ahmad Rashad catching them or Chuck Foreman with big shoulders the biggest shoulders in all the world!

Upand at em mom clicks on my light blue lamp in the shape of a girl’s ice skate I’ve been awake for an hour she slides back my curtain it’s still dark outside I think I’ll die seeing the dark morning hearing the trucks drive by being so tired Patty is gone mom smiles

I am a noodle the wet stickiness dried caked between my legs and butt Wake up mom shakes my shoulder up and at em her eyes slit I see the devil run through them if I don’t move she’ll pull me out say I wet the bed rip the sheets off take them downstairs I make myself move but my body is a spaghetti noodle it’s somebody else’s body I live in sometimes I can’t barely move even to get my covers off It’s going to be a beautiful day mom says and she doesn’t pull back my quilt to see if I wet my bed last night breakfast will be ready fifteen minutes she walks out the door we’re having oatmeal and then she stops in the hall and looks at me are you sick No I shake the body wobbly so wobbly I am scared I might fall down the stairs mom leaves I slide out of bed sit down next to Clarence sit there for a long time staring at nothing at the ceiling at the navy blue carpeting at the lines on the wall

Little Miss So And Somy shoulders jump but the rest of me doesn’t move mad dad’s work boots in the doorway YOU LITTLE BABY GET YOUR a*s UP YOURE NOT SICK YOURE GOING TO SCHOOL he grabs my shoulder wraps his fingers under my arm pit and pops my arm Ah I say a little mouse Damn it he says let’s go I don’t feel much except for a burning in my shoulder my arm doesn’t move at all mad dad gets on top of me straddles me grabs my collarbone squeezes hard and jams my arm in to my shoulder I slide to the floor my arm burning screaming then nothing no pain no feeling he stands over me laughs Get up you’re going down for breakfast leans closer to my face don’t you tell anyone devil in his face warning me and so I don’t and so I don’t

I don’t tellmom why would I tell her she doesn’t care what he does to me I sit at the table staring seeing two then three tables three bowls three spoons three cups the garage door opens slams shut dad left for work mom will be mad she always wants to eat as a family a can slices open Want some cottage cheese and peaches mom says I think she must be crazy who eats cottage cheese for breakfast No I shake my head her ring hits the counter she is angry the can opener starts again Can you at least talk to me she says does she remember what she did she talks about work a lady did something she didn’t like she talks like nothing happened at Patty’s like my sheets are clean like I didn’t stuff my crusty underwear in the back of my closet like I didn’t put two more nickels in the purse like I don’t have the purse around my neck so kids can make fun of me dork! geek! oatmeal steams my face mom sprinkles white sugar over it

Patty isn’ton the bus I zip up my jacket so none of the kids can see my purse even though everyone knows it’s there it’s been there ever since I moved to the California sun east side of Saint Paul I sit in the front behind the driver Jack who has a big chin and smokes while he drives the other kids yell at each other and Patty doesn’t come out of her house and Jack drives away Move over Kelly a fourth grader says to someone in the seat behind me and all I can feel is relief that she’s not talking to me that I don’t have to talk to anyone I’m too tired to talk my arm hurts a truck whooshes by Patty doesn’t run out of her house at the last second waving her hand and yelling at Jack to wait I watch her house it’s gray and cold out I push my face into the glass until my cheek bones hurt

Mrs. Olsonsays Quiet I sit with my desk top up so Mrs. Olson can’t see me holding my arm But Jake says and Mrs. Olson says Out and Jake has to go to the principal who’ll write him a yellow slip and send a copy home Jake’s shoes squeak my arm hurts like someone shot me and then it doesn’t hurt as much and then it hurts again bad Fifth grade girl Mrs. Olson says fifth grade girl out in the hall someone yells Mark! I yell What and kids in the class laugh and I am confused because for a second I thought my name was Mark Mrs. Olson says Yelling is not allowed in the classroom I had to say your name twice before you responded to me now please put your desk top down and I don’t say anything why did I think Mark was my name Mrs. Olson is standing next to my desk her stomach rolled out over her black pants and her hands on her hips she’s wearing a pink sweater with a white spot on it like she spilled her milk Did you hear me she says and I nod my head yes trying to keep from having to talk cause I’ll cry then put your desk top down I reach up with my good arm and lean the desk top on my head and pull the rod out and grab the desk top off my head and put it down with my good arm Mrs. Olson says I’m not impressed and I stare at the pencil groove at the top of my desk to keep from having to talk Mrs. Olson folds her hands together like she’s in church Where’s your sidekick I shrug my good shoulder Um hum she says and walks to the front of the class okay class she says we’re going to go over and I pull the purse off and c***k my desk top and shove it in until it fits along the side of the desk in the curve between the papers and the smooth cold metal of the desk

I forgotmy permission slip and so I have to stay in the principal’s office until the end of the day meaning until the bell rings the secretary made that clear Did I make that clear she said and I nodded but I didn’t say anything because she might find out about my arm and take me into court again the entire fifth grade went to the Saint Paul Capitol to see how the government works firsthand and then they get a brown bag lunch with chocolate milk and then they go to Schmidt’s Brewery the entire fifth grade class gets to skip class and drive around in a bus all day eating apples and chocolate milk and cookies and I have to sit with the secretary who has a blue scarf wrapped around her neck because I forgot to get the permission slip signed

I sit and thinkabout this and wonder about Patty and stare at nothing until the principal Mr. Fayen walks in says Who’s she and the secretary says A fifth grader from Mrs. Olson’s she didn’t bring her permission slip for their field trip Oh he says and I look at him without looking at him he has black curly hair and a crooked pointer finger and a beard and two big turquoise rings because he collects rocks and polishes them into jewelry he tells us this the same thing every year in the auditorium at the beginning of the school year Don’t you have anything to do he says and I shake my head and he looks at the secretary her scarf tied in a knot around her neck and says Send her to the library there’s no sense in her sitting here all day Okay the secretary says and writes me a pass to walk in the hallways without a teacher and so I do

I give the pass to Mrs. Larkin the librarian and she smiles last year she had to order in high school books even though I was in fourth grade my teacher gave me special permission to read higher because elementary school books are too easy You’re back she says I nod I haven’t seen you in a while she says and I try to shrug my shoulders but it’s really hard to do because my arm still hurts Can I help you find something she twirls a ring on her finger like she used to do last year help yourself to the candy she says about the bowl on her desk and I take a butterscotch piece and use one hand to open the candy Is your other hand okay Mrs. Larkin says Nah I say meaning to answer her question about whether she can help me but I realize when it comes out of my mouth that it sounds like I’m saying I’m not okay I put the candy in my mouth the sweet buttery scotch runs all over my mouth What’s wrong Mrs. Larkin says and I say nothing go to the magazine section and get kids magazines on sports and sit down in one of the orange modern bean bag chairs the sports magazines are stupid made for little kids and I don’t find any pictures of Martina Navritalova in them I close my eyes roll over on my good arm and let my chin dig into the beans little pellets against my face