Nickels

P girl (Patty)

P girl (Patty)goes to my new school on the east side lives across the street from me P girl pigtail girl I saw on the gray finger paint day that’s not why they call her P girl

Hey P girl yells to me n waves through the semi trucks that whiz by our street whoosh whoosh mom didn’t know the east side California sun new house was on a road truckers take out of town whoosh whoosh all day n all night can you come play

Sure I shrug my shoulders n stand on the curb till a truck with a blue head n a gray body drives by toot toot! the driver pulls his rope toot toot! the kids at school call her P girl because she wet her pants one day in first grade she peed right on her seat n no one washes her clothes P girl stinks like poop is what the kids say

I cross the street n stand on her yard hands in my pockets with only one pick up parked on it today I’m Patty she says Sure I say again n shrug my shoulders What’s your name she says her hair’s in a long pig tail n the finger paint smudge day flashes in my head like things do on TV n I don’t see P girl for a second for a second all I see is my bedroom floor n hear mad dad’s breathing n smell him n see P girl in her yard while dad’s snake got hard n I want to scream but no sound comes only P girl in her finger paint smudge yard n mad dad’s thing inside his pants sweaty n hard n rubbing n before I know it I’m not standing in her yard my hands in my pockets I’m throwing up in P girl’s bushes

I throw up one two three times n I stop n I see red berries the kind mom says is poison don’t eat them! you’ll die! n I see throw up dripping off the leaves n seeing the throw up makes me throw up again It’s okay she says n pats me on my back I don’t care if you throw up in my bushes n I keep throwing up n a boy says Is she okay n P girl says Yeah

Throw up once throw up twice throw up three times a lady

watch out crazy girl

the drivers drive hard on the east side close to the freeway

the drivers drive hard!

I wipemy mouth on my shirt sleeve n stand up n stare at the ground gray green finger paint smudge through a window until it turns into grass n I know I’m not in my bedroom with dad’s thing in my stomach What’s your name P girl says n I stop spinning shrug my shoulders Okay you don’t have to tell me your name she says why do you have that purse around your neck I shrug my shoulders and don’t say nothing because what can I say What grade are you in n I think for a second because of the spinning mad dad’s thing in my stomach finger paint smudge day n then I almost throw up n then I say Mrs. Smith

They call me P girl she says n I nod even though I already know it I’m in second grade and you should call me Patty not P girl and I’m the only girl in my family I’ve got six brothers all of them are older except for Jimmy go away stupid! n the boy’s voice says No n then P girl I mean Patty jumps at him n I see him in the door turn run into the house Want to go play she says n puts her arm round my shoulders even though I got throw up on me we walk around her house to the back n I wipe the throw up off with some leaves n she picks up a bucket n a long smooth stick with no bark that’s the color of a penny Let’s go catch stuff she says there’s moles in tunnels down there pick up that bucket! she points to another bucket lying upside down by a hose we can trap them together

Okay I say n wipe my mouth on my sleeve n pick up the bucket n follow her down the hill

Crazy girl has a friend!

her first friend in all the world!

they are going to trap moles with buckets

plastic and white

Crazy girl has a friend!

bam bam bam! Patty whacks the stick over the top of her bucket set up over the mole hole Stay there! she says n so I do I stay with my bucket at the other end of the mole hole Hold it down! n so I do I push on the bucket in case a mole tries to run out Patty picks up a rock n puts it over her bucket n takes her stick n runs yelling Come out! Come out! whacking at the mole trail up and down it back and forth from one bucket to the other n I wait n watch for the moles who live in there somewhere

we try to catch moles everywhere in her back yard that’s the edge of a forest that’s really just a few trees but I call it a forest anyway n she tells me there’s a river down there inside the forest n we have to go looking for snakes n mice n fish n muskrats n her dad has a fish net we can use in the garage we can go down to the river n catch all sorts of animals she says but she doesn’t say what we’re going to do with the snakes n mice n fish I wonder but don’t ask You don’t talk so much do you she says I shrug say They call me Little Miss So And So Are you a shy girl she says n I shrug my shoulders No I say I just never had anyone to talk to beside my gramma I shrug my shoulders that’s all Patty sets the buckets up on another mole trail n whacks at the hole

but no moles come out n Jimmy says Time for supper out the back window n Patty throws her stick down n kicks her bucket n a mole runs out past her into the forest Uh she says n hits her leg n throws her face at the sky it got away again!

