Nickels

The Mole-4

Girl Who IsA Good Reader! Girl Who Is A Good Reader! I open my eyes don’t know where I am or who I am Mrs. Larkin is leaning over me her brown bead necklace hanging in my face two kindergarten kids staring at me there’s drool on the bean bag chair I grab my hurting arm without thinking Are you all right Mrs. Larkin says and I don’t say or do anything I don’t nod yes or no or pretend like I’m fine I just stare at her still half asleep wishing for a second that I could tell her she could hold me take me away save me from mom and dad save me!

I nod Yes You were screaming in your sleep Mrs. Larkin says and puts her hand on my forehead you’re hot I don’t say anything she has long fingers and a puggy nose with freckles is something wrong with your arm she says and I feel her fingers on my shoulder No I say concentrating hard on the orange carpet I’m fine don’t cry don’t cry orange carpet Oh no she says you’re sick I’m going to send you down to the nurse and I freeze up can’t think creepy crawly spider fingers Stay there I’ll write you a pass and so I stay in the bean bag chair wipe drool off with my sleeve and hope the kindergarteners aren’t still staring at me like I’m a dork I reach down the purse is gone I left it in my desk oh no

At the hallwhere I’m supposed to turn to go to the nurse’s I go straight past the jackets hung up outside each room and the shelves above the jackets mittens and scarves and book bags and lunch boxes Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine and Kung Fu and Charlie’s Angels I don’t have a lunch box like those mom sends mine in brown paper bags Patty will come back soon the light at the end of the hall is bright Patty will be back soon I turn the handle to my classroom round and smooth and cold it clicks to one side and then to the other side I can’t get in

Downthe stairs march one two three I’m in a lotta trouble up down march around Patty’s gone dad’ll be home soon the school called to tell mom she forgot to sign the permission slip I’m getting detention for leaving school mom is mad that I left school that I didn’t tell her about the field trip says I was faking being sick oops! now I’m in for it I ruined mom’s night again she bought me and dad matching white baseball hats I ruined everything mom says I ruined her night and her nice presents she wants me and dad to dress like twins

this is just great is what I think practicing to be in the army I’m going to join the army march up down around until mom yells at me from the kitchen where she’s cooking sloppy joes Stop that! You’re driving me crazy! so I stop sit down on the top step hold my arm lean against the wallpaper with gold fuzzy decorations in the shape of a crown like mom and dad are trying to be queens and kings from England it’s stupid Patty is gone the purse is locked in my desk at school if dad finds out he’ll whip me the way he did the last time when I buried it in the vacant lot I was seven I had to go dig it up if he ever caught me without it again he said he’d whip me till I bled dead stead my brain isn’t working I can’t make sense of my thoughts tots spots Patty is gone dad’s gonna whip me till I bleed steed deed my thoughts grind into the ground I get little again a five year old retard tard fard

wham slam bam mad dad’s home I’m a retard drooling on the fuzzy decorated wall he’s going to kill me my ears get big as cauliflower big enough to hear what I don’t want to hear I shrink in to the wall drool drool drool all over mom’s new white baseball hat she made me try on before the school called before I ruined her day before I ruined her nice surprise

Whistle whistle whistleI’m not in fifth grade anymore I’m five dad’s whistling in his basement bathroom washing up getting ready for dinner rolls n sloppy joe meat n carrot sticks shaved clean of the dirty skin chopped up in little pieces Wash up mom says cheery hoping mad dad will stay in a good mood not hit her I don’t move a million minutes pass We’re eating soon mom says cheery hoping mad dad will stay in a good mood not beat her he’s going to beat me if he finds out I wash up the soap slips through my hands like a fat mole

I have to get downstairs eat do the dishes and get back upstairs without mad dad whistling man finding out the purse is gone I want to hide disappear be someone else fly away Patty is gone she is gone I walk down the stairs don’t let mad dad see my arm hurts hope hope hope mom doesn’t tell him about the permission slip I walk into the kitchen backwards mom and mad dad are eating at the table What are you doing mom says she’s going to tell him Just seeing what time it is I say like I’m dumb Come and sit down mom says she always wants us to be a perfect family that eats together and wears matching hats so no one will know what it’s really like in here the spoon covered with sloppy joe meat sits on the stove I will have to clean it up it will stick to the stove before I know it I’m at the table covered with a gold partridge tablecloth partridge in a pear tree!

