Nickels

Pennies

Penniesare from heaven gramma says so but the devil he has nickels in his pockets A special present for my special girl on the first day in our new house mad dad says n hangs a plastic pink purse round my neck n touches my lips with his finger our special secret he smiles a long smile a snake smile n drops a shiny nickel in the purse n zips it up tight advance payment he says n his lips stretch out across the new living room bare as a floor without a rug snakes slide out the corner of his mouth crawl across the boxes n disappear down the hallway

mad dad walks away whistling I stand in the living room in the new house east side California sun feeling like throw up standing here not moving I can’t think at all stare at the sunlight on the floor bare wood no rug floor Isn’t that nice mom says sees me staring with the pink purse round my neck she smiles so long her smile turns upside down n she stands there on the bare floor in between the boxes smiling upside down because nice things don’t happen unless bad things are coming

the day goes on and on a long rope me mom dad unpacking dad banging in the garage mom spilling flour in the kitchen me putting my stuffed animals out in a line in my room a duck a bear a dog a bunny with real fur under my one window waiting for dad to carry my bed upstairs I need to find China Doll Girl but she’s not in the same box maybe she ran away didn’t want to wait to see if California sun is going to shine on the east side new house Rose Avenue one block off Payne I take the pink purse off leave it in the corner put my head against the window the glass is cold I look up as far as I can push my cheek n eye into the glass the sun is like finger painting in the sky all smudgy n gray maybe China Doll Girl ran away because there isn’t going to be any California sun the way me n mom were thinking whistling packing like rats ignoring the black box all the bad things in the world

I push my face into the glass until my eyes get all mixed up n one looks at the glass n the other looks at the tree branches gray sticks in the air then looks through the branches at the house across the street a green finger paint smudge two pickups in the driveway clomp clomp clomp dad comes up the stairs n I smash my nose in the cold glass n roll my face over to the other side keeping one eye on the house Little Miss So And So dad says n the other eye sees him throw my mattress on the floor Put That Back On n he points at the pink purse now n I ignore him n he goes away n the mattress bounces

clomp clomp clomp dad goes down the stairs n I forget all about him n smash my forehead against the window n see two of everything then I lick the glass to see what the cold tastes like it tastes like nothing so I taste another part n that part is like water so I taste another part n that part is like dirt n I taste another part n that part is like the chalk on your fingers when the teacher lets you draw on the board there aren’t any grown ups around to yell at me so I open my mouth n stick my tongue as fat as it can be on the window like I’m yelling out it at the trees n finger painting smudges n the road that China Doll Girl ran down

clomp clomp clomp mad dad’s coming back so I pull my tongue in someone comes out of the green finger paint house it’s a girl n I put my nose against the window to watch her she’s bigger than me n has a pigtail clomp clomp clomp I Told You To Put That Back On n dad throws something it goes clank I ignore him watch the pigtail girl bounce across the yard n stop Did You Hear Me mad dad yells but I keep watching the girl What The Hell Have You Been l*****g The Window You Little Sicko the thing he dropped clanks again n he hits me on the back of my head n I keep watching the pigtail girl n he picks me up says I Told You To Wear Your Purse n he puts his foot on the windowsill n hangs me across his leg but I keep watching pigtail You’re Gonna Learn To Obey Me unbuckle slide slide he pulls his belt off n yanks my pants down n whips me with his belt I make a noise he says What’s wrong little baby can’t you take it I don’t cry I try hard not to cry no crying I lift my head n watch the pigtail girl across the street then I squeeze my eyes shut stop the crying Little Baby pigtail goes to a bush n pulls on it whish whish dad whips me butt hurts bad whish whish You’re Gonna Obey pigtail girl twirls around waving a stick like it’s a sword stabbing the air

mad dad’s snake rises up it sticks me in the stomach he huffs n puffs pushes my head down so I can’t see pigtail girl huff puff huff puff whish whish the head board did it butt hurts bad mad dad’s thing pokes me in the stomach dad whips one more time grabs my neck n legs n pushes on me his thing in my stomach so hard can’t breathe huff puff huff puff I look out window stare at tree branches make them blurry with my eyes my two eyes blur the branches n the smudgy green house n the gray smudgy sky into one nothing

stare stare stare don’t feel don’t feel don’t feel no crying huff puff huff puff I am two eyes on the window looking out at East Rose Avenue one block off Payne

Mad dad jerkshis thing in my stomach jerks jerks then he sighs sticky on my stomach let’s go of me slide down legs to his feet he stands up pushes me off his feet on to my stuffed animals lined up under the window he whistles clanks whistles sets my bed up I make my eyes go blurry stare make myself not be there be gone like China Doll Girl ran away down the road

Me run down road!

me hate it here!

my hands on the floor cold as the window legs on top of stuffed animals no crying no feeling he puts the mattress into the frame mom’s downstairs car drives by hands on cold floor mad dad pushes the bed into the corner away from the window picks up purse grabs arm drags me to bed puts the purse next to me There Little Miss So And So kisses me on my head You’re Very Pretty You Should Get Something For Being So Pretty n dad mad dad the devil in disguise I see his face through my eyes smiling lips snake lips kiss me on my mouth kiss kiss kiss I want to throw up stop kissing dad unzips the purse holds a shiny nickel says Oops I already paid you for this n puts the nickel in his pocket n hangs the purse pink round my neck long n skinny

Big bad wolfblew the house down mom says do you hear the b’s she says n looks at me big bad blew it’s good to read to children she says I read that somewhere some magazine she looks at the ceiling McCalls I nod listening I think about the wolf big hairy just like trolls scaring the pigs wanting to kill them and my mouth goes dry and I rub my wrists and she stares at the clock tick tock on the new wall in the new house waiting for dad to get home from basketball at the YMCA waiting for big hairy dad to get home tick tock tick tock we all fall down