How’s my girl

gramma says

Good I say twirl the phone cord like a lasso

Gramma I say

What

Am I your only grandgirl

Yes

Am I your only grandson I say to be stupid cause I know I am not a boy

Yes she says you are my only grandchild

Oh I say you are my only gramma and grampa

I know she says

Why I say even though I know the other grammas and grampas are dead

They’re in heaven gramma says so I love you that extra much

Me too I say step on the lasso I love you that extra much too

Gramma I say and stand in a closet so no one can hear me am I your Indian girl

Yes you are my Indian girl

Oh I say

Are you okay she says

Yeah I say

You can say if you’re not she says

I know I say feel sadder than sad than the saddest bluest sky

You are the cream in my coffee she says

You are the cream in my coffee too I say even though I don’t drink coffee

The nightcomes creepy crawly after chasing moles going home eating supper washing the dishes helping mom make popcorn melting butter watching the Rockford Files Jimbo got shot at n his dad was mad at him the night comes creepy crawly a black spider up my back the night won’t leave me alone on East Rose Avenue either

night drops down on a string I go to my room ready for bed mom says I’ll be up in a minute to check on you I don’t want you up too late we have church in the morning I unpack like a rat sharp pointy teeth the lights are on at Patty’s n I wish I lived there one more box to unpack Hello crazy girl! I have been waiting for you! n I see China Doll Girl’s pointy oatmeal hat under my Little Red Riding Hood coloring book n I pull her out

Hello China Doll Girl I say to her n I stand on my chair n put her on the shelf mad dad drilled on the wall It’s soo good to be out of stupid box she says n I unpack some more n then I kneel on my knees n color Little Red Riding Hood color her cloak red n her hair orange n I color red red red until I rip the paper n then I finish it by making her eyes red too n then I crumple it and throw it against the wall n then I put my chin on the windowsill flaked off paint n watch Patty’s house across from mine What wrong crazy girl China Doll Girl says n I shrug my shoulders n she says that’s a nice picture n before I can answer she snores asleep on the shelf I watch Patty’s lights China Doll Girl sleeps the night drops on me alone

Whish whish whish the night swings through the trees

Creak creak creaksomeone’s coming up the stairs mom pushes the door Time to go to bed she says n clicks off the lights n wraps the covers round me tuck you in tight kisses me be sure to put away your crayons from now on n she pats me on my head n walks out you found your doll shakes head says such squinty squinty eyes closes door clicks handle sighs on the other side the light shines in under the door China Doll Girl snores I watch the light for mad dad’s shadows his hairy feet

Mad dad’s feet! Mad dad’s feet!

his hairy hairy feet!

hairy footed troll on a bridge!

crazy girl watches for mad dad’s feet!

I watch n watch n watch n hold my breath count one two three one two three hold breath watch listen biggest ears in all the world grow out the sides of my head I wish wish wish I lived somewhere else at Patty’s in her bed under her bed away from mad dad’s hairy hairy feet n shadows in the night Patty n me dig holes catch moles chase snakes in the woods I wish me Patty China Doll Girl lived in a land far far away