Sit downyou little weirdo mad dad snaps uh oh I made him mad by walking backwards now he’ll beat me till I bleed steed feed Sit down he says so I slouch couch fouch down fast so he can’t see my stomach fumach dumach covered by the table fable pable he scoops sloppy joe meat in his mouth with a roll looks at me his eyebrows crumpled We had an incident at school today mom says why does she tell What he says slopping meat I give up stop being scared my body collapses The secretary says she didn’t give us nah nah nah her permission slip nah nah to sign nah nah nah I stop listening my ears go away inside my head I don’t care he’s going to beat me can’t stop him so I don’t care mom tells on me nah nah nah mad dad crushes bread between his fingers I slouch down don’t listen LITTLE MISS SO AND SO he says then says to mom On top of all this we have a kid that can’t hear mom eats her food doesn’t look up doesn’t want to get hit why did she tell

Your mother went out and bought you a present and this is how you repay her he says pointing his fork at me eating another sloppy joe the meat spills out on the plate mom sits up super straight in her chair the way she does when she’s nervous I don’t want the hat but I can’t say I hate the hat I have to make him stop thinking about the hat so he doesn’t see the purse is gone he told me never take it off he points his fork chews hard

It’ll be okay husband mom says mad dad is getting steamed these things happen sometimes she’s just a child No it’s not okay mad dad says stops chewing why aren’t you watching her better and now mom and me really see it coming here it comes steam whistle shooting through my brain Whoo! Whoo! What the hell is wrong with you stupid b***h mad dad says to mom I stop eating I she says I nothing he says no excuses he stands up hits her across her face snaps her neck she makes a noise Stupid b***h our kid is f*****g up in school because of you she covers her face he hits her again sloppy joe meat on my fork

mad dad picks up the edge of the table till the dishes fall off on top of mom n me jump up the pan of sloppy joe meat falls in mom’s lap she screams Get upstairs she yells at me Stupid f*****g dumb b***h mad dad hits her arms Get upstairs she swings at me get I run upstairs two at a time who cares if my arm hurts I close the door get in bed listen to them scream I’m sorry! I won’t do it again b***h! Stop! Please! I’m sorry crashing no more sound my light is out hide under my quilt don’t move don’t blink my eyes animals in the dark

Soundis gone no screaming no crashing no begging just black sound hold my breath count in my head onetwothreefourfive no sound garage door goes up truck starts garage door goes down headlights jerk in my window he’s gone

BabyI’m sorry I’m sorry baby that you have to go through this I’m sorry baby wake up mom’s crying sorry sorry sorry petting my hair baby I’m sorry he’s gone he had a drink he didn’t mean it I see her face in the moonlight white through the curtain he didn’t I say nothing she told him Baby my arm hurts Baby her tears drip on my face forgive me shhh go to sleep it’s going to be all right her cheek is bruised I can see it in the white moonlight Get some sleep I’m sorry baby you don’t deserve this he didn’t mean it go to sleep we’ll forget about it in the morning okay we’ll have pancakes she wipes her face her tears drip down my neck they’re cold

How’s my girlGramma says

Okay I say

Just okay

Yes

How’s your dad

Okay I say

How’s your mom

Sorry

Sorry

Yes sorry

Why

She got mad at me

Oh gramma says are you okay

I’m okay

Oh gramma says and sounds sad

Gramma I say am I still the cream in your coffee

Granddaughter she says you will always be the cream in my coffee

Jackcloses the door turns up the heater we have to idle for four minutes even though I’m the only one getting on at this stop Patty hasn’t been around for four days mad dad’s been gone for two ever since he threw the table on mom the other kids scream and yell I stare out the window at nothing the day is a gray blur cold and rainy Katie sits in the seat in front of me she is in second grade she lives behind me next to the vacant lot she breathes on the glass fogs it up draws hearts with her fingertip Jack revs the bus no Patty I left my purse at school again dad’s not home to see it gray nothing outside I stare

the bus jumps forward then kids yell Hey! Hey! Bus driver wait! Jack looks in his long side mirror the bus sighs then stops some kids are pointing yelling I kneel on my seat see Patty run down Rose Avenue and then up the bus steps her cheeks are red her hair is wet stuck back in a pony tail a boy yells Hey it’s P girl then the other kids laugh talk they’re not interested in Patty the girl who used to pee in her seat wear stinky clothes Jack nods shuts the door I stare at her long saggy jeans dark blue zipper sweatshirt white bumper broken in Reebok tennis shoes

Hey she says slides into my seat what’s happening her face is red and white and wet everyone is talking no one is paying attention to her any more she punches my shoulder it doesn’t hurt Patty is back! she puts her hands into her sweatshirt pockets Hey she says again balls her hands up under her sweatshirt she’s nervous stares at the top of the seat in front of us green padded vinyl in case our heads hit it during an accident I lean on it the hard padding feels good on my forehead Patty’s back!