whish whish whish tires flapping in the rain

clomp clomp clomp squeak bathroom door opens I watch the c***k under the door there’s his toe mad dad’s toe n another toe squeak a door squeaks I see his foot mad dad’s foot then his other foot Patty China Doll Girl help help help biggest ears in all the world go away they heard enough squinty eyes that watch the c***k under the door close mad dad’s breath comes in the room the devil himself from the hole under my bed no ears no eyes just skin that feels mad dad’s breath breathing breathe breathe breathe huff puff puff big bad wolf devil man hairy footed tooth fairy with nickels for my teeth Give Me Your Teeth my pointy pointy teeth want to bite on his thing when he puts it in my mouth biggest lolly pop in all the world my pointy pointy teeth clomp stomp clomp Patty Patty China Doll Girl save me monster in my room mad dad snake devil man comes for me in the night hairy footed tooth fairy with wings leaves nickels cold nickels hard nickels one two three he snaps them down under my pillow when he’s done no body no body no body nickels for the no body

Gramma whispers out of me help please devil man gets on top of me devil man mad dad squeezes my neck whispers hot breath in the biggest ear in all the world that has gone into hiding No one is going to help you hear no one not your mother she is nothing not your grandmother hear your grandmother is nothing she is nothing and she will never help you your grandmother will never help you he licks his lips your grandmother is nothing

No No No No in my head Not True Not True Gramma gramma whispers out my throat

choke choke throat body gone turned to stone body turned to rocks on the river water washes over them body disappeared gone huff puff blown down by the big bad wolf Little Red Riding Hood coloring book red cloak help help China Doll Girl help the ceiling the ceiling bumpy n white chicken buck buck bah buck neck choke the body’s dead gone to the wind turned to dust ashes Jesus hanging on the cross dead priest says make the sign of the cross touch your face rock chest rock shoulder rock lips rock body gone stone ash burn it up on fire pray for me China Doll Girl Patty pray for me crazy girl body burned to ashes on her bed will have to get up in the morning to pray in a pew

Good morningmother says I say nothing Rise n shine we’ve got church today n I go to the bathroom n mother rips the sheets n throws them down the chute to the basement n mother grabs my head n my toothbrush n brushes my teeth n I cry n my gums bleed n my tears run down my cheeks n fill up the bathroom n I close my lips around the toothbrush to hold my breath what if the water rises I don’t want to swallow it n mother keeps brushing n my lips sealed n she says nothing nothing nothing to no body

Mary Betha boy shouts across the church parking lot n I stop turn look at the boy who shouted Mary Beth wait for him to say something else to me but he’s looking at an old lady who bends over kisses him I look at the graves next to the parking lot a tall white stone with purple flowers lying next to it a short gray stone the top corner chunked off What’re you doing mom says yanks my arm pops my shoulder we walk up the tall steps into the church with the dying Jesus n crying mother Mary n wood seats I can’t see over

Mother MaryJesus Christ stand up sit down priest says bang bang bang his fist in his hand we’re all going to hell unless we do what the priest wants mom bows her head does what he says serve thy husband serve him well!

Nmad dad devil man brings nickels to me in the night on East Rose Avenue one block off Payne leaves them under my pillow one two three buy a candy buy a jewelry buy a spinny wheel toy with the nickels in the pink purse tied round my neck by a broken string don’t take it off! the devil man gives me nickels on the east side new side no California sun side house mom says It’s nice your father is finally taking an interest in you when she sees my spinny wheel toy red white blue in the sun shining through the windows I blow on it red white blue America spinning Love American Style

California dreamingmom sings leans up against the window on such a winter’s day finger paint smudge gray spinning red white n blue

Fly flyto the ceiling leave body below bye bye rock bye bye body rock a bye body fly to the ceiling mad dad below mad dad scary dad body below bang bang bang on the head board bored head ceiling I am the ceiling I see the body below buck buck bah buck mad dad chicken neck bang I am the ceiling I am the sky I am the trees n the breeze n the moon cracked in the night ceiling sky trees breeze moon finger paint smudge gray I am it all bye bye baby body mad dad banging bye bye baby body I am it all is me I watch wait store it in my brain watch wait ceiling sky moon breeze I am all watching waiting

Whish whish whish the head board did it!

Age Ten (1978)